The Heroes Parody Project 3
by Spencer44
Summary: Season Finale time! The civilians in the city riot. The Bennets try to rescue the others. Niki and co try to survive the riots, Nathan and co attempt to escape prison, Sylar and Ted go on a road trip, and Peter doesn't help Angela clean up his mess.
1. Into Limbo

The Heroes Parody Project (3)

_Disclaimer: This fan fiction is based of the NBC television show, 'Heroes'. Heroes is copyright Tim Kring, NBC, and the rest. I am not nor do I represent any of the cast or crew involved with the show and it is written solely for entertainment purposes only, that and it gives the author something to do between meals. Reader Discretion is advised._

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the '_The Lounge', _we have comedy, music, and anything else to entertain you while you pound down some overprices drinks.

The audience cheers.

Announcer: Our first act for tonight, fresh from New York City….the comedy stylings of _Matt Parkman!_

In the audience sit Niki and Peter…..and Claire.

Peter: Who is underage!

Claire: Shut up, Peter! I turn 21 in like….a few months!

Peter: I'm so telling on you….

Matt walks on stage.

Matt: Heeey! Everyone, how's it hanging?

A man raises his hand.

Matt: Please don't answer that…..are you guys ready to laugh!?

Niki: Yawn….(Rolls eyes)

Matt: Okay, stop me if you heard this one. _A family of Tomatoes are walking along, the baby tomato is falling a bit behind. The father Tomato squashes the baby tomato with his fist and says "Hey….CATCHUP!"_…..HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

-_Crickets-_

Woman: _Tomatoes don't have fists!!!_

Matt: Uh…….Okay…..How about this one. _Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Man, it sure is hot in here!". To which the other muffin replied "HOLY CRAP! A TALKING MUFFIN!"…._HA!

-_Cough-_

Matt: Ooookay……._A Nun, Willy Wonka, and Juan Valdez walk into a bar…_

Man: YOU SUCK!

-_BOOOOO!-_

Some crap gets thrown at Matt as he runs off stage.

Niki: Well, that was quick.

Announcer: Okay….that was the comedy bit…..wow….okay, who's ready for some music?

Audience cheers.

Announcer: The newest single from their latest CD, '_So Extraordinary'_….

Niki: Oh god….

Announcer: I present to you….'_Matt and The Professor'_…..wait, wasn't this guy just on?

Mohinder walks out and takes a seat at the piano. Matt follows, grabbing a microphone, followed by a ton of feedback and screams.

Matt (singing): _Sky rockets in flight….Afternoon delight!_

Matt slides himself on top of the piano, shortly before crashing through the middle of it.

Mohinder: AHH! Your rear end crushed through my grand piano!

Matt: It's my '_Winnie The Pooh' nightmare all over again!_ That bear is the bane of my existence!

Mohinder: You ruined my piano, Matt!

Matt: _Oh bother_…._at least I have my pot of honey for my rumbly tumbly_…(puts his hand in the honey pot)

Mohinder stares at Matt, raising an eyebrow. The realization setting in…..

Matt: ……_DAMMIT!!!_

Niki stands up, she is the only one applauding.

_Volume Seven 'Prophecies'_

Peter opens his eyes. He is not too sure where he is, in what appears to be an unfamiliar room. He gets up and walks around, snooping through a few of the files on the desk.

Peter: Boring….boring….boring…..

Voice: AHEM!

Peter screams and hops onto a nearby chair. He looks down and sees Speedster _Daphne Millbrook_.

Peter: Wow, Elle, sportin the short hair, huh?....Well, I likey!

Daphne: _I'm not Elle, you doofus!_ Now get down from there….we have work to discuss.

Peter: ……Well, I'll be a snake in a pickle barrel, it's Daphne!

Daphne: Good to see…..wait….huh?

Peter: I haven't seen you since Season 3….man, we sure did have some good times together.

-----------

Director: CUT! That's a wrap, people!....

Peter and Daphne make their way to the catering table.

Peter: Yes! They finally gave us _Ding Dongs!_

He grabs one and crams it into his mouth. Daphne walks away.

-----------

Daphne: ……

Peter: ….That wasn't a very good flashback…..

Daphne: Duh…..anyway, we need to get moving. We'll be partners in this operation.

Peter: Uh….how about some answers?

Daphne: Shoot.

Peter: Where are we?

Daphne (starting to walk off): It's not a matter of '_Where are we'_…

Peter (to himself): Please don't say it…

Daphne: It's a matter of '_When are we'_…

Peter: CRAP! I was hoping you wouldn't say that….

Daphne: The year is 2010.

Peter: Great, now we'll…..wait……that's…..good, right?

Daphne: No. It's 2010 here….where we are……but it's also 2010 back where you came from. Seconds from death in that falling helicopter.

Peter: Oh…..I'm confused.

Daphne: Where trapped in an alternate time paradox.

Peter: Fan-tastic…….

Daphne: I'll explain on the way, we need to go.

Peter: Great, I'm trapped in a time mess again……this Season is going to be great!

Daphne: Hate to break it to you but this is only the beginning. _That _(pointing) is what you need to worry about.

Peter walks over to 5 different paintings:

_The first painting depicts people walking around as if they were possessed._

_The second depicts a large Tidal Wave hitting a small beach resort. _

_The third shows a giant asteroid plummeting towards The Earth._

_The fourth shows people running for their lives in what appears to be an amusement park._

_The fifth one had something drawn on it, but was marked out with black paint._

Peter: _5 disasters?!_ Are they trying to kill us?!

Daphne: That would be the definition of '_Disasters'_, genius…..

Peter: I'm talking about the writers!

Daphne: ……Whatever. I'm going to scout ahead, meet me out back whenever you get around to it.

Daphne zips out of the room. Peter pops in a breath mint….shortly before reading the box.

'_Blue Flushes! Keeps your toilet water blue, up to 500 flushes!'_

Peter sticks out his tongue which has turned blue.

Peter (blue tongue out): Cwap…..

Meanwhile, Hiro sits up in a bed. A bed that's in a prison cell….

Hiro: Oh, prison cells….how I've missed you….what has it been….almost half a Season?

Ando: Oh good, you're awake….

Hiro: Wait….we're not dead?

Ando: Nope, when we were falling down that elevator shaft you managed to teleport us out. But now we're here….hopefully it was just a change of place….not time.

Hiro: I wouldn't think so…..

Ando: …..

Hiro: …..At least I hope not.

Ando: Ugh…..

Meanwhile, a car is wrecked in a ditch somewhere, the driver's side door falls off. And Noah Bennet falls out of the driver's side. He hops to his feet…slowly making his way past the rest of the car that reads:

_Chapter One 'Into Limbo'_

He looks around, stuck in the middle of nowhere.

= = = (This eclipse would look better if it weren't in Microsoft Word. HEROES) = = =

_Nathan Petrelli  
New York City Medical Center  
The hospital that stays in business thanks to the Heroes_

Nathan walks into the hospital.

Nathan: I guess nobody has noticed anything that went on in the last volume…whatever.

He walks up to the desk and asks for Angela's room number. Angela is sitting in her bed, eating delicious hospital food.

Angela: This stuff is terrible! (SPIT)

Nathan: Hello, Ma.

Angela: Nathan…how nice of you to visit your decrepit old mother…..

Nathan: Ma, you're not decrepit….you've just been shot like, nine times. It happens….._trust me_.

Angela: Well, it's still nice of you to visit. You can put the flowers on the table.

Nathan didn't have any flowers.

Angela: So, how's that whole, _Mayor Thing_, going?

Nathan: I hope you're still not upset with me firing you.

Angela: Of course not! I hope that you rinsed the blood off the knife after you _plunged it into my back_.

Nathan: Oh brother, here we go.

Angela: Because I was far too busy _sticking my head in the oven!_

Nathan: Stop it.

Angela: And….uh…..(She slips through her big book of '_Overbearing Motherly Guilt Trips'_)

Nathan grabs the book and throws it to the side.

Nathan: I need to talk to you about Peter. He's missing. I've been looking for him for at least _45 minutes_.

Angela: Well, why don't you get your _new assistant_ to help you. You can't let this go public, Nathan. The people would lose faith.

Nathan: How would they…..forget it. I already took a hit in the numbers when word broke that _you beat me at bowling_.

Angela: I didn't beat you at bowling, Nathan……._I slaughtered you at bowling_.

Nathan: Whatever! Fine, I'll go ask Elle….

Angela: Nathan, wait…..before you look for Peter, I need you to do something else.

Nathan: What?

Angela: I need you to look for….._the man who shot me_.

Nathan: Huh? You know who did this?

Angela: Yes….I need you to find…._Noah Bennet_.

(Dramatic closeup!!)

Angela: _Do you mind?_

The camera man climbs off the bed.

Camera Man: Sorry, the zoom doesn't work on this thing anymore.

Angela: Find him. And all the answers will be revealed.

Nathan: Really?

Angela: Probably not.

Nathan: Dammit Ma, you _dream the future_! You should know these things.

Angela: Go find Noah Bennet.

Nathan: Where is he?

Angela: I'm not Molly, for crying out loud.

Nathan: Ugh…..and why would he shoot you? I mean I can think of a _few good reason_s…

Angela: WHAT!?

Nathan: But I would never do it…..(shifty eyes)

Angela: I think he was doing it against his will. Go investigate. Now leave me alone so I can watch my stories. (She turns on the tv)

-_Previously On 'As The Stomach Turns'-_

Britney: Oh Bobby! I'm sorry for cheating on you. I'll love you forever and stuff.

Bobby: Let's get married! And have a hundred babies! And name each one after a _Metallica song_. Yeah! (Fist Pump)

Nathan: Don't do it Bobby, she's just going to cheat on you with Luke again.

Angela throws the remote at Nathan, hitting him in the head.

Nathan: OW!

_Hiro and Ando  
Unknown  
5 bucks says their plot is going to get off to a 'great' start._

Hiro wakes up, Ando isn't there.

Hiro: Ando escaped?! Without me?! _How rude!_

Ando walks up to his cell wearing a guard outfit.

Hiro: Ando! What are you doing?

Ando: I got promoted!

Hiro: WHAT?!

Ando: I was a good enough prisoner I got promoted to Prison Guard!

Hiro: That's stupid! _Nobody does that!_

Ando: Here's the thing…you're going to be executed.

Hiro: Great.

Ando: But if I let you out, _we'll both be executed_.

Hiro: Uh huh.

Ando: So I have to find a way to trick _Caitlin_ into letting you go.

Hiro: Well, that's all fine and….wait….what did you just say?

Ando: Trick Caitlin into letting you go?

Hiro: Who in the world is Caitlin?

Ando: You know….._Caitlin_…..

---

Peter: _Oh my god! From Season 2!?_ I completely forgot about her!

Daphne: Well, she's back. The writers are really reaching for guest stars this year I guess.

Peter: So….how is she here?

Daphne: Simple really…..

---

Ando: Back in 2007 when that whole 'Shanti Virus' mess was happening, Peter accidentally left Caitlin in the future in 2008. He came back but she didn't.

Hiro: He left her there? He could have just came to me and say….'_Hey Hiro, go get her'_.

---

Daphne: You couldn't do that because when you destroyed the virus, that grim future was supposed to disappear. But since someone from the present was still stuck in the future….

---

Hiro: It split the future into two pieces. Two futures, existing side by side, creating a massive paradox!

Ando: You see. _So it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever!_

Hiro: I know!

---

Daphne: Your world. The one you were about to die in, is the normal time. This time frame…is kinda stuck in limbo. It's been 2 years since the incident. Our job is to bring Caitlin back to our time and get rid of this one forever…..and to rescue Hiro and Ando.

Peter: Huh? They're here?

Daphne: Yeah….Hiro was supposed to owe me a favor then this happened….now he's in the red by two. I have to save his butt again.

Peter: But why do you need me? Oh I get it……because I can smoothly talk Caitlin into coming back because we're friends and stuff.

Daphne: A) No. She hates your guts.

Peter: What? How can she possibly hate me? I'm…..I'm Peter! Everyone's supposed to like me…..

Daphne: You left her alone and scared into the future which was thus altered due to your actions. Which brings us to B) She won't leave since she's the _President Of Earth_.

Peter: Palm….To Face. (SLAP!)

Daphne: It's going to be more difficult than it sounds, I'll explain when we get to her castle.

Peter: Another castle!? Why haven't these been banned from the show yet!

---

Hiro: So that's it. I'm stuck here….My powers are still wonky and you won't let me out?

Ando: I want to, but we're on heavy security. We'd get killed, I'll find a way. I'm your friend. I'll be by your side.

Hiro: Thanks, Ando.

Guard: Hey, Ando! You in on the next round of _Scene It?_

Ando: COMING! Gotta go (runs off)

Hiro: HEY!

Nathan speeds by in his car. He turns on his videophone. Elle is on the other end.

Elle: Top of the morning, Mr. P!

Nathan: Hey Elle….okay, you got the directions?

Elle: To what?

Nathan: To Bennet's car? He apparently gunned down Angela and we can track him using his company car.

Elle: You call your mother by her name, that's kinda odd.

Nathan: Fine. We need to find _mother_.

Elle: Okay, that was a little too _Norman Bates_…CREEPY!

Nathan: Ugh….

Elle: Wow, did I mention I love this videophone? I never had that luxury working at Company Deux.

---

Noah (in the office): Elle, Sylar is on the loose. Track him down.

Elle (in her car): You got it sir. Bishop out.

Noah: Good luck…..

Noah and Elle both put down their _cans tied to a string_. Elle drives away, her can flies off, _ripping off her car door_.

Elle: Hmm….I wasn't expecting that.

---

_Peter and Daphne  
Caitlin's Castle, In the Limbo Present  
Time Keeps On Slippin, Slippin, Slippin…Into The Future!_

Peter and Daphne are behind a giant rock a ways from the castle gates.

Peter: Okay…so, just speed in there and we're done, right?

Daphne: WRONG! The entrance to the castle leads straight into a corridor that's a hundred miles long.

Peter: That's…..ridiculous.

Daphne: It's '_Speed Sensored'_ so anything that goes over 5 miles an hour gets shot with the security turret guns.

Peter: That's…..even more ridiculous. You run at like, a _thousand miles an hour_. Surely you can beat that.

Daphne: Nope.

Peter: Uh huh….

Daphne: That's where you come in. I can't go in…..just because.

Peter: Wait, this castle is '_Speed Sensored' and you can't go in?_ What gives, do you two know each other or something.

Daphne: Something like that.

Peter: And better yet, _how did you even know about this alternate timeline thingy_?

Daphne: Will explain later….just put on a disguise and get moving.

Peter: Fine.

Daphne: You should have a whole lot of powers, right?

Peter: No….I kinda got….'_downsized'_

Daphne: What?

Peter: I can only hold one power at a time.

Daphne: Hopefully it's 'healing', in case anything goes wrong….or shape shifting, that would help. Or hell, teleporting…..which Hiro could have done but his power is probably out of whack.

Peter: Well, I did have healing…..then got electricity…..

Daphne: Well, that's okay, I guess.

Peter: But then when I grabbed your hand when I was '_reading your fortune'_ I accidentally took your power. Now I can run really fast too!.....Which probably doesn't help us now.

Daphne: I knew I shouldn't have let you done that….

Ando comes back to Hiro's cell.

Hiro: Ando! How was _Scene It?_

Ando: I ruled. Okay, time to go.

Hiro: What?

Ando: _The President would like to speak with you._

Hiro: O…okay….

Ando and Hiro walk down the hall into a large throne room. The two stand before a large amount of steps, leading to the throne, sat on by _Caitlin_.

Hiro: From Season 2…..In case anybody forgot….which they probably did.

Caitlin (hopping up): _SILENCE!_

Hiro: EEP!

Caitlin: Hiro Nakamura, you are being charged with crimes against humanity. How do you plead?

Hiro: I….

Caitlin: _OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!_

Hiro: Well, that's just nice….

Outside, Peter walks up to the guards.

Guard: Who are you?

Peter: The name doesn't matter. I'm the '_Health Inspector'_…….wait, that bit was used last Volume….hold on. I'll be back.

Peter runs off. The guards look at each other.

Peter comes back sporting a very cool mustache.

Peter: Okay, I'm back. Ooooh….I love this mustache, I might just have to wear it the rest of the season.

Guard: Who are you?

Peter: The name's Mario…..(holding up a plunger) from '_Mario Petrelli's "That's A Spicy Meatball" Plumbing Company'_.

Daphne (off to the side): Gross….

Guard (to other guard): Did the President call the plumber.

Other Guard: Who cares? We need one. Go on in.

Peter: Excellent. I'll be taking the monorail….or train….or whatever you take for that hundred mile long entrance hallway you guys have.

The guards look at each other, confused.

Peter: Palm….To Face…..(Slap)

Meanwhile…

Nathan: Okay, Elle….How far am I?

Elle (on videophone): Okay, you're about five miles away from his car. Turn left.

Nathan: What? I can't turn left….or at all….I'm in a tunnel.

Elle: Do you want to get there or not?

Nathan: But I can't turn!

Elle: Now, now…._Can't never could do nothing_!

Nathan: ……..What?

Elle: I don't know what means either. NOW TURN!

Nathan: No!

Elle: Turn dammit!

Nathan: NO!

Nathan slams on the brakes.

Elle: Well, now you've gone and done it.

Nathan is looking out his window, he has left the tunnel, but watches Noah walking along the street. Nathan gets out of the car.

Elle: HEY! Where are you going?.....Why haven't you turned yet?

Nathan: Noah?.....Hey!.....Noah!

Noah turns to Nathan.

Noah: Nathan….good to see you. I'm a little out of it.

Nathan: That's okay….just….come to the car, and we'll get you to the hospital. Angela probably wants a written letter of apology since you shot her.

Noah: ….you call her by her first name, that's weird.

Nathan: Fine, we'll go see _mother together._

Noah: Ooh….Too _Norman Bates_, go back to what you were calling her before.

Nathan: Ugh….anyway, why did you do it? I mean I can think of a few good reasons…but…

Noah: It wasn't me….well, it was….but I wasn't in control of my own body.

Nathan: Did Matt make you shoot her….he'd be my first guess.

Noah: No, I knew I was doing it….I just couldn't control my body….

Nathan: Hmm….well, I'm out of ideas.

Voice: Well, here's one. _Hands up_.

Noah and Nathan both put their hands in the air….

Nathan: _Like we just don't care_….oh god, _did I just say that?!_

Both of them are frozen, staring at each other. In front of them walks up _Eric Doyle, the puppet master_.

Nathan: _Are they just bringing everyone back from the 'Villains' arc?!_

Doyle: Good to see you two gentlemen. We'll be going for a ride.

Noah: What if we refuse?

Doyle: Well, that's a dumb question…you _can't_. But you can try…though this will happen….

Doyle flicks his arm and forms his hand into a gun. Noah reaches for his gun and points it at Nathan.

Nathan: Why are you going to shoot me?! I didn't say anything!

Doyle: Into the car.

Doyle moves two fingers on both of his hands back and forth. Noah and Nathan start walking to the car.

Nathan: I really hate that power….

Meanwhile, back in Limbo (we'll just call it that)

Peter (panting): Stupid hallway….my legs feel like _instant mashed potatoes_….

He heads into the bathroom.

Peter (kneeling over a toilet, holding the plunger): _How do you use this thing_?

He hits the toilet with it.

Caitlin: _Excuse me!_

Peter: Oh, sorry, Miss…I….(turns to her)….EEP!

Caitlin: Do I know you?

Peter (adjusting his mustache): Nope….sure don't. I'm Mario Petrelli….from '_Mario's "That's A Spicy Meatball" Plumbing!'_

Caitlin: That's disgusting….well….I don't recall ordering a plumber.

Peter: Who cares? You needed one….

Caitlin: WHAT!? Why?

Peter: ….Uh…..why…not?

Caitlin: Wait….did you say '_Petrelli'_?

Peter: ………

Caitlin: ……..

Peter: …….

Caitlin: ……

Peter: ……no.

Caitlin: Oh, okay then. Well, just finish and get out of here. You can take the _entrance hallway to leave_.

Peter: _NOT THE ENTRANCE HALLWAY! _(cries)

Meanwhile, in the Execution Room.

Hiro (to Ando): So, you're my executioner too!? _You're so not getting a Christmas Card this year!_

Ando: I'm sorry, I just got promoted!

Hiro: How does that keep happening?

Ando: Don't worry, Hiro. I'll think of something. Now get on the block so I can chop off your head.

Hiro: That's not really a step in the right direction there, friend!

Ando: Hurry, before we both get killed!

Hiro: -Groan-

Caitlin (pounding on the window): _What's the hold up?!_

Ando: Just had to sharpen my axe!

Caitlin: Well, get on with it.

Ando: Okay…..Hiro…..you are about to seriously _'bite it'_.

Hiro: Way to keep it professional, Ando.

Ando: Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust, I'll make sure your head doesn't roll out the door or anything.

Hiro: Ando, I'm starting to think you're really doing to do it…..

Ando: No….just give me a minute.

Caitlin: NOW!

Ando: Okay, here we go….chop chop time…..

Hiro: OH COME ON!

Peter manages to sneak into the control room.

Peter: Stupid Daphne, making me do the spy work…..why couldn't _she wear the mustache?!_

He finds the security console and a giant power lever.

Peter: There doesn't seem to by anyone guarding this….works for me.

Peter disables the alarm….which sets off the 'disabled alarm' alarm.

Peter: AHHH!

Guard: The security has been deactivated.

Daphne: Okay, time to go.

Daphne zooms past the guards and down the hallway, which takes her a few seconds as opposed to the 4 hours it took Peter to walk.

Peter: _Don't rub it in!_

Ando: Hmm….The security is off….I guess we can run away now.

Hiro: Good.

Ando: After I chop off your head.

Hiro: WHAT?!

Ando: Kidding….Kidding….

Several guards run in.

Guard: That guy didn't kill the prisoner. Let's kill them both.

Hiro: AHH! We're going to get shot to death!

Ando: These are my people, Hiro. I can talk to them.

Ando steps forward.

Ando: Friends….you don't want to shoot us!

Guard: Yes we do.

Ando: Well, I did my best.

Hiro: That was terrible!

Suddenly, a blurry line swooshes in and out of the room. Hiro and Ando were gone.

Guard: …..

Peter is tip toe-ing away from the security room. Completely forgetting he has super speed powers. Caitlin walks up.

Peter: Oh hell's bells….

Caitlin: YOU! You did this.

Peter's mustache drops.

Caitlin: !!!......P…P….Peter?....Is that you?

Peter: Uh…………yes?

Caitlin: I can't believe it…it's been two years.

Peter: Reunion Hug!

Caitlin: Like hell! You left me in this crappy future. I know that it was an accident and I did forgive you for that since it was your power. But you didn't even bother to come back.

Peter: Yeah….but….you're the President Of Earth! That's kinda cool…..isnt' it?

Caitlin: Not really. I've missed out on so much. I didn't get to be by your side while you took down your father who was trying to synthetically give people abilities, or your brother who was rounding up people with abilities for the government, or even take down that Carnival!

Peter: I really want to know how you know all that!

Caitlin: Bringing me here….I forgive you. But forgetting about me, that is unforgivable. I want _Retribution_…

Peter: Uh…that was last volume's theme….sorry, but you kinda missed the '_Revenge'_ bus.

Caitlin: See?! My point exactly. I didn't get to do any of that! But that all is about to change.

Peter: Is it too late for me to put on my mustache?

Daphne: Peter! Get out of there!

Peter starts to run away……

Daphne: _You can run faster than that!_

Peter: Oh, right…..

Peter zooms off. Caitlin looks down at Daphne.

Caitlin: _This isn't over._

Daphne: Yeah, it kinda is.

Daphne swooshes upstairs and makes off with Caitlin. The world fades out of existence.

Later….

Peter opens his eyes.

Peter: My bedroom! YAY! That was a horrible dream.

Daphne: Something like that.

Peter: EEK! How long have you been watching me sleep?

Daphne: Long enough….did you know you talk in your sleep?

Peter (nervous): I do?.......

Daphne: Yup.

Peter: What did I say?

Daphne (snickers): Like I'm going to tell you.

Peter: UGH! I hate it when people do that!....I hope it wasn't too embarrassing….

Daphne: Of course not…..(whistles)

Peter: AHHH!

Daphne: Okay, now onto bigger business.

Peter: Wait….what happened?

Daphne: Well, I rescued Hiro and Ando while you caused that wonderful little diversion. They are safe…for now.

Peter: ….huh?

Daphne: I also grabbed Caitlin, removed her from that timeline, that world is no longer in existence and everything is back to normal…..for now.

Peter: ….wha?

Daphne: We now need to turn our attention to _these._

Daphne spreads apart the 5 disaster portraits.

Daphne: You drew these in order. So we'll start with the first one. These people look possessed in the portrait. Think it's a zombie invasion?

Peter: I hope not.

Daphne: Start investigating it. I have an errand to run. I'll be back in a few days to help you out.

Peter: …….But where do I start?

Daphne flies out of the apartment.

Peter: …….-sigh-……

Outside…..several miles away, in a back alley somewhere…._Caitlin is stumbling around_.

Caitlin: Guards?.....Anybody?......Hello?.........

A car pulls up in front of her.

Caitlin: …..

_Samson Gray steps out of the car_.

Caitlin: Who are you?

Samson: A friend……Come with me, my dear. We'll get you where you need to go.

Caitlin looks around, she has nowhere else to go. She gets into the car with Samson. They drive off.

_To Be Continued_…


	2. Third Generation

The Heroes Parody Project (3)

_Disclaimer: This fan fiction is based of the NBC television show, 'Heroes'. Heroes is copyright Tim Kring, NBC, and the rest. I am not nor do I represent any of the cast or crew involved with the show and it is written solely for entertainment purposes only, that and what else would the author do between Farmville sessions? Reader Discretion is advised._

Peter is typing away at the computer, Angela calls him.

Peter (answering): Hey ma! What's going on?

Angela (answering): Oh, nothing….I see you're typing away at your computer.

Peter: Yup, just talking to my pals on the _Facebook_…….wait…….how did you know that?!

Angela: I signed up for that! I see you online now!

Peter (freaking out): ……….._YOU WHAT!?_

Angela: I thought it would be just wonderful if _we'd be friends on this Facebook thing_. Then I can read everything you post as an outlet of spying on you and your brother.

Peter: But…but…but but but but but……

Angela: Now, now….I'm new to this. How do I add you as a friend?

Peter: Uh……….Okay……first…..go to _Account Settings_.

Angela: Uh huh…….

Peter: Are you there?

Angela: Yes.

Peter: Now go to _Delete Account_.

Angela: Okay……….HEY! _That deleted my account!_

Peter: Oh, that's a shame. Let me know how it goes for you, bye!

Peter: WHEW!........That was way too close………..Now, back to my memoirs…..

_-Peter Typing- _

_Previously On Heroes_……….

_Peter wakes up in an alternate (not to be confused with that silly 'Alternatives' volume way back when) timeline and stuck in 2010 (same as us). With the help of Speedster Daphne Millbrook, they have to save Hiro and Ando from the clutches from Caitlin from season two (remember her?...anybody?) who is some dictator of the world. A disastrous future prevented by Peter destroying the Shanti virus but with Caitlin still being stuck in the future ripped it into to alternate timelines, making no sense whatsoever! They rescue Hiro and Ando and Daphne brings Caitlin back to real time, destroying the other timeline. Meanwhile, Nathan tries to look for Noah Bennet (after an astonishing 45 minutes of looking for Peter after last volume) and they both end up getting captured by Doyle, the puppet master from Season Three (why make up new villains when you can just bring back the old ones!?) At the end of the episode Caitlin runs off with a non dead Samson Gray. _

---

_Claire Bennet  
Her House  
Don't talk to her…LIKE, SHE'S ON THE PHONE! _

A doorbell rings. A door opens. A Claire Bennet answers.

Claire: Angela?

Angela Petrelli, fresh out of the hospital, barges into the Bennet home, pushing Claire aside.

Claire: OOF!

Angela: Oh dear, you don't have to call me '_Grandma'_, Angela will do just fine.

Claire: _I didn't call you grandma!_

Angela: We need to speak words with one another. Follow me to the kitchen.

Claire: …._How do you know where my kitchen is?!_

Claire closes the door, which reads:

_Chapter Two 'Third Generation'_

_Peter and Daphne  
The International House Of Pancakes  
Good thing it's located right next to the hospital! Wait, I'm kidding! AHH! Lawyers!_

Peter: UGH! These _never ending pancakes_ are really '_never ending'_! I feel like I'm gonna barf!

Daphne: You didn't even finish one, you sissy! Give me that! (Grabs the plate)

Peter: My pancake!

Daphne: So, the world has been saved, thanks to me.

Peter: Uh huh…(rolls eyes)

Daphne: Now that _THAT is out of the way, _we can worry about these portraits.

Peter: Since when did you care so much about saving the world?

Peter takes a drink of his coffee, then spits it out.

Daphne: ….

Peter wipes his mouth, taking another sip, then _spitting it out again_.

Daphne: Riiight……well, I want to save the world! _The world is our future_….

Peter: I thought that was _The Children are our future_….

Daphne: Yeah, they're all fine and good…but the world…..it comes first.

Peter: And….will you be doing this for money of some sort.

Daphne: I'm offended……It's not all about the money. You think I'm some sort of criminal…..

A couple walks up and hands Daphne a wad of cash.

Daphne: Bye! Thanks for coming to IHOP! Have a pleasant day!

Peter: _Do you work here?_

Daphne: No. (Stuffs the money in her wallet)

Peter scratches his head, confused.

Daphne: Since you drew these in order…we will start with portrait numero uno……._The Zombie Invasion_.

Peter: It's not a zombie invasion. That's just silly.

Daphne: Well, I had a specialist look at it.

Peter: Who?

Daphne: Gus, he's this bum who lives behind my apartment. He just smells a _little like pee_…..but he's really smart.

Peter grimaces.

Daphne: He said with their faded greenish pigment of their skin and the glossed over expression, they're zombies for sure. In fact, this guy in the right side actually has one of those thought bubbles saying '_mmm…brains!'_

Peter: _That doesn't mean anything!_

Daphne: We have an invasion to deal with Peter….time is of the essence, especially since there will be more disasters to follow after that….._Good Luck!_

Peter: Good Luck?! Aren't you helping me?

Daphne: Eventually….I need Hiro to do something for me first.

Peter: But what am I supposed to do?!

Daphne: I don't know….._go talk to your mother. _She might be able to shed some light on the situation.

Peter: Awww….(whines)

A woman comes up and hands Daphne the money for her bill.

Peter: …_and why do people keep handing you money?!_

= = = (Another week, another Eclipse…HEROES) = = =

Nathan opens his eyes to see nothing but white.

Nathan: Am I dead?

Noah: No….

Nathan lifts up and his face is covered with mashed potatoes.

Nathan: What the hell?

Noah: Welcome to _Doyle's Diner_.

Nathan: Ugh! He kidnapped us just to make us eat his food!

Doyle: Of course I did! I have a business to run and what better people to advertise my diner than the Mayor of New York and the head of The Company Deux?

Nathan: I totally wasn't expecting this.

Noah: I was.

_Niki Sanders  
Some street that is right in front of Tom's Diner  
I am waiting at the counter for the man to pour the coffee. And he fills it only halfway and before I even argue, he is looking out the window at somebody coming in. Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do Do….._

Niki: Uh…..okay………

She walks up to a table, _D.L is sitting there drinking coffee_…._but the man behind the counter only filled it halfway and before he even argued, he was looking at the window at somebody coming in. Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do Do…_

Niki: STOP IT!

D.L: Have a seat.

Niki sits down.

Niki: It's good to see you.

D.L: Same here.

Niki: I see you escaped from prison again.

D.L: Yeah, I should probably get back before they realize I'm gone.

---

Prison Ward: Okay, Hawkins! You better get your butt downstairs and join the others. Those license plates aren't going to make themselves.

Rainbow Brite Doll: _Help me get back the star crystals back so we can save Rainbow Land from Murky and Lurky!_

Prison: Well, you can do that when you get back! So MOVE IT!

---

Niki: Amazing. (Roll Eyes)

D.L: Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?

Niki: Yes…._Stiles_.

D.L: Ah, you saw that.

Niki: I know Micah called you for assistance, which we didn't need your help.

D.L: You kinda did. Just sayin…..

Niki: Well, did you kill him.

D.L: Of course not. I gave him his 'just desserts'.

Niki: You took him to prison….

D.L: Yes…..though I forgot to just drop him off and they just threw me in there too…..kinda awkward actually.

Niki: Well, don't just think that I owe you a favor now.

D.L: Oh….you still do.

Niki: UGH!

D.L: I'll let you know when the time is right…….(takes a dramatic sip from his cup)….hmm….I'm out of coffee.

Niki: Well, don't count on it! I'm leaving in disgust!

She turns to leave......stops…….turns around………turns around again……

D.L: ……..

Niki: …….

D.L: ……._Well?!_

Niki: Hold on, I want my exit to be just perfect…..okay…..HMPH!

She turns and storms off.

Niki: Okay, that'll do.

D.L turns to the television.

Reporter: And in breaking news, convicted felon D.L Hawkins has escaped from prison again. Authorities recommend that people call in if they happen to see him out in about at a diner somewhere.

D.L: Uh oh….

Reporter: Here is his picture…

_They show the picture of Rainbow Brite_.

D.L: Whew! Well, that buys me some time. I'm going to get more coffee!

Meanwhile,

Claire: So, Angela, did you want something?

Angela: Yes….have a seat.

Claire (thinking): _Why do I feel like the guest in my own house?! Not cool!_

Claire: So, what's this about?

Angela: Claire…..disaster is upon us.

Claire: Yes, I watch the news.

Angela: Several disasters are going to hit the planet in due time. _And it's up to you to stop it_.

Claire: What?! Me?!

Angela: You may not realize this Claire….._but you are what we call 'The Third Generation' of Heroes._

Claire: Uh….that's kinda obvious…but whatever.

Angela: You must group up with the others of your generation and stop these tragedies.

Claire: Why can't Peter and Nathan and Niki and all them do it?!

Angela: Because…..they're idiots.

Claire: Well, you have a good reason, I guess.

Angela: You see, _we were the first generation_. We kept the world safe from EVIL!

Claire: You could dream the future, Bob Bishop turned crap to gold, and Kaito Nakamura knew how to manipulate the Stock Market…..yeah, you guys were really effective. (Rolls eyes)

Angela: Peter and the second generation are always off doing stupid things. It's up to you now, Claire.

Claire: By myself?!

Angela: No. Like I said….the rest of your generation. I've compiled a list.

Claire: Oh boy….

Angela: Seek out and recruit the following people to your cause:

_Claire Bennet (We'll go ahead and check her off the list)_

Claire: I didn't say I'd do it yet!

_Micah Sanders  
Monica Dawson  
Molly Walker  
Lyle Bennet  
Simon Petrelli  
Monty Petrelli_

Angela: I don't think I forgot anyone….

Claire: Hold the phone! Wait a minute! First off….Lyle doesn't have any powers, and he's my brother so NO. And Simon and Monty are like….4 or something…..and they don't have powers either!

Angela: You have accepted your mission.

Claire: I haven't said that yet!

Angela: Find them and begin the third generation…..The world depends on it. Good day.

Angela gets up and leaves, walking into the hall closet. Claire chuckles…..Angela isn't coming out……

Claire: Uh…..Angela?.....

Claire gets up and opens the closet door….Angela is gone!

Claire: Now how the hell did she do that?!

Niki returns to Peter's apartment to find Matt and Mohinder packing.

Niki: Are you guys moving out? If so….HOORAY!

Matt: I got some inheritance from my Great Aunt Mildew who just passed away….

Niki: Mildew?

Matt: It's a house!

Niki: Uh huh….

Matt: And some money!

Niki: Uh huh…..

Matt: But we can only have it under one stipulation.

Niki: Uh huh…..

Matt: We have to stay _one night_ in it.

Niki: And….

Matt: It's haunted.

Niki: Of course it is.

Matt: So let's get packing.

Niki (to Mohinder): You're not actually going along with this are you?

Mohinder: It's a house, Niki. We don't have to stay in this crummy apartment anymore. Though we had some good times….

---

Niki and Mohinder are watching tv. Matt comes along and sniffs……he starts barking. He barks at a hole in the corner of the room.

Mohinder: Matt, ol' boy, what are you barking at? What do you see?

The camera zooms in the hole….deeper and deeper….

Fraggles (singing): _Dance your cares away! Worries for another day! Let the music play! Down at Fraggle Rock!_

---

Niki: ……

Mohinder: Actually I don't think we had any good times here.

Niki: I rest my case. Fine, let's get out of here……

Matt (singing): _Dance your cares away…worries for another day!_

Niki: Oh, thanks a lot, Mohinder. Now he's going to be singing that all day!

Matt: _Down at Fraggle Rock! (Clap! Clap!)_

Meanwhile, at the Internet Café….

Micah: I'D LOVE TO JOIN THE THIRD GENERATION! AWESOME!

Claire: Uh…..okay.

Micah: So, what's our first mission?

Claire: We need to find the rest of the 'generation' and form a league I guess….and stop the world from disaster.

Micah: What disaster is hitting?

Claire: ……Wait a minute…._I don't even know_! Angela didn't tell me squat!

Micah: Okay…..that's a good start.

Claire: I hate this already.

Micah: Don't worry. We'll find Molly at the apartment, she's helping Matt and the others pack. We can use her to find the others.

Claire: Hmm…..I didn't think of that. I should have went to her first, _it took me four hours just to find you_.

Peter crosses the police tape into Angela's house.

Angela (on the phone, spots Peter): There you are! Where have you been?

Peter: In an alternate timeline stopping the dictatorship from a character everyone forgot about from Season 2.

Angela: I knew that.

Peter: _No you didn't!!_

Angela: Well, as you see…..a crime has been committed.

Peter: ………

Angela: ………

Peter: ………uh…..

Angela: I was shot!.....Multiple times!……._In the body!_

Peter: You……..look okay?

Angela: Hold on……(On phone) Yes, _New York Crime Scene Investigative Department_…..

Peter: You could have just said CSI: _New York_…..

Peter gets dragged away by lawyers.

Angela: I have a complaint. While your group was _investigating_, you broke one of my priceless lamps, got fingerprint dust all over the cabinets, and the man who did my body chalk outline just _drew a giant circle with the words 'The Corpse Was Here' written in the middle of it!!'_ I hope I'm not paying for any of this through taxes or something.

Peter gets back from being sued. Angela hangs up the phone.

Angela: So what do you want?

Peter: I'm looking for information about the impending disasters. You have to know something about it.

Angela: I do….but I have _top people on it_.

Peter: It's not that '_Third Generation'_ thing you're always blabbing about is it.

Angela: NO….I need you to look for Nathan.

Peter: Nathan? Oh crap, he was probably looking for me after the last volume.

Angela: For literally _minutes!_.....Anyway, he went to go look for Bennet…..he's the one who shot me…..but there is a lot more that meets the eye.

Peter: Like _Transformers!_

Angela: Shut up. Anyway, I haven't heard back from Nathan….so now you need to talk to his new assistant….Elle.

Peter: AWWW! (whines)

Angela: Stop whining!

Claire (to Molly): So you see, it's our job to save the world. And you would be an invaluable member to our cause….whatever it is.

Molly: Okay, I'll come along. I'm getting tired of packing….

Molly ducks, almost getting creamed by a box of Christmas lights that Matt threw down from the closet.

Molly: …and defying death every 5 seconds. Just give me the list and I'll point the way.

Claire and Micah: HOORAY!

Later, Claire, Micah and Molly enter a Karate Dojo.

Monica: Hey guys!

Micah: Hey Monica. You remember Claire and Molly?

Monica: Sure do. Good to see you guys. What can I help you with?

Claire: According to my crazy grandmother, disaster is striking the planet. It is _my job_ to enlist 'Heroes' of our generation to form a super group of….super…people…to save the day.

Monica: Sounds fun. I'll be happy to join.

Claire and Micah: HOO-

Monica: But you have to fight _me_ in a karate match…_and win_.

Claire and Micah: …_ray?_

Claire: Fine…I'll fight you…..and win!

Micah: We can always come back to her later, Claire. Or we can skip her entirely.

Claire: _What's that supposed to mean?!_

Peter is standing in an office….Elle is staring back at him.

Elle: Do you have an appointment?

Peter: No. Nathan's not here. I need to find him. You should have his last location.

Elle: Well, Peter, I'm sorry I can't come with you but I can't leave my post.

Peter: I….don't remember asking you to come along.

Elle: I just can't Peter!

Peter: What?

Elle: I'll give you the coordinates……._if you get me lunch_.

Peter: LUNCH!? Why?

Elle: …so….I could eat…and….not starve….that's kinda how it works.

Peter: Why do I have to get you lunch?

Elle: Because I can't leave. _I'm the assistant! _There's no _assistant to the assistant_…..

Peter: If I get you lunch, then will you tell me coordinates.

Elle: Yes, I said that before….but whatever.

Peter: Fine!

Monica: I'm really sorry I broke your arm, Claire.

Claire: No biggie….can you just grab onto my forearm real quick?

Monica: Uh…sure.

Claire jerks her body in a half motion, the bone pops back into place.

Monica: Uh….ew?

Claire: Well, now that you bested me at karate.

Micah: She wiped the floor with you Claire!

---

Monica: BEGIN!

Claire lays down on the floor and starts flailing her arms and legs.

Claire (flailing): AHHHHHHHHH!!! AM I HITTING YOU YET!?! AHHHHH!!

Monica: This is embarrassing……oh well…._CHOP!_

---

Peter drops a bag on Elle's desk.

Elle: What is this?

Peter: Your lunch? You had me go get it so you can tell me where Nathan is. You know you are holding up the '_saving the world' _process? I hope you know that.

Elle: Did you get my order right?

Peter: Yes, a number 3, no pickles, light salted fries, with a apple pie, and a large diet coke, half of lemon partially squeezed, and 2 ice cubes.

Elle: But you said no pickles.

Peter: YES.

Elle: This bag is kinda heavy……(looks in it)…_This bag is filled with pickles!_

Peter: I may have ordered the wrong thing.

Elle: UGH! It's seeping through the bag and getting pickle juice _all over my desk!_

Peter: Make with the info, Elle.

Elle: Not until you get it right. Go get it again!

Peter: I don't have time for this Elle! Directions!

Elle: Here is the last known destination of the mayor mobile….

Peter: Mayor Mobile?

Elle: Uh…yeah.

Peter: Um….thanks.

Elle: …..

Peter: ….Bye now.

Peter leaves.

Meanwhile…

Lyle: _You want me to what?!_

Claire: Sigh……I need you to join our super group of heroes to stop the impending disaster.

Lyle: And you know I don't have any powers?

Claire: That is correct.

Lyle: And….you don't know what disaster is happening?

Claire: That is also correct.

Lyle: ……….sure, count me in.

Micah: HOO-

Claire: I'm not _'hooray-ing'_ this…..

Lyle: Well, that's just rude…

Later, another knock at the door. Nathan's ex-wife, Heidi, answers.

Heidi: Oh, hello step-daughter.

Claire (to Lyle): _Uh…did she know about me?_

Everyone shrugs.

Claire: Great….um…..hi. Can we talk to Simon and Monty?

Heidi: ….uh……sure I guess. They're in the den.

The group walks in, Claire turns a corner.

Simon: BANG! BANG!

A plastic dart his Claire in the forehead.

Claire: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Lyle: Calm down, spaz, it's only a plastic dart.

Claire: Oh……(she yanks it off)…….

Simon: Who are you?

Claire: Where the….

Monty slugs Simon in the shoulder.

Monty: TAG!

They run off.

Claire: Oh this is stupid! Why the hell would Angela send me to recruit them? Is she off her rocker?!

Lyle: Uh…..maybe.

Claire turns around to see Monty pointed his finger at her.

Claire: …what?

Monty: ….

Claire: WHAT?!

Monty: What?

Claire: ….stop it.

Monty: I'm not touching you.

Claire: Ugh….the painful memories of having a brother.

Lyle: Uh HELLO! I'm in the room!

Claire: See? This is why I didn't want you coming along….

Meanwhile, Angela is still watching her soap operas.

-_Previously on As The Stomach Turns-_

Lydia: I'm pregnant!

Jessie: What?!

Lydia: I'm having Skyler's baby!

Jessie: But _I'm having Skyler's baby!_

Director: CUT!

The director walks up to the two women and takes off her headset.

Director: _I'm having Skyler's baby!_

Lydia: Let's get him.

---

Angela: Wow, I wasn't expecting that twist….

The phone rings.

Angela: Dammit!

Angela answers it.

Angela: WHAT?!

Claire: Angela, it's Claire.

Angela: Who?

Claire: We got 5 out of 7 members of the Third Generation.

Angela: That's good. 5-7 is a good number.

Claire: Oh that's just nice. You could have told me that so we could have skipped the going to Nathan's ex-wife's house.

Angela: Yeah….

Claire: So, what do we need to do?

Angela: Talk to Peter, he will tell you everything you need to know about the disaster at hand.

Claire: What? I thought Peter was being kept out of this.

Angela: Well, things have changed. Nathan has gone missing and now I can't get a hold of Peter. Find him and ask him about the….oh wait.

Claire: What?

Angela: _I forgot to tell Peter about the disaster_.

Claire: Well that's just great!

Angela: Find him and bring to him this message………_Seven Days_.

Claire: Seven Days?!..........

Angela: Yes……_SEVEN DAYS_.

Claire: That doesn't tell me anything!

Angela: That is all I have. Tell that to him. Now go!

Claire: Un-freaking believable.

Angela: You might need a vehicle…._The Mayor's Assistant should help you_.

Claire: And who is that?

A bag of food plops on Elle's desk.

Elle: Oh, hello.

Claire: Here's your stinkin food! Can we have a car now.

Elle: Hold on……_THIS BAG IS FULL OF PICKLES AGAIN! _God, you and Peter suck at this!

Claire: CAR!

Elle: Very well….follow me.

Outside….

Monica: Is that…?

Claire: An RV?!

Elle: The Company RV. It should help you on your travels.

Claire: So…did you stop working for my dad or something?

Elle: Yes, Nathan's business is a much more relaxed environment….except I don't get lunch breaks…..which would be fine if some people _didn't keep botching up my lunch orders!_

Claire: Okay, guys let's go!

Nathan's car is on the side of the road…..Peter looks in it.

Peter: Nathan….appears to be missing. _Detective Peter Petrelli is on the case!_

He pulls out a magnifying glass.

Peter: This thing doesn't magnify that well…..

Peter sticks his finger through where the magnifying lens should be….nothing.

Peter: Oh, that's why.

He throws it away.

Peter: GASP! Footsteps…..these footprints look like somebody who was wearing shoes….it's gotta be him. I'm on the case!

Peter follows the footsteps up to the diner.

Peter: Finally! A break!

Peter walks into the diner.

Peter: Hello! Anybody?

Doyle pokes his head out from the back room.

Peter sees both Nathan and Noah cooking.

Peter: …..wow, I'm lost!

Doyle: Oh goody….another employee.

Nathan: Peter! Do something!

Peter: I can't! _I accidentally picked up the power to be a Detective_…….and I got a broken magnifying glass! What a rip off!

Nathan: We're screwed.

Noah: Yup…..Did you already drop fries for Order 11?

Nathan: Oh, crap I forgot.

Noah: Don't worry I got it.

An RV pulls up in front of the restaurant.

Claire: Is this the place?

Lyle (driving): Who cares? It's food! I'm starving.

Molly: Yeah, Peter is in here.

Claire: …..okay, whatever. All right team…..let's go…..talk to Peter…..

Everyone: …uh…..yay…..

Claire: We better get more exciting missions than this! Okay, GO! GO! GO!

Everyone piles out and storms into the diner.

Claire: What the?!

Peter, Nathan, and Noah are cooking.

Claire: …..I'm lost.

Doyle: Why, hello there Barbie!

Claire: Oh crap! Not you!

Monica: Are they just bringing everyone back from '_Villains'_?

Micah: I guess.

Doyle: May I offer you some pie?

Claire: Get real! We would never support anything you're doing! Right guys?

Claire turns to see Lyle eating pie.

Lyle: I forgot my wallet…._you should probably go ahead and pay him_.

Claire: Ugh……..

_To Be Continued. _


	3. A Few Strings Attached

The Heroes Parody Project (3)

_Disclaimer: This fan fiction is based of the NBC television show, 'Heroes'. Heroes is copyright Tim Kring, NBC, and the rest. I am not nor do I represent any of the cast or crew involved with the show and it is written solely for entertainment purposes only, that and it gives the author something to distract him while grieving over the cancellation of Ugly Betty (not really). Reader Discretion is advised._

Micah: …..and that is my project.

The judges look over Micah's Science Fair project and write down some notes.

Judge: Pretty good….it'll have a hard time beating the exchange student's project though.

Micah: What?! What exchange student.

Micah goes to the project next to him, _Matt is sitting on a stool wearing a cap backwards_.

Matt: Hey homie!

Micah: Matt! What are you doing here?!

Matt: Trying to win the science fair.

Micah: I'm going to kill you if you take my medal away from me……..

Matt: It's a bet I have with Niki…..

Micah: My mom?....Oh, you mean last night when she said '_Don't take my son's medal away from him or I'll kill you'_.

Matt: ….uh….maybe.

Micah: I'm not scared. What is your project anyway?

Matt: This volcano!

Micah: A volcano! Everybody has done that!

Matt: Well, I didn't! It wasn't cool when I was in school.

Micah: Wow….I had no idea….._you went to school_.

Matt: HEY! You stole that jab from your mom.

Micah: I did.

Matt: Well, laugh all you want. That medal is mine.

Judge (to Matt): Now, what is your project young man.

Micah: He's not a student! He's pushing 50!

Matt: I'm glad you asked….this volcano looks like any normal volcano…..but with the compound mixture of _Pop Rocks, Alka-Seltzer Tablets, and Dish Washing Soap. I add in this special liquid that contains, Coke, Water, and Vinegar and…_

He pours it in….and nothing happens……until the school blows up.

_KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_

Micah (carrying his medal), walks over to Matt, lying (and covered) in a pool of coke, vinegar, and all the other ingredients.

Micah: Well, you blew up my school. _And they just finished building it after it burned down a few months ago_.

Matt gets up and wipes himself off.

Matt: Yes….but I did get _4__th__ place_…….

Micah: WHAT?!

Matt: So, I'll see you in the state finals, Sanders…..Today, the school……tomorrow….._City Hall_.

Micah: _How are people letting you get away with these things!?_

Matt: Think about that while I recap what happened last week….._Previously on Heroes_……

---

_Daphne Millbrook and Peter split up after eating some delicious pancakes down at IHOP. She has some business to take care of with Hiro, he has to find information on Disaster Number 1: The Supposed Zombie Invasion. After several diversions he ends up adopting a useless power and gets caught by Doyle, now having to serve food in his Diner of Evil alongside fellow prisoners Nathan and Noah. Meanwhile, Angela visits Claire and tells her that fate tells her that she must form a new group (generation) of Heroes to save the day. With the help of Micah, Monica, Lyle (who is powerless) and Molly (who is actually doing something this Volume) to look for Peter the highly clichéd but mysterious clue to his investigation 'Seven Days'. Which doesn't get them too far since now Claire and the Third Generation end up at the diner and are now face to face with the puppet master._

_---_

A plate of meat loaf gets plopped in front of a customer, on the meat loaf, written on it is:

_Chapter Three 'A Few Strings Attached'_

Man: What the hell is on my meat loaf!?

Claire (teeth gritting): …_Doyle._

Doyle: …_Barbie._

Claire (gritting): _…Doyle_.

Doyle: ……uh….._Barbie_?

Claire: What are you doing here?

Doyle: I'm trying to run a business here…..but I keep getting distracted by people I have to kidnap.

Claire: Let both my dads and my uncle free!....That's a weird sentence…..

Doyle: Or what?

Claire: You don't want to cross us…._Third Generation of Heroes!...ATTACK!_

Micah: Cash register disabled!

Lyle: Nintendo DS….enabled! (playing)

Molly: The bad guy is…._right over there!_

Claire: UGH!

Doyle: And with the process of elimination….I'm going to say….(looks at Monica)…._you're the useful one!_ Have a seat.

Doyle lifts up his hands and drops them….Monica plops down.

Claire: Crap.

Monica: Ooh….can I have a strawberry milkshake?

Doyle: But of course! PETER! MILKSHAKE!

Peter: You got it!

Doyle (to Claire): So….what were you going to do?

Claire: Other than regret this decision……..I guess I'll take the pot roast. Sigh….

Matt: MMM! _This pot roast is sooo delicious! (Takes a bite)_

Niki: _YOU'RE IN THE WRONG PLOT, STUPID!_

Matt: oh…..(takes one more bite and runs off).

Matt meets up with Niki and Mohinder, standing in front of a large house.

Matt: I'm not sure about this, guys.

Mohinder: We needed to get out of Peter's apartment, Matt. This house actually looks….._extraor-_

Niki grabs Mohinder's lips.

Mohinder: MMRRR!

Matt: According to this will…._from good ol' Great Aunt Mildew_….

Niki: I still can't get over that name….

Matt: We just need to stay the night in this house……for one night…..and the house will be ours….and some money.

Niki: How descriptive.

Matt: OKAY! Let's do this!

Matt links his arms with Niki and Mohinder.

Mohinder: What are you doing?

Matt: We're ready to go visit the demons! _Ready Toto?_

Toto: WOOF!

Niki: _Where the hell did that dog come from?!_

Matt hops and starts skipping away, dragging Niki and Mohinder with him.

Matt (singing): _We're off to see the demons! The wonderful demons of OOOZZZZZ!_

Mohinder: _OW! That dog just bit me!_

= = = (_We're off to roll the credits! The wonderful credits of _HEROES) = = =

Claire: _Bus tables?!_ I don't wanna bus tables!

Doyle: I don't think you have a choice, Barbie!

Claire: And stop calling me Barbie.

Doyle: Fine, _I'm demoting you to 'Skipper'_.

Claire: _Not 'Skipper'!_

In the kitchen….

Nathan (washing dishes): ….Hey, Pete?

Peter (cooking and singing): _Well, I'm movin on up…._

Nathan: Pete?

Peter (singing): _….to the East Side…_

Nathan: Peter?

Peter (singing): _….where the beans don't burn in the kitchen……_wait….

Noah: That's the seventh t.v theme song you've botched in the last hour….just stop.

Nathan: PETER!

Peter: Yes…..

Nathan: Don't you think we should be trying to find a way out of here? We can't work here forever.

Peter: I don't know….it's kinda fun…..

Peter (singing): _Boy, the way Glen Miller played..._....Take it away, Edith!

Noah (sighing, then singing in 'high pitched' Edith voice): _…songs that made the hit parade…_

Peter: _Guys like us we had it made…._

Noah and Peter: _Those were the daaaayyyyysss!_

Nathan: …..

Doyle: ……

Claire (wide eyed, confused): ……

Noah: What?

Claire: Nothing!....I'll be taking these orders now….(She picks up 2 plates)

Noah: Those plates don't have food on them!

Claire: Still walking!

Meanwhile, Matt is unpacking his clothes in the haunted house. He finishes unpacking and heads into the bathroom. He walks out and finds _all his clothes repacked into the suitcase_.

Matt: HUH!?

Matt walks over and opens the suitcase….all his clothes nice and neatly packed……

Matt: That's…..strange…..I could have sworn I just unpacked these.

Matt takes out a shirt and throws it into a drawer, closing it. He reopens it and the shirt is gone. Matt turns around and finds the shirt on the bed.

Matt: ……that's…..strange…..

LEMONADE! GET YOUR FRESH LEMONADE!

Hiro: Anybody….lemonade…?

Ando: Hiro, this isn't 1950. Nobody buys lemonade from stands anymore.

Hiro: Not true. We had that one customer.

Ando: You mean the guy standing in front of us for the last half hour demanding a refund.

Hiro: Uh, yeah…him.

Guy: This is a rip off! This isn't lemonade. It's just a cup of water with a lemon wedge in it!

Hiro: Well, you have to like…_stir it_, or something.

Guy: You guys don't know one thing about selling lemonade! I'm going to build a lemonade stand and run you out of business.

Hiro: Please tell me this isn't our story line….

Ando: I don't know what our story line is anymore.

Voice: I'd like some lemonade…

Hiro: Sure, that will be….AHHH!

Ando: Uh oh.

Before them stands Daphne, holding a couple of quarters.

Hiro (hissing): _Nemesis!_ Ando, give me something blunty to throw at her!

Ando hands him a lemon wedge.

Hiro: Uh…..(he lobs it at her). _Take that!_

Daphne: Uh huh….anyway, how are you feeling, Hiro?

Hiro: Good, I guess. What do you want?

Daphne: Oh nothing……well….

Hiro: Here we go.

Daphne: I've been looking at your track record and you owe me a favor.

Hiro: I don't know what you're talking about.

Daphne: Actually _two favors_.

Hiro: Now I really don't know what you're talking about.

Daphne: Well, you know I stopped that whole '_Dinosaur'_ mess of yours last volume?

Hiro: I suppose.

Daphne: And I just recently saved your rear from the Caitlin ruling alternate timeline thingy……I know, I'm awesome.

Hiro: Drat, I was really hoping that was a bad dream.

Daphne: So….it's time to quit the lemonade business…..

Daphne picks up the lemon wedge Hiro threw at her…..

Daphne: This is a lime wedge! _You've been using limes?!_ God, Hiro, you suck at this!

Hiro: Well, I think we've been doing good for first timers.

Daphne: Well, now that you _desperately need to quit the 'lemonade' business_. You now work for me.

Hiro: What if I refuse?

Daphne: Oh….I can just take you back to the timeline and leave you there.

Hiro: Not if I freeze time….which sometimes works nowadays.

Daphne: Even if you could…_I'd just outrun it_. I'm that fast.

Ando: Still don't understand how that's possible.

Daphne: So….are you ready for your first assignment?

Hiro: We aren't getting off to a good start, Ando.

Ando: It could be worse, _you could be forced to work against your will in a diner in the middle of nowhere_.

Monica: It could be worse, _you could be running a lemonade stand_.

Claire: That would be better than this.

Monica: Probably.

Claire: That's it! I've had it.

Claire busts into Doyle's office.

Doyle: Bar….er…._Skipper?_

Claire: Doyle, I hate this place. Let all the others go but me.

Doyle: You can't die, so why on Earth would I do that?!

Claire: UH…

Doyle: So, just sit back and relax and enjoy the ride…..by working here forever.

Claire: Why did you have my dad shoot Angela Petrelli?

Doyle: You knew about that?!

Claire: Yes…..my uncle Peter has a very big mouth!

Peter (on the outside of the office with a glass pressed against the wall): _She just said I have a big mouth!_

Nathan: Well, you kinda do.

Doyle: You don't understand, Claire.

Claire: Try me.

Doyle: You're father was starting up The Company Deux……he's rounded up people again like me….like you…..I couldn't let that happen. I had to take a stand.

Claire: They only caught one person and he had a stupid power, and Sylar's _Syndicate Group_ blew it up….you had nothing to worry about!

Doyle: If only you knew……I need _Retribution_.

Claire: Oh my god! _That was the last volume! _The revenge thing is done. Get over it already!

Doyle: Angela may have survived but she was lucky. _Nobody is going anywhere_.

Claire: GRR!

Doyle: You are dismissed.

Doyle points two fingers to the ground and rotates his wrist. Claire turns around. Doyle then starts to slowly wiggle his fingers and Claire starts to walk. He then reaches to get his phone, while unknowingly making _Claire walk into a wall_.

WHAP!

Claire: OOF!

Doyle: Oh…sorry….

Meanwhile, Matt is in the kitchen eating breakfast…for dinner.

Matt: Oh, pancakes. I heart you……now you just need some syrup.

Matt reaches across the table for the syrup, _it slides away from him_.

Matt: ….uh….oh, _Mrs. Butterworth_….you are such a character!..........Wait…….NIKI!!!

Niki (down the hall): _Mrs. Butterworth is a fictional character, Matt. We've been over this!_

Matt: Oh……..AHHHHH!!!

Matt takes off and runs down the hall.

Meanwhile….

Hiro: You must be joking!

Daphne: Nope. It'll be the perfect plot. I'll '_pretend'_ to get in trouble, you come rescue me, I '_pretend'_ to pay you for your lifesaving services, then we start a business and save people….for money…..

Hiro: WHAT?! I can't believe you want us to do that!

Daphne: What's the big deal! It's not like you people are doing anything else important this volume!

Hiro: As a matter of fact we were!

Daphne: ….after the lemonade scheme?

Hiro: Yes….in fact….we were going to…..uh…..

------------BLANK!

Daphne: You don't have anything, do you?

Hiro (sobbing): No……sob…..

Claire, and the rest of the _Third Generation_, are sitting around a table on break.

Claire: Okay, team. It's crunch time. We need to get everyone out of here and stop Doyle! Any suggestions?

Monica: I say poison his food!

Claire: Good, Monica! I'll write that one down. Anyone else?

Lyle: I don't think that'll work….he'll just make you try it to see if it's not poisoned.

Claire: He's not _that_ smart, Lyle. Okay! Doyle should be ordering food within the next couple of minutes. Operation: Poison Doyle….IS GO!

Micah: _We didn't get to say our ideas_!

Molly: They were really good.

Micah: We'll do them if the poison thing doesn't work.

Claire comes up to the counter and puts a ticket through the window for Peter.

Peter: HI CLAIRE!

Claire: Hey, Peter…..can you get this for me?

Peter: Ah, Doyle's order…..The Meatloaf Special……._why is there a Skull and Crossbones drawn on here?_

Claire: It means '_Poison'_…..you are to poison this meal!

Peter: …._he asked for that?!_

Claire: No, you ding dong! _We are going to poison him and run away!_

Peter: OH!.......Claire, that's not very nice. I thought I raised you better than that….

---

Claire (as Blair) walks over to Mrs. Garret (Peter).

Claire: Oh Mrs. Garret, _what are the Facts of Life_?

Peter: Oh Blair…..The Facts of Life is….._one pie to the face!_

SPLOOK!

---

Claire: What…the hell was that?!?!

Peter: I'm really tired….and there are a lot of fumes back here!

Claire: Okay…A) _Stop with the television references_. PLEASE! B) Doyle is responsible for shooting your mother. Just a reminder. And C) _Make my poisoned meatloaf, dammit!_

Peter: Here you go.

Claire: That was fast.

Peter: That's our motto, _Here at Doyle's Diner….you eat our food….or we'll make you eat it through telepathic puppetry. _

Claire: That's actually printed on the menu….why hasn't anybody noticed that yet….?

Peter: Okay, Claire…..order up! DING!

Claire: There's no bell. Why did….you…..nevermind. I'm off to save the world….._after saving us._

A knock on Doyle's door.

Doyle: ENTER!

Claire enters with Doyle's food.

Doyle: That looks delicious.

Claire: Yes.

Doyle: Very fast, too!

Claire: Yes.

Doyle: Try it.

Claire: ….no.

Doyle: Why not?....._Because it's poisoned!?!?_

Claire: AHHH! You knew about that?

Doyle: Well, I had my sneaking suspicions…._but you just confirmed it._

Claire: Damn my big mouth….it's worse than Peter's!

Peter (outside): _I heard that!_

Doyle: So….try it.

Claire: I'm full.

Doyle: Try it.

Claire: I'm allergic to meat loaf.

Doyle: TRY IT!

Claire: I can assure you that it's not poisoned.

Doyle: Fine……I believe you.

Claire: ….good?

25 seconds later, Lyle is sitting next to Claire.

Doyle: Make your brother try it.

Claire: …….

Lyle: ……..

Claire (to Lyle): …._Well?_

Lyle: …WELL!?....I'm not eating that!

Claire (whispering): Lyle…come on….this is the only chance we can get Doyle……take one for the team.

Lyle: You do realize I told you this would happen?

Claire: ………and?

Niki: Matt, give me a break! There is no such thing as ghosts! Ugh, I thought we went over this!

Matt: No, my clothes repacked themselves, and the syrup moved!

Mohinder: There's a simple explanation, Matt. The table leg is broken, making it slant. Anything will slide off that table.

Matt: And what about the constant repacking of my clothes?

Mohinder: ….._that was probably a ghost_.

Matt: AHHH!

He runs off.

Niki: ….._I'm not paying for his therapy._

Mohinder: The man can make _the mind do whatever it wants!_ If he shells out money for a shrink that his problem.

Niki: …..

Mohinder: …..

Niki: ….._you're going to pretend to be a shrink and get some money out of him_?

Mohinder: Niki! I'm appalled……Taking advantage of people for money that's….

Daphne: …_exactly what we're about to do!_ Okay…….

Daphne walks out in the middle of the street. She gets on her phone and calls Hiro.

Hiro (hiding in an alley, picking up the phone): Yes?

Daphne: Now….Ando is going to try to hit me with a bus.

Hiro: Where is he going to get a bus?!

Daphne: You have to run out and rescue me!

Hiro: By stopping time!

Daphne: Uh…NO! Then no one will see it!

Hiro: Oh.

Daphne: Just run out and gently shove me out of harms way.

Hiro: How do you _'gently' shove someone?!_

Daphne: Here comes the bus…….okay……GO!

Hiro is running out of an alley.

Daphne (yelling, getting nobody's attention): Oh, city life sure is great….OOPS! I dropped my purse….I hope I don't get hit by a bus or something……

Hiro: WAIT! I'll save you!

Ando (in the bus): AHH! I've lost control of the bus and I'm going to run over….OH! Red Light!

Ando hits the brakes.

Daphne: Hiro! Where are you?!

Something starts to tug on Daphne.

Daphne: Boy Scouts!?

Boy Scout: Hurry, Miss! Once the light turns green that bus will run you over!

Daphne: Uh….I'm actually waiting on someone else to come save me. Thanks though.

Other Boy Scout: Great! Now how are we going to get our '_Help The Old Lady Cross The Street Badge'?_

Daphne: _I'm not an old lady!!!_

Hiro runs up, out of breath.

Daphne: There you are!

Hiro: Ando's bus broke down at the light…._we might have to go save him._

Daphne: UGH!

Lyle sits in front of a plate of meat loaf…..yeah, the poisoned one.

Lyle: I don't need a reminder……

Claire: Just eat it…..so _Doyle_ can eat this perfectly fine food.

Lyle: I'm telling mom about this……I hope she makes you brush Muggles' teeth again….

Claire: I doubt it…..since she made me stop using those '_Teeth Whitening Trays'…_

---

Claire: Okay, Mr. Muggles, we'll make this simple. I just put this whitening goop on this small plastic tray, then put one on the top row and one on the bottom row of your teeth.

Mr. Muggles: WOOF!

Claire: …..here we go……uh huh……..little over here…….aaaaaand……got it! Wow! You can't even tell they're in there. Hmmm….(reading box) .it could cause a reaction if mixed with saliva….I probably shouldn't be using this on a dog.

Sandra: How's my little poopsy woopsy….

Sandra looks at Mr. Muggles…._who is foaming out the mouth._

Sandra: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! _RABIES!_

Sandra faints.

Claire: …..OOHHHH….I get it….because of the…..yeah, I'm in _even more trouble now._

---

Claire: Eat the meat loaf already.

Lyle: Okay…….

Lyle picks up the fork. He cuts off a piece of the meat loaf. He picks it up….hesitates….and eats it.

Claire: …..

Doyle: …..

Lyle: (Chewing)

Peter: (Listening)

Lyle: …..It's good!

Claire: WHAT?! How are you not dead!?

Doyle looks at Claire.

Claire: UH…._with meatloaf that you could just die for!_ It's so…..YUM!

Doyle: _OH MY GOD! YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, BARBIE!_

Lyle: I thought he was calling her '_Skipper'_…

Doyle: You tried to poison me! And after all I haven't done for you…..

Claire: For the last time! The meat loaf is not poisoned!

Voice Outside: Somebody call 911!! _The meat loaf has been poisoned!_

Doyle: …..

Lyle: ……wait for it……

Claire: …_poisoned with 'love'?_

Doyle: _Get out of my office!_

Daphne, Hiro, and Ando are walking.

Daphne: So, the '_Hiro for Hire'_ thing was a bust….

Hiro: Uh huh….

Daphne: But I always have '_Plan B'_.

Ando: Fantastic.

Daphne: Look at this week's newspaper. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Hiro: That _Calvin and Hobbes is a total rip-off of my childhood life?_

---

Kaito Nakamura: HIRO!? What happened to our house? It's destroyed!

Child Hiro: It was my stuffed pet _Kraken_….He came to life as soon as you left the room….._His name is Krackers_…

Kaito: You have brought shame and dishonor upon this family…._again_.

---

Daphne: …uh NO….I was talking about The New York National Museum of History…..it's unveiling of the _Lost Jewel Of Atlantis_. We can swipe it, sell it, and then…..we get money.

Hiro: ……Stealing is wrong.

Daphne: That's all you got!?

Ando: Is anybody going to point out that this is just ripping off the '_Claire and Sylar steal from a museum' plotline from last Volume_?

Daphne: Here is what we'll do. Ando will get a job as a security guard. (Hands something to Ando) _This is your resume._

Hiro: What?!

Ando: Wow…..This list of fake credentials is pretty amazing….._can I keep this?_

Hiro: ANDO!?

Daphne: When we finish the job. Hiro and I will pose as a married couple.

Hiro: Yeah, right! Nobody will believe that.

Daphne: HIRO! I can't believe you were checking out that waitress!

Daphne slaps him.

Hiro: OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?

Woman (passing by with her husband): Oh honey, look at that _cute married couple_. They must be having a lover's quarrel. I hope we can fight like that someday.

Man: Me too!

Daphne: Excellent! My plan is going thought _perfectly_.

Hiro: Ando, this woman is _insane!_ We need to get the hell out of here!

Daphne: The mission begins in 1 hour. Rehearse your lines.

Daphne hands Hiro and Ando their scripts.

Daphne: And Ando….your interview is in 20 minutes. Hustle!

Ando runs off.

Hiro: This is bad….really bad.

Daphne: Don't talk like that _Husband_, everything will work out just fine…..

Daphne grabs Hiro's arm and drags him along.

The ambulance drives the customer away as Doyle watches. He turns towards Claire.

Doyle: YOU!

Claire: What?

Doyle: Yes….you poisoned my customers and now my business is ruined!

Claire: _Who me?_

Doyle: _Yes, you!_

Claire: _Couldn't be!_

Doyle: _Then who?_

Claire: ….

Doyle: …..I wasn't sure where I was going with that.

Claire: Me neither.

Doyle: You are going to pay dearly……

Claire: I hope you're not going to make me eat your food….I mean, come on, _it's poisoned!_

Doyle makes a hand gesture and Claire reaches over and grabs a gun that was hidden _in a Jello Mold_.

Claire: Now that's just ridiculous.

Peter (to Nathan): I told you there was something funky in that Jello.

Claire holds the gun up to her head.

Doyle: So long….Barbie.

Claire pulls the trigger…..put nothing happens.

Doyle: Why not?!

Noah: Your gun is clogged with Jello….not a wise move.

Noah sneaks up behind Doyle and bashes his head with a skillet.

Peter: I just washed that!

Claire: Thanks for the save, dad……though a little quicker would have been handy in case if the _gun actually worked._

Lyle: And thanks to us, _The Third Generation of Heroes!_

Claire: _You guys didn't do anything! So shut your face!_

Peter: All in a day's work…..let's congratulate ourselves with some delicious grub.

Peter takes a bite of _meatloaf_.

Claire: ……Seriously, Peter?

Peter: ….._It's the poisoned one, isn't it?_

Claire nods.

Peter falls to the ground.

Claire: Well, better get him to the hospital.

Peter: Make sure….._Doogie Howser_….is my doctor….

Claire: ….or not.

Mohinder gets up after a full night's sleep.

Mohinder: Hey, Niki….how did you sleep?

Niki: Pretty good. You?

Mohinder: Not bad…Not bad…..

Niki: I thought you were going to dress up like a shrink and get some money out of Matt?

Mohinder: Nah…..that would have been too easy.

Niki: Yeah….._we should probably tell him that we were the ones playing tricks on him_.

Flashback to Matt putting his clothes up, Niki rolls out from under the bed and throws them back in the suitcase. Then another flashback to Mohinder sitting under the kitchen table holding a string tied to the syrup bottle.

Mohinder and Niki: ….._NAH!_

Mohinder: Where is he, anyway?

They both get up and walk down the hallway. They open the bathroom door to find Matt writing something on the mirror.

Matt (writing and chanting): _….7 Days…..7 Days……7 Days….._

Mohinder: Isn't that from '_The Ring'?_

Niki: Who cares what it's from! He's wasting my lipstick!

Matt puts the cap on the lipstick and drops it.

Matt (swaying….completely out of it): ….._it begins_……

Matt collapses on the floor.

Mohinder: That…isn't good.

Niki: I know….(picks up her lipstick)….Now I have to go buy MORE lipstick…..UGH!

Peter opens his eyes…..he is in the hospital.

Peter: This is getting old. This better not be another timeline shift. _Is the villain Simone this time?!_

Nurse: Mr. Petrelli, it's time for your medication.

Peter takes the cup of his medication from his nurse…._Sylar_.

Peter: UH…..

Sylar: ….yes?

Peter: Aren't I supposed to get food?

Sylar: Sure….right here…..

He drops a tray in Peter's lap.

Sylar: It's _meat loaf_….

Peter: …..cute.

_To Be Continued_…


	4. Claire Bear In Wonderland

The Heroes Parody Project (3)

_Disclaimer: This fan fiction is based of the NBC television show, 'Heroes'. Heroes is copyright Tim Kring, NBC, and the rest. I am not nor do I represent any of the cast or crew involved with the show and it is written solely for entertainment purposes only, that and it gives the author something to do until his Swanson's chicken pot pie finishes cooking (It's always frozen in the middle). Reader Discretion is advised._

Niki goes into the bathroom, wearing a towel. Her bath tub has just finished filling.

Niki: Ah…a nice hot bath to relax my frayed nerves….Can't wait.

Niki slips off the towel and climbs in. She relaxes for about 8 seconds before realizing _Matt is in there too_.

Niki: AHHH! MATT?! What the hell are you doing here?!?!

Matt is sitting in the tub playing with a boat and a rubber duckie.

Matt: Well….this is awkward.

Niki: You are in my bathtub. And you just saw me _naked!_ I'm so embarrassed….._I wish everyone was dead but me._

Matt: Must I remind you yet again….._Former Internet Stripper_.

Niki: Hmph!

Matt: Yeah, this is like the fourth time this has happened. _You should probably stop taking baths_.

Niki: No! Then I'd stink!

Mohinder runs in.

Niki: Oh great…

Mohinder: I heard screaming and…..

Matt waves.

Mohinder: ……uh…….

Matt: What? _It's the hugest tub in the house!_

Mohinder: That's true. But…..

Niki: This can't get any worse.

Mohinder: I have to ask……_Who is that? _(Points)

Niki notices _a snorkel tube floating past her_. Wide eyed, she looks at Matt.

Matt: ….._I don't know who that is._

Niki: Okay then!

Niki grabs the phone.

Niki (on phone): _Hello, is this the newspaper? I want to place a ad for someone looking for a new place to live. I don't care who, where, and when._

Operator: _We're already filled to the limit with your requests, Mrs. Sanders….stop calling!_

(Click)

Niki: Great….

Matt: Don't feel bad, Niki. Play with Mr. Duckie…._Quack! Quack!_.......his squeakers broken so I have to make the sounds myself.

Niki slides down into the water.

Niki: _Previously on…*blub*blub*blub*blub*blub*blub*blub*_

---

_Daphne calls in her favor to Hiro and makes him and Ando assist her into some money making schemes (like the 'Hiro For Hire' service, which was a bust. But no bigger of a bust than that stupid lemonade stand). Now they are off to steal an artifact from a museum. Meanwhile, Matt found a house so they can get out of Peter's apartment. The only stipulation being that the house is haunted (which every television show on Earth has gone down that road, except for Beakman's World, don't think they ever did that). The haunting turns out to be a hoax (Mohinder and Niki trying to spook Matt), but now Matt is in a possessed condition so maybe it is haunted. More meanwhiles, Claire tries to poison Doyle but accidentally poisons a customer. Doyle is distracted by this and Noah saves the day and Doyle has been whisked off to the unstable Company Deux. (Level 52 has been destroyed, maybe there's another one). Peter eats the meat loaf and gets poisoned, whisked to the hospital (I swear he's been hospitalized more than any character on the show…Hiro coming in second….followed by Nathan). Now he's at the hospital being treated by a not dead Sylar. _

_---_

_Heroes is typed in front of a live studio audience. (The author's fingers fall off)_

Peter, in the hospital bed, is shocked that Sylar is alive.

Peter: Sylar, I'm shocked that you're alive.

Sylar: Peter, you should know by now that it takes more than a….wait, how did you know I died?

Peter: Your building blowing up was on the news….and they were reenacting your death through interpretive dance down at the convention center.

---

With _Liam Neeson_ as _Samson Gray._

Liam Neeson: _I love my son more than anything, but he has forsaken me….me must be taught a lesson. May God have mercy on my soul…._

(Sylar: WOW! Liam Neeson played my father….that's neat…..)

_and Andy Dick as Sylar…_

(Sylar: WHAT?!)

Andy Dick: _Oh no! My dad is going..like…to blow up my building and stuff! That's so…crazy. _

Andy Dick (flipping his finger across his lips): pbpbpbppbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbppb….

---

Sylar: I am so offended right now.

Peter: I have the DVD. It includes a deleted scene where your dad mentions that as a kid you dressed up as _Betty Boop_.

Sylar: _I was just trying to prove to my friends that her head is shaped like a pelvis!_ Where are people getting the information to produce these things anyway?!

Peter: So….you're a nurse now. Are you good again or something?

Sylar: I thought about it…..but maybe I'll be bad after all…..

Peter: What are you going to do?

Sylar snickers and moves in on Peter holding a knife.

Peter: Wait! What are you doing?!....AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Later, Sylar is standing over Peter, knife in hand, Peter is covered in blood.

_Time rewinds, before the incident, before Peter gets checked in, several patients come and go out of that room, time stops when Sylar is in the bed. _His assistant, Jax, is by his side. The doctor comes in.

Jax: Doctor, how is he?

Doctor: Well, it's amazing he wasn't affected too badly by the explosion. Just some slight cuts and burns. I've never seen that building before, what was going on in there?!

Jax: Animal….rescue …..chocolate factory…..?

Doctor: …..

Jax: ….what?

Doctor: Forget I asked.

Jax: What about his allergic reaction to the soup I fed him earlier?

Doctor: One thing at a time….we'll get on that later.

Jax: Well, that kinda was the reason I brought him in. He seemed okay from the explosion.

Doctor: It's always a good idea to make sure…..but he'll be perfectly fine though….he is in a coma though.

Jax: I don't think that's '_fine'_.

Doctor: He should be up and around in a few days. Please, feel free to eat in the cafeteria while you wait. _Don't eat the meat loaf though_…..

Jax: uh…..

We zoom in on Sylar, _who should probably trim his nose hairs a bit_…

Sylar: HEY!

_We zoom in on him as he's in a coma…what is going on in his sick, twisted, mind…._

Sylar: I take offense to that.

---(Dream World)---

_Once upon a time, there was a girl named Claire Bennet_….

Sylar: WHAT!? Claire is the star of my dream? That's messed up!

_She was in the middle of cheerleading, she was the greatest cheerleader in all the land._

Claire (cheering): _TWO! FOUR! SIX! EIGHT! Who do we appreciate? GOOOO TIGERS!_

Cheerleader: _We're the Wildcats!_

_But something didn't fit well with Claire…_

Claire: This bra is _way too tight!_

_Uh…No. Something ELSE didn't fit well with Claire. She saw a rabbit. _

Hiro (The Rabbit): This is so humiliating….but I love this pocket watch.

Claire: Hey, kitty!

Hiro: I'm not a cat! I'm a Rabbit…..who makes that mistake?

_Hiro the rabbit runs off. He's late. He's late. For a very important date…_

Hiro: If I miss the _Bette Midler_ concert, myself I'll surely hate.

Claire: Uh…..

_Whatever. Claire chases after the rabbit. Her curiosity has no limits._

Claire: Come back, kitty!

Hiro: I'M NOT A CAT!

_Claire runs along she sees…_

Claire: A cat hole.

_Claire looks into the hole, which appears to have no bottom. It was a bottomless pit. If she were to go in there, she wouldn't get out. Because it is bottomless. _

Claire: We got it. Thanks.

Hiro runs up and pushes her in.

Claire: AHHH! I'M FALLING!

_And so begins our tale of copyright infringement. Roll Credits!_

= = = (_The lawyers are coming! The lawyers are coming! _HEROES) = = =

_Chapter Four 'Claire Bear In Wonderland'_

_Our heroine, Claire, reaches the bottom of the bottomless pit. She is in a room with a table and a door. The rabbit is nowhere to be found._

Claire: _Stupid cat!_

_Claire first tries going through the door but she cannot fit. Her behind is far too massive to fit through such a small space._

Claire: SHUT YOUR FACE!

Hiro: _Drink the bottle on the table!_

Claire: Oh yeah…..wait….was that cat in here?

_She walks over to the table and drinks a bottle that says 'Drink Me'._

Claire: Drinking!

_Claire drinks some of the bottle. Her hair grows at in exponential rate, covering her whole body. Making her resemble Cousin IT from the Addams Family. _

Claire: Well, that was pointless. I can't see a thing!

_After cutting her hair. She reaches for a second bottle that says 'Drink me instead'._

Claire: GRR!

_Claire drinks the bottle. Her body shrinks, making her the perfect size for the door._

Claire: Finally.

_But alas, the door needs a key…which is on the table._

Claire: DAMMIT!

_There is only one way to get back to that size…Claire thought._

Claire: I didn't think that.

_She must eat the magical cake which will make her big again!_

Claire: This Rice Krispy Treat is delicious!

_She must eat the magical CAKE!! Which will make her big again!_

Claire: Oh fine…..oh look! Cake….

_She takes a bite of the delicious cake._

Claire: This cake tastes like crap!

_Claire, unsurprisingly grows big again…which can happen if you eat a lot of cake, Claire._

Claire: Will someone please get a new narrator?!

_Claire continues to grow until she fills up the entire room._

Claire: Well, this sucks….

Hiro: Drink the bottle again!

Claire: No way! I just cut my hair…..and I love it!

Hiro (annoyed): _The 'other' bottle…_

Claire: Oh right.

_Claire drinks the other bottle and shrinks back down to the size of the door…though she forgot to get the key._

Claire: SON OF A…

_Several minutes (and more cake) later. Claire gets it right and opens the door. _

Hiro: About time!

Claire: There you are!

Hiro runs off.

Claire: …..I hate cats.

Hiro (in the distance): _I'm not a cat!_

---The Real World, 48 Hours before the events of Peter in the hospital---

A helicopter lands at the destroyed Syndicate building. Jax, who was just at area 51 pointless trying to find a way to fire up the Remnants project again, is shocked.

Jax: I'm not surprised.

Jax hops out and sorts through the wreckage.

Jax: SIR!.......SIR! Are you in here!

Peppermint Patty: _Marcie?_

Jax: Not you!

Jax sees Sylar under some debris.

Jax: Sir! I'll get you to the hospital. I'll just pick you up and…_holy crap you're heavier than I thought_…

Sylar: I heard that!

---Meanwhile back in Wonderland---

_Claire was walking along in the forest, she is making progress._

Claire: OW! I sprained my pinky toe! I better sit it off for a few hours.

_She is greeted by Tweetledee and Tweetledum_.

Peter (Tweetledee): _Look, brother! It's a girl! She is helpless…_

Matt (Tweetledum): _Do we eat her?_

Peter: No, stupid! We help her…..

Peter and Matt walk over to Claire.

Claire: Hello, strangers!

Peter: Hi there, friend! I'm Tweetledee. And this is my brother, Tweetledum.

Claire: _Why is there pepper in my hair?_

Matt sharpens his knife and fork.

Peter: You appear to be lost.

Claire: It does look that way.

Peter: You should go talk to the Hookah Smoking Caterpillar.

Claire: The what?!

Matt: I might need some _Heinz 57_….

Peter: Oh brother….

Claire: Hahaha (_getting the hell out of here!!!)_

_Claire, Peter, and Matt are walking through the forest. _

Peter and Matt (singing): _Oo-de-lally! Oo-de-lally! Golly what a day!!_

Claire: That's _Robin Hood, you morons!_

Mohinder: Who goes there!

Peter: Behold! The Hookah Smoking Caterpillar!

Mohinder: That is correct! I am the…

He takes a puff.

Mohinder: …the (cough) (cough) (cough)….(hack)…(choke)…(clears throat)…(cough)….(long cough)….(loud hack)….

Mohinder: ugh….what was I saying?

Claire: You were hacking up your lungs?

Mohinder: That's right! I am the…(cough) (cough)…(huge cough)….(clears throat)…(hacking)…(hacking)….

Claire: Can someone take that away from him?

Later…

Mohinder: What do you want?

Claire: I'm the bestest cheerleader ever, and I left my world to come to this awful place. Can you help me get home…or something.

Mohinder: I cannot help you. You should go see The Mad Hatter.

Claire: This is getting old.

Mohinder: Go see him, he will show you the path….away from here.

Claire: Fine, let's go.

Mohinder: Can I have my Hookah back?

Claire: No.

---Real World 36 Hours Ago---

Sylar wakes up….he is in….a house!

Sylar: Huh?

Jax: Oh good, sir….you are well.

Sylar: I thought you were taking me to a hospital?

Jax: I was but Wheel Of Fortune is on….._and I never miss The Wheel._

Sylar: What an inconsiderate jerk!

Jax (watching): HA! Bankrupt! Serves you right, grandma!

Sylar: What happened?

Jax: Your father blew up the Syndicate….everyone is dead except you…..and me of course.

Sylar: Everyone….all….those people…who worked with me?

Jax: Your henchmen whose names you can't remember?

Sylar: Whatever. What about Claude?

Jax: Did you not pick up that he wasn't a remnant?

Sylar: Oh rats, I forgot about that. Did you know?

Jax: No. However I did hack into your father's e-mails and he is affiliated with Dr. Munroe, who was planning on releasing a video of Claire Bennet using her powers.

Sylar: I'm pretty sure she was captured.

Jax: Me and Claude broke Claire out and used her to break into Munroe's and find the tape. We didn't tell you because if you had anything to do with it, your father would find out.

Sylar: Yeah, he could blow up my building….oh wait he did that anyway.

Jax: Actually, Claude blew it up.

Sylar: Now I'm lost.

Jax: He was real the entire time and was working with the Company.

Sylar: Bennet knew this?

Jax: No, Angela Petrelli hired him. They both kept it a secret because they didn't want to jeopardize his cover. Because you did have a device installed on him that can kill him with the push of a button.

Sylar: Do I still have that?

Jax: No, it was destroyed in the blast.

Sylar: Damn…..Now how do you know all that?!

Jax: _I hacked into Angela's e-mails_.

Sylar: Well, that's a really cheap way to tie loose ends….and I'm still confused.

Jax: Enough talking. Eat some soup.

Sylar: I don't like soup.

Jax: Here comes the plane…_Choo! Choo!_

Sylar: That's not the sound a plane makes….

He takes a bite.

Sylar: …..is this chicken noodle?

Jax: Yes.

Sylar: I'm allergic to noodles.

Sylar's face start to swell up.

Jax: Well, that's just great…

Sylar: Now would be a good time to take me to the hospital.

Jax: _But I'll miss the Wheel!_

---Wonderland!---

Claire, Peter, and Matt are continuing to walk through more forest. _Mr. Muggles' head pops up out of nowhere!_

Claire: AHHHH!

Peter: That's just the Cheshire Muggles….he's friendly….I think.

Claire: Cheshires are a type of cat…..that doesn't….forget it. Either way he scared the crap out of me.

Matt: He does that sometimes.

Muggles' huge head is staring at Claire, panting.

Claire: This is getting creepy…._and he just drooled on my Cheerleader outfit! _And why is there _more pepper in my hair!!?!?!_

Matt slowly puts away the pepper shaker.

Claire: I'm leaving!

_Our Heroes run off to a small section of forest. What do we have here? There's a table, where a tea party seems to be taking place. _

Sylar, _The Mad Hatter_, pops up.

Sylar: YOU!

Claire: Me?

Sylar: Well, it's good to see me in my own dream finally now that it's halfway finished!

Claire: I'm sorry Sylar, but you would have made a hideous Alice….

Sylar: You'll eat those words! Switch me clothes!

Claire: NO!

Sylar: Fine, then come join me for tea.

Claire, Peter, and Matt join Sylar, The March Hare (Nathan), and the Dormouse (Niki) for tea.

Niki: I wanted to be Alice!

Sylar: NOBODY IS PLAYING ALICE!

Claire: I've been Alice this entire time….so….I don't know what you are talking about.

Sylar: This is my dream, and I'm the star. Alice doesn't exist.

Claire (waving): YOO HOO! Right here!

Nathan: This tea is delicious….(He takes a bite of his cup)

Sylar: Now, it has come to my attention that I have read the script and do not get many more lines after this. So…I am the star of this dream….since it is my dream…and….we're changing clothes.

Sylar is in Claire's cheerleading outfit.

Sylar: This bra is a little tight.

Claire: This stupid hat is huge!

Sylar: Okay, what would you all like to drink? I have _RC Cola and Zima_.

Claire: I'll take tea.

Sylar: I don't have tea.

Claire: I thought this was a _tea party_?

Sylar: It is.

Claire: Where's the tea?!

Sylar: _Foolish wench_, I told you I don't have any tea!

Claire: ARGH!

---Real World, 24 Hours Ago---

The doctors wheel him into the hospital.

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Jax: My boss here was in a horrible explosion…but I rescued him and took him back to my house…

Doctor: Wheel of Fortune?

Jax: Yes. Anyway I fed him some soup.

Doctor: Chicken Noodle.

Jax: Yes….how do you know this?

Doctor: There are some individuals who are allergic to that soup. I don't know how Campbell's sleeps at night.

Jax: It was actually _Progresso brand Soups._

Doctor: Not any better.

Jax: Uh…..

Doctor: We'll get started on him right away….._right after Jeopardy._

Jax: I love Jeopardy!

---Wonderland!---

Claire: That was delicious (finger quotes) "TEA".

Sylar: Yes….it was.

Claire: Can I have my clothes back.

Sylar: …..fine.

Clothes Change!

Claire: I'm still wearing your clothes.

Peter: This bra is kinda tight…..

Another Clothes Change!

Claire: Finally….now that you men stretched out my uniform…jerks.

Sylar: So what brings you here to my dream?

Claire: I'm trying to leave….I hate this place.

Sylar: We should go walk around in the forest a bit. Maybe you'll find your answer.

Claire: Okay.

Sylar: Or get captured by the Queen…

Claire: What?

Sylar: Nothing.

_After the wonderful tea party…_

Claire: Which sucked…

…_Claire, Tweetledee, Tweetledum, The Mad Hatter, The March Hare, and The Dormouse_…

Niki: I still think I should have been Alice.

_...go walking in the forest, they bump into the Rabbit_.

Claire: Hey it's that cat!

Hiro: I'm not a cat! How many times…..sheesh…

Claire: What are you doing here?

Hiro: I came to warn you that the Queen Of Hearts is coming after you?

Claire: Why?

Hiro: I don't know.

Claire: Not while I have my new friends by my side….

(Crickets)

Claire: _Where the hell did my new friends go?_

_Suddenly, a sinister army of Playing Cards show up_.

Claire: Excuse me?

_The leader of the army, Noah Bennet, The Knave of Hearts_, _leads the pack_.

Noah: Claire Bear.

Claire: Dad, why are you here? You are totally embarrassing me in front of my new friends….wherever they went.

Noah: I'm not your dad, I work for the Queen Of Hearts….

Claire: Process of elimination leads me to believe it's probably _Angela_.

Noah: You would be correct.

Claire: I thought so.

Noah: The Queen wants you to participate in a game of Croquet?

Claire: That game where everyone sits around in a circle and then you pick someone and they chase you?

Noah: _That's 'Duck, Duck, Goose'_…..completely different game.

Claire: Why does she want me? She not even supposed to know who I am.

Noah: She's been watching you.

Claire: Creepy. Fine I'll be captured…._NO THANKS TO MY NEW FRIENDS!_

Meanwhile at the Mansion Of Hearts….(Castles were banned from the show).

Angela: Hello, Claire….My name is Angela…I am the Queen Of Hearts.

Claire: Hi.

Angela: Would you care for a game of Croquet?

Claire: Can't we play that '_Heads Down, Thumbs Up, 7-Up' _game instead?

Angela: No, because we're not in the 3rd grade.

Claire: Those were the good old days….

Outside…

Angela: Now, Claire….the object of the game is to hit your ball through the rings. Make it through all the rings and get it back home. Then you win.

Claire: I know. _We've been playing this game for two hours, I haven't made it through a single ring._

Angela: Tee hee! Keep trying, I'm about to win!

Claire: Hey! I made it through my first ring!

Angela: _OFF WITH HER HEAD!_

Claire: Okay, _Caitlin…_

Angela: Off with it, NOW!

Claire: Wait, she's serious?! Dad?

Noah: Not your father in this dream, sorry Claire Bear.

Claire: What a rip off!

---Real World, 12 Hours Ago---

Sylar is in the bed. Jax is by his side. The doctor comes in.

Jax: Doctor, how is he?

Doctor: Well, it's amazing he wasn't affected too badly by the explosion. Just some slight cuts and burns. I've never seen that building before, what was going on in there?!

Jax: Animal….rescue …..chocolate factory…..?

Doctor: …..

Jax: ….what?

Doctor: Forget I asked.

Jax: What about his allergic reaction to the soup I fed him earlier?

Doctor: One thing at a time….we'll get on that later.

Jax: Well, that kinda was the reason I brought him in. He seemed okay from the explosion.

Doctor: It's always a good idea to make sure…..but he'll be perfectly fine though….he is in a coma though.

Jax: I don't think that's '_fine'_.

Doctor: He should be up and around in a few days. Please, feel free to eat in the cafeteria while you wait. _Don't eat the meat loaf though_…..

Jax: uh…..

---Wonderland!---

Previously…

Angela: OFF WITH HER HEAD!

Claire: Oh, come on! I didn't do anything!

Angela: You're attempting to beat me at my favorite game!

Playing Card Guard: She tried to shuffle us!

Noah: _She also painted the roses 'blue'_.

Angela: CUT OFF HER HEAD TWICE!

Claire: I hate this place.

The guards run after her. Claire grabs a mallet and knocks a few cards down and books it.

Claire runs downstairs, she notices Peter, Matt, Sylar, Nathan, and Niki are imprisoned.

Claire: Oh, you guys got captured….I thought you ran off and left me.

Peter: Oh we did, but we ran into more guards.

Claire: You guys suck!

Hiro runs up.

Hiro: Here's the key!

Claire unlocks them and they run off.

Later, back in the forest.

Claire: Well, that was a crazy adventure. I'm sure we butchered the entire story…but we're saved.

Sylar: Peace has returned to the forest…thanks to me….and not Claire.

Claire: Hey!

Sylar: Everyone drink tea!

Claire: Now you have tea….

Peter: How are you going to get home, Claire?

Claire: Maybe I don't have to, _Twitterman_…

Peter: It's Tweetledee….

Claire: Maybe I can stay here…with my new friends….because everything is going to be okay!

_A croquet ball comes flying out of nowhere and smacks Claire in the face. WHAP!!_

Claire: OWW!

_Claire has woken up…she is back at Cheerleading practice. A group of cheerleaders are standing over her._

Claire: What happened?

Cheerleader: You fell off the pyramid and hit your face on the ground….are you allright?

Claire: I'm fine….man, I had the craziest dream….._you weren't there…and you weren't there either…_Just some stupid woodland creatures….

Cheerleader: Now we can cheer some more!

Claire: Yes we can, Ginger.

Cheerleader: It's Stacy.

Claire: All I know is that everything is going to be okay. (Thumbs up)

_Another croquet ball comes flying out of nowhere and smacks Claire in the face. WHAP!_

Claire: OW! DAMMIT!

---The Real World, 6 Hours Ago---

Sylar wakes up, his face hurts.

Sylar: That was Claire who got smacked in the face….I hate dreams.

Jax: Sir! It's good to see that you're okay! Your face swelling is almost gone.

Sylar: I know, Jax….But you know….I've been thinking.

Jax: What, sir.

Sylar: I love being evil.

Jax: Yes, you do.

Sylar: But really…what is the point.

Jax: Uh oh….

Sylar: I've been evil for so long. I started out as just a killer. And since then I've been stabbed, lost powers again and again, had my mind completely toasted by pretending to be Nathan, then trapped in Matt's mind, and more recently, have been blown up several times. I just get tired of it…..the ends never justify the means.

Jax: Uh huh…

Sylar: All this time I let this feud between my father eat at me….but not anymore. I am a changed man….

Jax: So you're going to be good _again?_

Sylar: …yes.

Jax: And your father?

Sylar: If we run into each other again….he'll be in for quite the surprise.

Jax: Are you going to bake him a cake?

Sylar: No….something better.

Jax: Allright, but I'm going to go ahead and place my bets that this one will only last about 2 episodes.

Sylar: I really want to shoot for 3.

Jax rolls his eyes.

Sylar: I'm going to start my streak of doing good deeds, by getting a job at the hospital.

Jax: You can't just _'get' a job'_ here. There's a ton of school work involved!

Sylar leaves and comes back in as _Nurse Sylar_.

Jax: And that's why I go to a different hospital when I get sick….

_We fast forward six hours, Sylar help a few patients before tending to his latest patient, Peter._

Peter: So….you're a nurse now. Are you good again or something?

Sylar: I thought about it…..but maybe I'll be bad after all…..

Peter: What are you going to do?

Sylar snickers and moves in on Peter holding a knife.

Peter: Wait! What are you doing?!....AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Sylar: Would you chill? I was just going to eat your meat loaf….spaz…..

Later, Sylar is standing over Peter, knife in hand, Peter is covered in ketchup. Not blood (cop out!)

Peter: You weren't going to kill me?

Sylar: Nope…I'm good now, remember.

Peter: I don't think I like '_Good Sylar'_.

Sylar: Did you like '_Bad Sylar'?_

Peter: Hmm….good point.

A doctor pops in.

Doctor: Nurse Sylar, I need your help.

Sylar runs out into the hallway.

Sylar: What is it?

Doctor: This man has been wheeled in. He claims that someone bit him and he's not feeling so hot.

Sylar: What is this, a zombie invasion?

Peter (overhearing): Oh crap…..

Peter reaches over and picks up his phone. He dials Angela.

Angela (trying to watch her shows, still): UGH!

Angela picks up her phone.

Angela: What is it, Peter?

Peter: Ma! I need to know more about the disaster. _Because up until now you've been completely useless!_

Angela: I can see everything…right now.

Peter: How? Don't you need to be asleep or something?

Angela: Something bad….is going to happen…..we only have _seven days_….

Peter: Seven Days to do what?

Angela: I…..I…..you must…..you must….

Peter: Ma?!

Angela: …ergghh…..

Angela drops the phone.

Peter: MA!

The phone is on the ground, Angela is watching her shows.

Angela (watching): Oh no…._Brianna got back with Michael?! She needs to drop that zero and get herself a hero!_.....That left a bad taste in my mouth.

Peter: I really need to call the network and get that show cancelled.

_To Be Continued_...


	5. Seven Days Part 1

The Heroes Parody Project (3)

_Disclaimer: This fan fiction is based on the NBC television show, 'Heroes'. Heroes is copyright Tim Kring, NBC, and the rest. I am not nor do I represent any of the cast or crew involved with the show and it is written solely for entertainment purposes only, that and it gives the author somethin to talk about…let's give them somethin to talk about…let's give them something to talk about…how about looooove (oh, forget it)…_

Peter drops by Nathan's office.

Peter: Hey, bro. I got that thing for you.

Nathan: Ah, good. Just leave it on my desk.

Peter: That's really cool that you, the mayor of this 'land' we live in, are participating in the '_Fulfill A Wish'_ foundation for a sick kid at the hospital. I take back all the bad things I said right about you right before I walked into your office.

Nathan: What?

Peter: Nothing. So when are we starting on this?

Nathan: Haha…Peter, you don't have to participate. I'm sure it's something small like meeting a celebrity…I have that many connections.

Peter: Nate, I'm sure there aren't that many children lining up to meet _Roseanne_…

Nathan: Why not? She's cool…..

Peter looks off to the side.

Nathan: What did you have in mind, then?

Peter: Well, I already read the note…

Nathan: That's illegal, mind you.

Peter: And she wants a reenactment of her favorite tv show…performed by the major and his friends.

Nathan: ….no she didn't.

Peter: She actually wanted to meet Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, but I tossed this idea and she loved it more.

Nathan: Ugh….

Peter: I didn't catch her favorite show though….

Nathan (reading): _Dora The Explorer?_

Peter: Wonderful, your monkey costume will be ready by 3:00.

Nathan: CRAP!

Later…

Peter: Hey there kids! I'm Dora….I like to explore stuff!

Nathan (in a monkey costume): …..

Peter: That's your line.

Nathan: Hey kids….(sigh)….I'm _Boots_, I'm a monkey and I like to throw my……uh…..Peter did you write this script?

Peter: We're going off on a grand adventure! Come on Boots!

Nathan: We're are we going?

Peter: I'm glad you asked. We have to take an adventure through the _Scary Forest!_

Nathan: What?

Peter: _The Scary Forest!_

Nathan: Ah…

Peter: _The Scary Forest!_

Nathan: Okay!

Peter: _The Scary Forest!_

Nathan: Why do you keep repeating that!

Peter: _The Scary Forest!_

Nathan: Shut up!

Peter: _The Scary Forest!_

Nathan: Dude, seriously?

Peter: Where are we going, kids?

Nathan: ……

Peter: ……

Nathan: …..

Peter: ……

Nathan: …..What are you doing?

Peter: ….we're waiting.

Nathan: On what?

Peter: For the kids to answer.

Nathan: Dude, this is being taped for television. There's noone out there who can answer us…

Peter: Where are we going, kids?

Nathan: ….

Peter: ….

Nathan: …I can't take much more of this.

Peter: That's right….._THE SCARY FOREST!_

Nathan: NEW SHOW! NOW!

Later….

Nathan: This isn't much better….

_This Week: On Chip And Dale Rescue Rangers!_

Peter (Dale): Hey there, Chip! What's with the serious look? I say we just lay back and party!

Nathan (Chip): This is the worst chipmunk costume I have ever seen.

Claire (Gadget): You yanked me from Cheerleading Practice for this?

Peter: Claire, you graduated High School like…_a hundred years ago_. You're not fooling anybody…

Claire: It's called _Colledge, jerk!_

Peter: You spelled that wrong!

Claire: What?

Matt (Monty): Hey, guys what's shakin?

Matt nibbles on a piece of cheese.

Matt: I LOVE CHEESE!

Claire: Matt, you can cut the act, the cameras are off.

Matt: Were we filming something?

Nathan (on the phone): Hello?....Yes….I'd like to speak to Mr. Abdul-Jabbar…….

_Mohinder: Previously, on Heroes…_

_Before a wonderful three week break (Boo!), we finally found out what happened to Sylar post 'Retribution'. The Syndicate blew up, Sylar being the sole survivor (it's in his contract), and Jax because he happened to not be there, instead checking out the remains of the Remnants Project back at Area 51, for some pointless reason because that was destroyed as well. After some more pointless events Sylar ends up at the hospital and comatoses up a rip-off of Alice In Wonderland starring Claire (not him). The dream ends, he gets a job as a nurse, Peter on the other hand ate some poisoned meat loaf from Claire's sub-plot and ended up in the hospital to be tended by Nurse Sylar, whose pretending to be good again, since that always works out. Meanwhile, in partial important plot, the morning after spending the night in the haunted house Matt is in a blank, clueless state (more so than normal), spouting '7 Days' the same garage Angela spouts during the commercial breaks of her crappy soap operas…_

Angela: HEY!

…_Meanwhile, Doyle has been captured and everyone from the restaurant is saved. Nurse Sylar and Peter find a patient who was 'bit' and not feeling so hot (we all know what that means). And for anybody who forgot Caitlin (hasn't been the first time), after the destruction of the other timeline, Daphne drops her off in an alley to be lost forever (an odd punishment), only to be picked up by Samson Gray._

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

Bullwinkle pulls out a card that reads:

_Chapter 5 'Seven Days Part 1'_

Bullwinkle: Must have grabbed the wrong hat.

Rocky: And now for something we hope you'll really like!

Sylar: What the hell was that!

Peter: Happens all the time.

Peter and Sylar are walking down the street, Peter has apparently detoxed from meat loaf poisoning.

Sylar: Where are we going?

Peter: I'm off to….why are you following me?

Sylar: It's a _Brave New World_….I want to be good!

Peter (rolls eyes): Whatever….I need to get to ma's house to find more information of the impending zombie invasion. That guy at the hospital was just the beginning.

Sylar: How would she know?

Peter: Duh! She can dream the future!

Sylar: _Interesting_……

Sylar takes out a wet nap and polishes off his '_scalp slicing finger'_. Getting it ready for '_use'_.

Peter: ….

Sylar: Oh, yeah…..sorry.

He puts his finger away.

**DAY 1: INFECTION**

Peter knocks on Angela's door. Angela opens it.

Peter: Holy crap! I didn't think she'd get out of bed and away from her stories!

Angela: Someone had them cancelled.

Peter: I didn't think I actually did that!

Sylar: Excuse me…_Young Lady_…..is your mother home?....I'm selling these cookies!

Angela: Sylar, stop trying to be nice! Nobody's falling for it.

Peter: I was starting to. Man, I was such a boob….

Angela (eye roll): _and in other breaking news…_

Peter: Ma, I need to know everything about the zombie invasion.

Angela: Peter…you must destroy…_The Source_…

Peter: The source….?

Angela: The source of the invasion.

Peter: I kinda got that….what is the source?

Angela: Peter, I can't hold your hand through all your troubles. Some things you need to work out on your own.

Peter: But you know what's going to happen! Wouldn't it be easier to just tell me!

Angela: Yeah, and it would also be easier for Hiro to just freeze time and teleport every villain in the world to a remote island. But things don't just happen like that.

Sylar: Why doesn't he do that?

Peter and Angela look at Sylar.

Sylar: I can say that because he's done that to me like 5 times already. And once to Adam Munroe….

Peter: Fine! We'll go save the world ourselves. With or without your help.

Angela: Don't sass me, young man. I raised you! _NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!_

Sylar: Huh?

Peter: Ugh, she's on that again….let's just go.

Angela slams the door. A door opens, it's to the Bennet home. Claire is getting home fresh from her meat loaf story.

Claire: I wish you wouldn't call it that!

She walks into the kitchen where her mother is waiting for her.

Claire: Hi, mom.

Sandra: Hello, Claire Bear…

Claire: Oookay, you never call me that….I'm freaking out.

Mr. Muggles: GRRRRRR!

Claire: Muggles? Why are you….oh wait, he always growls at me.

Sandra: You're just in time for dinner…._we're having cheerleader_.

Claire: You invited my old squad to dinner? I just have to fix my hair and…..oh wait…._you were referring to me?_

Sandra: Braaaains!

Claire: OH NO!

Claire runs off while Sandra chases her with a rolling pin.

Claire: Oh I tripped!......_Oh I tripped again!_

Sandra: You could put at least _some effort_ into this Claire…

Meanwhile….

Matt wakes up in a cold sweat….Niki throws a bucket of water on him.

Matt: ACK! _You're supposed to do that BEFORE I wake up_.

Niki: You were asleep?

Mohinder: You were in the bathroom spouting off cryptic messages about 'Seven Days'.

Matt: Probably from watching _The Ring_.

Niki: See? I told you.

Mohinder: I said that! Not you!

A doorbell rings.

Niki: Who could that be?

Mohinder: Maybe it's the police?

Matt: Why would it be…._nobody's called them._

Mohinder: _Communism is just a red-herring_.

Niki: Stop quoting '_Clue'_ and answer the freaking door.

Mohinder goes to answer the door.

Matt: Maybe it's the prize we win for staying in the house.

Nope, it's a mail man….who is looking hungry for brains. Nice knowing you, Mohinder.

Mohinder: I heard that!

= = = (_Look! The Earth is rotating backwards! _SEOREH_) = = =_

Claire busts through the door to her bedroom. She blocks it with a chair, her dresser, her bed, a cell phone, and a Teddy Ruxpin doll.

Claire: When did I get a Teddy Ruxpin doll?

Sandra: Claire….come out, come out!.....You don't want me to blow this door down.

Claire: Not by the hairs of my chiny chin….oh my God! There is a hair on my chin! It's HUGE! How long has that been there?

Earlier…At The Supermarket…

Claire: Hi!

Clerk: Hi!

Claire: You're super cute! How about we date or something!

Clerk: Sounds great! When can I pick you up?

Claire: Now!.....Wait, that makes me sound cheap……tonight will be great.

A loose hair pops out of Claire's chin. _TWANG!_

The Clerk's eyes widen and he walks away.

Claire: 7 O'Clock? Hello?......Do I get my groceries for free?

Back in the present…

Claire: Gonna have to pluck this bad boy…

_RRRIIIPP!_

Claire: OW! DAMMIT!

An axe comes through the door.

Claire: I know! I'll call _The Third Generation Of Heroes!_ They'll save me.

Claire picks up a device.

Claire: _Third Generation! Come in! Third Generation!_

She pulls a lever…

See N' Say Toy: _THE COW GOES…MOO!_

Claire: DAMMIT!

She hurls the toy across the room. She picks up a phone.

Peter (answering it): Yes?

Claire (on phone): Peter! It's Claire!

Peter looks at his phone. The voice is Claire, the picture is of Elle, and the name is under _Charles Deveaux_.

Peter: How did that happen?

Claire: Peter! My mom has gone crazy.

Peter (on phone): It's okay Claire, just say "Mom, I love you. But giving Mr. Muggles a bikini wax is a really bad idea."

Sylar: Isn't Muggles the dog?

Peter: Don't get me started.

Claire: It's not that! My mom wants my brain!

Peter: She wants your brain.

Sylar: Try Telekinesis….that worked for me.

Claire: Why is Sylar with you?

Peter: He's good today.

Claire: Oh. So, can you help me?

Peter: I'm on my way! It might be a clue to our investigation.

Sylar: We can take our time, it's not like she can die or anything.

Peter: Good point….Claire, do you want anything from Starbucks?

Claire: …ugh……Tall Caramel Macchiato.

Meanwhile, in a sub-plot not covered in the _Previously On Heroes_ portion….Daphne and Hiro go to the museum.

Daphne: Now remember Hiro…._since our plot wasn't important enough to be recapped in the 'Previously On Heroes' section…_You owe me for saving your life twice, after a sorry attempt at a 'Hiro-For-Hire-' business, we are now going to swap a super expensive jewel from the museum of shiny things. Ando is going to get a job as a security guard and we're posing as a married couple.

Hiro: Feh!

Daphne: Let's go.

Ando: Welcome to the museum.

Hiro: I'm still surprised you got a job here so fast.

Ando: Let me direct you to our finest jewel.

Hiro: Is the security guard supposed to show people around like this. Don't they have people who do that?

Daphne: Stop asking questions.

The three of them approach a glass case with a huge jewel in it.

Daphne: Pretty!

Ando: The jewel was founded in….hey….where did it go?

Daphne whistles. A group of guards come running up.

Hiro: Uh oh.

Guard: Miss! Did this officer let you steal the jewel?

Daphne: Uh….

Guard: I thought so. Take him away.

The guards haul Ando off to the Museum Jail.

Daphne: ….UH…..

Guard: Sorry about that Miss, it won't happen again.

Daphne: What just happened?

Hiro: I take it you weren't expecting this.

Daphne: I didn't have to do anything…..that's cool.

Hiro: That is NOT cool, now Ando is in prison. You'd think by now we'd start getting '_Get imprisoned 5 times, get out of Jail the 6__th__ time FREE' cards_.

Daphne: This is the real world, Hiro. Not Monopoly. Now let's go find a way to bust out Ando…_I'll take the car. You can take the thimble._

Hiro: But the thimble sucks! And how do you _ride a thimble anyway?_

Mohinder waddles back into the living room…._covered in blood_.

Niki: Oh my god, Mohinder! You _were supposed to start dinner like…20 minutes ago_. You know the deal…I cook, then you cook, and Matt is never allowed in the kitchen again.

Niki: Is dinner done?

Matt: Almost…

Niki: What's in this thing anyway?

Matt: Sugar…..Spice…..and Everything Nice.

Niki: Cute.

Matt: Though I accidentally added _Chemical X_.

Niki: What?

Thus…_The Powerpuff Girls were born._

Niki: Oh crap….

Matt: Hey, girls. Wanna go and save the city of _Townsville from the evil Mojo Jojo?_

Blossom: Give us all your money!

Bubbles: Or we'll beat you good!

Buttercup: And you'll be sleeping with the fishes! (Pounds her fists)

Niki: _WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!_

Matt: Hmm, must have mixed up the recipe……ah, I see what I did…..added too much thyme.

Mohinder (walking in): Hey, I have some _really angry Cartoon Network lawyers on the phone. _Who did Matt piss off now?

Niki: Mohinder, I'm trying to tell a story…which is kinda hard to do when you're trying to bite me.

Mohinder: Braaaains! Eaaaat Braaaains!

Niki: Okay, Sylar…

Disclaimer: Note! Sylar never wanted to _eat_ the brain, he just wanted to _feel around it_ and absorb any extraordinary abilities within. That's how Sylar's power works!

THE MORE YOU KNOW! = = = = = PEACOCK!

Niki: It's still gross.

Mohinder: Brraaains!

Niki: I'm out of here….Hey, stupid!

Matt: Yes!

Niki: Let's go until Mohinder calms down a bit.

Matt feels a gun barrel press against the back of his head.

Buttercup: Do what the lady says or it'll be curtains for you. Capeche?

Matt: Why so much violence in the world?

Meanwhile, Claire sticks her head out the window, she grabs a carrier pigeon.

Claire: It's actually a chicken….don't ask me where I got it.

Claire ties a note to the chicken.

Claire: Fly! Fly and by my hero!

Claire tosses the chicken into the air. As expected, it plummets and splats against the ground.

Claire: What a _FOUL_ way to communicate! Get it?

Audience: BOO!

A tomato smacks Claire in the face. SPLAT!

Claire: Gross!

Peter and Sylar run up.

Peter: Claire! I've come to rescue you! Let down your hair so Sylar and I can climb up it.

Claire: I'm not Repunzel! Use the stairs, you lazy ass!

Peter: Why is there a dead chicken in your driveway? And why are you covered in tomato splatter?

Sylar: and why can't you just jump and pop any broken bones back into place….

Claire's door opens, Sandra charges in with her rolling pin.

Peter: Let's go!

40 seconds later….

Sandra and Muggles are tied up.

Claire: Thanks, Peter. I couldn't have done it without you.

Sylar: Actually you wouldn't have done it without any of us.

Claire: Why are you here again?

Peter: Claire, something strange is going on! Zombies are attacking, and ma knows the answers but she's holding out on me?

Claire: Hmm….either that or she really doesn't know.

Peter: What are you saying?

Claire: She needs to go back to sleep…and dream more of the future.

Peter: But that could be days from now!

Claire: What! She doesn't sleep every day….

Peter: No….

Claire: That's….odd….okay, we'll make her sleep then.

Claire picks up the rolling pin.

Peter: You're going to make her cookies!

Claire: ….

Claire slowly swings the rolling pin in old fashion '_Beating Up Your Grandmother' _motion.

Peter: Oh….OH!.......Well, I don't feel comfortable with this…better check with Nathan….

Peter gets Nathan on the phone.

Peter (on phone): Hey, bro……listen, if you had to get mom to dream the future how would you do it……uh huh…….uh huh……yeah, Claire's going to knock her out…….what would you use?......uh huh…….yeah she's got a rolling pin. How do you know all this?…….uh huh……uh huh……okay…thanks.

Peter gets off the phone.

Claire: Shall we go _Clubbin'_?

Audience: BOO!

Claire: Where is that coming from?

They leave, following close behind are some _hungry individuals_.

Group: Braaains!

Claire: Okay, we get it!

**DAY TWO: NUMBERS**

Noah Bennet gets to his office where the Haitian is conducting interviews.

Noah: There you are! We've been held hostage at some stupid diner. You need to start coming along on these misadventures.

Haitian: I would…but I'm trying to get replacements for….everyone.

Noah: Huh?

Haitian: Elle is now working for Nathan. Niki, Matt, Mohinder, and Peter just stopped working here. We have no agents.

Noah: That is bad…..

Haitian: You need to get to The Mayor's office and beg Elle to come back. Apologize for treating her like garbage and get her back on our side.

Noah: But…but….but….

Haitian: Go now! Young man!

Noah: That's so not fair……

Haitian: No slouching!

Meanwhile….

Daphne and Hiro visit Ando in Museum Jail.

Ando: In prison…again.

Daphne: Don't worry Andy, we'll get you out of here.

Ando: It's Ando.

Daphne: We just need to find the key…..or you'll be stuck here for life.

Ando: You can somehow swipe a jewel from impenetrable box but you can't get me out of a cell.

Daphne: I'm not a miracle worker, Ando…….I just need time….just as long as nothing happens.

Announcer: Attention! The museum is on lockdown do to high outbreak of what appears to be zombies. Outward calls, exiting the premises, and prison breaks are prohibited.

Daphne: Well, you're screwed.

Ando: Ugh….

After staying the night at a motel, Peter, Sylar, and Claire go to Angela's.

Claire: Why did we have to stay at a hotel! Angela lives like, 5 minutes away!

Peter: It's Day 2, Claire. Pay attention to the narrative, we have 7 Days. This is Day 2.

Claire: Nobody else is following the time correctly. Realistically, Daphne and Niki should still be on Day 1.

Disclaimer: Since Claire keeps failing to use her power of not dying and has to constantly rely on Peter to rescue her even though she CANNOT DIE, it is strongly encouraged to disregard Claire's complaints about the continuity errors of the plot for the remainder of the series.

THE MORE YOU KNOW! = = = PEACOCK!

Claire: Whatever!

Peter: Here we are….Angela Manor.

Claire: Stupid name.

Peter knocks on the door.

Angela (opening it): What now!

Peter: We need to talk……

Claire hides the rolling pin behind her back, though she forgot _she turned away from the door a second ago_, making the rolling pin in plain sight of Angela's view.

Claire: Crap!

Angela: Are you going to hit me with that?

Claire: No, I'm going to bake you cookies.

Angela: Where's your cookie dough?

Claire: _It's in the rolling pin_. It's one of those special rolling pins that dispense dough while you roll it on the pan.

Angela: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Claire: Oh.

Angela: It would have been less insulting to say you were going to hit me with it.

Claire: Is it too late to say that?

Angela: Yes.

Claire: Drat….

Meanwhile, in the Mayor's office.

Elle: Well, well, well…._look what the cat dragged in._

Cat: Meow! HACK!

Elle: What is that thing? It smells like death!

Noah: Are you done?

Elle: Oh sorry….what we're you saying?

Noah: I want you to come back to the Company.

Elle: Why on Earth would I do that? This job is a billion times better.

Noah: Yeah, it probably is.

Elle: …

Noah: …

Elle: ….That's it?

Noah: Yes.

Elle: You're not really winning me over with your expert persuasion skills.

Noah: Fine….just you wait.

Later…..

Elle hears some commotion outside. She opens a window.

Noah: Okay, I'm going to get you to come back now!

Noah climbs on top of a car with a stereo. He holds it up.

Elle: Can you guess what movie that's from?

Noah: _Pretty In Pink?_

Elle: WRONG!

Noah: Uh….._Breakfast Club?_

Elle: Ugh….just play the song.

Noah: You know I don't watch movies, how can you expect me to _say anything_?

Elle slaps her forehead.

Noah: Okay…here we go.

Noah holds up the stereo….and nothing.

Noah: ….uh?........Hey can you go to the store and get me some batteries.

Elle: Strike One.

Later….

Noah climbs on top of the car he pushes play…..

Noah: You'll come back after this….

Noah accidentally drops the stereo; it dings the roof before crashing through the windshield.

Elle: That's my car you know.

Noah: Of course it is.

Elle: Strike Two.

Later….

Noah: Okay...I'm standing on someone else's car.

Elle: The fact that my car is still in shambles should be strike three alone.

Noah hits play….

_On Tape:_

_Haitian: Hi, what is your name? _

_Girl: Sally!_

_Haitian: Okay, and what makes you qualified to be Elle's replacement?_

Elle: WHAT?

Noah: ….oh fudge…Why would he tape those?

Elle: Strikes Three Through Six! You're outta here, pal!

Elle drops the window blinds…they fall off….negating any dramatic effect.

Elle: Stupid window.

Noah makes his way back upstairs.

Noah: Of course we had to hire replacements.

Elle: That's fine….but you're trying to win me back by playing the interview. Nobody is that stupid….

Noah: I really thought the Dixie Chicks were in there…..

Elle: It's supposed to be Peter Gabriel! Go watch that movie!

Noah: Sixteen Candles?

Elle: Get out.

Nathan comes out of his office.

Nathan: Oh, hey Bennet. What brings you here?

Noah: I came to get Elle back. She belongs with our company.

Nathan: Oh….well, that's her decision I guess.

Elle: I'm not going anywhere!

Nathan: Swell. You guys want to do lunch?

Noah: I'm afraid we must fight over her.

Nathan: Huh?

Noah: I have battled with you once before, Petrelli. Over Claire, Remember?

Elle: I wanna hear the story!

Nathan: Are you referring to that time that Claire won that '_Father Daughter'_ boat trip and we were trying to win a Claire Themed Quiz Competition that we both failed miserably resulting in her taking Peter on the cruise leaving us to '_fly' _there resulting in disaster.

Elle: Did the boat sink?

Noah: Jessica Sanders blew it up. I think that was when I tricked your father into carting you off to Egypt.

Elle: And you wonder why I quit?

Nathan: I could really go for lunch….are you two coming or not?

Elle: Actually my bosses fighting over me sounds fun!

Noah: Shall we get started?

Nathan: …..

Outside the building….._some hungry looking individuals lurk_…

Elle, Nathan, and Noah: WE GET IT!

Meanwhile…

Peter: Ma, go to sleep.

Angela: Subtle.

Peter: I will not let this world go to crap when you can stop it. We need to know the future!

Sylar: Can't you just take her power?

Peter: I could.

Claire: Yeah, but he won't tell us what we want to know!

Peter swipes her power.

Sylar: ……Well?

Peter: What?

Claire: Dream the future!

Peter: I'm not sleepy.

Sylar grabs the rolling pin and smacks Peter with it.

Peter: OW! Ugh….you got cookie dough all over me.

Sylar looks at Claire.

Claire: I wasn't lying about that.

Peter starts to feel woozy and passes out.

Sylar: Peter…what do you see?

Peter: I see…..Chuck!....Getting renewed for another season!

Sylar: We don't need to know that!

Claire: I actually did….I really like that show.

Sylar: Zombies, Peter….focus….

Peter: Results Hazy….Try Again….

Sylar: Tell us about the zombies!

Sylar shakes Peter's head like an 8-Ball…..

Peter: I….know…..I know the source……I……ZZZZZZZ

Claire: He's out cold!

Sylar: Of course….

Angela: Why are you people still here?

Sylar: Grab his legs. We need to get him out of here….

Meanwhile…Daphne runs back to Ando in prison.

Daphne: I got the key!....Where's Hiro?

Ando: He….tried to teleport me out of the cell…..

Daphne: ….and?

Ando: He….gone….I don't know where he is.

Daphne: Fan-freaking-tastic…..Well I guess we'll have to look for him tomorrow.

Ando: Tomorrow? We can't wait that long! That's completely….

**DAY THREE: TRAPPED**

Ando: …stupid?

Daphne: Man, I sure did sleep good.

Ando: I'm confused.

Meanwhile…

Man: BRAINS!

Elle zaps the man with lightning.

Elle: Haven't used that in a while.

Nathan: What are these things?

Noah: Zombies…

Nathan: I didn't think this show could go any lower….

Noah: We have to get out of here.

Elle: We don't HAVE to…I can just toast them all.

Nathan: Follow me!

The three of them run downstairs to the first floor. Through a hallway, Nathan opens up a steel door and the three of them run in.

Elle: Uh…isn't there anybody else?

Nathan: Everyone else has the day off.

Elle: WHAT! That sucks….

There is pounding on the door.

Elle: EEP!

Noah: Is this a panic room?

Nathan: Yes.

Noah: It doesn't look finished.

Nathan: It's not, they still need to add an air ventilation system.

Noah: ….

Elle: …..

Nathan: ….Yes, that means we're going to suffocate.

Noah: ….Can you open the door?

Nathan: The door opens automatically when the threat is removed.

Elle: So it's unfinished AND worthless. GREAT!

A car pulls up to the company building. Niki and Matt get out.

Matt: We're we seriously just driving for 2 days?

Niki: Traffic was nuts….okay?

Matt: Why are we at work?

Niki: We don't work here anymore because we just stopped showing up for some reason. We need help, something isn't right. I can feel it in my toes.

Matt: Your….nevermind.

Niki and Matt enter. The Haitian is there.

Haitian: Please tell me you've come back to work.

Niki: No, but we need your help. Matt was saying something about 'Seven Days' and now Mohinder didn't make dinner even though it was his turn. We think something may be up.

Haitian: There have been rumors about zombies lately.

Niki: Zombies? HA HA….Don't make me laugh…again…

Haitian: Something serious is going on, Niki. We must stop it….after I conduct one more interview.

Matt: It's actually my application….I didn't think I quit.

Haitian: When did you….nevermind, let's just go.

Matt: You're not going to read it? I put some really good stuff on there this time. I even told the truth!

The Haitian shreds his resume. Matt gets a phone call.

Royal Servant: King Matt Parkman Of Spain….when are you coming back to the castle?

Matt: Soon, my people….soon.

Niki: My head hurts.

Meanwhile…

Daphne and Ando leave the museum.

Ando: I thought the place was on lockdown?

Daphne: I just told them we were zombies.

Ando: That was clever….I think.

Daphne: Get in the car. We need to get away from here.

Ando: Couldn't you just….grab my hand and we run away?

Daphne: It doesn't work like that.

Ando: Yeah it does! I can name like…5 times you've done it….

Daphne: Not now….but we got guests. Get in the car!

They get into the car as hordes of people jump on top of it.

Daphne: Not a good idea I suppose.

Ando: I wonder how we're going to find Hiro….I suppose Molly….

Daphne: Okay, I haven't been around that long, but even _I know that idea has been used way too much_.

Ando: What? She has a good power!

Claire and Sylar get to Peter's Apartment. They lay him down on the couch.

Claire: So….now what?

Sylar: We wait…..

Peter wakes up.

Sylar: Well, that was quick.

Peter: I know….I know what caused the zombie invasion.

Sylar: Who?

Peter: ….._I did._

Claire and Sylar look at each other.

_What will happen next time…on Days Of Our Lives_…

Angela: BORING!

She changes the channel.

**DAY FOUR: DISTRACTIONS**

Claire: Oh, is it tomorrow already?

Sylar: The writers should have really re-thought this whole seven day storyline thing.

Meanwhile, in the non-oxygenated panic room.

Elle: Ugh…I feel woozy….

Noah: Yup….this was a bad idea.

Nathan: Well, it was either that or be eaten.

Elle: I seriously could have zapped everyone.

Nathan: I know one things for sure….I'm starving…we never got around to stocking the place up with food.

Elle: …..

Noah: What is that?

Elle: What?

Noah: What are you hiding?

Elle: Nothing!

Nathan: You are hiding something….

Elle: No I'm not….._munch…munch_….

Noah: She's eating something!

Nathan: I actually gave you a lunch break today and _this is how you repay me?_

Elle: I saw it first!

Noah: It's a Hostess Fruit Pie!

Elle: But it's mine!

Nathan: I'm the mayor…and your boss….so fork it over.

Elle: Never!

Nathan swipes it. Elle pulls out a gun.

Elle (gun on Nathan): Give. Me. Back. My. Pie.

Nathan (pulls a gun on Elle): I can't believe you'd shoot your own boss.

Noah (gun on Elle): I think I should deserve the pie.

Nathan (gun on Noah): Nobody shoots my secretary but me.

Elle (gun on Noah): Yeah!...Wait….(Gun back on Nathan)

Nathan (gun on Elle): We can split it.

Elle (gun on Noah): I don't know the meaning of 'split'.

Noah (gun still on Elle): Why are you pointing a gun at me?

Elle (gun on Noah): Because you're pointing a gun at me!

Noah (gun on Elle): You pointed it at me first!

Elle (gun on Noah): YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR!

Nathan (gun on Fruit Pie): Nobody moves…or the pie gets it…and nobody can have it…..

Noah: Fine. Destroy it.

Elle: ….yeah, go ahead. There's no point in killing each other. Just kill the pie.

Nathan: Okay…I'm going to get rid of the pie…..._turn around._

Elle: WHAT?

Noah and Elle point their guns on Nathan.

Nathan: Uh oh…

Noah: You're going to eat it!

Nathan: _But I'm the Mayor_! And I haven't had lunch yet!

Claire: How are you responsible for the zombie problem, Peter?

Peter: I just am….for something that I did long ago…..I need to talk to Mohinder.

Sylar: Mohinder? Why?

Peter runs out the door. Sylar and Claire chase after him.

Later, at the Haunted House. Peter, Claire, and Sylar walk up.

Claire: Are we just going to ignore _how we know about this house? _Or how you haven't told us anything in the 45 minute car ride here?

The NBC Peacock attacks Claire for pointing out Continuity Errors again.

Peacock: BAWK!

Claire: AHHH!

Peter kicks in the door.

Peter: Mohinder! I need science help…..Mohinder?....Where is he?

Mohinder leaps from out of the shadow and bites Claire.

Claire: OW! My flesh!

Peter grabs a toaster and bonks it over Mohinder's head….

Sylar: Peter….can I have a word with you so we can talk about Claire?

Claire: Very discreet.

Sylar: Peter, we might have to kill Claire.

Claire: I haven't left yet! You suck at this, Sylar!

Peter: Kill Claire? We can't do that! Her contract isn't up yet!

Claire: I just got the crap beating out of me by that stupid bird and Peter gets away with comments like that! Rip-off!

Sylar: She got bit….she's…._one of them_.

Peter: I didn't think of that.

Claire: Uh…Peter, the bite healed already. Any zombie juice in me has been nullified by my magic blood. I shouldn't have to tell you this.

Peter: I don't think we can take that risk, Claire.

Claire: What!

Later, Claire is tied to a chair.

Claire: This is ridiculous!

Peter: She'll be safe in restraints.

Sylar: That's not good enough, Peter.

Peter: What do you mean?

Sylar: If _Shaun Of The Dead_ taught me anything….

Peter: ….

Sylar: …_we have to remove the head._

Claire: You can't do that! I'm too pretty.

Peter: ….

Claire: Peter…this is where you disagree.

Peter: ……..

Claire: UH, HELLO!

Peter goes into the kitchen and grabs something from the drawer.

Claire: Peter! You can't kill me! That goes against everything about your character!

The Peacock pops its head through the window, staring daggers at Claire.

Claire: On second thought, make it quick.

Peter walks over with a knife and holds it to the side of Claire's neck.

Claire: Is that a butter knife?

Peter: _Sniff…_Claire, this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you_._

Peter starts rubbing the dull butter knife back and forth on Claire's neck.

Claire: I actually believe you.

Peter: ….you have a very thick neck….

Claire: I must get it from a family _of thick skulls_….

Sylar plops down on the couch as Peter hopelessly carves away. Making no progress.

Claire: Can I get a magazine or something?

_To Be Continued_…

**RIP Heroes: 2006-2010. **


	6. Seven Days Part 2

The Heroes Parody Project (3)

_Disclaimer: This fan fiction is based on the NBC television show, 'Heroes'. Heroes is copyright Tim Kring, NBC, and the rest. I am not nor do I represent any of the cast or crew involved with the show and it is written solely for entertainment purposes only, that and it gives the author something to do while waiting for his 'Grandmother Simulator App' to download to his phone. Reader Discretion is advised._

Author Note: Sorry, this one took me forever. I've been working on it piece by piece the past few weeks but kept going back and re-doing things. Just got home, knuckles cracked, getting this one finished tonight! I'm starting the next chapter right after this and it will be up Thursday.

_Clouds in the sky…they separate…the title appears…_

THE BENNETS…

_At a local school, Lyle Bennet is writing on the chalkboard 'We're Sorry FOX'. The bell rings, he runs out, bursting through the doors on his skate board._

_Noah Bennet is at the office, the end of work bell blows…_

Haitian: When did we get one of those?

_Noah sprints out of the building…_

Haitian: Okay, don't answer me…rude….

_Sandra is at the super market, reading a magazine in the checkout lane. Mr. Muggles is sitting on the conveyor belt, right before getting scanned._

_A music teacher is trying to teach class, interrupted by Claire Bennet's horrible saxophone playing._

Claire: HEY!

_She continues to fog-horn her way out of the class…_

Claire: Grrr…

_Noah is driving home, he pulls out a hangar from the back of his coat._

Noah: I've been wearing this all day? No wonder my back hurt!

_He chunks it out the window as Lyle skates by, almost getting hit by Sandra's car. Sandra and Muggles are driving…they both honk on their steering wheels._

_Back at the house, Noah pulls in the driveway and gets out. Lyle jumps in, Claire rides her bike past him, Sandra chases him into the garage._

Noah: I thought I told you to not drive the car!

Once inside, the family all rush to the couch just in time for some t.v.

Sandra: It sure is nice spending time as a family.

Noah: I couldn't agree more, dear. And furthermore…

Claire: OH MY GOD! _This isn't our house!_

Noah: WHAT?

Sandra: I thought the curtains looked different.

Lyle: I blame Claire.

Noah: Calm down, there's no reason to panic.

Police: This is the police! We know you broke into that house. Come out so we can shoot you!

Noah: Now we can panic…

Sandra: OH NO!

Claire: What are we going to do!

Lyle: _Previously on Heroes!_

Everyone looks at Lyle.

Lyle: What?...It seemed appropriate….

Previously:

_Zombie Invasion! (Really). Peter teams up with Sylar who is pretending to be good again and Claire to get answers out of Angela Petrelli who can dream the future. This leads ultimately nowhere so Peter steals her power and comes to the solution that he is the cause of this entire zombie mess. He says Mohinder can help. Which he cannot since he got bitten by a zombie himself. Upon arriving Mohinder (now zombified) bites Claire, which has no effect, but Peter and Sylar have to kill her anyway. Meanwhile, with Mohinder out, Niki and Matt run away to seek help from the Haitian, who decides to help them get to the bottom of the mystery. More meanwhile…Daphne and Ando (who just got imprisoned for helping Daphne steal a jewel, which the museum still hasn't bothered to retrieve yet) manage to escape, Hiro is missing again after teleporting somewhere (figures), and they get trapped in a car surrounded by zombies. Then finally, in an effort to get people back on The Company Payroll, Noah visits the mayor's office to re-recruit Elle, who doesn't seem interested. Nathan doesn't care, he just wants lunch. Zombies break in and they run to the safest room in the building: An unventilated, unstocked, un-exiting panic room. We end with them in a Mexican Standoff over the last Hostess Fruit Pie. Heroes continues…NOW!_

-2008-

Standing in a line in a quarantined facility, Caitlin stares out the window. She walks back to her table to eat her dinner. Sitting across the table from her…

Daphne (eyeing her dinner roll): You gonna eat that?

Caitlin (screaming): I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!

Daphne looks around uncomfortably as people stare.

Daphne: Just wanted the dinner roll, spaz…..

Caitlin: Not to worry, Peter will come back to save me….I just know it.

Daphne: Uh…that's nice…..(taking the dinner roll)

Caitlin: You see….I'm from the past. A long, long time ago.

Daphne: Oh, you're crazy.

Caitlin: From the year 2007!

Daphne: You're boring and crazy.

Caitlin: Peter and I just so happened to end up here….he has magic powers.

Daphne: Is that so?

Caitlin: How are you not dead?

Daphne: I'm….quick on my feet…so to speak.

Caitlin: I wish there was a way to get back home.

Daphne: I might know someone…he lives on an island, he may have a cure for this disease.

Caitlin: How are you going to get there?

Daphne: I'm fast. Don't worry about it.

Caitlin: Okay….I'll wait right here.

Daphne zips out of there, across the ocean, to a remote island, she zips back.

-2007-

Peter (in the room where the Shanti Virus is kept): I can destroy this…._I have the technology_.

Nathan: Well, do it already!

Peter: Watch…and be amazed!

Matt: WOW!

Nathan: Matt, he hasn't done anything yet…

Peter covers the virus with his hand, his hands start to shake.

Peter: Voila! I have turned this deadly virus into dust, now I'm just going to dust off my hands.

Nathan: Well, that's the end of that crises.

Matt: Just as long as Sylar doesn't get his powers back. We'd hate to have some _Villains_ on our hands.

Nathan: Oh shut up…

-2008-

Daphne returns from the island, everything is different.

Daphne: I'm….back?

Everyone is marching in a straight line…she walks up to Caitlin.

Daphne: Uh…hey…you.

Caitlin: Ah, Millie! You're back….

Daphne: It's Daphne….and why is everyone alive?

Caitlin: I don't know…it just happened. Tons of people are alive!

Daphne: So….what happened to the virus?

Caitlin: I convinced them to believe I cured them!

Daphne: How did you do that?

Caitlin: That's not important….

A man runs up.

Man: Mistress Caitlin! Your dinner awaits!

Daphne: WHO!

Caitlin: I'm the ruler of Earth! Can't you see that?

Daphne: I was gone for like…20 seconds! You still haven't explained how you got people to believed you cured them.

Caitlin: Does it matter? Chop! Chop! Servants!

Daphne: Well, that's jacked up!

Caitlin: Oooh! Is that the antidote!

Caitlin grabs it from Daphne.

Caitlin: I shall make it into a necklace and wear it as a constant reminder….of me.

Daphne: Oh brother.

Caitlin gets carried away.

Daphne: Hey! Where are you going? What about that one guy! Peter?

Caitlin: Could you look for him for me? Thanks! Ciao!

Daphne: Hmm….maybe I would find some answers…

Daphne runs as fast as she could to run through the barriers of time and space.

-2010 _Retribution Volume_-

Daphne (from 2008) appears…

2008 Daphne: Okay, need to find Peter…..huh?

She picks up the newspaper that reads '2010'.

2008 Daphne: I'm not in 2007….that's weird.

She turns around and bumps into 2010 Daphne.

2010 Daphne: Oh crap! The universe is going to explode!

It doesn't.

Both Daphne's sigh.

2010 Daphne: Who are you?...I mean….you're me…but….

2008 Daphne: I came from the past…I need to look for some guy named Peter….but….for some weird reason…I know who he is.

2010 Daphne: You just came from the past where the Shanti Virus destroyed the world….how do I know that?

2008 Daphne: I guess since we're the same person, maybe our memories fused together or something.

2010 Daphne: It would have made more sense if the universe exploded.

Suddenly 2008 Daphne disappears into thin air.

Daphne: Well, she's gone…that's good. Did that just happen? I met this Caitlin chick and now I have to talk to Peter. I'm sure it's nothing..

Her phone beeps. It's a text message from Micah.

'_Can you help? Hiro brought Dinosaurs into the present.'_

Daphne: I time travelers work is never done!

She runs off.

-_End of Retribution-_

Daphne was sitting in bed….thinking about what Caitlin said…and how she is the President of Earth…

Daphne: How was she the President then and not now? Hmm….I know! I'll go back to 2008!

Daphne runs off…meanwhile Hiro and Ando teleport out of the elevator that is falling in the hospital. The two time travelling sends them both to 2008.

-2008-

Daphne shows up as she witnesses Hiro and Ando getting carried away. She runs into a building and spots Caitlin.

Caitlin: Going to leave me here too, huh? Guards!

The guards open fire as Caitlin takes off.

Daphne: I might need more help with this.

She heads back to 2010, notices the helicopter crash and rescues Peter, she takes off again.

-Between Chapter 1 and 2, Present Day-

Caitlin is running down the hall, screaming. She is being chased by Samson Gray.

Samson: Get back here! You don't realize what you're about to do!

Caitlin: Get away from me you old coot!

Samson: _I am not a coot!_

Caitlin busts into the bathroom, she holds the necklace containing the Shanti Antidote over the toilet.

Samson: Listen, girl….do not…I repeat…do not do that. You will be dooming us all!

Caitlin drops the vial and flushes it.

Samson: Well…._you doomed us all_.

Caitlin: Now what?

Samson: We watch the world die….I hope you're happy!

Caitlin: I am!

Samson: Good.

Caitlin: Great.

Samson: Swell.

Caitlin: Wonderful.

Samson: Fantastic.

Caitlin: Stupendous.

Samson: Uh….uh…..yeah, well, you will never see the light of day again!

Samson slams the door.

Caitlin: …You're locking me in the bathroom!

Samson: Yes.

Caitlin opens the door.

Samson: Should have had locks installed on those.

Caitlin: I'm….going home now.

Samson: -Sigh-….would you like a lift?

Caitlin: Sure.

They both walk away….

= = =Holy Crap! A title sequence! Didn't think we'd ever get to it! HEROES= = =

**Day Five: Toxic**

Peter and Sylar are standing before Claire, who was bit, but it healed. Claire who was a zombie, but it healed. She is tied up to a chair, trying to write out a help message on a nearby Magna-Doodle on the floor (obviously Matt's). However, the message gets turned into:

_Chapter Six 'Seven Days Part 2'_

Claire: Damn toy!

Sylar: She has to die, Peter.

Claire: Sylar, I can totally hear you! Can you try not being so rude for 5 seconds?

Peter: But I've tried all these _butter knives!_ Nothing is working!

Sylar: I'll think of something….you interrogate her.

Claire: For what?

Peter pulls out a gun.

Claire: Peter, you know my dad will be super peeved if you shoot me. And you'll so not be invited to my birthday party next year.

Peter: I only have one bullet Claire….and it has your name on it.

Peter takes out the bullet.

Peter: Seriously….I etched the word 'Claire' in there….it took like, six months.

Claire: Before all of this?...GASP!...We're you planning to shoot me for a while now?

Sylar: You are kind of annoying with your "I'm so pretty! Everybody loves me! My teeth are just beautiful! Cheering is fun!"

Claire: I do say that a lot….

Meanwhile, a car pulls off to the side. Niki, Matt, and the Haitian get out to find Daphne and Ando kidnapped by zombies, and tied up.

Matt: Since when do zombies tie people up instead of eating them?

Niki: That's a good question….I'll pretend the Haitian asked it.

Matt: Hey! I'm mad!

Niki: -Ahem-

The Haitian wipes Matt's memory.

Matt: I'm not mad anymore!

Niki rolls her eyes.

Niki: We need to rescue them.

Matt: And I just know how to do it….I'll be right back.

Matt runs off.

Haitian: Shall we assume the worst?

Niki: You haven't been already? Pretty brave….

Meanwhile, while stuck in the safe room. Elle fires off electricity at both Noah and Nathan to scoot them back.

Noah and Nathan: AHH!

Elle swipes the pie and runs to a corner. Nathan and Noah pull out their guns.

Elle: Uh oh….whatever will I do? Oh, I KNOW!

She forms an electric barrier around her body.

Nathan: Crap…didn't know she could do that.

Noah: She did that at last year's company picnic during the dodge ball game….it was our one and only dodge ball.

Nathan: Elle! I order you to come out of there.

Elle: You're not my dad!

Nathan: Actually…(dramatic closeup)…._I Am…._

Elle: No you're not! I have a pretty nose…

Noah: What, are you everybody's father on this show!

Nathan: Shut up….wait….._What did she say about my nose!_

Elle: Okay….here's the deal…You two….duel.

Nathan: Duel?

Elle: Two guns, one bullet each. 10 paces. The winner gets.._me_!…EW!.._that sounded bad_…..gets me to work for them….that's better, I think.

Noah: What about the pie!

Elle: UGH! And the stupid pie….

Noah and Nathan exchange looks.

Meanwhile….

Claire: Peter, you never did explain why you think the zombie invasion is your fault.

Peter: It was…an awful dream I had….a long, long, time ago.

Claire: What…one or two days?

Peter: It went like this….

-Peter's Dream-

Peter was standing on the edge of the Deveaux Rooftop. Overlooking a city in ruins, caused by the zombie outbreak. Someone runs up and pushes Peter off the ledge! SPLAT!

-Fin-

Claire: Uh…that doesn't explain anything!

Peter: Huh?

Claire: It doesn't explain how _you caused the incident_. It just means someone wants you dead.

Peter: That's a relief.

Claire: And I think it's a _certain someone 'pretending to be good'_.

Peter: Whatever, Claire! I've been good all year! And if Santa doesn't pony up and get me something good I'll eat lots of candy and get really fat so the next year I sit on his lap _I'll break his legs!_

Claire (pissed): _I'm talking about Sylar, you meat head!_

Peter: Oh.

Outside, a car pulls up. The driver is Samson Gray.

Meanwhile, Matt runs back to Niki and The Haitian.

Niki: What do you got?

Matt: Watch.

Matt lifts his arms out and starts to walk.

Niki: What the hell?

Matt: Blargh! I'm a zooommmmbie! I'll steal all your booty and make you walk the plank….oh wait, those are Pirates!

Matt gets tackled by zombies.

Matt: EEEK!

Niki: He left 30 minutes _for that?_

Haitian: Rehearsing I guess.

Niki: Well, that was awful. Let me show you how it's done.

Niki props up a stereo and hits 'Play'. She hops out as the music starts to play Michael Jackson's _Thriller_.

Niki holds her arms out, the zombies look at her.

Niki: Oh crap! _I forgot the Thriller dance!_

The zombies go after her.

Niki: RUN!

Matt: That what you get for not rehearsing…AHH! Don't eat me!

The Haitian finds a gun and shoots at the zombie.

Matt: You missed!...

Matt gets up and hauls to the center where Daphne and Ando are tied up.

Ando: Thank goodness it's you guys!

Matt: Where's Hiro?

Ando: Who knows….

Matt: Come on…let's get to the car.

Niki outruns the zombies and jumps in, everyone else hops into the car and they drive off.

Samson walks up and leaves tries to leave a note mysteriously for the residents of the mansion. He sticks his hand through the slot and drops the letter.

Peter (inside): YAY! MAIL!

Samson is startled and gets his hand stuck in the slot.

Peter: Uh…what's with the hand. Are you that hand thing from 'The Addams Family'.

Samson: …..

Peter: Nah…this hand is much too old, wrinkly, and bony.

Samson: Grr…

Peter: If you are a real person…give me a sign.

Samson makes this sign _with one finger_.

Peter: HOW RUDE!

Peter opens the door and Samson falls in.

Peter: Oh it's just Sylar's dad….SY-

Samson clamps his hand over Peter's mouth.

Samson: Quiet, you nincompoop! Me and my son are on non-speaking terms…so to speak.

Peter (mouth still clasped): How did you get your hand unstuck?...By the way your hand smells old.

Samson: Nevermind that….you have a very important mission to attend to….read this letter. Save the world.

Peter: What about the cheerleader?

Samson: Forget the cheerleader!

Peter: We can do that…?

Samson: I must go….

Sylar (walking up): YOU!

Samson: Goodbye, son! For this meeting never happened.

Peter: What does that mean?

Samson throws down something and disappears in a cloud of smoke.

POOF!

Peter: Cough!

Sylar: Hack!

Peter and Sylar look outside to find Samson trying to start his car, but no luck.

**Day Six: Breaking The Surface**

Noah and Nathan are standing back to back.

Elle: Okay, take ten paces, then turn around and shoot. The whoever lives, wins!

Nathan: Isn't there an easier way to do this?...I think there's a _Monopoly: Fresh Prince Of Bel Air_ edition over there.

Elle: This contest isn't going to do any good if we're all dead from old age. Move it along.

Noah and Nathan start pacing.

1….

2…..

3….

Noah: It's not too late to back down, Petrelli.

Nathan: She deserves a decent paying job, she's staying with me.

4…

5….

6…

Noah: There are more important things in the world than cutting the grand opening ribbon to Pauly's Pancake Palace…

Nathan: You can't deny their pancakes are to die for..

7….

8….

9….

Noah: Nathan.

Nathan: Yes Noah.

Noah: If I don't make it out alive….can you….

Nathan: Claire?

Noah: Yes….make sure someone takes good care of her.

Nathan: Uh….what about me?

Noah: Uh….no…..thanks though.

Nathan: I really don't think it's your decision!

Noah: It kinda is.

Nathan: No it's not!

Noah: I raised her. So it is!

Elle: Will you two ladies shoot each other already!

They both fire, Noah misses….Nathan doesn't.

Elle: Holy crap!

Nathan: Oh my god….Noah, it was an accident.

Noah: That's okay….there's not that much…well….okay, that's a lot of blood.

Elle: I didn't think you were going to do it! Nathan, how could you shoot Noah!

Nathan: That was the stipulation! I was going to miss though…but….I forgot?...I don't know.

Nathan gets another look at Elle's face, _which is covered in cherry pie_.

Elle: Yeah, _somebody ate the pie_.

A car zooms by.

Matt and Daphne are in the back seat, they exchange looks.

Matt: Daphne.

Daphne: …Parkman.

Matt: Good to see you are doing well.

Daphne: I'm glad I'm doing well as well.

Niki: Do you two know each other or something.

Matt: Something like that.

Daphne: Yes…something like that.

Niki: Whatever.

Ando: So…where are we headed?

Matt: How about the police station! I can get us some good guns to fight off the zombies.

Niki: We might not have a choice. Good idea, Haitian.

Haitian: I didn't say anything.

Niki: Good idea, Peter.

Matt: He's not even here! UGH!

Meanwhile..

Claire: We have to do what now?

Peter: I read this letter by Sylar's dad.

Sylar: He's not my dad! He's….

Claire: Save it for Oprah, Sylar. Peter, the letter.

Peter: Apparently they came up with a cure to the Shanti Virus….

Claire: That season 2 thing?….Why is that coming up now?

Peter: I left Caitlin, a girl I met in Ireland, in the future where the Shanti Virus destroyed the world. Someone found a cure, at the same time I destroyed the virus. That future wasn't supposed to exist but someone from the past was still there and it kinda split the timeframe in two. Anyway, Daphne and I were in that 2008 alternate timeline to rescue Hiro and Ando…and her. Daphne said she was safe but according to this letter, she still had the antidote and flushed it down the toilet. It got into the water supply and everyone who drank the water becomes a zombie.

Claire: So this antidote…cures the Shanti Virus….but turns you into a zombie.

Peter: No…if you take it and you have the virus, it heals you. If you just take it and there's nothing wrong with you…you….go zombie.

Claire: That's….really…I'm not surprised anymore.

Peter: Apparently Micah Sanders can get us past the security of the water treatment facility. He may have a solution.

Claire: Yeah…._he's a part of my group_.

Sylar: Uh…huh….

Claire: Shut up, Sylar.

Elle: What are we going to do?

Nathan: I don't know….there's no medical kits down here.

Elle: There's no air, no exit, no food or water. But you have the Monopoly: Fresh Prince edition! What is wrong with you.

Nathan: Nobody makes fun of the fresh prince…..My gun's out of bullets.

Elle: We're you just about to shoot me? That so rude!

Noah: Medical attention would be just nice…..

Nathan: I know who we can call.

Nathan runs to the bathroom.

Elle: Uh….

Elle follows him.

Nathan: Did you just follow me to the bathroom?

Elle: What are you doing?

Nathan: I know who can help us.

Elle: Who?

Nathan: Tracy Strauss.

Elle: Huh?

Nathan: She can come to us…grab Noah, and take him to the hospital.

Elle: How does she get in here.

Nathan: Tracy has a water and ice abilities thus she can travel through the city's pipes. All I have to do _is flush this toilet 3 times to call her_.

Elle: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Nathan flushes the toilet….he flushes it again….he flushes it again.

Elle: _Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! _

Nathan: DAMMIT ELLE! If you're not going to take this seriously then go away!

Elle: How can I? You summon help by flushing a toilet. Is that only toilet that can do that?

Nathan: Well….anybody's can, really…

Elle: I'm so trying that when I get home.

Water begins to rise out of the toilet bowl. Tracy appears!

Tracy: Did you call?

Elle: This is too much…

Nathan: Yes, Tracy. I need your help. Noah has been shot and needs medical attention, that and we're trapped.

Elle: By Nathan!

Nathan: Shut up.

Tracy: Don't worry….I got this under control!

Tracy steps out of the toilet and grabs Noah.

Elle: Dude, she's totally getting toilet water all over your unsafe panic room!

Nathan: Ugh….

Tracy, carrying Noah, climbs back into the toilet. They both turn into water.

Tracy: Could you give me a lift?

Nathan flushes.

Elle: She's the _I Dream Of Jeannie Of Johns…_

Nathan: Why aren't you shutting up…?

Elle: She could have taken us with her.

Nathan: Yeah….she could have.

Elle: Let's summon her again!

FLUSH!

Matt and the others bust into the police department.

Cop: Oh boy, look, it's Parkman.

Matt: Evening, gentlemen. I'll take all your finest guns! We have zombies to deal with here.

Later, after everyone got kicked out.

Niki: Genius plan, Matt.

Matt: Oh, now it's my idea when it doesn't work….

Daphne walks up.

Niki: Where did you come from?

Daphne: The car…where all the guns are at.

Ando: Oh, you just swiped all the guns. Clever!

Daphne: Let's go save the town…

Everybody hops into the car and drives off.

Matt: Did we need this many guns?

Daphne: I'm sure they won't need them.

Radio: The police officials have learned of a robbery taking place at the New York Bank Of Money. The local police are instructed to bring their best weapons since the suspect is armed and dangerous.

Daphne: Oops! (Turns off radio)

**Day 7: Cleansing**

Later, at the hospital, Nathan and Elle are finally there.

Nathan: You know, Elle, you should go back to work for The Company.

Elle: But…with you…the pay is better, and you have benefits, and better hours, and non-life threatening work, and a boss that doesn't make you tape over a video of your birth just to catch last night's episode of _Keeping Up With The Kardashians!_

Nathan: Yeah, but Noah's right. I'm just the mayor…I look over things that are just local, and nothing as big as saving the world. That's your job. You're supposed to be out there frying bad guys…not pushing papers.

Elle: I actually fry the papers….so I do have the best of both worlds.

Nathan: Noah needs you more than I do.

Elle: Yeah…I kinda miss being in the action anyway. Thanks for the break though.

Nathan: Anytime.

Elle: Who will you ever get to replace me?

Nathan: I could never replace you, Elle.

Elle: Good answer.

Tracy: Noah is going to be fine.

Nathan: Hey, Tracy, _want to be my new secretary?_

Tracy: Okay.

Nathan: You start Monday.

Nathan turns back to Elle, getting her hands ready to zap.

Nathan: I guess I'm glad to be at the hospital already…

Peter knocks on the door…Micah answers.

Micah: Hey guys, come on in.

Claire: Why isn't he living with Niki and the others at that haunted house…or Molly? Just asking.

Micah: Samson told me you guys were coming.

Sylar: HISS!

Peter: What do you know?

Micah: Well, I know that Claire was supposedly bit and wasn't affected by the zombie outbreak.

Sylar: YET!

Micah: So I'm thinking her blood may help.

Sylar: Which means?

Micah: Well, we don't have the time or manpower to inject each individual with blood, it's also very stupid.

Claire: Agreed.

Micah: So…I was thinking we could dump Claire's blood into the water supply, spray it on the zombies, and their blood will give them a good enough fix to cure the zombification.

Sylar: Claire's blood in the water? Gross.

Claire: Coming from a man whose been trying to lop off my scalp for 4 years now, you picked a fine time to get squeamish.

Peter: Let's do it.

Claire: WHAT?

At the treatment plant.

Claire: This scientifically doesn't make any sense whatsoever!

Micah: Okay, according to my calculations. We just need to dump Claire's blood into this hatch, it will go straight into the pipes. It should wear off in a few days of filtering.

Claire: So how much are we talking?

Micah: Well, if we want to cover all the infected in the city…..40 Gallons.

Claire: _40 Gallons!_ I don't have that much!

Micah: Hmm….then this might take us longer….oh well, we'll use what we can.

Outside, Niki, Matt, Ando, Daphne and The Haitian are walking down the street, loaded with weapons.

Haitian: I'm not so sure about this.

Matt: Fire on the count of one!

BOOM!

Matt: Who shot that?

Niki: You idiot…count to three like normal people.

Niki's phone rings. She answers it.

Niki: Micah?

Micah: Hey mom, I can see you guys through the street security cameras. Zombies are about to attack you.

Niki: We know, we're about to shoot them.

Micah: Don't do that! Shoot the fire hydrants.

Niki: What would that do?

Micah: We thought of a solution….we need to spray them with water.

Niki: Okay…if you say so. Where are you?

Micah: I'm with Peter.

Niki: What?

Micah: Sylar.

Niki: WHAT!

Micah: Claire?

Niki: Okay, that's a little better.

Claire: Getting woozy here….

Niki: Just be careful…in case Sylar turns evil again.

She hangs up.

Niki: Aim for the fire hydrants!

Matt: What?

Niki: Fire!

They shoot the hydrants, the water sprays onto the zombies. Now they're wet….and still want brains.

Matt: That didn't work.

Niki: DUH!

Niki calls Micah.

Micah: Uh…hi mom.

Niki: Sweetheart, the zombies are still alive.

Micah: I see that…..uh…..hmm….okay, I'm fresh out of ideas.

Hiro: I know what to do…

Peter: AHH! Where did you come from?

Hiro: Peter, I have to…..Sylar?

Claire (on the floor): He's good now….

Hiro: Ah….Peter…this is all your fault.

Peter: I knew it!

Hiro: I know this goes against my moral standards, but you must change the past.

Micah: I thought you weren't supposed to change the past just because you don't like the future.

Hiro: This is different, Micah. We must change the past because we don't like the future.

Micah: I JUST SAID THAT!

Hiro: Changing the past for our own personal gain, is wrong. Changing the past because it is wrong, can help us with our personal gain in the future.

Micah: I'm confused.

Hiro: I think you know what you need to do, Peter Petrelli.

Peter: Yes, I know what to do.

Peter absorbs Hiro's ability, he disappears.

Sylar: Uh…..Now what?

Hiro: We wait.

-2007-

Peter appears outside of the Irish Pub, he walks inside and grabs a menu, obscuring his face. _Elle is about to fry Caitlin's brother, Ricky_.

Elle: There you are!

Peter: Uh oh.

Elle shoots electricity at him and Peter teleports to the other side of the pub, he grabs Ricky and they escape.

Elle: Damn!...

Later, Peter looks at 2007 Peter and Caitlin talking.

Caitlin: I appreciate you saving my brother from that electric girl.

Peter: I did?

(Present Peter): Crap…

Caitlin: Yeah. You don't remember?

Peter: I guess not. Oh well. Hey, were you going to come with me to Montreal so we can find out who I really am since I forgot everything after Season 1?

Caitlin: I better stay by Ricky's side, just to make sure he's okay. You go see what you can find there in Montreal and let me know.

(Present Peter): Well, Caitlin didn't go with me to Montreal, which meant she didn't get trapped in the future, which meant I pretty much undid the events of the first part of this volume. Oh well, Caitlin is safe, _I'm sure both her fans will be pleased_. My work is done!

Peter teleports out of there…..

Mohinder (Monologue): _You cannot change the past, for a future of personal gain. But to save the world? It perhaps was the right decision..but each decision…will always have its consequences….BRAAAINNS!_

Niki: DAMMIT MOHINDER! You're not a zombie anymore…

Mohinder: Oh…

Peter is out eating dinner with Nathan, Noah, and Claire.

Peter: Glad to see you're not dead, Mr. Bennet.

Noah: Yeah. No thanks to our Mayor here.

Nathan: Can I ask something?

Peter: Sure.

Nathan: What were the seven days for?

Peter: Huh?

Nathan: Well, all these cryptic messages were for 'Seven Days'. What happens after seven days?

Peter: The Zombie Invasion happens.

Nathan: But that was _during_ the invasion…what happens after the seventh day.

Peter: Everything goes back to normal!

Nathan: So….these crazy messages were only fortelling _our success?_

Peter: Yeah!

Nathan: That's stupid!

Claire: I'm lost….you changed the past, right?

Peter: Yup.

Claire: But, I still remember everything. It's just that it went back to normal. Technically we shouldn't have remembered anything about the zombies.

Peter: Life is full of so many mysteries, Claire….Just better to sit back and enjoy the ride.

Noah: What's up with that ring?

Peter looks at the ring on his finger…then another look.

Peter: Where the hell did this come from?

Caitlin walks into the diner.

Caitlin: I hope you're ready for our wedding, future Husband!

Nathan, Noah, and Claire's mouths drop at once. A bird flies into Claire's mouth.

Claire: PFFF! PHLEH!...Guh…YUCK! Why does that keep happening!

Caitlin pecks Peter on the cheek and walks out, Peter is as white as a ghost.

Nathan: Uh…

Peter: I don't remember proposing to her…

Claire: We sure as hell don't…

Noah: Maybe changing the course of history, you and Caitlin ended up together.

Nathan: Surely you would remember that.

Peter: I guess we're going to a wedding….

Claire: You can't be serious, Peter.

Peter: I already feel bad enough that I left her in the past, I can't do this.

Nathan: But you corrected that mistake…so you shouldn't have to worry about it….right?

Peter: I'm off to try on tuxedos…

Peter walks off.

Claire: We're going to stop this..right?

Noah: I….guess so?

Claire: …..We have to stop this from happening. What else is going to go wrong.

Back in the room with the portraits….the first one catches fire and burns up. The next picture shows a tidal wave hitting a hotel resort.

_To Be Continued_…


	7. A Wedding To Forget

The Heroes Parody Project (3)

_Disclaimer: This fan fiction is based of the NBC television show, 'Heroes'. Heroes is copyright Tim Kring, NBC, and the rest. I am not nor do I represent any of the cast or crew involved with the show and it is written solely for entertainment purposes only, that and it gives the author something to do while trying on his new summer swim trunks. A perfect fit! Ooh, A penny! (RIIIIP!)….Okay, they don't fit after all…_

Matt walks into the kitchen, Niki is fixing her hair.

Matt: Hey Niki, nice costume.

Niki: Thanks. We should have these costume parties more often. I'm going as _Lady Gaga_.

Matt: I was wondering why your dress was made out of bags of _Doritos_.

Niki: Who are you going as?

Matt: _The Situation_…

Niki: Who!

Matt: The Situation! You know, the guy from _Jersey Shore_ who lifts his shirt up all the time. Check out _these_ _washboard abs._

Matt flashes Niki.

Niki: Wow, Matt that's interesting…excuse me.

Niki puts her head in the sink and flips the garbage disposal switch on.

Matt: Holy crap! Are those _full bags of Doritos on your dress?_ That's awesome!

Matt peels one off.

Niki: Did you just pull off _what I think you pulled off? AHH! YOU DID!_

Niki covers herself.

Matt: Uh…._wardrobe malfunction?_

Niki: UGH! Matt, that joke is six years old! Get with the program…

Mohinder walks in, Matt is holding a bag of chips; Niki is covering up the hole in her dress, trying not to expose yourself.

Mohinder: ….

Mohinder walks up and swipes a bag of '_Cooler Ranch'_ and walks away.

Niki: HEY!

Matt: Munch! Munch!..._Previously On Heroes_….Munch! Munch!

_The seven days has ended (which foretold only Peter stopping the invasion and nothing else…which kinda makes no sense). He accomplished this buy going into the past, rescuing Caitlin's brother, thus prompting her to stay behind while Peter gets warped into the whole Shanti Virus mess. History alters upon his return to 2010, everyone remembers everything though it never happened, though nobody expected that Caitlin and Peter were engaged, a new event that nobody remembers. Elle goes back to Noah and the Company, Tracy takes her job. Niki and the others attempted to stop the zombies with guns, which wouldn't have worked, while Claire and the others tried to stop them with her blood mixed with water…which obviously didn't work. So Peter saves the day, a wedding nobody knows about is underway, and the next disaster is happening very soon._

Claire walks up the door of Peter's apartment. She knocks. Peter answers.

Peter: You're not the pizza person!

Claire: Peter! What do you think you're doing?

Peter: Waiting..for pizza?

Claire: I'm talking about the wedding! You're going to marry someone you don't even remember proposing to? That's bad! That only happens in Vegas!

Peter: It could have for all I know. Caitlin and I kinda hit if off back in Season 2…then I altered history…I guess we just continued the relationship now that I didn't leave her trapped in a post apocalyptic future. I just don't remember…

Claire: Well, it's wrong to lead her under false pretenses. You need to break it off.

Peter: I don't know….Listen, I got someone on the other line…

Claire: WHAT?

Peter: I'll have to talk to you later, bye Claire…

Peter closes the door.

Claire: That only works on phones, Peter! UGH!

She storms off.

Matt and Mohinder arrive in front of Niki's house.

Niki: That's right! MY house! No unpaid apartment, no Peter's apartment, no haunted mansion, MY HOUSE!

Matt and Mohinder pick up their luggages.

Niki: Now, I hope you realize that this will be a temporary thing. DL is getting out of prison this week and Micah needs to finally live somewhere just so we don't have any loose plot holes and then you two will have to go away. It's a family thing.

Mohinder: That's pretty crappy seeing how I brought you into my place and have been living there for several years.

Niki: Good point, Mohinder, you can stay.

Matt: What about me!

Niki: I suppose you can stay, but you'll be our full time butler.

Matt: I love butlering!

Niki: Ugh…Just get your crap inside.

Matt: What would Mohinder be doing?

Niki: He'll be the cook.

Matt: But his cooking sucks!

Mohinder: HEY!

Niki: _I didn't say we were going to eat it_…

Mohinder: I can still hear you two!

Inside…

Matt: So…where is our deluxe Suite?

Upstairs…

Mohinder: The Attic?

Niki: Yes, I don't need 3 men running around the house. The neighbors will think I'm a tramp.

Matt: _There's a first time for everything I guess!_

Niki punches Matt in the gut.

Matt: OOF!

Niki pulls the string into the attic, the stairs come down.

Niki: Okay, then. Head on up there and get settled. Try doing some clean up while you are up there…

Mohinder: How is there cleanup? It's a brand new house.

Niki: Well, it's just boards and extra asbestos lying around. I'll be back to bring you boys a nice, cool glass of Mineral Water.

Matt: Yuck!

Meanwhile, Nathan, The Mayor, is doing some work on his desk.

Nathan: I hate Soduko puzzles…

Tracy (Nathan's secretary): It's…Sudoku.

Nathan: Tracy. You scared the crap out of me. Why are you here?

Tracy: There are reporters outside wanting to question you about your brother's wedding.

Nathan: Don't want to have anything to do with it.

Tracy: The wedding or the reporters?

Nathan: Both.

Tracy: They've been out there for a while; you should probably make a speech.

Nathan: They have. You're just now telling me this?

Tracy: I've been telling you for an hour. You keep playing that one sudoku puzzle. You know you are supposed to put _numbers _in those boxes. Not letters.

Nathan: I was! ARRGH!

Nathan crumples it up and tosses it. He leaves his office.

Reporter: Mayor Petrelli! Any word on Peter's wedding!

Reporter: Mayor! Will you be attending the wedding?

Nathan: I can't help but to find it creepy that they talk to me like they are family or something.

Tracy: They kinda are….the bloodsucking kind. But they're family….

Nathan: I have not decided if I am going.

Tracy: Sir, these reports say you have to go or your numbers will drop.

Nathan: What numbers? I keep getting that threat. Voters? I just got put in office several volumes ago.

Tracy: It's time for another election soon. You should win the people's trust.

Nathan: By going to a wedding? What's wrong with these people?

A lot of commotion is made outside.

Nathan: Now what?

Nathan walks over to the window to see a horse drawn carriage pull outside the building. _Angela Petrelli steps out_.

Nathan: Oh great, now the rest of my week is ruined. I hope you stupid reporters are happy!

Meanwhile, Peter opens the door to find Claire.

Claire: I wanted to see if you'd reconsider.

Peter: You've only been gone for 5 minutes.

Claire: So….is that a yes?

Peter: No. I've made up my mind. I am going to marry this woman who I have no recollection of actually proposing to her.

Claire: If you're not going to stop this wedding…._I will_.

Peter: Hey, that's interesting…Can you be Caitlin's best woman or something?

Claire: I beg your pardon?

Peter: She doesn't have any friends or relatives to do the job…and Ricky would look weird in a bridesmaid's dress….Bridesmaid! That's what they're called.

Claire (eyeroll): It's Maid Of Honor….

Peter: Well, you'll have to talk to Caitlin if you want a promotion. But this wedding is on!

Claire: Fine. But I'm not giving up on this. Just you wait…

Peter: Okay, see you at the wedding! Later!

Claire: This looks like a job for _The Next Generation Of Heroes!_...

She puts a ring on her finger and raises it up into the air.

Claire: UNITE!

Claire looks down at a squirrel giving her a dirty look.

Claire: I really need to start doing more research on these things before I invest in them.

Claire walks away. Getting the feeling someone is watching her. Someone is.

Claire: Such horrible sentence fragments…

= = =Take the world for a spin. Great, you wrecked it. Dad is gonna be mad…..HEROES= = =

Angela is arguing with Nathan in his office. She walks up to one of his filing cabinets and writes letters in the collection of dust on the top with her finger:

_Chapter Seven 'A Wedding To Forget'_

Angela: Repulsive.

Nathan: Why are you here, ma?

Angela: Can't a mother visit her son and punish him for missing his brother's wedding?

Nathan: A) The wedding has to be a scam. B) Peter didn't even know he was getting married. C) How did you find out so quickly?

Angela: I have connections…

Flashback to the diner…

Caitlin: We're getting married!

Peter: Uh….we are?

Nathan, Noah, and Claire are shocked. Outside of the diner, Angela places a glass next to her ear and leans up against the _window_ to snoop.

Claire: Is that Angela?

Nathan (back to eating): Ignore her.

Flash…forward?

Nathan: I should have known.

Angela: Your brother is getting married; I demand that you be there!

Nathan: I wasn't invited…because nobody knows about it…except for Caitlin. Don't you find that odd?

Angela: You're also going to be his best man.

Nathan: Why?

Angela: Well, you could be Caitlin's maid of honor, but you'd look silly in a dress…though you didn't when you were little…

Nathan: WHAT?

Angela: Nothing! Gotta go! Be sure to buy gifts!

Nathan: Why would I buy a gift? Only an idiot would get excited about a wedding that you knew nothing about!

Elle: EEEEEEEE!

Meanwhile at the Company…

Elle: EEEEEEE!

Noah feels his ears.

Noah: Is that blood?

Elle: We're going to a wedding?

Noah: Yes…

Elle: I can't wait! I love going to weddings that I know nothing about!

Noah: Why?...What's wrong with you?

Elle: We go there….we pretend to mingle….we get free food….hook up with any hot relatives….

Noah: ….Uh…..are there any _Petrelli's_ you are after?

Elle: Huh?

Noah: It's Peter's wedding, you dolt…

Elle: Oh…..but….we know him.

Noah: Yes….we were invited….sort of….

Elle: Oh, well that's no fun. But we still have to get a gift!

Noah: Seriously…..?

Elle: Now we can go to _Wal-Mart!_ Oh…Wal-Mart!..._Swoon!_

Noah: Why are you so excited to go there…..nobody likes going to Wal-Mart….

Noah yawns.

Elle: Oh, here's your coffee….brand new boss.

Noah: Thanks….

Noah takes a drink and spits it out.

Elle: Something wrong?

Noah: This cup is filled with coffee beans!

Elle: Yeah, the coffee maker is shot. I was thinking we could get a new one while getting Peter's present.

Noah: Groan…

Meanwhile, Peter is trying on his tuxedo.

SWOOOOSH!

Peter: Holy crap!...Oh….

It's Daphne.

Peter: Daphne! Hey, what's going on?

Daphne: I heard the big news….congratulations.

Peter: On my wedding.

Daphne: Uh no…for saving the world from that whole zombie thing. When did this marriage thing come up?

Peter: I don't know.

Daphne: How long have you been engaged?

Peter: I don't know.

Daphne: Do you know who you are marrying.

Peter: Yes…Caitlin!

Daphne: I'm not going to ask how that happened.

Peter: Well, you see…

Daphne: Anyway…look at the time. Gotta go…..Oh, I was going to tell you that the first portrait burned up. A tidal wave is the next disaster…so keep your eyes peeled.

Peter: Got it!

Daphne zooms away.

Claire is sitting in the middle of the situation room at The Next Generation HQ.

Claire: Is this supposed to be my captain's chair!

Micah: Yes?

Claire: It's just a broken toilet….with no lever! This is just insulting.

Micah: I've been trying to look up news about Peter's wedding and I haven't come up with anything. Nobody knew about this wedding except for the bride.

Claire: Interesting…..

The phone rings.

Claire: Next Generation!...Lyle?

Lyle: Hey Claire, Cough. I'm sick.

Claire: Whatever! Get in here. We have missions to do.

Lyle: I don't have any stupid powers anyway, that crazy old lady you hang out with is off her rocker.

Claire: That crazy old lady is your step…second…grandmother….in law…once removed?...I don't know….She is crazy though. Just get in here.

Lyle: I can't. American Idol is on.

Claire: It's over for the season.

Lyle: I have to walk Muggles.

Claire: He has the flu.

Lyle: …I stepped on a toothpick?

Claire: Don't make me come get you.

Lyle: Really, Claire, I did. It went straight through my toe!

Claire: Worthless!

Claire hangs up.

Claire: Monica!

Monica: Yeah, Claire?

Claire: We have some investigation work to do.

Meanwhile, in Niki's Attic…

Matt (lying in his bed): ….Mohinder?

Mohinder (trying to sleep in his bed): What, Matt?

Matt: Do you think there's life on other planets?

Mohinder: I'm not sure. If there was…it would be _extraordinary_. Now go to bed.

Matt: ….Mohinder?

Mohinder: What?

Matt: Why do you think Niki hangs out with us?

Mohinder: Because it's in her contract. That and she'd probably get killed if she hung out with anyone else in the cast. Go to bed…

Matt: Ah…..Mohinder?

Mohinder (annoyed): …What?

Matt: What's the craziest thing you've ever done for a Klondike bar?

Mohinder: I stole one from a Wal-Greens. Now go to bed.

Matt: Really?…That's not very creative.

Mohinder: Well….maybe not, but….at least I got one….UGH! _Why am I having this conversation with you?_! Go to bed!

Matt: …..Mohinder?

Mohinder: WHAT?

Matt: Do you think we'll be friends forever?

Mohinder: Matt…..you know you don't have to ask that…._We were never friends_. Now go to bed or you will suffer a slow and painful death!

Matt turns off the light.

Mohinder: …Matt?

Matt: Yes, Mohinder?

Mohinder: …._What time is it?_

Matt: _2 in the afternoon_.

Mohinder: …..unbelievable….

Meanwhile, at Wal-Mart!

Elle: I LOVE WAL-MART!

Noah: You're nuts!

Elle: All the bargains, all the items! They have everything!

Noah: Go get your gift and meet me in line.

Later…

Noah: Oh my god! There are a hundred people in this line.

Noah looks at Elle.

Noah: Why are you holding two coffee pots?

Elle: We needed one….so then I thought 'This would be the perfect present for Peter and Helga!'. So I bought another.

Noah: Her name is Caitlin.

Elle: I like Helga better.

Noah: There is ONE check out person….and it looks like a child!

Check Out Girl (to customer): HI! I'm 5 years old! Welcome to the mall!

Guy: Aren't you a little young to be working here?

Girl: Actually, my big sister went on break! So she's letting me take over until she gets back.

Guy: That's…nice?

Girl: Do you like Barney? I love Barney!

Guy: Uh…

Girl: But the show has lost some of its appeal over the years. You can obviously tell that there is a different actor in that suit.

Guy: You know he's not real?

Girl: Please. I'm not 3!

Guy: This is too awkward….

Noah: Groan….

Nathan is walking in the park; he meets Peter at a bench.

Peter: Mom tells me you want nothing to do with the wedding.

Nathan: How did she tell you so fast?

Peter: She had your conversation on speakerphone.

Nathan: That witch!

Peter: It's cool if you don't want to be my man of honor.

Nathan: It's Maid of honor…NO! Best Man….god, you people are screwing me up…

Peter: I just wanted to make sure you didn't change your mind.

Nathan: Peter, you didn't know anything about this wedding. None of us did. Caitlin is the only one who knows about it. Don't you find that strange?

Peter: It's entirely possible. The time travelling altered history and I just forgot.

Nathan: But _we_ _wouldn't_. You should think about this because it sounds fishy.

Peter: Okay, if that is your final word on the matter.

Nathan: Yeah. It is.

Nathan leaves.

Peter: You still have to get me a present.

Nathan: Dammit!

Peter gets on his phone.

Claire (answering): Yeah.

Peter: Claire, you have to do double duty.

Claire: Huh?

Peter: You'll be the man and woman of honor since Nathan isn't coming. Okay, bye.

Claire: What the?

Noah: Are we dead?

Elle: No, silly! We're still in line at Wal-Mart…(Swooning) _WAL-MART!_

Noah: Shut up…did we even move?

Elle: A little.

Noah: Why is that 5 year old still checking out people?

Elle: I didn't think she was.

Noah: UGH!

DL and Niki are eating lunch.

DL: So…you like the house.

Niki: It is very nice. By the way, I hope you don't mind if Matt and Mohinder live in the attic do you?

DL: Just as long as one cooks and the other butlers….

Niki: Already done.

DL: Well, it's good to have some time off. I don't have to go back to prison until next week!

Niki: That's….odd. Oh well, it's nice not running around looking for a place to stay.

DL: And Micah having a place to live. What? You lived at 3 different places and it hardly seemed Micah was there…

Niki: Uh….stifle it on the plot holes…._they could be listening_.

The NBC Peacock sharpens its talons.

DL: Ah….Oh….you going to the wedding?

Niki: Yeah, right. After my run in with _ghosts almost making me marry Matt last volume_, I don't want to be anywhere near a wedding again.

DL: Understandable.

Someone knocks on Peter's door.

Peter: If it's Claire….I'm gonna….scream or something.

Peter opens the door.

Caitlin: Darling!

Peter: Hey….you!

Caitlin: I hope you didn't forget about the wedding!

Peter: HA!...HA!

Caitlin: ….

Peter: Never…..

Caitlin: That's good. You know how we've been talking about where we could get married?

Peter: No….I mean….yes?

Caitlin: There was the church….then Vegas….then Krispy Kreme….but I was thinking this place!

She holds up a flyer.

Peter: What the hell is _Bongo Island!_

Caitlin: It's the hottest and brightest beach resort.

Peter: Where is it?

Caitlin: Our flight leaves tomorrow morning! I hope you're ready to be a married couple!

Peter: That's a weird thing to say…

Noah: FINALLY!

Noah and Elle reach the check out stand.

Girl: HI! I'm…

Noah: Five years old. You love Barney. Can you check us out?

Girl: Check? You? Out?...I don't get it?

Noah: Didn't your sister teach you how to work the register.

Girl: Nope!

Elle: How have you been checking people out?

Girl: I just talk to them and they walk away.

Noah (eyeroll): Shocking?

Girl: Well, it's time for my break.

She runs off.

Noah: I always knew I was going to die in a Wal-Mart.

Meanwhile…

Woman: I'm so happy Caitlin is getting married. Ever since we were little I always feared she'd get married before me and I'd be like 'I'm Single! NOO!' but that ended up happening anyway but that's okay I'm over it. Do you guys know anybody? I don't want to ask that and seem desperate. But if you do here's my address! Give it to whoever you want!

Claire and Monica sit there, jaws agape, shocked. Claire closes her mouth real quick before a bird flies in it.

Claire: Not letting that happen again!

Monica: How do you know Caitlin?

Woman: …uh….she's my sister?

Claire: She's Irish….and you're…..crazy.

Woman: Step-Sisters?

Claire: We should go.

Claire and Monica walk outside.

Claire: That was odd.

Monica: Indeed.

Claire: Well, we're back to square one.

A mystery man is looking at them across the street.

Monica: Look, it's someone mysterious….STOP! YOU!

The guy runs…

Claire: Not too keen on discretion, are you.

Monica: Well….

Claire: Let's go!

Claire and Monica run across the street. Claire gets hit by a car.

Claire: I'm alright! I'm alright!

Monica: For a second there it started getting dramatic.

Claire: Just pop my leg into place.

Monica: I can never get used to that….

Woman: Oh my god! I hit you! You never had the chance to find me a man!

Claire: Weren't you just in the house?

Claire and Monica continue running down the street and into a back alley. A man pulls out a gun and shoots. Claire pushes Monica out of the way in time to take the bullet. Monica runs up the side of the alley and jumps, kicking the man in the face. He goes down as Monica holds his hands behind his back.

Monica: You're under arrest!...Only if I was a cop….and had handcuffs….this might get challenging.

Claire: Score one for The Next Generation! Go team!...Let me grab my pom poms….

She turns around to find another man with a gun. He shoots her.

Claire: A tranquilizer?...Please….

The man throws a potato sack over her head.

Claire: NOT A POTATO SACK! AHHHHH!

Another tranquilizer goes into Monica, she passes out. The two men throw them in the back of a truck.

The next morning, on the airport tarmac. Peter and Caitlin are carrying luggage to the plane.

Peter: So, we're going first then the rest of the guests will be arriving?

Caitlin: Yes! I can't wait to get married!

Peter: Yea….me too…..

Peter makes his way on board. Caitlin gets on her phone.

Caitlin (on phone): Hey….

One of the men who kidnapped Claire and Monica is on the other side.

Man: We got what we needed.

He looks back at an unconscious Monica and a 'Lost In A Potato Sack' Claire…

Man: What about you?

Caitlin: Don't worry….._Everything is going according to plan_.

Caitlin hangs up and boards the airplane.

_To Be Continued_…


	8. Turbulence And A Movie

The Heroes Parody Project (3)

_Disclaimer: This fan fiction is based off the NBC television show, 'Heroes'. Heroes is copyright Tim Kring, NBC, and the rest. I am not nor do I represent any of the cast or crew involved with the show and it is written solely for entertainment purposes only, that and it gives the author something to while he has dinner with his cardboard cut out of Betty White (The Therapist is going to love that one!). Reader Discretion is advised._

The double doors to the emergency room burst open.

Nurse: This man has been shot, stabbed, beaten, and run over with a lawn mower. We have little time to operate!

Other Nurse: This looks like too big of a job for us! Let's get the best surgeon in the tri-state area!

Claire slides down a pole from the second floor (like a fire station?)

Claire: That's me! What have we got….Peter!

Peter (on the stretcher): Hi Claire!

Claire: What are you doing here!

Peter: I'm sick, duh!

Claire: I can't operate on you! Conflict of interest and all….

Peter: But you're the best doctor in space…I need saving.

Claire: Ugh, fine….Space?

They wheel Peter into the surgery room.

Claire: Scalpel!

Peter: Here you go!

Claire: Where the hell is everyone?

Peter: I dunno.

Claire: Ugh….fine….what the?

Peter has several holes all over his body.

Peter: You have to help me, Claire! Use your tweezers and get these _Butterflies out of my stomach_.

Claire: Uh…

Peter: _Don't touch the sides either_….

Claire: Seriously?

Peter: Flat lining any second now, can you step it up a bit?

Claire reaches in to get the butterflies out of Peter's stomach.

Peter: BZZZZZ!

Claire: AHH! What!

Peter: Just kidding! You didn't touch the sides.

Claire: Peter, this is a delicate operation! Be quiet!

Peter: Okay, okay….

Claire reaches in his stomach and pulls out a Butterfly Plastic Piece.

Peter: 100 Points! Good job…

Claire: I'm hating this already.

Peter: Now, you have to cure my writer's block. It's the pencil piece in my forearm.

Claire: I thought you were shot?

Peter: Hurry! Ahhh….The Light! I see the light!

Claire: I'll hurry!

Peter: No, that light over my head is too bright! Turn it down or get me some sunglasses! Yeesh!

Claire: Ugh….

Claire reaches in for the second piece.

Peter: BZZZ!

Claire: STOP DOING THAT!

Peter: I'm sorry….it won't happen ever again.

Claire: ….are you lying?

Peter: …..yes.

Claire: Hmm.

Peter: Wow! You're good at this, Claire!

Claire: Well, if _House, ER, Scrubs, Grey's Anatomy, Hawthorne, Chicago Hope, General Hospital, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Mercy, Trauma…._

Peter puts a pillow over his head.

Claire: ….._ Rescue 911, Nurse Jackie, Private Practice, China Beach, MASH, and Doogie Howser M.D _have taught me anything…

Peter: …

Claire: …it's how to be a good doctor.

Peter: Uh huh….

Claire: You're also the first patient I saved this week.

Peter: ….

Peter gets up and walks out.

Claire: Because it's Sunday!...Doctor's joke!...HAHA….Peter?...Peter?...Peter, are you going to pay, or something?...Oh well…..

Claire sits down and turns the tv on.

Claire: Oh yeah! I totally didn't mention _our show!_ We save people.

…_crickets…._

Claire: Well, we do!

…_crickets…_

Claire: I'll show you. _Previously on Heroes!_

_Peter decides to go through with the wedding that nobody (including him) knows about. Claire and The Next Generation of Heroes investigate into the matter, leading up to Claire and Monica getting kidnapped by mysterious figures. Meanwhile, Noah and Elle (who is thrilled about the wedding) venture off to Wal-Mart and get stuck in line for the entire episode while Niki and DL (who has time off from prison) to buy a house, moving in Matt and Mohinder. Angela stops by to chastise Nathan for not wanting any part of the wedding and Caitlin gets a call from one of the thugs who kidnapped Claire; she states that everything is going as planned. So pretty much NOBODY GOT SAVED!_

Claire: Oh shut up!

DING!

Caitlin: ….

DING!

Stewardess: …..

DING!

Pissed Off Passengers: …..

DING!

Caitlin: Could you _please stop that?_

Peter: But it's fun!...and I never did get my peanuts!

Stewardess: Sir, we've brought you all the peanuts on the plane. We don't have any more.

Peter quickly swipes the peanut pieces off his shirt.

Peter: I can't wait to go to…..where are we going?

Caitlin: _Bongo Island!_ Did you forget? We're going to get married!

Peter: Oh that's right….._what else_?

Caitlin: Hmph!

Meanwhile, on another plane…

Nathan: I can't believe you talked me into this.

Angela: I'm so happy you're coming to your brother's wedding.

Nathan: Yeah, after you _convinced me_…

Nathan walks into his office; Angela has a gun held up against his favorite childhood toy.

Nathan: AHH! What are you doing with _Lamb Chop?_

Angela: You are going to your brother's wedding if it kills me.

Nathan: I am the mayor, I order you to drop Lamb Chop!

Angela: I am your _mother!_ So I have diplomatic authority.

Nathan: ….NO YOU DON'T!

Angela cocks the pistol.

Nathan: Why do you have to shoot all my childhood toys?

Angela: Say you're going or else I'll be making some…._pork chops_.

Nathan: Uh….that's a totally different animal. Those come from pigs.

Angela: Then what do lambs have?

Nathan: _LAMB CHOPS! DUH!_

Angela: Oh…

Angela: _Where you going somewhere with this?_

Nathan: It would just be nice if we could talk as adults for once. Every request doesn't have to end in a hostage situation.

Angela: Thanks for coming anyway.

Nathan: ….Yeah…..

Elle pokes her head through the seat.

Nathan: What the? You're on this flight?

Elle: Yeah, I was going to see if you guys have any magazines.

Nathan turns around to see Noah, The Haitian, and Elle sitting directly behind them.

Noah: It's a miracle we made it to this flight at all. _We were stuck at Wal-Mart forever!_

Elle: Yeah, it was great bonding time.

Noah: We got their present, that's all that matters.

Elle: ….

Noah: …You _did_ bring it with us…right?

Elle: I thought you had it.

Noah: Just great…..

Nathan: Well, I'll try not to let this trip be to awkward…seeing how it wasn't that long ago _we were about to kill each other in the confines of my panic room_.

Elle: Memories….

Elle opens her magazine, which has on the cover:

_Chapter Eight 'Turbulence And A Movie'_

-A Few Hours Ago-

Claire and Monica, freshly kidnapped, were tied up and thrown into the back of a van.

Claire: This is bad.

Monica: No kidding.

Claire: Don't worry, I can't die.

Monica: ….

Claire: ….What?

Monica: But I can, genius!

Claire: I didn't think of that.

Monica: Ugh…..

The van comes to a halt. The two men get out.

Claire: Oh no! They're going to tie us up together and lower us into a vat of acid.

Monica (laughs): Claire…that never happens! You watch too much tv…and coming from me, that's bad.

A loud clanging noise is heard outside.

Thug: Ow! This acid sure is hot!

Claire: Groan….

Suddenly, the double doors fly open.

Samson Gray: _Good afternoon, Ladies. _I hope the ride wasn't too bumpy…

Claire: Creepy.

Monica: Where they serious about that 'acid' thing?

= = =As the world turns upon its axis, _Dr. Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator…and vanished! _HEROES= = =

Monica: WHAT?

Samson, Claire, and Monica are talking on the side of the road.

Monica: We're not that far from the alley; _why were we kidnapped_?

Samson: You see….

Monica: And weren't you my old boss at the school?

Samson: Yes. You see….

Monica: And furthermore…

Samson: Will you let me explain?

Claire: Better her pointing these things out and not me. I'm not getting attacked by the peacock again…

Samson: This is unexpected; I just needed Monica's help. But _you can come along too…_

Claire: Thanks…I guess.

Samson: Anyway, Peter is getting married to Caitlin.

Claire: That's funny, you probably knew about it before I did.

Samson: Of course I did…._it was my idea_.

Claire: Say what?

Samson: You see, a long time ago I had a terrible run in with the _Irish Mafia_.

Claire: I don't like where this is going…

Samson: I owed them a lot of money….and one of the gang members was Ricky, Caitlin's brother.

Claire: Still not liking this…

Samson: Ricky wants his sister to live in the United States and start a new franchise of pubs across the nation, he suggested she marry someone and become a legal citizen. That was my job, I suggested Peter since they dated a while back. You know, since she never went into the future and all…

Monica: _Is he supposed to know all this?_

Claire: And furthermore…._a chain of Irish Pubs across the nation?_

Samson: Yes, if I made the wedding happen, my debts would be cleared.

Monica: You know they'll just kill you, right? At least that's what always happens in the movies.

Claire: My question is, There was the zombie invasion that was caused ultimately by Caitlin being trapped in the future back in Season 2. Peter rectified this by saving Ricky from being burnt toasted by Elle. The zombies are gone, history has changed. How come we all remember it? And why would Peter not remember ever going out with Caitlin and now he's marrying her?

Samson: Because I, along with anyone else directly involved with the zombie plot, our minds weren't affected with the time shift. Knowing that Peter saved the day, but also feeling bad about what happened to Caitlin before and add on to the fact that Ricky was saved and they never got separated that day, He would just assume their relationship excelled to the next level and he just plain forgot.

Monica: So yeah….this is all your fault.

Samson: But there is another member of the gang we must watch out for…his name is Dolph. He has a power…

Monica: What is it?

Samson: I don't know….I just know it can't be good.

Claire: Yup! I don't like any of this. So why did you kidnap us?

Samson: You have to help me stop the wedding.

Claire: Dammit! Now I'm confused. I thought the wedding was your idea!

Samson: It was! But here's the thing. _Dolph loves Caitlin and hates the fact the she can't marry him._ If the wedding doesn't go through, Ricky will have me killed for ruining his dream. If it does go through, Dolph will get super pissed and jealous and use his ability to kill everyone on the island. Once I find out what the ability is of course….

Claire (eye roll): _Previously on Gossip Girl!_ I don't care! I'm going to stop the wedding regardless, if you end up getting whacked by the mafia that's your own fault.

Samson: Well, that's just rude. Caitlin thinks the wedding is going underway just fine, Dolph thinks the opposite. I just need Monica to '_mimic being a Minister'_ and _'marry'_ the two of them, though it won't be legit. Both sides will be happy….at least until I flee the country….legs intact.

Claire: That's a horribly stupid plan...

Samson: If you don't help me….say goodbye to your family!

He holds up a picture of Sandra and Muggles.

Claire: Is that from my family photo album!

Samson: Yes…._I haven't actually kidnapped them yet_….and I won't! If you help me that is….

Claire: FINE! SHEESH!

-Present, Back On The Plane-

Nathan and Angela are still bickering, Elle reaches over to steal Noah's bag of peanuts he swiped before Peter took them all. He slaps her hand.

Elle: OW!

Behind them…._Samson, Sylar, and Jax The Assistant_.

Jax (in the middle): Uh….this is awkward.

Sylar: What?

Jax: I thought you and your father were fighting.

Samson: Don't be ridiculous.

Jax: Sylar burned down your school! And you blew up The Syndicate Building!

Samson: Technically that was Claude….It was only a test that he should respect his elders.

Sylar: That aside…I've decided to be bad again….

Jax: Ugh….

Sylar: My father and I have reconciled our differences, and I'm helping him out with this job.

Jax: You're trying to stop Peter from making a huge mistake marrying someone he doesn't love while stopping a man with a special ability from killing everyone. _You're still on the good side._

Sylar: I am? That's not what he told me.

Samson: Oops….

Sylar grumbles to himself.

Samson: Speaking of which, have we found out our mystery ability?

Jax: Not yet….it'll be a few days.

Samson: Excellent…..by then we could…..

He stops.

In the aisle…._Angela Petrelli walks over and takes a woman's drink out of her hand, making it her own._

Samson: Who…._is that?_

Sylar: Uh….it's Angela Petrelli. _Sociopathic old woman who scares children and rules her family with an iron fist with her uncanny powers of guilt and manipulation of her son's emotions._ Did you know she actually had me think I was her son? She's sick, I tell you. SICK!

Samson (sighing): She's…._breathtaking._

Sylar: She's what?

Samson: I must woo that beautiful creature!

Samson gets up to walk over there.

Jax: This won't be awkward…

Sylar: I think my stomach just turned inside out.

DING!

Meanwhile, on the other plane.

DING!

Caitlin: STOP PRESSING THAT!

Peter: ….

Caitlin: Please.

Peter: So…..this marriage thing…..

Caitlin: Yeah….

Peter: ….yeah…

Caitlin: I can remember when you proposed.

Peter: Yup.

Caitlin: When was it?

Peter: What?

Caitlin: When did you propose…._or did you forget?_

Peter: No! HAHA…I didn't forget…it was *_cough*day afternoon_….

Caitlin: Uh huh….what time?

Peter: Uh….UH….

Peter reaches down and grabs a _Twix candy bar_. He crams both pieces in his mouth and immediately starts choking.

Peter (to himself): _This looked a lot easier in the commercials_.

Nathan gets up to go to the bathroom; Samson sits down in his seat.

Samson: Hello there.

Angela: Oh hello, Samson.

Samson: You know who I am? Madame….I am blushed.

Angela: You're the principal of that school that burned down. And you're Sylar's father…is he on board?

Samson: Yes, he's right over there.

Angela turns around and waves.

Sylar: I'm jumping off.

Samson: I would like to just say you look _ravishing_ in that t-shirt, what does it say?

Angela: '_I put the MOTHER in SMOTHER'_. I made it myself!

Samson: Brilliant. Your artistic ability is bar none, my dear.

Angela: Oh stop…tee hee.

Nathan: Are you going to get out of my seat or what?

Behind them…

Elle (shaking Noah, who is asleep): Mr. B!...Mr. B!

Noah: ZZZZZ…

Elle pinches his nose closed.

Noah (snorting, coughing): AHHH! What the?...Elle! What the hell is wrong with you?

Elle: Look, Mr. B! _Sylar's dad is totally macking on Angela Petrelli._

Noah: You work me for that….wait….is Sylar on board?

Sylar waves.

Noah: _How the hell did we all not see each other?_

Samson leaves, Nathan sits down.

Nathan: What just happened?

Angela: I have a date to the wedding!

Nathan: It doesn't bug you at all that it's Sylar's father?

Angela: Why should it…..

Nathan: …what's your motive?

Angela: I don't have a motive.

Nathan: ….

Angela: …okay, he's a principal, he has money…..I need his help funding the operations of _The Company_.

Nathan: What operations? And didn't you try that last volume?

Angela: I did, I just wasn't looking hard enough. Which reminds me, I have another business partner.

Angela gets on her phone.

Meanwhile…in Japan.

Picking up the phone is _Hiro_.

Hiro: Yamagato Industries! This is Hiro! CEO!

Angela: Excellent!

Angela hangs up.

Hiro: Huh?

Ando: Why are we back at your old company?

Hiro: My sister, Kimiko, is the CEO. She's on vacation. So I promised I'd watch the business for her.

Daphne Millbrook was also standing there.

Daphne: Don't they have people for that…like…a Vice President…or something? And you're 'just watching it', it's a _business. Not a dog_.

Hiro: Who can you trust more than your brother?

Daphne: Somebody who wouldn't stupidly open a safe, letting a secret formula that could lead to the end of the world get stolen by a master thief.

Ando: Did you steal that?

Daphne: Oh yeah….how could I forget. (Eye roll)

Hiro: I've ran this business before, I can do it again. Come Ando, we must do interviews!

Ando: Rehashed plot…AWAY!

Hiro and Ando leave…the company safe is wide open.

Daphne: ….oh come on! Now they're not even trying….

Daphne closes the safe and follows them.

Meanwhile…

Niki: DEADBEATS!

Matt: _Grandma?_

Niki: Get out of that bed!

Mohinder: What?

Niki: DL had to go back to prison. So in the meantime, you two need to help keep up the mortgage payments. So you two need to get jobs.

Matt: I have a job….

Matt walks over to the middle of the screen, he pulls out his gun and shoots! Blood!

Niki: What the hell was that?

Matt: James Bond?

Niki: And you…Mohinder?

Mohinder: That goes without asking, I'm a brilliant scientist.

Niki: You haven't done anything sciency in months. So I have submitted applications for you both at _Video Hut_.

Mohinder: Video Hut?

Niki: Yes, it's the video rental store down the street.

Matt: I hope you'll be joining us, since you don't have a job either.

Niki: As a matter of fact I do!

Matt: Ah…._Internet Stripper_.

Matt suddenly ends up with his pillow in his mouth.

Matt: URRRF!

Niki: I am a traveling saleswoman.

Mohinder: Why can't we do that? Or why don't we just go down to The Company and ask for our jobs back.

Niki: Noah's out of town…something about Peter's wedding or something…

Mohinder: Peter's getting married? Why didn't he invite us!

Niki: He didn't know about it, so it's probably a sham marriage just to make some mobster family happy while some type of disaster is also in the works. They'll stop it. Everything will go back to normal. It always does. Now get to work!

Mohinder: We haven't had interviews yet.

Niki: I kinda did that for you too. You're going to be late! Chop! Chop!

Nathan is watching a movie on the flight.

Harriett: Oh, Tom! It's been too long since I've seen you! I missed you and stuff!

Tom: It has, my darling! I missed you too! Let us eat breakfast!

Harriet: _I can't believe it's not butter_!

Tom: I can't believe it's not _love_!

Nathan: _What the hell kind of movie is this_?

Elle (sobbing, and leaning forward): It's so sad, they finally reunited.

She blows her knows and munches on her popcorn.

Nathan: The movie just started and I have no idea what is going on…._and where did you get popcorn?_

Elle: There are some other movies if you don't want to watch this one.

Nathan (flipping through movies): Let's see….'_Snakes On A Plane', 'Turbulence', 'Terror In The Skies', 'Nosedive', 'AHH! No Parachutes!', and 'Tyler Perry's Madea wrecks the plane'?_ This movie selection is awful.

Sylar: YOU WHAT?

Jax: You didn't have to scream that sir….ow…my ear drums.

Samson: Me and Mrs. Petrelli will be seated together at the wedding.

Sylar: I imagined you used your '_persuasive whistling power'_ to help you.

Samson: I haven't used that in years! I have confidence….

Jax: Uh huh….

Sylar: I've heard enough! I'm going back to watching '_Madea wrecks the plane'!_

Meanwhile, at _Video Hut_.

Mohinder: I can't believe we have to do this…I'm a scientist, dammit!

Matt: It's not so bad….

Matt rustles through a bucket of candy on the counter.

Matt: _Twizlers?_

Mohinder: No….I mean….the nerve of that woman. I didn't make her get a job when she was living at my apartment.

Matt: I told you she was an internet stripper…._Snow Caps?_

Mohinder: No….well, she better be booming at her job….

Matt: She's persuasive, I'm sure of that….._Butterfinger?_

Mohinder: No….yeah, I shouldn't gripe though. We did get kicked out of our apartment, and that Munroe guy had Peter's place bugged, and your stupid Haunted Mansion was a total fluke….

Matt: _Reece's Pieces_?

Mohinder: Toss em!

Matt chunks the package over to Mohinder.

Mohinder: More like _Reece's Pieces of Heaven_….mmm….shall I say they are…._extraordinary_.

Matt: That's the spirit. This job rocks!

A few hours later.

Matt: UGH! There hasn't been anyone….is the 'Open' sign turned on?

Mohinder: Yeah.

Matt: This is so boring!

A woman walks up.

Woman: Hi there, I'd like an order of _Fried Green Tomatoes_. MOVIE JOKE! HA!

Matt: I hate my life….

Mohinder: How was that a joke?

Woman: Actually, I was wondering if you have any copies of '_I can't believe it's not love'_?

Matt: That one where they eat breakfast?

Woman: AHH! You just spoiled the ending! I'm going to tell your manager.

She storms off.

Matt: Good grief, I'm almost starting to miss the _zombies_.

Mohinder: You and me both.

A man walks up.

Man: Excuse me! Do you have any deer hunting videos?

Matt: Only the finest, sir.

He hands him a dvd.

Man: _BAMBI! Is this your idea of a sick joke_….?

Mohinder: I think we already had one of those today….

Man: Just so you know, _I am the President of this company_…

Mohinder: Of course you are…

Man: Don't expect to have jobs….now!

The man storms off.

Mohinder: The man wanted a deer hunting video and you gave him _Bambi!_ What the hell, man?

Matt: That was the only part I saw of that movie!

Mohinder: Disney is going to put a hit out on you, you know.

Matt: Shut up!

Mohinder: You shut up!

They both start slapping each other.

Matt grabs a bucket of candy.

Matt: CANDY FIGHT!

Matt and Mohinder start throwing candy bars at each other. Later, on the curb.

Mohinder: I can't believe we got fired.

Matt: _I can't believe it's not love!_

Mohinder: Shut up, you oaf! This is all your fault….How could I stoop so low….?

Matt: Probably hanging out with me so much….

Mohinder: Grr…..

Matt: These Twix are pretty good….they're pretty easy to choke on though.

Mohinder: Only an idiot would choke eating both twix bars at once…

Peter comes out of the bathroom after almost choking to death from eating both Twix bars at once.

Caitlin: Are you okay, darling?

Peter: Yeah….

Peter opens up another package of Twix. Caitlin swipes it.

Caitlin: Wait until we land…..

The plane starts to shake.

Caitlin: What the?

Stewardess: Attention passengers, the pilot has passed out from an allergic reaction to the peanuts. We are going to crash soon.

Peter: That's what happens when they don't give me _all_ the peanuts. They've been holding back.

Caitlin: What are we going to do?

Back on the other plane.

Stewardess: Attention passengers, the plane in front of us which is also headed to Bongo Island appears to be crashing. Nobody on board over there knows how to fly large aircraft. So if anybody here wants to make an attempt to board the other plane…go for it.

Angela: Oh no! If Peter dies on that plane, I'll have to spend every holiday talking to Nathaaaaa….

Nathan's glaring at her.

Angela: _Nathan who I love oh so much!_

Nathan: Whatever! I don't know how to fly that thing!

Elle: Didn't you used to fly planes in the Navy?

Nathan: Well, yeah…..How did you know that?

Elle: I looked through your files at your office.

Nathan: Hmm…

Angela: Nathan, you have to get to that plane and save everyone!

Nathan: But ma!

Angela: No buts! Get moving!

Nathan: Ugh!

Nathan gets up and starts to walk to the back.

Nathan: Elle, I'm counting on you to create a diversion.

Elle: Got it, Chief!

Noah: Chief? You work for me again!

Elle: Oh yeah….

Elle stands up.

Elle: Everybody on the plane, I want to play 'Charades'.

The passengers oblige.

Elle: Okay, what am I?

Elle starts flapping her arms like a chicken.

Noah: _Insane?_

Elle: Oooh, Mr. B, you are good at this! Okay, Round 2!

Nathan makes his way to the back of the plane and opens the hatch door.

Nathan: Why are there two planes flying to the same destination at _the same time_? Seems impractical….

Nathan takes a deep breath….and falls out of the plane. Nathan flies through the skies and reaches the other plane. He gets up against the door and realizes he _cannot open it from the outside_.

Nathan: Uh oh….

Inside the plane that is going down.

Caitlin: So Peter….what was the first thing you noticed about me when you met me?

Caitlin looks over to find Peter, who is trying to find another Twix bar. She rolls her eyes.

Across the ocean, on the shores of the island. A mysterious man and woman watch the falling plane through binoculars.

Woman: You think Dolph will still destroy the island with Caitlin dead?

Man: She'll be fine. And the Tidal Wave is right on schedule….Unless they find a way to stop it….just like they did with the zombie invasion.

Woman: And if they do stop the tidal wave?

Man (lowering his binoculars): _Then our disasters will be next._

The man and woman walk off.

_To Be Continued…_


	9. The Apparent Trap

The Heroes Parody Project (3)

_Disclaimer: This fan fiction is based off the NBC television show, 'Heroes'. Heroes is copyright Tim Kring, NBC, and the rest. I am not nor do I represent any of the cast or crew involved with the show and it is written solely for entertainment purposes only, that and it gives the author something to do while playing Roller Coaster Tycoon. Oh crap, I forgot to finish putting the Roller Coaster together, I hope the cars don't fly off…oh my…they did…I hope noone notice….oh…they did….they're running and screaming….I know! Let's lower the prices on drinks and snacks….yes….they're coming back…excellent! Reader Discretion is advised._

Narrator: MEANWHILE, AT THE BENNET HOME!

Claire wakes up in her bed.

Claire: Who said that? Is there a burglar in here?

Claire looks under her bed, behind the tv, in her closet, under the cat….

Claire: Where did this come from?

She tosses the cat.

Cat: ROWR!

Claire runs downstairs to find everybody at the kitchen table.

Claire: Everybody! Seriously?

Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE BENNET DINING ROOM!

Claire: Who the hell keeps saying that? And why is everybody wearing costumes?

Niki (Wonder Woman): Welcome, Claire. You have entered the main hall of…

All: _The Justice Alliance Organization Incorporation Of Super People Who Are Somewhat Affiliated With Each Other_.

Claire: The what?

Niki: Let us introduce ourselves. I am _Wonder Woman_.

Peter: I'm _Batman!_

Nathan: Superman…

Hiro: Wolverine!

Claire: Isn't _Wolverine Marvel, not DC? _Just checking…

Daphne: The Flash!

Matt: Aquaman!

Mohinder: The Green Flashlight!...You didn't have any lanterns around the house.

Niki: We welcome you, our newest member….

Claire realizes she's wearing a very short dress and has a _massive head_.

Claire: _BETTY BOOP!_ Are you kidding me?

Niki: Welcome to _The Justice League Of Extraordinary Watchmen_….oh screw it, I forgot what we're called.

Claire (looking in a mirror): AHHH! _My head is shaped like a butt!_

Claire runs up the stairs screaming, constantly losing her balance from her giant head.

Hiro: So….we get new powers, right?

Niki: Nope. The entire budget was used to buy the licenses for these costumes….and that's it. All we can do for now is sit around and look pretty.

Peter: Finally!

Nathan: _Previously on a show where we actually DO have powers…_

_3/4 of the cast were on their way to Bongo Island to participate in Peter and Caitlin's wedding (the one that only Caitlin knew about). On Peter's flight, he dodges some uncomfortable questioning from Caitlin for the entirety of the episode while their pilot passes out from a peanut allergy. Meanwhile, on land, Niki makes Matt and Mohinder get jobs to help pay for rent while DL has to go back to Prison, they get fired for their incompetence. Hiro runs the family company for his sister while she is on vacation. Also, it is revealed what happened to Claire and Monica, who were hired by Samson to help sabotage the wedding since he is in hot water with the Irish Mafia. Meanwhile back in the main plot, on a plane behind Peter's, Nathan, Angela, Noah and Company, Sylar, Samson, and Jax the assistance are all on their way to the island as well (thought they somehow all didn't realize they were on the same plane). Samson falls head over heels for Angela much to everyone's disgust and they both agree to accompany each other to the wedding. Later, upon hearing of Peter's plane, Angela makes Nathan jump out and rescue them. Nathan succeeds in getting to the plane, but it doesn't open from the outside. A mystery man named Dolph, as well as 2 others have entered the picture._

Nathan opens his eyes.

Nathan: Where…where am I?

He looks around.

Nathan: It was all just a horrible dream….man, there sure is a draft in here.

He realizes he is on top of an airplane.

Nathan: Oh crap! I forgot about that!

Nathan makes his way over to the windows of the crashing plane. He looks through each one trying to find Peter. 10 minutes later…

Nathan: _Of course it's the last window I pick! UGH!_

Peter looks over to see someone pounding on his window.

Peter: Stupid birds!

Peter pushes his window open.

Peter: I didn't know these push open!

Nathan: _They don't_.

Peter: Oh, hey bro. Did you see an annoying bird around here?

Nathan: Peter, let me in! I have to land the plane before you all die!

Peter: I don't think you can fit through this window. I mean…_you're not as small as you used to be_.

Nathan: But I…._what's THAT supposed to mean_.

Peter: I mean….you grew up….and you have been packing away those _Mother's Circus Animal Cookies_ like its nobody's business.

Nathan: That's it! Save yourself.

Peter: Okay, Okay, I'm sorry! Just…I'll let you in….

Nathan sticks his leg through the window.

Peter: Good thing nobody is noticing this!

Nathan: I'm stuck.

Peter: _Mother's Circus Animal Cookies_….

Nathan: I HEARD THAT! Go open the door.

Peter: But it leads outside!

Nathan: Really, Detective? You need to let me in!

Peter: This would be a lot easier if you could turn into an elemental substance..like water….or fire….._or wind….or earth…..or heart_!

Nathan: Will you PLEASE open the friggin door!

Peter: Fine….

Peter gets up.

Peter: People of the airplane, don't be alarmed. I am going to open the back door…

Passenger: WHAT!

Everybody starts screaming and running around.

Peter: Whatever….

Peter opens the door, Nathan crawls in.

Peter: You want me to show you to the front of the plane?

Nathan: No thanks…

Nathan walks into the cockpit, stepping over the pilot who is _still suffering from a peanut allergy_. He sits down and takes control of the plane.

Passengers: Hooray!

Peter (poking his head into the cockpit): _I just to tell you good luck. We're all counting on you_.

Nathan: Just go sit down.

Peter: Okay…._and don't call me Shirley_.

Nathan: NOW!...

The plane is now under control and flies over the ocean, which just so happens to read:

_Chapter Nine 'The Apparent Trap'_

The plane starts to land at Bongo Island.

Later….

Nathan opens his eyes.

Nathan: I better not be on another plane.

He looks around….

Nathan: Now, where am I?

Voice: _One of Bongo Island's most luxurious suites_.

Nathan: That…voice…

Out of the shadows, _Daniel Linderman appears_.

Linderman: I hope this room is to your liking….

Nathan: You again?

= = =Great. One of my keyboard letters is broke. It'll be fine…EROES!= = =

Nathan gets up and closes the door.

Nathan: What are you doing here?

Linderman: I have come to bestow my eternal wisdom and knowledge to you….from _beyond the grave_.

Nathan: Well, the whole '_visual manipulation_' thing was already done, so you must be a ghost.

Linderman: Something like that.

Nathan: Well, this show doesn't do ghosts. So get lost!

Linderman: Since when? You've died like, 12 times already. You wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for our last meeting….

Nathan: That wasn't you, that was a mind trick from Matt's dad…..which I still don't know how I survived that…but no point asking questions now.

Linderman: A great peril is upon you and your friends…

Nathan: The only people here are my family and The Company…and Sylar's gang. I have no friends here…

Linderman: You have _Seven Days_…oh wait, that was the last disaster….

Linderman flips through his notes.

Nathan: Get with it, old man!

Linderman: The day of the wedding will be a disastrous one. You must stop it.

Nathan: Are you done?

Linderman: I shall return to check on your progress.

Nathan: I'll be waiting….

Linderman: I bid you farewell!

Linderman grabs a sheet and drapes it over his body. He leaves the room.

Linderman: Ooooh! _I'm a ghooooost_…

Linderman trips over a room service cart. CRASH!

Nathan: This side plot is going to be a blast…(rolls eyes)

Meanwhile, in the middle of the ocean. On a boat.

Claire: This blows!

Monica: What's wrong?

Claire: Stupid Samson wants our help in stopping the wedding, why couldn't we fly?

Monica: Why fly when we could take this fancy schmancy _Official Third Generation Boat?_

Claire (rowing): But my arms are tired!

Monica (rowing): Mine are too!

They both start crying. Meanwhile…

Claire: HEY!

…Angela walks up to Peter at the check-in counter at the hotel.

Angela: Hello, son.

Peter: Oh, hey ma!

Angela: Congratulations on not dying and all.

Peter: Uh…thanks?

Angela (to Caitlin): Oh, you must be Caitlin. We have never met, yet you are still marrying my son. How quaint.

Caitlin: Uh…

Peter: Awkward….

Samson comes up to Angela.

Peter: GASP! Sylar's dad!

Samson: Hello, m'lady. Would you care to join me for a drink?

Angela (_Southern Accent)_: Well, sir, I do declare!

Peter: Huh?

Angela (Still Southern): _Let us go enjoy a nice glass of tea on the veranda while we discuss the stipulations of Big Daddy's will!_

Nathan (walking up): What the hell is wrong with her?

Peter: Jet lag, probably. _She's gone all 'Foghorn Leghorn' on us._ When did you get here?

Nathan: Uh…the same time you did. _I was on your plane when I landed it, you ding dong!_

Peter: Oh, That's right….How's your room?

Nathan: Awful. There's no view of the ocean and I'm constantly being haunted by the ghost of _Linderman_!

Peter: That's rough, bro.

Sylar walks up.

Sylar: Peter, we have business to discuss.

Peter: Don't tell me you're good again.

Sylar: Our parents are going out for drinks. They are also supposed to be '_dates'_ at the wedding. You know what that means?

Peter: That I have to reorganize the seating arrangements at the reception AGAIN!

Sylar: Uh…no…..It means…..well, I don't know…but it's bad. _Disastrous-ly bad!_

Peter: Them hooking up is supposed to cause a tidal wave? That doesn't make sense.

Peter flips through his notes.

Sylar: What?

Peter: Oh sorry. Well, what do you want me to do about it?

Sylar: We are going to spy on them.

Peter: Oh man….

Nathan: Heh, you have fun with that! I don't envy you one bit.

Nathan takes a drink and turns around to see Linderman. He spits his drink out.

Linderman: Nice going! This ghost suit is ruined.

Nathan gives Linderman a shove.

Linderman: What was that for?

Nathan: How did I get drink on you? And how can I touch you? Solid and Liquid objects are supposed to go through ghosts like in that one movie with Patrick Swayze…you know….._Dirty Dancing_.

Linderman: I'm a special ghost.

Nathan: Like the ones that are _alive_ and aren't actually ghosts?

Linderman: Fine, I'll bid you farewell for now with these words from the future.

Nathan: Great, you're a time travelling ghost? That's even more stupid…

Linderman: Shut up. Heed this advice…._Don't eat the muffin._

Nathan: What?

Linderman: I really hate it when people make me repeat myself.

Nathan: Okay, I won't eat it. But I still don't believe the ghost crap.

Linderman: Don't mock my power, Nathan. Only you can see and hear me.

Noah and the Company Gang walk by.

Noah: _Daniel_.

Linderman: _Noah_.

Nathan: WHAT WAS THAT?

Meanwhile, _on another continent_.

Niki pulls down the ladder to her attic and goes on up. Matt and Mohinder are tossing a baseball back and forth.

Niki: Hey guys, how's the job going?

Matt: You mean the one we got fired from.

Niki: You got fired from Video Hut? Nobody gets fired from there.

Mohinder: Unless if you're stupid and give a customer wanting a deer hunting video _Bambi_.

Niki: Yeah, that does sound like Matt.

Matt: I'm pretty sure Mohinder did that one.

Niki: Well, good news is that I got you brand new jobs.

Mohinder: How did you get us jobs when you _just found out that we lost our old ones_?

Niki: Well…it is you….and Matt…..in public…..which always equals disaster.

Matt: Not always. I create just as much havoc at home.

Niki: I have connections with my sister Tracy to get you jobs at the _Bongo Island Hotel Resort_.

Matt: Isn't that where Peter is getting married?

Niki: Yes, so you can go there if you wish.

Mohinder: What about you?

Niki: Oh me? Well, I still refuse to go. But you two still can.

Matt: I thought Tracy was Nathan's assistant now that Elle went back to the company.

Niki: It's just a part time job. She works the front desk.

Mohinder: A part time job _on an island_? Sounds impractical.

Niki: Well, your plane leaves in 20 minutes. Don't want you to be late.

Mohinder: We never said 'yes'!

Niki: Oh, that's right. Well, let me give you the option. Would you guys like to go work on Bongo Island?

Mohinder and Matt: NO!

Mohinder (on the airplane): How did we get here?

Matt (sitting next to him): I'm pretty sure she's a witch.

Back on the island. Nathan walks up to the check-in desk.

DING!

Tracy: Oh, hello Nathan.

Nathan: Tracy? What are you doing here? Why aren't you at my office…office-ing?

Tracy: I told you I had a part time job.

Nathan: I didn't think it would be hundreds of miles away…

Tracy: What can I get for you?

Nathan: A room service menu.

Tracy: You should have one in your room…

Nathan: Yeah, I don't want to talk about that…

-10 Minutes Earlier-

The door to Nathan's room opens. Elle pokes her head in.

Elle: Let's see….where is it?

Elle looks around.

Elle: Found it!

She picks up a room service menu.

Elle: Our room didn't get a menu so I thought I'd sneak into my old boss's room and borrow this one!

She looks around.

Elle: _Who the hell am I talking to?_

She hears a voice, she ducks behind the bed.

Nathan (on the phone): Yeah….that's fine…..thanks for your help…..bye.

Nathan sees the top of Elle's head. He doesn't recognize her.

Nathan: Oh it's you. About time you got here.

Elle (to herself): _Was I caught?_

Nathan: I heard you do great work. Let me get ready.

Nathan starts removing his clothes, Elle is shocked.

Elle (to herself): _Oh my god, he thinks I'm a prostitute! I am SO unfriending him on Facebook!_

Nathan: Ready when you are.

Elle (fake Swedish accent): _Okay_….

Nathan hops on a table, covered in a sheet.

Nathan: Well?

Elle: Oh! You think I'm a masseuse….I mean…._I think it's time for…masseuse?_

Nathan: Man, I've been waiting for this all day. This is gonna feel so good.

Elle: Ew!….I mean…._Oh_!...Really?...Well…here comes the….feel good….

Elle frantically looks around. She grabs a book on the counter and throws it at Nathan.

Nathan: OW!...A little rough, aren't ya?

Elle: That's how I do things.

Nathan: Come on! Get your hands into it.

Elle shudders. She walks up to Nathan.

Elle (to herself): _Eleanor Marie Bullwinkle Bishop, you must focus. This is an important mission the chief sent you on. To fail now will be a fail not only to yourself, but to The Company, and The Haitian! You are an agent, skilled in the field of spy work and espionage. You got this, girlfriend!_

Elle raises a finger. She lowers it to the small of Nathan's back…

_ZAAAP!_

Nathan: AHHHHHHHH!

Elle: AHHHH!

Nathan: AHHHHHH!

Nathan falls off the table.

Elle (sprinting): Borrowing your room service menu bye!

She slams the door

-Present-

Nathan rubs the scorch mark on his back. Tracy hands him a new menu.

Tracy: Your back hurt? We can have one of our expert masseuses…

Nathan: NO!...No…thank you….

Nathan turns around and leaves.

Meanwhile, behind a bush…

Peter: What a crappy intro….

Sylar: Shh! They're speaking with each other.

Samson and Angela are drinking. They laugh and continue their conversation.

Sylar: I have never been so disgusted!

Jax comes up.

Jax: I've prepared your listening devices. I hope you realize this is total misuse of company property.

Sylar: Well, _our company blew up in the last volume, so I don't care._

Jax: Good point.

Sylar is about to listen.

Sylar: I can't do it….if they start lovey dovey-ing it, I'll toss my cookies for sure.

Peter: I want to listen!

Peter listens in on the conversation.

Sylar: Hear anything?

Peter: Nah…just _old people talk_.

Sylar: _Old people talk?_

Peter: You know…shuffle boarding…..broken hips….._Werther's Originals_….

Sylar: Oh please….I'm sure it's not that dull…

Angela: …_and that's how I avoided breaking a hip while snagging the last Werther's Original during the shuffle boarding tournament last month_.

Samson: Fascinating. So….what do you think about your son getting married?

Angela: I think it's absurd. I just met the girl. He's rushing into it way too quickly…_just like his last marriage_…

Peter walks into a restaurant where everyone was meeting him for dinner.

Niki: I can't wait to meet Peter's fiancée. She's probably a real winner.

Peter walks up.

Peter: Hi guys, I'm glad you could make it. It means a lot to me.

Claire: Where's your fiancée, Peter?

Peter: She's _right here!_

Peter holds up…

Mohinder: Is that a _Mrs. Potato Head?_

Peter: _MISS Potato Head!_...She recently just got divorced from her husband!

Matt: Who was her husband?

Niki: _Mr. Etch-A-Sketch!_ Who do you think, you moron!

Peter: She's really happy to be here. Aren't you darling?

Peter takes off Miss Potato Head's lips and replaces them with a smile.

Angela: Well, that's just precious. Excuse me while a take out _this knife that's been plunged into my heart!_

Noah: Uh oh. She's in _Maternal Guilt Trip Mode_. Everyone, _swallow your dinners!_

Matt: I could really go for some _french fries!_

Peter: AHH! Don't say that….she's very sensitive.

Peter takes off Miss Potato Head's ears.

Angela: Peter, I will not have you marry this….toy! What will you do about grandchildren?

Claire: Well Angela, I think we would refer to them as _Tater Tots! _HA!...Get it?...High Five!...Anybody?...Nobody?...Ok then…

Claire puts her hand down….

Peter: I can't believe you can't accept our love. You made Miss Potato Head sad!

Peter scrambles through her back compartment.

Peter: I can't find a frowny face…oh well. Good day!

Claire: _Couldn't he just turn the smile part upside down._

Niki: Don't make this more pathetic than it already is.

Matt: Tell me about it….What do you think, _Magic 8-Ball Girlfriend?_

8 Ball: _Results Hazy, Try Again Later_.

Matt: I agree. You know, it's like we're on the same page….I really think our relationship is going to the next level….

Niki (To Claire): You see what I have to deal with all day?

Meanwhile, two men enter the hotel. _Dolph and Ricky, Caitlin's brother._

Ricky: This place is pretty nice.

Dolph: Hmph!

Ricky: Are you still peeved that you couldn't marry my sister?

Dolph: I love her more than that stupid Peter Petrelli could!

Ricky: I don't care….she needs to marry him so she can legally live in the states so we can start our business. You are illegal too, so it wouldn't help anything if she married you!

Dolph: Hmm…

Ricky: I need you to stick with me on this…you can't betray me now.

Dolph: Very well.

Ricky: I'll go check in.

Dolph looks over at a room service cart with the name '_Petrelli'_ on it.

Dolph: Maybe I won't have to worry about this wedding after all. Goodbye, Peter Petrelli.

He walks over and pulls out a bottle of '_Bobby Crocker's Toxic Glaze'_. He brushes over some of the food items on the tray. Upstairs, Nathan gets off the phone.

Nathan: Well, the room service has been ordered!..._Who am I talking to?_

Meanwhile…

Sylar: Are they still talking?

Peter: Yeah….about business stuff.

Sylar: Business stuff? Gimme that….

Peter: No! It's still my turn.

Sylar: It's been your turn for 20 minutes.

They start slapping each other. Jax tries to distance himself.

Elle steps out of her room.

Elle: I can't believe we have to _pay_ for room service. What kind of place is this?

She sees a man (Dolph) wheeling a cart down the hallway.

Elle: Excuse me sir, I'll be taking that.

Dolph: You are not Peter Petrelli. I must get this to him.

Elle: Uh….I am….Peter Petrelli.

Dolph: No you're not.

Elle: Yes I am…._You believe I am Peter Petrelli_.

Elle does a _Jedi-Mind Wave_.

Dolph: Did you just wave at me?

Elle: Damn! That never works!

Nathan: There you are!

Nathan walks up and grabs his cart.

Nathan: For Petrelli? Thanks, man…...

He spots Elle.

Nathan: …You.

Elle: How's your back?

Nathan: Hmph!

Nathan runs off with his cart.

Dolph: Oh…it's for _that Petrelli._

Elle: Well, I have no food to fight for now, later.

She walks off. Dolph scoffs and storms off as well.

Meanwhile, Claire and Monica where still on a boat.

Monica: What's that?

Claire: I don't know.

Claire puts on her headset.

Claire: Micah! Come in….

Micah (back at HQ): I'm scanning your location now…..it appears another boat is heading right toward you.

Monica: Great….

The boat pulls up. Several people run out with knives.

Claire: What the?

The Captain of the boat steps onto Claire and Monica's side.

Captain: Greetings ladies.

Claire: Who are you?

Captain: The name is Captain Steve, Steve will suffice though.

Monica: What do you want?

Captain Steve: We call ourselves the Fast Food Pirates….we hunt down other boats and steal their food.

Claire: We don't have any food.

Steve: I was getting to that. If you don't have any food we just kidnap you.

Monica: Of course you do.

Steve: But we only have room for one more, so the one can come on, while the other has to stay on their sinking boat.

Claire: Our boat isn't sinking.

Steve shoots their boat, it starts taking in water.

Claire: I probably shouldn't have said that…

Steve: Who is coming?

Monica: Claire…

Claire: No, Monica….I am the leader….I must take one for the team….you go.

Monica: Ok!

Claire: HEY! Weren't you at least going to offer?

Monica: Well…..I haven't watched any swimming videos lately…so I can't swim…..You can't die….so that settles it.

Claire: _I am so unfriending you on Facebook!_

The Fast Food Pirate boat speeds away, Claire is stuck on her sinking ship.

Micah (on headset): Sorry, Claire, I missed that. I just took my hot pocket out of the microwave and put it _back into the freezer to cool it down._ What happened?

Claire: Monica got kidnapped by pirates and our boat is sinking.

Micah: What?...Okay, just hang tight and tread water for a couple of hours. I'll be right there with help.

Micah drops his headset, grabs his backpack and bolts out the door.

Claire: Don't you have a better idea?...Damn….why does this stuff always happen to me?

Meanwhile….

Samson and Angela continue to talk. They both laugh. Angela seems particularly excited.

Sylar: Well?

Peter: What are they saying?

Jax: Uh oh…

Sylar: Uh oh?

Samson stands up.

Samson: Attention, patrons of this Bongo Island Hotel based _Starbucks_. There will be a wedding in a few days!

Peter: Duh….mine!

Samson: For me and Angela Petrelli are to be wed!

Peter: WHAT?

Sylar: Double WHAT?

Angela: Oh look, Peter is hiding behind those bushes. Peter, I thought we could have _our weddings at the same time!_ It'll save on costs.

Sylar's mouth is agape in shock.

Peter: I'd close my mouth if I were you. _Don't want any birds flying into it._

Sylar: ….

Matt and Mohinder finally arrive at the hotel.

Tracy: There you guys are. Niki told me you were coming to work here. That's great. Time for work.

Matt: Work? Why?...

Mohinder looks at him.

Matt: Oh right, that's why we're here.

Upstairs, back in Nathan's room. Linderman exits the bathroom…_though he didn't wash his hands!_

Linderman: Ugh! Fine…

Later, back in Nathan's room. Linderman exits the bathroom in a much more hygienic manner.

Linderman: Nathan, where are you? I haven't haunted you in minutes!

He finds Nathan, on the floor, he appears to be dead. In his right hand he holds a half eaten _muffin_.

Linderman: What did I tell you! Nobody ever listens to ghosts anymore.

_To Be Continued_…


	10. Somewhere In The Middle

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.10)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

Peter: _Previously on Heroes_…

Nathan opens his eyes.

Nathan: Where…where am I?

He looks around.

Nathan: It was all just a horrible dream….man, there sure is a draft in here.

He realizes he is on top of an airplane.

Nathan: Oh crap! I forgot about that!

Nathan opens his eyes. (Again)

Nathan: Now, where am I?

Voice: _One of Bongo Island's most luxurious suites_.

Out of the shadows, _Daniel Linderman appears_.

Meanwhile, in the middle of the ocean. On a boat.

Claire: Stupid Samson wants our help in stopping the wedding, why couldn't we fly?

Monica: Why fly when we could take this fancy schmancy _Official Third Generation Boat?_

Claire (rowing): But my arms are tired!

Angela (to Caitlin): Oh, you must be Caitlin. We have never met, yet you are still marrying my son. How quaint.

Peter: Awkward….

Samson comes up to Angela.

Peter: GASP! Sylar's dad!

Samson: Hello, m'lady. Would you care to join me for a drink?

Sylar: Our parents are going out for drinks. They are also supposed to be '_dates'_ at the wedding. You know what that means?

Peter: That I have to reorganize the seating arrangements at the reception AGAIN!

Niki: You got fired from Video Hut? Nobody gets fired from there.

Mohinder: Unless if you're stupid and give a customer wanting a deer hunting video _Bambi_.

Niki: Well, good news is that I got you brand new jobs.

Mohinder: How did you get us jobs when you _just found out that we lost our old ones_?

Niki: Well…it is you….and Matt…..in public…..which always equals disaster.

Matt: Not always. I create just as much havoc at home.

Niki: I have connections with my sister Tracy to get you jobs at the _Bongo Island Hotel Resort_.

Meanwhile, two men enter the hotel. _Dolph and Ricky, Caitlin's brother._

Ricky: This place is pretty nice.

Dolph: Hmph!

Ricky: Are you still peeved that you couldn't marry my sister?

Dolph: I love her more than that stupid Peter Petrelli could!

Ricky: I don't care….she needs to marry him so she can legally live in the states so we can start our business. You are illegal too, so it wouldn't help anything if she married you!

Dolph looks over at a room service cart with the name '_Petrelli'_ on it.

Dolph: Maybe I won't have to worry about this wedding after all. Goodbye, Peter Petrelli.

The boat pulls up. Several people run out with knives.

Claire: What the?

The Captain of the boat steps onto Claire and Monica's side.

Captain: Greetings ladies.

Claire: Who are you?

Captain: The name is Captain Steve, Steve will suffice though.

Monica: What do you want?

Captain Steve: We call ourselves the Fast Food Pirates….we hunt down other boats and steal their food.

The Fast Food Pirate boat speeds away, Claire is stuck on her sinking ship.

Peter: What are they saying?

Samson stands up.

Samson: Attention, patrons of this Bongo Island Hotel based _Starbucks_. There will be a wedding in a few days!

Peter: Duh….mine!

Samson: For me and Angela Petrelli are to be wed!

Later, back in Nathan's room. Linderman exits the bathroom in a much more hygienic manner.

Linderman: Nathan, where are you? I haven't haunted you in minutes!

He finds Nathan, on the floor, he appears to be dead. In his right hand he holds a half eaten _muffin_.

A door opens. Elle peeks her head inside of Nathan's suite.

Elle (German Accent): Hello! Housekeeping!

Nobody is inside.

Elle: Mission Start!

Elle takes two steps and trips over Nathan's body, which died in the last episode.

Elle: RUDE! AHHH! Nathan!

Elle notices Nathan, dead, she rushes to his side.

Elle: _You have the last blueberry muffin! I want it!_

She snags the half eaten muffin and is about to take a bite.

Elle: Ew! _You slobbered all over it_…oh well!

She's about to take a bite.

Voice: STOP!

Elle: Huh?

Linderman (appearing from behind a curtain): Don't eat that muffin. Else you shall meet the same fate.

Elle: -GASP!-…._Donald Sutherland!_

Linderman: WHAT!...No you twit! I am Daniel Linderman. Nathan has been murdered and only YOU can solve the mystery of….

Elle (running off): La! La! La! La!

Linderman: Hmm…..Okay, maybe she isn't the only one who can solve this mystery. Though there isn't much mystery since Nathan ate the muffin I told _him not to eat!_ Buffoon!

Voices are heard from the hallway.

Linderman: Nobody can know of my presence….I must make myself aloof!

Linderman puts a lamp shade over his head while Angela and Peter enter the room.

Angela: Oh great! Nathan's dead again! That is just like him to miss out on my important announcements.

Peter: Ma, how can you marry Sylar's dad? You don't even know him that well.

Angela: You don't have much room to talk, young man. Now, bring your brother back to life so I can kill him.

Peter: I can't do that, I'm not _Linderman_…..Did that lamp just cough?

Angela: I will have to have my top men on this…

Peter: Huh?

Angela: …_Bring me Matt Parkman_.

Peter: Oh great…..

Through binoculars (down the hall), Dolph scowls.

**-**_**As The World Turns…HEROES!-**_

Hiro: Hello, My name is Hiro Nakamura. Previously on Heroes…Two episodes ago you saw me take over my father's business….from my sister who is the present CEO. She is on vacation, and left me in charge of the place. I will do my best to honor my family's name, and bring forth justice, integrity, honor, teamwork….more honor!

Daphne: Who the hell are you talking to?

Hiro spins his chair around.

Daphne: Your 3:00 interview has been sitting in front of you for over an hour!

The man is sitting there patiently.

Hiro: So Mr….

Man: Kredenko…..Dimitri Kredenko….

Hiro: So….what do you do for a living? Mr. Kredenko?

Dimitri: Uh…_nothing_. Which is why I'm applying for the job.

Hiro: Good answer. I like to see that in potential candidates.

Daphne shakes her head.

Hiro: So…any interests or special skills?

Dimitri: I like to travel….cook…...I am proficient in 27 different languages….._I am also a trained killer_.

Hiro: OOH!...We like people who can multitask!

Daphne looks at Hiro.

Dimitri: I guess you can say my _abilities are extraordinary_….

Hiro: Uh huh…..when can you start?

Dimitri: Now.

Hiro: Okay….uh….now?

Dimitri: Now.

Hiro: Right now?

Dimitri: Right now.

Hiro: Uh…..okay!

Hiro gets on the intercom.

Hiro: Ando!

Ando rushes into the room.

Hiro: Can you show our new recruit to his cube.

Ando: Of course! Come with me.

Dimitri follows Ando outside of the office.

Daphne: Have you lost it? That guy is crazy!

Hiro: Now, now…Nemesis, we are an equal opportunity employer.

Daphne: Why are you hiring people anyway? You're just watching the place while your sister is on vacation.

Hiro: These things need to get done. I shall not let myself fail to bring honor upon my family. Honor….justice…

Daphne: Yeah, yeah, honor and whatnot. We get it.

In the water cooler nearby, it reads:

_Chapter Ten 'Somewhere In The Middle'_

Daphne: Ew! When was the last time you had that water changed?

Meanwhile, Niki is relaxing on the couch.

Niki: Ahh. This is so nice….relaxing, no worries….no stupid subplot to get stuck into. I can get used to this.

Micah: Mom! Can you drive me to the docks! It's important!

Niki: …..The docks? What for?

Micah: You do realize if I tell you, you'll probably get sucked in.

Niki: …..let me think about it…

Micah: …..

Niki: ….okay?

Micah: Claire and Monica are in trouble and are stuck in the middle of the ocean! Monica has been captured by pirates and Claire is going to drown!

Niki: I thought she can't die?

Micah: I'm not sure how the rules pertaining to water related deaths work. But I have to save them.

Niki: Well, Matt and Mohinder aren't involved, so that's good. Where were they going?

Micah: _Bongo Island_.

Niki starts crying into her pillow.

Niki (sobbing): It's not fair! I wanted to relax…

Micah: Any chance we can take this to the car.

Meanwhile in the car, _Micah is driving and Niki is still sobbing while clutching her pillow_.

Niki (sniffing): I mean, I'm a good person. I try not to be stuck with those two morons all the time. I wanted some 'me' time. That's why I sent them to get jobs at the video store and they screwed that up. Now I sent them to work with Tracy and I'm going to get stuck there somehow. It's just sucks!

Micah: Mom, you do realize I don't have my license yet.

Niki: Your point?

Micah: If you were gonna let me steal the car, you didn't even have to go.

Niki: Well, it's a little late for that. Mind the pedestrian.

Micah: I see him…..ugh….

Angela is sitting in the room having a drink; Elle has returned to explain what happened.

Elle: _Nathan bit it_. Big Time!

Angela: Thank you, Elle. You're unhelpful as ever.

Peter walks in.

Peter: Okay, Ma, I rounded up Matt.

Matt: Hi Peter's mom!

Peter: But why Sylar?

Sylar: I still haven't gotten over all these weddings.

Elle and Sylar catch glimpses of each other and turn away.

Angela: Now what?

Elle: It's a long story, a few weeks ago, earlier in the summer…._Sylar and I had a fling_.

Angela: No one cares!

Elle: Do you remember Sylar…._that romantic night on the beach?_

Sylar: Yes….yes I do….

-We flash back to the beach, Elle and Sylar are running towards each other-

Song: _Why do birds…suddenly appear….every time….you are near!_

Elle and Sylar embrace….

They build sandcastles together….

They burn the crap out of their feet on the hot sand….

They destroy some kid's sandcastle….and laugh….

They have a picnic…..Sylar leans in and waves his finger. _Elle's scalp goes flying through the air!_

Elle: HEY! That wasn't romantic at all!

Sylar: Uh…

Angela: Will you two cram it? Here is the plan….Peter, prop your dead brother against the bed.

Peter does so.

Matt: You sure seem calm about the situation, Mrs. Petrelli.

Angela: Oh please, _Nathan dies at least twice a year_. You just get used to it. Now….Parkman…..with the mayor dead that will lead the city into panic. We need the people to continue thinking Nathan is still alive.

Matt: I have a bad feeling about this.

Angela: I need you to make Sylar turn into Nathan.

Matt: Yeah, that worked so well last time!

Sylar: Oh no…I am not going through THAT again!

Angela: You have to! Don't you care about the well being of the city?

Sylar: NO!

Angela: Well, as temporary _good guy_ you should.

Peter: What about Nathan?

Angela: Just stuff him somewhere until we figure out how to bring him back.

Peter: Right!

Angela (To Matt): Well?

Matt: Well, What?

Angela: Do you stuff!

Matt turns to Sylar.

Matt: Um…..

Matt takes out his wand, which has a giant pretty star on the end of it.

Angela: What the hell is that?

Matt: Magic in the making!

Matt waves the wand over Sylar's head.

Matt: Bibbity! Bobbity! Boo!..._You're a pumpkin!_

Sylar: WHAT?

Angela: NO! Turn him into Nathan, you dunce!

Angela takes his wand and snaps it in half.

Matt: _My star wand!_

20 minutes later.

Angela walks up to Sylar.

Sylar: Hi ma!

Angela: Matt, he still looks like Sylar!

Matt: Duh, Mrs. Petrelli, he's not a shape shifter!

Angela: Well…_make him think he is one_.

Matt: The powers don't work like that, Mrs. Petrelli. Just ask Mohinder….because I don't know anything.

Angela: Well, I suppose it will do for now. Okay, son, get out there and make…laws or something.

Angela shoves Sylar out into the hallway where the paparazzi wait.

Daphne storms into Hiro's office and slams the door.

Hiro: Hello, Miss Millbrook!...See how professional I am?

Daphne: No….Hiro, you need to get rid of that man. He is trying to kill you!

Hiro: No he isn't.

Daphne: Oh yeah….

Dimitri: Oh, Mr. Nakamura. Can I ask you a question?

Hiro: Sure!

Dimitri: I appear to have lost my contact; it fell on the floor next to this _broken file cabinet._ Can you help me look for it?

Hiro: Of course, new hire!

Hiro gets on the floor, Dimitri tips over the cabinet. Daphne speeds up and catches it just in time. Dimitri shoots her a look.

Daphne: Oh…this thing…it's always broken.

She glares back.

Dimitri: More coffee, Mr. Nakamura?

Hiro: I'd love some!

Dimitri hands him the coffee. Daphne speeds up just in time to knock it out of his hand. The 'coffee' spills on the wall; it eats a hole through it as if the liquid was some type of _corrosive material._

Hiro: Talk about _hot coffee!_

Hiro is eating his lunch. Dimitri walks in, _pulling out a gun and opening fire_. Daphne speeds up and knocks him over.

Hiro: Stupid broken chair.

Daphne: Have you just forgotten about the whole '_Time'_ thing?

Flashbacks over!

Daphne: Fire him! I think he's trying to kill you.

Hiro: Nonsense!

Dimitri walks up.

Dimitri: Hiro, _I'm trying to kill you_. But nothing is working.

Hiro: ….HA! HA!

Daphne: ….

Hiro: Now Dimitri, You shouldn't be having people like Nemesis here, _whose been trying to convince me of that all day_, bully you into thinking otherwise. It's your first day; you shouldn't have to cave in to office rumors.

Daphne: RUMORS?

Hiro: Why don't you take some time off until Monday?

Daphne: You know what? Fine! Die! See if I care….wait….you still owe me….so yeah, I still care…this isn't over!

Daphne storms out, she zooms to the elevator and gets in.

Dimitri: _Something tells me that you don't really like me_.

Daphne: What the? How did? You were just? I just…._Are you a Speedster too?_

Dimitri: No. But if I was, I'd go by something different, not something silly like '_Speedster'_.

Daphne: _Speedster is cool! _Shut your face!

Dimitri: Let's just say I get places…much fast than you…..Speedster.

Daphne: You can teleport?

Dimitri: Well, so much for the suspense.

Daphne: You're not faster than me.

Dimitri: Quite the contrary, Miss Millbrook. I can travel to places in the blink of an eye.

Daphne: How did you know my name?

Dimitri: We've been working all day together….while you were hindering my plots to kill Hiro Nakamura.

Daphne: AHA! Admit it!...You've been trying to kill him all along? Weren't you?

Dimitri: _I JUST GOT THROUGH SAYING THAT!_ Pay attention…..sheesh….

The doors open.

Dimitri: This is my floor….au revoir!

Dimitri vanishes.

Daphne: He totally didn't need to use the elevator…._show off!_

Meanwhile, Micah and Niki reach the docks.

Micah: Okay, all we need to do is rent a boat.

Niki: Doesn't your third generation thing have a boat?

Micah: Claire was using it….it's probably destroyed now.

Niki: Fantastic.

Micah: Hopefully, Claire isn't drowning.

Claire (in the ocean): I'm drowning!

Claire is on the last piece of boat that is sticking out of the water, she climbs to the top.

Claire: Well, at least I can recreate a scene from one of my favorite tragic movies involving a boat…..Boat Trip!...nah, I'll just do Titanic. _That movie is still kinda new_….

Claire clutches to the boat.

Claire: _Oh Jack, I'll never let go!_

A seagull crashes into the back of Claire's head, sending her flailing into the water. SPLOOSH!

Claire: AHH! Stupid bird!...HELP! I'm drowning again!

Not too far away.

Monica: So….you're _pirates, huh?_

Captain Steve: Yup. The fast food pirates!

Monica: I can't remember in the last episode if I said that name was stupid.

Captain Steve: You didn't.

Monica: Oh…..well….._it wouldn't hurt to change it._

Captain Steve: Quiet, we are coming up on our destination.

Monica: Isn't that _Bongo Island?_

Captain Steve: Yes, we are headed there.

Monica: Me too!

Captain Steve: We're going to stop a wedding.

Monica: Me too!

Captain Steve: We'll steal all the food from the catering service and make off with it. We might have to use you as a bargaining chip.

Monica: Me too….oh wait, that's bad.

Back at the hotel, Mohinder is tending the front desk while Tracy goes to lunch. Peter walks up and throws Nathan's body over the counter.

Mohinder: Peter, what is that?

Peter: Nathan, _he's dead_….

Mohinder (screaming): WHAT?

Peter (screaming louder): MOHINDER, YOU'RE MAKING A SCENE!

Mohinder: Nathan's dead?

Peter: For now….I'm sure it's just a fluke. Do you have somewhere I can store him?

Mohinder: _Store him?_

Peter: Yes.

Mohinder: In the back.

Peter: Thanks!

Mohinder looks on as Sylar is walking around introducing himself as Nathan.

Woman: You don't look like Nathan Petrelli.

Sylar: I assure you, I am.

Woman: Works for me.

Upstairs, The Haitian walks into Noah's room.

Haitian: We have a problem.

Noah: Did Elle run up the food service bill? She is just the worst.

Elle: HELLO! I'm in the room!

Haitian: We have confirmation…_he is here_.

Noah: Yeah, but Sylar is good now; we can't do anything with that….

Haitian: I mean…._him!_

Noah looks at the paper The Haitian had in his hand it is a picture of _Dolph_.

Noah: We finally got him…_who is this?_

Haitian: Ugh!...His name is _Dolph McAlister, _he is a wanted criminal in 14 states.

Noah: Where is he?

Haitian: Somewhere in this hotel.

Noah: Okay, Haitian, go secure the premises. I'll go have the staff lock down the hotel. Elle…_put down that sandwich_.

Elle: DAMMIT!

Noah: Let's move!

Meanwhile, Claire is underwater; she's probably going to die.

Claire: HEY! (bubbles)

A hand reaches down and grabs her hair, yanking ever so tightly.

Claire: OWW! (bubbles)

Claire gets flopped on a boat, Micah and Niki standing over her.

Claire: Cough! Cough!...I'm….not going to make it…my life…..flashing….before my eyes….

The Bennett's take a family vacation to the Catskill Mountains. Claire gets out, Sylar bumps into her.

Claire: I'm Claire.

Sylar: The name is _Sylar Castle_.

Claire: That's a stupid name.

Sylar: Let's dance!

Sylar lifts Claire in the air. Later, she is at a pottery wheel, Sylar sits behind her, guiding her hands…

Claire: Wait….that was _Dirty Dancing…and Ghost!..._.._Stupid Patrick Swayzee Movie Marathon_…..and with Sylar? YUCK!

Niki: Are you done not dying?

Claire: Oh yeah…..Monica got kidnapped! We have to rescue her….

Micah: I have a feeling where they are going.

Claire: Where?

Micah: …_To the island_.

Niki: Of course.

Elle is walking down the hall, she bumps into Dolph.

Elle: YOU!

Dolph: !

Elle: You're that guy who I got into the argument at the room service cart.

Dolph: You were that woman trying to pose as _Peter Petrelli; _I'm surprised you'd think I fall for that.

Elle: Oh, and something about being a most wanted criminal….I wasn't paying attention.

Dolph takes off running.

Elle: Wait! I'm not done exchanging words with you!

She chases after him.

Noah and The Haitian run up to the front desk.

Mohinder: If you have any more dead bodies, I don't want to hear about it.

Noah: What?...Nevermind, you need to lockdown the hotel! There is a wanted criminal in here and he's very dangerous.

Mohinder: Uh….wouldn't locking down the hotel, making the guests panic and bringing attention on the criminal _a bad idea?_

Noah: Just do it man! We have no time!

Mohinder: I CAN'T! It's my first day! And my trainer is still on break!

Noah: Get a hold of yourself!

Noah spins around and slaps Matt who just happened to be standing there.

Matt: OW! What was that for?

Mohinder: I'm not locking down the hotel.

Matt: Oh, I can do that.

Matt gets on the intercom.

Matt: _Attention Hotel patrons, there is a wanted criminal on the loose. He is very dangerous. So we will be locking down the hotel. It's doubtful you'll be able to return to your lives and families while during this procedure. So we recommend that all guests remain calm and don't panic. That is all_.

Mohinder: ….

Noah: ….

The Haitian: ….

Matt: ….See? Nothing went…

Man: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! PANIC!

The guests start screaming and running around.

Mohinder glares at Matt.

Matt: Okay, backup plan. I will convince people that there is no panic while The Haitian wipes their memories. All 3000 guests.

Noah and The Haitian exchange looks.

Meanwhile, Hiro is walking out of the building to his car. Dimitri, watching with binoculars, holds up a remote device and presses a button. Under Hiro's car, a bomb starts to activate. Hiro takes out his keys and starts his car. The car suddenly explodes! The fire and smoke billows into the air. Dimitri stands outside while shrapnel flies past him. He smiles meekly and turns away from the wreckage.

The boat crashes against the shore of the island. Niki, Claire, and Micah make their way to the hotel.

Niki: Why are we going to the hotel? Shouldn't we be rescuing Monica?

Micah: I did some research on these 'Pirates'. They like to steal food from random people and crash the biggest events. They plan on crashing a wedding next.

Claire: Peter and Caitlin's.

Micah: Oh, I also received news that Angela Petrelli and Samson Grey are getting married as well.

Niki: Huh?

Claire: Oh crap! That means Sylar is going to be my…._Step-Uncle!_

Captain Steve and the Pirates tie up Monica in the back room of the hotel.

Captain Steve: Alright guys, let's get ready.

Noah's phone rings, it's Elle.

Noah: What is it, Elle?

Elle: I am on foot in pursuit of the culprit.

Noah: Dolph?...Wow….great job….how's it going?

Elle: AHH! He kidnapped me!

Noah: That didn't last long. Just shock him!

Elle: I can't! He's holding a gun.

Noah: HA! You should only be concerned if it's a water gun.

Elle: It is! It's the _Super Soaker XT5000 with double barrel rapid fire!_ I'm allergic to water!

Noah: Really?...So….how do you bathe?

Elle: SERIOUSLY! You're asking that now?

Noah: Okay, we're on our way.

Noah gets off the phone, him and The Haitian run off. Matt follows. Mohinder stands there. Tracy returns.

Tracy: Hmm….the guests are running around and screaming and there's a dead body in the back. All in all I say you're not doing so hot.

Mohinder: Yeah, I know…..

Meanwhile, in the back….Linderman finds Nathan's body.

Linderman: There you are! I've been looking for you. Now…let's get you back to the living!

Linderman puts his hand over Nathan's head.

Linderman: By the power of my ghostly magic….hmm….I'm having trouble sensing any form of life to be resurrected. Like someone removed his soul….

Outside, a parade is being thrown in the Mayor's honor. Sylar is sitting in a car holding a bouquet of roses, waving to the people.

Man: That doesn't look like Nathan Petrelli.

Other Man: Meh, what can you do about it?

Linderman: I'll need a host…..

He spots Mohinder walking to the back, about to take his break.

Linderman: Hmm….

Later….

Tracy: Mohinder!...Mohinder!...Are you back from break yet?

Nathan walks out.

Tracy: Oh, hello Nathan….have you seen Mohinder?

Nathan (Mohinder's voice): What in the world are you talking about, Tracy….I am Mohinder…..

Nathan/Mohinder turns to his work. Tracy looks at him for a second then walks away.

_To Be Continued_…


	11. I Love YouTube

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.11)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

Claire: _Previously on Heroes_…

Angela: Oh great! Nathan's dead again! That is just like him to miss out on my important announcements.

Peter: Ma, how can you marry Sylar's dad? You don't even know him that well.

Angela: You don't have much room to talk, young man. Now, bring your brother back to life so I can kill him.

Peter: I can't do that, I'm not _Linderman_…..

Angela: …_Bring me Matt Parkman_.

Hiro spins his chair around.

Daphne: Your 3:00 interview has been sitting in front of you for over an hour!

Hiro: So Mr….

Man: Kredenko…..Dimitri Kredenko….

Hiro: So…any interests or special skills?

Dimitri: I like to travel….cook…...I am proficient in 27 different languages….._I am also a trained killer_.

Hiro: OOH!...We like people who can multitask!

Daphne looks at Hiro.

Micah: Mom! Can you drive me to the docks! It's important!

Niki: …..The docks? What for?

Micah: You do realize if I tell you, you'll probably get sucked in.

Peter props Nathan against the side of the bed.

Matt: You sure seem calm about the situation, Mrs. Petrelli.

Angela: Oh please, _Nathan dies at least twice a year_. You just get used to it. Now….Parkman…..with the mayor dead that will lead the city into panic. We need the people to continue thinking Nathan is still alive.

20 minutes later.

Angela walks up to Sylar.

Sylar: Hi ma!

Angela: Matt, he still looks like Sylar!

Matt: Duh, Mrs. Petrelli, he's not a shape shifter!

Daphne walks into Hiro's office.

Daphne: Fire him! I think he's trying to kill you.

Hiro: Nonsense!

Dimitri walks up.

Dimitri: Hiro, _I'm trying to kill you_. But nothing is working.

Hiro: ….HA! HA!

Daphne: ….

Hiro: Now Dimitri, You shouldn't be having people like Nemesis here, _whose been trying to convince me of that all day_, bully you into thinking otherwise. It's your first day; you shouldn't have to cave in to office rumors.

Daphne: RUMORS?

Hiro: Why don't you take some time off until Monday?

Daphne: You know what? Fine! Die! See if I care….wait….you still owe me….so yeah, I still care…this isn't over!

Monica: So….you're _pirates, huh?_

Captain Steve: Yup. The fast food pirates!

Monica: I can't remember in the last episode if I said that name was stupid.

Captain Steve: You didn't.

Monica: Oh…..well….._it wouldn't hurt to change it._

Captain Steve: Quiet, we are coming up on our destination.

Monica: Isn't that _Bongo Island?_

Captain Steve: Yes, we are headed there.

Noah: We finally got him…_who is this?_

Haitian: Ugh!...His name is _Dolph McAlister; _he is a wanted criminal in 14 states.

Noah: Where is he?

Haitian: Somewhere in this hotel.

Matt: _Attention Hotel patrons, there is a wanted criminal on the loose. He is very dangerous. So we will be locking down the hotel. It's doubtful you'll be able to return to your lives and families while during this procedure. So we recommend that all guests remain calm and don't panic. That is all_.

Man: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! PANIC!

The guests start screaming and running around.

Dimitri, watching with binoculars, holds up a remote device and presses a button. Under Hiro's car, a bomb starts to activate. Hiro takes out his keys and starts his car. The car suddenly explodes!

Linderman puts his hand over Nathan's head.

Linderman: By the power of my ghostly magic….hmm….I'm having trouble sensing any form of life to be resurrected. Like someone removed his soul….

Linderman: I'll need a host…..

He spots Mohinder walking to the back, about to take his break.

Tracy: Oh, hello Nathan….have you seen Mohinder?

Nathan (Mohinder's voice): What in the world are you talking about, Tracy….I am Mohinder…..

Noah and The Haitian run up to a T-section of the corridor on the 12th floor of the Bongo Island resort. Noah peers around the corner, aiming his gun. On the side of it reads:

_Chapter Eleven 'I Love YouTube'_

Haitian: Not even going to ask.

Noah: I hope they're in there.

Elle: AHHH! Help!...He's going to kill me! And _I'm allergic to dying!_

Noah: That's her all right. Come on.

Noah and Haitian proceed down the hallway after Dolph. Matt isn't far behind.

Noah: What are you doing here?

Matt: This counts as working. That way I won't be stuck doing dishes.

Noah: Whatever.

The three of them approach room 211.

Noah: They went in here.

Matt: Allow me.

Matt pulls out his hotel card and swipes it. DENIED!

Noah: ….

Matt: Oh crap! This is my library card!

Noah: _I'm surprised you have one_.

Matt: Thanks. I like to keep myself busy. _Knowledge is power!_

Noah: That wasn't a compliment!

Matt: I usually like to spend my days slaving over a hot keyboard hounding the internet for Muppet Babies merchandise on EBAY and some loser is always outbidding me on my _Nana shaped Pez Dispenser_.

Noah: Oh my god, stop talking!

Haitian: How does it look like _Nana_? You never see her above the legs!

Matt: I KNOW! Right?

Noah: Stop encouraging him.

Haitian: Hmm…..

Noah: This is your last chance, McAlister! Come out with your hands up….preferably in a 'handcuffed' position, that way it'll be easier when we handcuff you.

He looks at the Haitian, who shrugs.

Noah: You didn't bring the handcuffs, did you?

Haitian: I forgot.

Noah: Oh, the irony. _The mind eraser forgot something_.

Matt: Heh heh…that's kinda funny.

Haitian swipes Matt.

Matt: What joke was I just laughing at?

Noah kicks open the door. Dolph has Elle at gunpoint. He is covered in water.

Noah: Uh…

Dolph: I found out _Little Miss Electricity _has….electricity…when she shocked me with it earlier.

Elle: It was fun!

Dolph: With me being wet, the next time she does it, the voltage will shock her instead.

Noah: Say what now?

Elle: Hurry, Mr. B! This rope is chafing my beautiful wrists!

Noah: Give it up, Dolph.

Dolph holds the gun to Elle's head…before he suddenly collapses.

Noah: !

Elle: ….?

Noah (To the Haitian): Did you do that?

Haitian: No.

Matt: I didn't!

Noah: I wasn't going to ask you. That would actually mean doing something useful.

Matt: Aw…thanks.

Noah: THAT WASN'T A COMPLIMENT! ARGH!

Elle: He's out cold. It's like…he just fell asleep.

Noah: He must be Narcoleptic. Lucky for us!

Elle: _You mean he's in love with 'dead people'? _GROSS!

Noah (to the Haitian): _Remind me to get a water gun when we get back to the office._

Haitian: Done.

Elle: Now what?

Noah: It's time for Mr. Parkman to be useful.

Matt: Finally!

Noah: When Dolph wakes up…._he's going to tell us everything he knows_.

Matt: So…._what's my job_?

Everyone looks at Matt.

Matt: Oh…OH….That…gotcha….

_**-The World Rotates….HEROES!-**_

A few minutes earlier…

Dimitri presses the button on the remote. A light on the bomb under Hiro's car starts to flicker. Hiro, inside of the vehicle, starts the ignition. The vehicle begins to explode shortly before time freezes.

Hiro: uh…

Hiro sees a wall of flame in front of him. He unbuckles his seat belt and climbs into the back seat. He pushes away clouds of smoke and chunks of floorboard in the air. He makes his way to the rear window and notices a man standing outside of his car, it is Dimitri.

Hiro: Oooh….I bet _Nemesis _put him up to this to make him look like he's trying to kill me.

Hiro thinks for a second.

Hiro: Okay, that's _too stupid_. Fine, she wins.

Hiro teleports out of there as the car goes up in flames. Dimitri gets back in his car and drives off.

Niki, Claire, and Micah are standing in the middle of the riot in the hotel.

Niki: Okay, Nicole, don't panic. I'm sure it's all in your head.

Nathan walks up to Niki.

Claire: Well, another run in with Dad, this won't be awkward.

Nathan(Body)/Mohinder(Voice): Niki? What are you doing here?

Niki: Uh….Nathan?

Nathan/Mohinder: Why does everyone keep calling me that? I'm Dr. Professor Mohinder Suresh! Extraordinary Scientist.

Niki: ….

Claire: ….

Micah: ….Well, he sounds like Mohinder.

Niki: He obviously doesn't know. Claire, do you have a mirror?

Claire: Of course, ladies always have to keep up their appearance…..(she looks at Niki)...well…._most of them_. Like myself, a beautiful Cheerleader who is beautiful and popular!

Niki: Uh huh.

Niki holds out her arm where her pet hawk is perched.

Niki: Avenger! GO!

Avenger: SQUAWK!

Avenger takes off, grasping its talons into Claire's head. It takes off flying while Claire hopelessly kicks her legs.

Claire: AHHHHHHHHH!

Claire snaps her fingers in front of Niki, _who snaps out of her trance_.

Niki: Sorry, _I was having an Ally McBeal moment_.

Nathan/Mohinder looks into the mirror…and shrieks.

Nathan/Mohinder: What is this?

Niki: Can we just rescue Monica and leave? I don't want to get caught in this mess…_especially since I saved her last volume_.

Nathan/Mohinder: This power…..I can do….anything as the mayor. I can have city funding go towards scientific research. I can save lives…and be heroic.

Angela and Peter enter the main hall of the hotel. Peter is eating some _Pez from his Muppet Babies Pez dispenser he won off EBAY._

Peter: Mmmm….sugar….

Angela: OH CRAP! Nathan's alive again!

Peter (looks at his cell): Oh, that's Caitlin…we're supposed to talk about wedding stuff.

Nathan/Mohinder: Oh look, it's Angela Petrelli! Hello Angela! Extraordinary day we're having, isn't it?

Angela: That's not right. I should have seen this in my dreams….I better go take a nap.

Dolph wakes back up. Matt is in front of him.

Noah: I need to know his plans.

Matt: Okay, leave it to me.

Matt takes out a pocket watch and holds it in front of him.

Matt: Look….at the pocket watch.

He starts to swing it in front of him.

Matt: Does this belong to you? _It's been in the lost and found all day_.

Noah (gritting): Use your power….

Matt: Oh…okay….

Matt focuses intently on Dolph. The camera starts to shake as if something's happening. Meanwhile, Elle is snooping through Noah's briefcase.

Noah: Where did you get that?

Elle: I always bring it with me! Let's see….important documents…..important papers….ooh! Mr. B's birth certificate…huh….it actually says _HRG_ under name…..I wonder why none of us call him that.

-Flashback-

Doctor: Okay, Mrs. Bennet, I need you to push!

Noah's Mother: ERRRRRGH!

Doctor: Keep pushing!...Push it!...Come on push it!...

_Salt N Peppa: PUSH IT REAL GOOD!_

Doctor: WILL SOMEBODY GET THEM OUT OF HERE!

Later…

Doctor: Here you go….it's a baby!

The doctor hands her a baby which is wearing _horn rimmed glasses_.

Noah: Okay, _it totally didn't happen like that!_

Elle: How would you know? You were only like, 2 minutes old!

Noah: Ugh…..

Matt: I'm getting something.

Noah: What?

Matt (shouting): _I'M GETTING SOMETHING!_

Noah: I heard you….what is it? (He sighs)

Matt: He's here….to stop the wedding….

Noah: Which one? Peter's or Angela's?

Matt: Angela's getting married? I have to go congratulate her!

Matt runs off.

Noah: HEY! We weren't finished yet, you boob!

Meanwhile, in an ice chest in the kitchen, the body of Mohinder lays.

Mohinder(Body)/Nathan(Voice): BRR!...Where am I?...Oh come on…._seriously?_

Mohinder/Nathan slams the ice chest open to find Linderman on the phone with Chinese Takeout.

Linderman (on phone): Yes…(reading a menu)….I'll have the E-7….now does that come with steamed or fried rice….

In the background, Mohinder/Nathan is freaking out upon looking into a mirror.

Linderman (on phone): Uh huh…..can I have an egg roll?...good….is there a way to….scoop out all the stuff in the middle?...I only like the fried part…Hello?

Mohinder/Nathan grabs him and spins him around.

Linderman: EEK!

Mohinder/Nathan: What the HELL are you doing!

Linderman: Well, in case if you haven't noticed. The food here is _horrible_. I was going to order some take out from that wonderful little…oh…._You're talking about THAT_.

Mohinder/Nathan: Why do I look like Mohinder Suresh?

Linderman: Well, _haven't you always wanted to be a brilliant scientist?_

Somewhere in the distance…..

_(Mohinder's Voice) THANK YOU!_

Mohinder/Nathan: FIX THIS! NOW!

Linderman: Now, now….no need to be hasty…..it's not like there's a wedding tomorrow.

Mohinder/Nathan: ERK!

Linderman: We need to get both you and Mohinder…Nathan….whatever. In the same room…then I can do the healing process.

Mohinder/Nathan: You better, or I'll…..how was I able to grab you before? I thought you were a ghost!

Linderman: I brought myself back to life!

Mohinder/Nathan: You can't do that!

Angela is fast asleep….dreaming of the future ahead…

Angela (in her sleep): Hmm….._oh THAT can't be good_….

She opens her eyes to Matt's face.

Angela: AHHHHHHHHHH!

Matt: Morning, sunshine!

Angela: Parkman! What are you doing here? Why aren't you keeping an eye on Sylar?

Matt: Oh, he's doing fine.

Outside…

Sylar: Vote for me! _Nathan Petrelli_. To be the mayor!

Rally Person: _You already are the mayor_!

Sylar: Oh….then….the President?

The rally people shrug and jot down some notes.

Sylar: Excellent!

Angela: _And did you eat that mint on my pillow_?

Matt (with chocolate around his mouth): No.

Angela: LIES!

Matt: Anyway, I came to congratulate you on your wedding!

Angela: I thought you knew about it already?

Matt: Maybe. It would be an honor if I could plan everything!

Angela: HA! _YOU?_ Oh please…..Remember that _planned birthday party you threw for me?_

Angela is sitting there with a pointy birthday hat on. Matt and the other's wheel in her birthday cake_._

Matt (singing): _Happy Birthday to you! You're one hundred and two! Happy Birthday dear Angela, we're glad you're not dead!_

Niki: That totally didn't rhyme!

Angela: And my birthday cake is a _muffin with a candle shoved in it_.

Matt: It's a _bran muffin_….a _super bran muffin_…..more like a _'you better get a running start' bran muffin'_…

Angela: GRR!

Matt: Yeah, _why did you let me do that?_

Angela: So…that means….

Matt: Yes?

Angela: You have _one_ more chance…don't muck it up.

Matt: Thanks, Mrs. Petrelli! You won't regret it!

Angela: I doubt that.

Meanwhile…in the café.

Caitlin: Peter.

Peter: Uh….Caitlin?

Caitlin: I can't tell you how excited I am about the wedding. We'll be married and stuff.

Peter: Isn't it bad luck for me to see you before the wedding.

Caitlin: Probably. But I am willing to risk it because I love you.

Peter: Aww…..that's….nice.

Caitlin: ….

Peter: …..

Caitlin: ….AHEM!

Peter: Oh….uh…..uh….._I love…Youtube?_

Caitlin: What did you just say?

Peter: _I love Youtube._

Caitlin: Are you saying…._You Tube?_

Peter: What? No….never…..I mean…come on, man…..

Caitlin: I swear you're saying _tube!_

Peter: NO! NO WAY!

Caitlin: Okay…..I believe you…..because I love you.

Peter: I love Youtube.

Caitlin: I KNOW YOU'RE SAYING SOMETHING ELSE!

Back in the room….Dolph is getting dizzy.

Noah: We can stay here all night, Dolph…._We get paid by the episode_.

Dolph: ….it's not going to matter…..she'll never leave him for me….

Noah: Elaborate.

Elle is on the bed, bouncing a strand of lightning between her hands like a _slinky_.

Elle: Pretty!

Noah: There goes the rest of the FX budget….so….Dolph….

Dolph: …why bother to fight it…..Caitlin and Peter are getting married.

Elle: DUH!

Dolph: I was here to stop it. I…..I love her…

Elle: Aw….I'm sure _she loves YouTube_.

Noah: Dolph, we need more informa…..wait…..(he turns to Elle)…_What did you just say?_

Elle: What?

Dolph: She is only marrying him to get entrance into the country to start and Irish Pub business.

Elle: That's a stupid reason. I mean…don't get me wrong, _I love Irish Pub's_.

Noah and The Haitian look at her.

Elle: Not like that!...I'm not a lush.

Noah (to The Haitian): One would wonder.

Noah feels a zap of electricity on his behind.

Noah: AHH!

He spins around to see Elle blowing the '_smoke'_ from her finger.

Noah: Grr..

Dolph: But she's going to marry him…..I might as well kill everyone.

Elle: That's the spirit.

Noah: What! You can't do that…..

Dolph: The plan is already in effect…..the only way to save everyone is to cancel the wedding.

Noah: What plan?

Dolph: At 3:00 tomorrow this island will be underwater. I have the ability to shift the phases and position of the moon to cause a high enough tide to wipe out all of you!

Elle: Not one of the best powers….

Noah: It's 3:00, we'll evacuate the island!

Dolph: If you even attempt that I'll speed up the process.

Noah: I probably shouldn't have said that out loud.

The Haitian nods.

Noah: Well….(To the Haitian)…._hurry and wipe his memory!_

Dolph: I wouldn't recommend that, the tidal waves are already going to come in and I'm the only one with the ability to stop it, and if you make me forget it I can't stop it when you cancel the wedding.

Noah: It's probably a good thing I said that out loud.

The Haitian nods.

Dolph: You have 24 hours.

He starts to leave.

Noah: Just because we're not wiping your memory doesn't mean we can't still arrest you….you're still guilty of things!

The door closes.

Noah: After him!

Meanwhile at the 'Nathan for President Rally'.

Reporter: Excuse me…._Mr. Petrelli_. What kind of things do you plan on changing when you become President?

Sylar: Well…..all sorts of things….

Reporter: _He's good_.

Niki (looking outside): Is everyone on this island _stupid?_

Hiro runs up to his office. Ando is there.

Hiro: Ando!

Ando is tied to a chair.

Hiro: Ando! Something terrible has happened!

Ando (gagged): _Mrr, Muh, Muhpid. _(Translation: No duh, stupid!)

Hiro: That Dimitri guy tried to kill me! Me! Of all people. You can't kill Hiro Nakamura. _My name is in the title of the show for crying out loud!_

Ando rolls his eyes.

Hiro finally takes the gag out of his mouth.

Ando: COUGH! COUGH!...blech….Hiro, that man ran off with Daphne!

Hiro: That office hussy!

Ando: I meant he _kidnapped her!_

Hiro: Oh.

Ando: He just…popped in then out….it's like he was teleporting.

Hiro: Teleporting? Ugh, that is such a cheap rip off of my power! He's no better than _Adam Munroe and that West guy from Season 2!_

West is sitting outside of the Bennet home. Nathan walks up.

Nathan: Hello, West.

West: Oh hey, aren't you that Senator guy who died but came back and has the _Oreo Cookie beard?_

Nathan: Why do people keep calling it that?...Anyway….I hear you are dating Claire. Good for you.

West: Uh…

Nathan: I also hear you have an ability _like mine_.

West: How do you know all this?

Nathan: I do not take kindly to copy-cat heroes, West. I challenge you to a _fly-off!_

West: Uh….okay?

Nathan: Have at you!

Nathan takes off, as does West. They are both soaring through the skies…._The Top Gun music starts to play_.

Nathan (flying): I always loved that movie.

West (flying): GOOOOOOSE!

Nathan: I know! That part was so sad!

_A wild goose comes out of nowhere and slams into Nathan's face_. WHAP!

Nathan: ERK!

Goose: SQUAWK!

Nathan loses his concentration and plummets to the ground below. CRASH!

West: I tried to warn you! Uh….Mr. Petrelli…..hello?

West whistles while flying off.

Hiro: Regardless, Dr. Suresh should know about this so he can add it to his never ending research.

Ando: I don't think Dr. Suresh needs more research…

Hiro: But where could he have gone….where?...WHERE!

Ando: Uh….

Hiro: _There's only one person who can help us!_

Ando: Don't say it!

Molly opens the door to the _Third Generation HQ/Niki's house._

Molly: Seriously?

Ando: Seriously?

Hiro: Hello, Molly!

Molly: You know I'm going to have to start charging for my services?

Hiro: What _Hero_ charges people to use their superpowers?

Ando: Daphne was making you do that earlier in the Volume.

Hiro: That's not important!...Besides, with Daphne we were just having people hire us without them knowing about our powers…..which isn't any better.

Meanwhile, in the backroom of the Hotel Resort, Monica is tied up while Captain Steve surveys the place.

Steve: There is so much food here, we can live like kings!

Monica: Whatever! Can I go now?

Steve: No! We need to use you for a bargaining chip.

Monica: For what? The food is here, just take it and go. I'm sure nobody will mind.

Steve: No.

Monica: Damn, why _didn't I watch the 'escaping hungry pirates' video?_

Linderman and Mohinder/Nathan walks into the back.

Mohinder/Nathan: What the?

Monica: Hooray! It's the Professor….and _Donald Sutherland!_

Linderman: I'M NOT DONALD SUTHERLAND!

Steve: Seize them!

Linderman: You can't touch me…I'm a ghost!

Linderman runs into a nearby cupboard.

Mohinder/Nathan: You sissy!

2 seconds later.

Monica (to Mohinder/Nathan): Why do you sound like Nathan Petrelli?

Mohinder/Nathan: Don't ask.

Outside….

Nathan/Mohinder walks up to the podium.

Nathan/Mohinder: People of Earth! I bring you revolutionary leaps…into the field of science!

People: ?

Nathan/Mohinder: We should vote YES on Proposition S-22, which will pump more of the taxpayers money into the science field. With our extensive research, we can find cures for the common headache!

Sylar: It's called _aspirin._

Nathan/Mohinder looks over to Sylar, standing at another podium.

Sylar: Who are you?

Nathan/Mohinder: I'm Nathan Petrelli! The mayor!

The audience gasps.

Sylar: No, I'm Nathan Petrelli!

The audience gasps.

Reporter: They're both Nathan Petrelli! I'm seeing double!

The audience runs out of breath.

Claire, Micah, and Niki walk up to the front desk.

Claire: DING!

Tracy walks up.

Claire: Listen, something bad is going to happen if we don't….

Tracy: Hi Niki! I'm so glad you could make it!

Niki: We too! I've just been dying to get to the wedding and visit you all.

Claire: _You lying sack of crap!_ You've been complaining about going home the entire boat ride here!

Niki: We should totally catch up! I'll buy lunch.

Tracy: That's so sweet! Okay, let's go.

They run off.

Claire: HEY! I wasn't done….talking….

Micah: Now what?

Claire: We have to do this ourselves….with your technical skills and my combat training…

Micah: YEAH!

Claire: _…we'll be killed in seconds_….Where the hell is Hiro?...or anybody.

Micah: Peter?

Claire: Yeah, what's he up to?

Peter walks back into his room and sits on the bed.

Peter: Oh man….I don't think I can go through with this. I don't have any of those _feeling things_ for Caitlin….I should break it off….though I feel bad for trapping her in the future which was a plot that I had undone and technically never happened so my conscience should be clear…but….I don't know….what should I do, brother?

Peter holds up a _talking plush Nathan Petrelli doll he picked up from 7-11._

Peter: I wonder why this was on the clearance rack…

Peter pulls the string.

Nathan Doll (Barbie's voice): _Tee hee! Let's go get some ice cream and go check out guys on the beach!_

Peter: Dammit, Nathan! Not now!_ Can't you see I'm in the middle of a crisis!_

Matt is walking down the hall thinking to himself.

Matt: Got to plan a wedding, only have 23 hours until the wedding. I need someone who can assist me….and assistant…I think that's what they call them.

He spots _Jax, Sylar's assistant_, standing in line at Starbucks. Jax is about to take a drink.

Matt: YOU! Come with me!

Matt yanks Jax along with him, making him drop his coffee.

Jax: _My Macchiato! _

Later, in the Grand Hall of the Hotel.

Jax: What is this all about? You do know we're on different teams, right?

Matt: Hey, that's interesting. You need to help me plan a wedding. I owe it to Mrs. Petrelli….

Matt opens a pocket watch with her picture in it. It shows Angela, pointing her finger.

Matt: Where the hell did I get this?

Jax: Why would I help you? You're good, I'm evil. I don't want Samson to get married and have Angela be my boss' stepmother…it would just be weird.

Matt: Okay, you haven't done anything evil in like…._40 chapters_….just take what you can get.

Jax: Fine.

Jax flips a page on his clipboard with wedding information.

Jax: Where do we begin?

Matt: Excellent!

Claire and Micah round the corner, they see Steve holding Monica hostage.

Micah: What are you going to do? The only electronics in there is Steve's cell phone.

Claire: _Pirates don't use cell phones_!...Hmm…..He left me for dead…..I will get my revenge. The 'Kill Bill' way.

Micah: What? Did you _just_ see that movie?

Claire struts out wearing a skin tight yellow motorcycle suit with black stripes down the side. She whips out her katana.

Claire (shouting): _Captain Steve, of the fast food pirates!_

Steve spins around. Dramatic close up.

Claire: We have some…..unfinished business. Oh crap….I dropped my sword.

Claire bends over to pick it up…_RRRIIIIIIIIPPPP!_

Claire: EEK!

Micah: Uh….

Claire: Okay, maybe the skin tight suit was a bad idea.

Micah: I told you that _you were packed in there like a hickory smoked sausage!_

Claire: NOBODY ASKED YOU!

Claire turns her attention back to Steve.

Claire: Can I go change?

Steve: Fine.

Claire runs off while Micah shakes his head. Monica rolls her eyes.

Upstairs, Noah, Elle, and The Haitian are chasing down Dolph.

Noah: STOP!

Elle: I'm trying to get a clean hit.

Elle fires an electric bolt, but misses.

Elle: Crap!

Dolph turns a corner and continues down a hall. Elle puts her hands together and spreads them apart, a wall of electricity forms in front of Dolph.

Elle: Try running now, punk!

Dolph turns and grabs a lighter from his pocket, holding it up to the sprinkler. Water starts to shower all through the corridor.

Elle: EEK! Water…_HISS!_

Dolph turns to run through the dissolving electrical wall.

Dolph: You won't catch me! Do what I ask and I will stop the tide….

Dolph trips and falls on a room service cart. The force of the impact sends him flying into a window at the end of a hall. Dolph crashes through the glass. The three agents run up to the broken window and look down at the many stories below to see Dolph sprawled on the pavement.

Elle: Oh boy….

Noah: Not good.

Elle: Well, the bad guy's dead….

Noah: And with him our only chance to stop the incoming tide.

Elle has a shocked expression on her face….she reaches over to grab a muffin off the room service cart. Noah shoots her a look…..Elle continues to eat the muffin.

Matt is looking through some different bands to play at the wedding.

Matt: Feh! All these bands are terrible.

Jax: What is this?

Matt: What?

Jax: An order for _one thousand doves?_

Matt: Yes, I want the room to be covered with white feathers….like I'm in bird heaven.

Jax: Uh…..don't you think that's….a lot….

Matt: I wanted _infinity. _But the cap is a thousand.

Jax: What are they going to do?

Matt: I want the doves to be released as the brides are walking down the aisle. They will fly around for the rest of the ceremony.

Jax: Won't that get….._messy_.

Matt: Hmm…..OH….I see what you mean. Good call, assistant. We will supply _umbrellas to each guest_.

Jax: Eww!

Meanwhile…

Hiro: Excuse me, Molly? You haven't told me where Dimitri is yet.

Molly: I need your help, first.

Hiro: That's blackmail!

Molly: No it's not!

Ando: She's right. She's doing something nice for you….now you do something nice for her….it's called _being nice_.

Hiro: That's preposterous!

Molly: I'm due to perform at my school play, two of the actors dropped out.

Hiro: You want me to go back and time and have the performance canceled!

Molly: No.

Hiro: You want me to prevent you from joining the _Drama Club?_

Molly: No….I want you to…..perform.

Hiro: But I'll never remember my…(looks at script)….oh this isn't so bad. I will help you….._we will help you_.

Ando: UGH!

Later, on stage.

Ando: _Miss Havisham! Are you alright?_

Hiro (in a grey wig and old wedding dress): _Pip…is that you?_

Ando: It is, Miss Havisham! I have come to visit you.

Hiro: I'm sooo old…..AHH! My dress is on fire!

Molly storms on stage.

Molly: _What are you doing? _This is supposed to be _Les Miserables!_

Hiro: IT IS?...Wow….then I took these lines the wrong way.

Molly: The play is ruined!

Later. They were walking home.

Hiro: I think that went well.

Molly: Here is the location of your guy….thanks for nothing!

Hiro: _See you at the wrap party?_

Molly slams the door.

Hiro: I'm sure we'll get our invitations.

Ando: Can we just go?

Back at the hotel, there is a knock at the door. Peter opens it to find Caitlin, with a paper bag over her head.

Peter: Uh….

Caitlin: It's bad luck to see you before the wedding. Can you open the door?

Peter: It's…open?

Caitlin stumbles in. Peter shuts the door.

Caitlin: Well, I just want to with us both good luck with the wedding tomorrow.

Peter: Yeah….thanks…..good luck!

Caitlin: Good luck…Well, I'm going to head back.

She starts to walk out the door, sticking her hands out in front of her.

Caitlin: _Love you_.

Peter: _Love Youtube._

Caitlin stops, spins around, and rips off the paper bag.

Caitlin: Say "_I love you, too"_…._slowly_.

Peter: Uh…heh…okay….._I….Looooovee…..yooouuu….tuuuuu…buh._

Caitlin: A-HA!

Peter: Crap.

Caitlin: I can't believe you don't love me!

Peter: It's Nathan's fault!...See?

He holds up the plush doll and pulls the string.

Nathan Doll (_Cobra Commander Voice): _I'll get you next time, _G.I Joe!_

Peter: UGH! _This doll sucks_!

He tosses it.

Caitlin: That's it, mister….._the wedding is still on!_

Caitlin storms out.

Peter: I…uh…wait…what?

Peter runs out in the hall.

Peter: I'm lost!

Back outside, police have the crime scene taped off. The mysterious man and woman who watched Peter's plane go down walk up to the crime scene and stand over Dolph's body.

Woman: Hmm…..so he's dead.

Man: It's going to be difficult for him to stop the tide.

Woman: It's like you said….they'll stop it.

Man: Yes.

Woman: Why are you going through this much trouble just to get to one man?

Man: I didn't go through any trouble at all. _The prophecy has foretold this_. Fate has set all the pieces into place. I'm just taking advantage of that….I want to take away everything….from the man who took everything away from me…..

The man and woman walk up to a window overlooking the Grand Hall. _He watches Matt continue to plan the wedding_.

Man: All in due time…..

The two look at Dolph's body one more time….then they walk off.

_To Be Continued_.


	12. Wave Of Mutilation

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.12)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

**Author's Note: Sorry about another delay, my copy of this chapter got corrupted during transfer so I had to start over (arrgh). **

People are running around, screaming in a mass panic. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Claire and Steve stand off.

Steve: You ready for this?

Claire: I was born ready.

Steve: Have at you!

Claire: AHHH!

Steve: AHHH!

CLANG!

Steve gets wheeled away in a gurney; Claire limps out of the back room.

Micah: Claire! Are you allright?

Claire: Yeah, it was such a huge…._budget breaking battle_…

Micah: I didn't think we had those.

Claire: Oh yeah! Picture it…

Steve: Hadoken!

Steve fires off a huge fireball! Claire leaps over it, while in mid-air and upside down, she _spreads her legs and starts whirling toward Steve_.

Micah: What?

Claire: And then I gave him the old one-two and then I….

Paramedic (walking by): Poor guy, he was eating _WAY_ too much fast food, he dropped before he had a chance to pound on that girl…

Claire: Hello! I'm standing right here!

Micah: …..

Claire: Don't look at me like that…

Monica walks out.

Claire: The team is back together!

Monica: I quit.

Claire: WHAT?

Monica: I realized I'm just going to get kidnapped every time I'm with you, so I'm going to take some time to breathe.

Claire: Name one time you got kidnapped while you were with us.

Monica: Doyle's Café, The Hospital, and those Pirates.

Claire: Name two more times.

Monica: Bye!

She walks off.

Claire: Great, now we need to replace her. Stupid life…

Linderman is trying to sneak out. Mohinder/Nathan stops him.

Mohinder/Nathan: Fix this. Now!

Outside, the two mystery villains are…outside talking. A limousine pulls up.

Woman: Are you sure you don't want to come along, Max?

Max: I cannot, Lilith. I have to stay here and watch over our….

Lilith: Don't say _Heroes_.

Max: …I wasn't.

Lilith: Oh.

Max: Have a good trip to the amusement park. I will see you soon.

Lilith: Farewell.

Lilith gets in the limo as it pulls away, along the pavement reads:

_Chapter Twelve 'Wave Of Mutilation'_.

Max looks on as the limo disappears from view. He walks off.

**= = = Heroes = = =**

Peter is standing at the altar, waiting to get married. Caitlin walks down the aisle.

Peter: Okay, Peter, nothing to get worried about. It's only a wedding. You'll have plenty of opportunities to get this right….wait a minute.

Preacher: Do you, Peter….

A door gets kicked open, a man stands there with 4 associates with him.

Caitlin: Oh no, it's my ex-husband _Bill_.

Peter: Bill!

Bill and his associates start killing everybody in the church.

Peter: Oh crap, this has to be a dream. _Why did I watch Kill Bill before going to bed?_

The assassins and the corpses hop up and start disco dancing.

Peter: And why did I change the channel and watch _Saturday Night Fever_?

Aslan The Lion: Do not worry, Peter! I will guide you!

Peter: And….wait….I didn't watch The Chronicles of Narnia.

Aslan: You didn't! For that I am going to _eat you!_

Peter: NOOO!

Aslan pounces on Peter…who wakes up to the sound of his alarm.

Peter: Whew! That was close.

Aslan (in bed, turning over): _How dare you wake me up! I have to go to work in the morning!_

Peter: NOOO!

Aslan pounces on Peter again….who wakes up.

Peter: I don't want anything else to be reminded of this wedding. I'm going through with it and nothing can stop me!

The radio turns on.

Delilah: This is Delilah, churning out all the sappy love songs all night long. This next request goes out to Peter from his good friend, _Admiral Ackbar._

Ackbar: _IT'S A TRAP!_

Peter: AHHHH!

Peter hurls the radio across the room. A loud thud is heard.

Peter: Aslan?

Nathan: WHO!

Peter: Nathan? I thought you were dead….

Nathan: It's a long story. I was in Mohinder's body and he was in mine and Sylar….well, I don't know what was up with Sylar.

Peter: Mom made Matt make him think he was you.

Nathan: Doesn't she know that never works?

Peter: That's what I said!

Meanwhile, in the café.

Claire: I'm starting to think 'The Third Generation' is a waste.

Micah: Don't say that, Claire…..

Claire: …..

Micah sips his chocolate milk.

Claire: Is that it?

Micah: Yes….I have nothing positive to contribute.

Claire: Fantastic.

Samson Grey runs up.

Claire: EEK!

Samson: Change of plans. I don't need that Monica girl to pretend to be a preacher. Matt Parkman is going to do it.

Claire: He's not a minister!

Samson: He said he got his degree online.

Claire: They have everything online nowadays.

Samson: Anyway, Dolph is dead. So I don't have to worry about whether or not the wedding is legit…meaning he won't kill us with his powers.

Claire: Not caring.

Samson: Peter and Caitlin, as well as Angela and myself will be wed…in holy…wedness.

Micah: Wedness?

Claire: Hey! You're supposed to help me stop Peter's wedding.

Samson: Not caring.

Claire: You old coot!

Micah: Why is Angela Petrelli marrying you….?

Samson: I beg your pardon?

Claire: That was a little rude, Micah…..He meant to say _'What on Earth does my grandmother see in you?_' You're just gross.

Samson: That's not any better.

Samson pulls out a folder.

Samson: Isn't it obvious. _I'm such a stud._

Samson shows Claire his _portfolio_ _of self portraits_.

Micah: Uh….those are some abs you got for a….man of you…..advanced years.

Claire: FAKE! This isn't you….

Samson: Yes it is!

Claire: Oh my god….._did you photoshop your head on Marky Mark's body!_ I have this poster in my room.

Micah: Claire, his name isn't Marky Mark anymore….

Claire: Micah…..yes it is…..UGH! It's not even photo shopped, you just glued your head onto the picture. That is just pathetic!

Samson: Why do you care? He was Marky Mark when you were like…4!

Claire: You're not fooling anybody.

Samson: Grr!

He storms off.

Micah: Have you had that poster since you were 4?

Claire shifts her eyes.

Micah: Wow.

Claire: Stop looking at me like that!

Meanwhile, Hiro and Ando have to help Molly with her school play in order for her to fess up the location of Dimitri who kidnapped Daphne in the last episode.

Hiro: Ready, Ando.

Ando: Ready.

Hiro is in a white wedding dress, sitting in a chair.

Hiro: Is that you,_ Pip_?

Ando: Yes it is, Miss Havisham! I have come to see you.

Hiro: Isn't that sweet. Would you be a dearie and grab my teeth. I left them on the veranda.

Ando: Ew!

Hiro: AHHH! My wedding dress is on fire!

Ando: Let me put it out with this shot of malt liquor!

Hiro: AHHH!

Molly: _WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING!_

Ando: …

Hiro: ….The play you asked us to do…

Molly: First, you're totally butchering _Great Expectations_….and second, the play is about _Les Miserables!_

Hiro: Oh….

Ando: ..oh…..

Hiro: ….So….take it from the top.

Outside.

Ando: It's a good thing Molly gave us those instructions.

Hiro: And all we have to do is never talk to her again.

Ando: I hope we can find another person with GPS abilities.

Hiro: We will, Ando. We will.

Peter is getting ready for the wedding. Nathan walks in.

Nathan: So….big day, huh?

Peter: Yeah….you never imagine these things happened when you're a kid…..though then again I had a messed up childhood.

= = =Many years ago= = =

6 year old Peter: YEAH! DISTRUCTION!

Angela: This child is out of control, what am I going to do.

The doorbell rings. Angela opens the door.

Woman: My name is _Nanny Mcphee_! I will train your child to be a smart and productive member of society.

Peter: I got that bucket of water, Mom.

Peter trips and splashes Nanny McPhee with it.

Nanny McPhee: AHHH! AHHHHHH! _I'M MELTING!...MEEEELLLLTINGG!_

Peter: Why does that always happen!

End.

Nathan: And you're sure you want to go through with this?

Peter: I have to, Nathan. It is my destiny.

Nathan: No it's not!

Peter: I've been to the future, Nathan. It's a dark and scary place. Sylar was making waffles and Claire was all evil and Texas blew up.

Nathan: Peter, that was one of the hundreds of future possibilities that we keep preventing. That's not going to happen. I'd tell you to go into the future now but we'd find a way to prevent that too.

Peter: Exactly.

Nathan: Exactly what?

Peter: I know.

Nathan: Stop doing that!

Noah and Company are walking across the lobby, he spots Claire.

Noah: Claire? Why are you here?

Claire: Why wouldn't I come to Peter's wedding?

Noah: Oh yeah…..well, we're off. Dolph is dead and we must get back to the office to report.

Claire: Have fun.

Micah slurps.

Claire: Are you still drinking that same chocolate milk!

Hiro shows up in a warehouse. Dimitri is there.

Dimitri: How did you find me?

Hiro: With the help of a friend….no…_a Hero!_

Cut to _Hiro's wedding dress being on fire_.

Ando: What was that?

Hiro: I can't do cutaways or flashbacks with her either. She's that miffed….

Ando: She'll get over it.

Hiro: She made me sign a contract in _blood!_

Ando: She hates you.

Dimitri: Let's settle this…._without powers_.

Hiro: Really?...Um….okay, that'll work.

Ando runs off, he opens a closet to find Daphne, tied up.

Ando (ungagging her): How are you faster than someone who can _stop time_ but not faster than someone who basically has the same power as both you and Hiro?

Daphne: He drugged my coffee. \

Ando: That makes…..sense.

Hiro (pulling out a sword): Why are you doing this?

Dimitri: I was hired to kill you….now I won't fail.

Dimitri and Hiro both start clashing their swords.

Meanwhile in the main wedding hall of the Hotel.

Matt: This is a disaster!

Jax: Now what? You've been complaining non stop! You're worse than Sylar!

Matt: Now that was just rude.

Matt walks over to the old woman playing the organ.

Matt: This old woman won't do!

Jax: She's a wonderful piano player.

Matt: I don't need wonderful…I need '_okay'_. You…_Grandma Clampett_….hit the road!

Jax: You just fired her?

Matt: Yes, this will be the greatest wedding of all time. Who is next on my list.

Matt pulls out a '_Fire These People' _list:

Organ Player  
Flower Girl  
Caterer  
Minister  
Bride

Matt: One down….four to go.

Jax: Groan.

Mohinder is running through the hallway into the lobby, he makes his way to the front desk where Niki and Tracy are talking.

Tracy: I love what you've done with your hair!

Niki: Oh…_this old thing?_

She flips it…_a rat falls out and scurries across the floor._

Niki: Ew!

Mohinder: You guys! Terrible news!

Niki: Are you Mohinder or Nathan?

Mohinder: Huh?...Oh, Linderman fixed that.

Niki: Uh…ok.

Mohinder: According to my reports, the alignment of the sun is going to cause the giant tidal wave to crash against the hotel.

Niki: …

Tracy: ….

Mohinder: I also read that the culprit is none other than _Dolph!_

Niki: We know this.

Tracy: We do?

Mohinder: Now that he's dead, he's already adjusted the alignment of the moon! We can't change it back!

Niki: Do you seriously know all this?

Mohinder: We have to do something!

Meanwhile…_The Wedding Of Forever has begun._

Jax: The wedding of forever?

Matt: You don't like it?

Jax: Uh….not really.

Matt: There's no time to change it! I have to play the wedding march, pass out flowers, serve food, marry the couples…

Jax: What were you going to do after _firing the bride?_ Since she's on this list…

Matt: Uh….what?

Jax: You totally just heard me!

Matt: The wedding has begun!

Peter and Samson take their places at the altar.

Peter: I better not get killed again.

Angela and Caitlin, in their dresses, are about to walk down the aisle. Matt runs over to the organ and smashes a few keys.

BONK!

Everyone in the audience exchange looks with each other. They start humming the wedding march. Angela and Caitlin fight over who walks in front of whom. They end up sprinting down the aisle. Matt grabs the basket of flowers and dumps them on the ground. He runs up to the altar.

Matt: Crap, I forgot to serve the food….oh well. Who is first?

Samson: We are!

Caitlin: Grr….

Matt: Samson…father of Sylar…where is Sylar?

Sylar is in the audience, with an ice pack over his head.

Matt: Samson…do you take this manipulative woman…Angela.

Angela: What?

Samson: I do!

Matt: And Angela, do you take this villain…

Samson: I'm not a villain.

Matt: For your husband?

Angela: I can't…..I'm sorry, Samson. I only led you astray just to further my business.

Samson: How would that of worked?

Angela: I don't know…it just sounded good on the plane.

Matt: Mozeltov! Now _get the hell off my stage! _SHOO!

Matt pushes Angela and Samson aside.

Angela: OOF!

Matt (snapping): Step it up! Step it up!

Peter and Caitlin run up.

Matt: Caitlin?

Caitlin: YES!...Err….I do.

Matt: Um….okay. Peter, do you wish to decline her hand in marriage?

Peter: I do…wait…what?

Caitlin: Huh?

Matt: _!_ Conratulations!

Caitlin: Wait a damn minute! What's the big idea?

Ricky (who is sitting in the audience) stands up, confused.

Matt: Well, you see, Peter wanted to marry you only out of guilt for locking you into the future, a storyline that ended up never happening though the simple act alone ate him up. You Caitlin, were only using Peter to gain access to the country to start a line of terrible Irish Pubs.

Peter: What are you saying?

Matt: Don't feel bad. We all make mistakes. Get over it and don't marry someone just out of guilt.

Peter: Okay!

Claire (in the audience): OH COME ON! I TOLD HIM THAT LIKE….100 TIMES!

Caitlin: How did you know all this?

Matt: I can read minds, my dear.

Peter: Yeah….but _you never use your power when you're supposed to_.

Matt: What? I can't save the day once in a while?

Peter: Uh….no?

Matt: hmm….oh well, get off of the stage. If everybody would like to join me in the mess hall I'll be serving food.

Caitlin: Who am I going to marry?

The doors bust open.

Steve (the fast food pirate): I will!

Everyone gasps.

Claire: Didn't you have a heart attack?

Steve: False alarm. I'll marry you and together we'll build our chain of Irish Pubs. I can have all the food I want.

Caitlin: I'll marry you! Say…um…Matt?

Matt (wheeling in a cart of food): Huh?...Oh yeah….you two are married.

Caitlin and Steve kiss.

Claire: Is there a gas leak in here? That would never happen. What kind of Island is this?

A polar bear sitting next to Claire takes his hat off.

Polar: It's elementary, my dear.

Claire: I need to get out of here.

Meanwhile, _the real disaster is occurring_.

Mohinder, Niki and Tracy run outside on the roof of the hotel. Huge waves start making their way to the hotel.

Niki: So….how do we deal with this?

Tracy: Let me try….

Tracy hold up her hands as a giant tidal wave is about to strike the building. The surface of the water starts to freeze. Ice spreads across the water and up the side of the wave. She stops as the three of them look as a giant ocean filled with ice.

Niki: You did it!

Tracy: All in a days work.

People start screaming.

Man: Where did all this ice come from?

Woman: The world is ending! AHHHH!

Niki: Hmm.

Mohinder: Uh…huh…

Tracy: Okay, maybe I didn't think this all the way through.

Meanwhile, at the warehouse. Hiro and Dimitri are still fighting. Ando and Daphne are watching from the sidelines.

Daphne: You know, he could totally cheat and freeze time and end this mess.

Ando: And fight without honor? Hiro doesn't do that!

Daphne: Is that so?

Hiro: Wait, wait, wait!

Dimitri: What is it now? You keep stopping!

Hiro: I….have a leg cramp.

Dimitri: Just admit defeat.

Dimitri raises his sword.

Hiro: AHHH!

Dimitri raises his sword.

Hiro: AHHHH!

Dimitri raises his sword.

Daphne: Gawd! _Get on with it!_

Hiro: Hey….

A mountain lion comes out of nowhere and pounces on Dimitri.

Hiro: Aslan?...Oh wait, that was Peter's dream…

The Mountain Lion mauls Dimitri, pieces of his clothing fly into the air.

Daphne: Now this is a fight.

Hiro is about to step in when the mountain lion glares at him.

Ando: Aren't you going to do something?

Hiro: I….I….I have to go do something.

Hiro teleports out of there.

Ando: Uh….

Daphne: Uh….yeah….

Ando: ….You hungry?

Daphne: I am, actually.

Mohinder, Tracy, and Niki are on the roof as the world is ending. Hiro appears.

Mohinder: Hiro? What are you doing here?

Hiro: I'm going to do something.

Hiro rewinds time enough to reverse the ice effect. He concentrates, time stands still as he makes only the moon revert back to it's original position before Dolph changed it. He collapses as time resumes.

Mohinder: What just happened?

Niki: Why is Hiro here?

Tracy: And….where are the tidal waves?

The three of them stand there as Hiro is unconscious. Meanwhile in the limousine, Lilith opens her eyes. Her phone rings.

Lilith: Yes, Max?

Max: Did you do what I think you did?

Lilith: Dimitri was getting in the way….I just…helped push things along.

Max chuckles.

Max: I understand. See you soon.

Max hangs up. Lilith sits back and stares out the window.

On the airplane back to New York, Elle is asleep as the news is playing on her portable tv.

Reporter: Scientists are completely stumped about how the sun and moon have not changed positions in several days. New reports are coming in how the stoic position of the moon has knocked an asteroid into the passage of the Earth. The damage would be…._extraordinary_.

Tracy: Um, Niki….why is Mohinder smiling creepily like that?

Niki: Oh, somebody said his word. He does that….it's stupid.

Meanwhile, in Peter's apartment…The portrait of the Tidal Wave lights on fire, leaving the remaining three. The next one showing the picture of the asteroid headed toward Earth.

_To Be Continued_…


	13. The Fall

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.13)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

Ando is walking down the corridor to a hospital, he turns into Hiro's room.

Hiro: Ando! You've come to visit. How kind…

Ando: You do realize this is your 12th trip to the hospital.

Hiro: Oh well, it's not like they're going to notice.

Intercom: _Dr. Miller, please report to The Nakamura Wing. Dr. Miller to the Nakamura wing, please._

Ando: They named a _wing_ after you?

Hiro: You get that on your 6th visit.

Ando: So…let me make sure I have this. You were fighting Dimitri back at the warehouse….then a_ mountain lion_ comes in and tells you something. You then head off to this place called _Bongo Island_ and manipulate time and space to alter the position of the moon for some undisclosed reason.

Hiro: ….yes?

Ando: I've heard crazier things.

Claire runs into her house, the Bennet's are in the living room.

Claire: Hello, hello!

Noah: And what has you in such a good mood, Claire Bear?

Claire: My old school…you know….the old stomping grounds back in my day…

Lyle: Didn't you graduate like, 6 months ago?

Claire: They are inviting me back to teach!

Sandra: ….

Lyle: ….

Noah: ….

Muggles: ….

Claire: ….Cheerleading!

Sandra: Oh…

Lyle: Ah…

Noah: That makes sense.

Claire: Hmm….anyway, can you imagine….the cheerleaders of tomorrow….shaped by my wisdom and experience.

Lyle: It's just Cheerleading. Calm down, spaz.

Claire: You calm down!

Claire and Lyle start slapping each other.

5 minutes of fighting later….Lyle limps on crutches back to his room while Claire (who has a portion of her hair tied in a giant knot) proceeds into her bedroom.

Claire: I better get started.

Downtown, Nathan walks into his office to start a brand new day of Mayoring.

Nathan: What the hell!

Stuff is being town down….Tracy is packing up things in a box.

Tracy: Oh, hello Nathan.

Nathan: Uh…Tracy? What is going on here?

Tracy: You were impeached out of office.

Nathan: _Impeached?_

Tracy: The people have spoken.

Nathan: _The people?_

Tracy: You didn't attend the cities most prestigious event honoring _Twilight_, '_Twi-Con 2010'_.

Nathan: _Twilight?_

Tracy: Tons of people love that book/movie….they wanted their mayor to do the same.

Nathan: That's absurd. I can like whatever I want! And Twilight isn't one of them. All the people need now is a _leader_; they can't throw me out of office.

Nathan runs over to the window.

Nathan: People of New York. Your mayor has returned!

Passerby: _Do you like Twilight?_

Nathan: Uh..no.

Later on the curb, Nathan is crying into his now fully grown beard while Tracy holds the box.

Nathan: _I can't believe they threw me out of office. _I didn't think they could do that for such a stupid reason.

Tracy: Well, it's been nice working for you.

Nathan: You're leaving?

Tracy: Uh….yeah, have to find a job and all.

Nathan: We still have work to do…watch!

Nathan runs over and sets up a '_5 Cent Psychiatric Help Booth'._ _A bald man wearing a yellow and black zig zag shirt sits down._

Charlie: I don't know what to do. My wife and kids left me for _Linus_…lost the house in the divorce….and I'm starting to smell worse than _Pig Pen_!

Nathan: Oh Charlie Brown…_You Blockhead!_

Nathan looks over to see Tracy has already left.

Nathan: Hmm…

He looks at Charlie Brown.

Nathan: Hey, you read the sign….5 cents, pal!

He holds up a can reading:

_Chapter Thirteen 'The Fall'_

We pan out into outer space, where a wild asteroid is making its way towards Earth.

= = = **Heroes **= = =

Nathan is throwing some clothes into a suitcase. Peter is helping him pack.

Peter: Man, bro….that really sucks you got kicked out of office.

Nathan: The people have spoken….The people are nuts….

Peter: What are you going to do?

Nathan: I don't know….I was hoping there was a _certain brother…_

Peter: ….

Nathan: …._a certain brother who would help me out…_

Peter: ….

Nathan: …_who would let me move in_…

Peter: …..

Nathan: ….Peter, I need to move in with you.

Peter: …._Are you trying to say something?_

Nathan: I just said it.

Peter: Nathan, you can talk to me, bro. Anything you need…just ask.

Nathan: I JUST ASKED IT!

Peter: Don't be shy…we're family. Here is my card….call me….I'm here for you.

Nathan: This is a _Subway Sandwich Card_….and it's been used.

Peter: And I did it for you….

Nathan: Well, that's just great! Where am I supposed to…?

Peter: …

Nathan: Oh no….

Peter nods.

Nathan: Not….not…..No! There is no way in hell I am staying with…

A door opens.

Nathan: MA! My aren't you looking lovely today!

Angela: Aw…how sweet.

She slams the door in Nathan's face.

Nathan (to a passerby): She's so supportive.

Elsewhere, a car pulls up into the driveway of D.L's house. Niki gets out of the car to find Matt and Mohinder sitting in an empty plot where the house used to be.

Niki: AHHH!...EHHH!...What?...What! What is this?...What's going on?

Mohinder: Uh oh, Niki's back.

Matt: Hold your breath, she won't see us.

Niki walks up to them.

Niki: Where is the house!

Matt: They took it!

Niki: Who?

Mohinder: The bank, I'm assuming. D.L's in prison and none of us have jobs so who was paying the mortgage?

Niki: …..Uh…..

Mohinder: Pretty much.

Niki: Well….now what?

Matt: I have the perfect job for us…..

Niki: Oh no. I don't think so….the last time you got us jobs we had to design _Claire's prom dress_!

= = =A few years ago= = =

Niki: You know…I'm glad we're helping out Claire and all….but do we have to wear these _ridiculous outfits_?

Matt: By order of _Disney_, we have to look like the Sleeping Beauty Fairies…

Niki is dressed as Flora, The Red Fairy.

Mohinder is dressed as Fauna, The Green Fairy.

Matt is dressed as Merryweather, The Blue Fairy.

Niki: Whatever….this dress just needs a finishing touch…

Niki takes out her wand and zaps the dress. It changes color.

Niki: Pink is perfect!

Matt: Oh, dream on, sister….it needs to be….

Matt zaps the dress.

Matt: Blue!

Niki: Hey, I have seniority over you. Step off!

She changes it back to pink. Matt changes it to Blue.

Matt: Obviously not.

Mohinder: Guys….do we have to fight….it's supposed to be Green.

Mohinder zaps the dress.

Niki: Shut up, Mohinder!

She zaps Mohinder, whose fairy dress turns pink. He zaps her back.

Niki: How dare you!

ZAP!

Mohinder: You foolish shrew!

ZAP!

Matt: Let's change this dress back to the way it was…..Blue!

Niki: Don't touch that dress!

ZAP!

Matt: Hey….grr…Why you little…

ZAP!

Niki: Take that!

ZAP!

Mohinder: AHH! You got me in the face…my face is pink! Oh no, no, no, no….

ZAP!

Mohinder: Quit it!

ZAP!

Mohinder: STOP ZAPPING ME!

Claire walks in….shocked. Niki, Mohinder and Matt look at her. They look at the dress which exploded in a million pieces of multi colored cloth.

Claire: My dress!

Matt: No worries….

Matt scoops up some of the pieces….and runs over and throws them in Claire's face.

Matt: You. Look. Amazing!...Right, guys?

Niki and Mohinder: Yeah….Oh yeah….definitely….sure….stunning…..yeah….

Claire: …..

= = =End= = =

Later, at The Company.

Noah: Curses!

He slams his fist on his desk. Elle peeks her head in his office.

Elle: Problems, Mr. B?

Noah: The Company is hemorrhaging money! We need to get things flowing or we'll be in big trouble.

Elle: You'll have to stay at home full time….._with the Missus_.

Noah has quick flashbacks of Sandra forcing him to potty train _Mr. Muggles _using the toilet.

Noah (catatonic): No…..not again….

Elle: Mr. B?...(she snaps her fingers)….Oh crap, I broke him.

DING! DONG!

Elle: OOOH! A customer!

Elle runs to the front door of the office and opens it to find Micah.

Elle: Micah Sanders?...What are you doing here?

Micah: I have a business proposition for you.

A suspicious Elle looks on in suspense….we zoom dramatically close to her face. Her check _smashes up against the screen_.

Elle: Seriously, Bill, _you need to learn how to use that zoom function_…

Nathan is lying down in his old bunk bed at Angela's house.

Nathan: I sure am glad ma was able to let me stay over.

Peter: You said it, Bro.

Nathan: I was talking to myself….wait…._Peter?_ What the hell?

Nathan rolls out of the bottom bunk and looks at Peter on the top bunk, with a blanket over his head, holding a flashlight over a book.

Nathan: What are you doing?

Peter: What does it look like? I'm reading '_The Nancy Drew Mysteries: The Clue Is In The Pudding_'. It's about this world famous chef who gets murdered in his own kitchen. (He turns to his book)…._Chapter 1: The Butler Did It_…UGH! What a rip-off!

Nathan: THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!...Why are you here? Don't you have a home!

Peter: Rude…..well…..it's this whole…big mess…..I'd rather not get into it.

Nathan: So….we both have to stay here?

Peter: Pretty much…..

Nathan: Groan….

Matt runs over to Niki and Mohinder, who are sitting on the side of the road.

Matt: Guess what! Janice is a realtor; she is able to get us a sweet condo downtown.

Niki: Really? How much?

Matt: 3 bed, 3 bath….pretty sweet gig.

Niki: The price, doofus.

Matt: Um….she didn't mention that….I think I get a discount for…..you know….. since we used to be married. I think we get it for free!

Niki: I've never heard of 100 percent off _ex-husband discounts_.

Matt: Niki….it's 2010….times have changed…..

Niki: uh huh…..

Meanwhile, at Matt's new condo.

Niki: Wow, Matt. I have to hand it to you. This place looks fantastic.

Matt: Yeah, I know.

Niki: Well…Now that we have this new place we'll have to get jobs of course…

Mohinder: Because that worked so well _a few chapters ago_.

Niki: I don't care what you two do. I have dreams, dammit!

Elle opens the office door to find Niki standing there.

Elle: Sis!

Niki: I'm not your sister. I want my job back.

Elle: Sure! You'll have to take it up with the new management. _We've been bought out_.

Niki: Who in the world would buy The Company? HA! HA!...

Niki is sitting across from her interviewer…_Micah_.

Niki: …_ha?_

Micah: Good Afternoon, Mrs. Sanders…..or _Mom_! Hee, hee….

Niki: This isn't weird at all. Micah, what are you doing here?

Micah: I took our resources from the Third Generation and merged with The Company. I bought them out!

Niki: You can do that!

Micah: Sure! So….I'm sure we can start you off tomorrow.

Niki: Great! So….since I'm an agent again, who's my partner? HA! HA!...

Niki is sitting across from Mohinder at her desk.

Niki: …_ha?_...UGH!

Mohinder: Why, hello there, Niki! I didn't know you got a job here too.

Niki: I have to do _desk work_! Where is Noah?

Mohinder: He's the sandwich guy. Ooh! It's lunch time!

Noah: _SANDWICH!_

Niki gets pelted in the back of the head with a turkey sandwich.

Niki: OW!...Well….what's Elle doing?

Mohinder: She's the _backup generator in case the electricity goes out_.

Niki: Some girls have all the luck.

Micah walks out of his office.

Micah: Attention! We have an emergency on our hands. As you all know, thanks to something stupid Hiro did, an asteroid is hurdling toward Earth. We are going to have a meeting on this. I need The Haitian, The Backup Generator, and The Sandwich guy to report to my office immediately.

Niki: HEY!

Micah closes the door.

Micah: Okay, guys. What have you got?

Noah: Well, it's obvious that when this asteroid hits….millions of people are going to die.

Elle: Yes, they are!

Micah: Elle has a point. We need to nip this in the bud.

Noah: Hey, I said that! Not her!

Micah: Any suggestions?

Noah: Well, going through the archives we need someone who can blow up the asteroid.

Micah: As in….they have the ability?

Noah: Yes…And if Elle would like to take credit on anything else I'm pointing out.

Elle: Nah, I'm good.

Noah: This is the man for the job.

Noah plops a yellow envelope on Micah's desk. He opens it up to find a picture of _Ted Sprague_.

Micah: Uh….isn't he….?

Noah: Don't worry about it. We'll get him.

Elle and The Haitian nod. Elle is eating a sandwich.

Noah: HEY! You have to pay for that.

Elle: Pay for what?

Elle crams the rest of the sandwich in her mouth. She immediately starts choking.

Micah: Okay, team. Let's move out.

Noah and The Haitian run out of the office while Elle flops on the floor, finally coughing out her sandwich.

Elle: Ugh….._jerks_.

_To Be Continued_…


	14. Bring It Off

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.14)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

Peter: _Previously On Heroes…_

Nathan (To Tracy): What is this?

Tracy: You've been removed from office.

Nathan: Where will I stay?

Angela opens the door to her house.

Claire (To The Bennet Family): I've been offered a job as a Cheerleader Teacher at my old school!

Noah: This company is losing money! We have to get our act together.

Micah (To Elle): I have a business proposition for you.

Niki (To Elle): I need my job back.

Elle: Talk to the new management.

Micah (To Niki): We can fit you in somewhere.

Matt: Janice is a realtor, we got ourselves a sweet condo!

Micah: There's an asteroid headed towards Earth.

Noah: There's only one man for the job.

Micah opens the folder to find a picture of _Ted Sprague_.

Claire is on the football field. She holds up a megaphone.

Claire: TWO! FOUR! SIX! EIGHT!...

A group of aspiring cheerleaders stand in front of Claire, clueless.

Claire: …._TEN! TWELVE! FOURTEEN!_

The cheerleaders look at each other.

Claire: Welcome, future cheerleaders of the world. I am your mentor, Claire Bennet. And I will be teaching you the art….of the cheer. Let's do some warm ups.

Claire holds up her megaphone again. On the side it reads:

_Chapter Fourteen 'Bring It Off'_

Claire (into the megaphone): …_Oh…Crap…_

Claire locks her sights on a sidewalk outside of the school to see _Matt_ wheeling a hot dog cart.

Matt: Oh my gosh! _CLAIRE!_ Is that you?

Claire: NO! NO IT'S NOT! You are mistaken, sir.

Matt: I'm coming over to say hi!

Claire: DON'T!

Matt: I'm about to get off work!

Matt pushes the hot dog cart into the street as a car slams into it. He starts running toward the field.

Claire (crying): DAMMIT!...

Meanwhile, through the scope of a sniper rifle, _Noah Bennet_ waits outside of Ted Sprague's apartment in a parking lot across the street. Elle and The Haitian are with him.

Elle: UGH! This is so boring. Let me hold the sniper rifle.

Noah: No way! We are to hunt one person and one person only…_Ted Sprague_.

Haitian: Uh….I think we're supposed to request his help….not kill him.

Noah: Same thing.

Noah holds up the rifle, aiming sights on his front door.

Noah: He's got to come out sometime.

Elle: Seriously, Mr. B! I want to hold the gun.

Noah: NO!

Elle: Gimme!

Noah: No, I said!

Noah turns his attention back on the front door _which closes_.

Noah: DAMN! I missed him. Thanks a lot!

Elle: Shut up!

Noah: You shut up!

They start slapping each other. The Haitian shakes his head.

Niki is sitting at a desk….at _The Company Sans Deux_.

Niki: Which is a horrible name. They could've just as easily changed it back to just _The Company_….idiots.

Mohinder, who is sitting across from her.

Mohinder: No talking!

Niki: You're not my boss!

Mohinder: No, but I am your superior. I was hired first.

Niki: By like…an hour!

Mohinder: I still outrank you.

Niki rolls her eyes. She looks at a clock in front of her, the minutes are going slowly. She concentrates really hard on the clock.

Mohinder: What are you doing?

Niki: This day will be over before you know it…..

The minute hand clicks forward.

Niki: YATTA!

Mohinder: Congratulations, you just made time jump _one minute faster than it was a minute ago_. Watch out, Hiro…..

Niki: Hmph!...

Meanwhile, there is a knock on the door. At Angela's house.

Angela (standing in front of the door): Oh god, I hope it's not Nathan.

Nathan (behind her): _I'm already here!_

Angela: Oh yeah, forgot about that.

She opens the door to find _Samson Grey_, holding roses.

Angela: Samson! What is the meaning of this?

Samson: Angela, my darling! I made a terrible mistake! Please! Take me back!

Angela: Uh….I broke off the marriage with you…not the other way around.

Samson: But….doesn't me taking the blame kinda…..help?

Angela: No…..I mean it's a definite start….but it's over, Samson. Goodbye!

She closes the door gently.

Nathan (inside): How come the door gets closed gently on him and I get slammed in the face!

Samson: I will win her back.

Girl Scout: Good luck, Mister. The only thing she cares about is sponsoring her _granddaughter's cheerleading team_.

Samson: What kind of cookies are those?

Girl Scout: Samoa's!

3 minutes later.

Samson (finishing off the cookies): I got an idea! I know what I must do….

Girl Scout: Are you going to pay for those?

Samson: No.

= = = **HEROES **= = =

Peter is on the phone, he calls Claire.

Claire (answering her cell): What do you want, Peter?

Peter: Ahh, _hostile!_

Claire: I'm sorry….I'm coaching a cheerleading team and Matt is ruining everything.

She clamps her mouth shut…realizing what she has just done.

Peter: Did you say…..

Claire: NO! NO I DIDN'T!

Peter drops the phone. He crosses his arms and teleports.

Claire (on the phone): Peter?

Peter appears behind her.

Clarie: AHHH! Peter? Where the hell did you come from?...And when can you teleport?

Peter: Don't ask….

-Last night flashback-

Nathan is watching tv. Peter enters the room, dancing. His hands are together moving them side to side.

Peter: Nathan! Help!

Nathan: Dude, what's with the Bollywood dancing thing?

Peter: I ran into Monica at the store and took her power and came home to watch a six hour marathon of _I Dream Of Jeannie on Nick At Nite _and I can't stop dancing. Help me, Nathan! I'm so tired I'm going to throw up!

Nathan grabs a beer bottle from the table and sets it next to Peter. Peter gets sucked into the bottle.

Peter: WAAAAHHH!

Nathan: WOW! That actually worked! Cool!

Peter: _This is not my magic lamp!...Hic!_

-End-

Peter: And that's also why I'm a little drunk.

Claire has her megaphone stuffed over her head.

Meanwhile….in the parking lot.

Noah: Almost….come out already!

Elle and The Haitian are playing _Jacks_.

Haitian: What an unusual game.

Elle: This game sucks, that's what it is! I can't get past _one-sies!_

Noah (looking through the scope): OOH! THE DOOR OPENED!

Elle and The Haitian run over.

Elle: That's doesn't look like Ted Sprague.

_Maya Herrera steps out of her apartment_.

Elle: Mr. B! That's Maya from _Season 2!_ This address is way off.

Noah: Well, Mohinder gave it to me….so it's his fault. It is like his first day or something.

Elle: This is what you get for not letting me hold the gun.

Maya spots Noah holding the rifle across the street. She screams and runs around in a panic.

Noah: Now look what you did!

Elle: I didn't do that!

Maya starts seeping _black poison from her eyes_.

Noah: Is that what I think it is?

Elle: That black crap coming from her eyes? You bet. It's pure oil! _Bubbling crude! Black gold! Texas Tea! _It's…_OH MY GOD MY EYES!_

Noah and The Haitian look at Elle. Black poison is seeping from her eyes as well.

Elle: Is my mascara running?

The Haitian screams and falls to the floor. Poisons seeps from his eyes.

Noah: Oh this is unbelievable. You two are just…ooohhhhhAAAAAHHHH! WHAT IS THAT! WHAT IS THAT!

Noah starts crying poison.

Elle: IT BURNS! AHHHHH!

Noah (To The Haitian): Make her stop!

Haitian: I can't!...AHHHH!

Elle: AHHHHH!

Noah: AHHHHH!

The poison gets on Elle's clothes. Noah slips and flops into a pool of it.

Noah: We have to stop the poison or were going to die!

Elle: It's not poison! _It's Black Gold! Texas Tea!_

Noah: _SHUT UP ABOUT THAT!_

Elle: You shut up!

She scoops up some black muck and slings it at Noah.

Noah: Seriously?

Haitian: I can't feel my face! I can't feel my face!

Elle: Noah….Mr. B…..Whatever…..you have to shoot her!

Noah: Huh?

Elle: If she's dead it'll stop.

Haitian: She's probably right.

Noah: I can't see! There's too much goop!

Noah aims the gun while Maya is still screaming.

Elle: SHOOT HER!

Noah: I can't see, dammit!

Elle and Haitian: SHOOT HER!

Elle: SHOOT HER NOW!

Noah fires and misses, hitting Maya's car. It explodes.

Maya: My car! AHHH! I'm so stressed!

Poisons starts flooding out of her eyes.

Noah: AHHH!

Elle: _Now it's even worse!_

Noah (face covered in black goop): Somebody….call Micah…..call 911…..

Elle: My eyes feel like somebody put toothpicks in them and plucked them out like olives!

Noah and The Haitian hold each other, screaming.

Noah: Why didn't we get Mohinder and those idiots to do this?

Elle tries to put _Visine Eye Drops _in her eyes.

Meanwhile, back on the football field. The cheerleaders are stretching. Matt and Peter discuss.

Peter: We need the most awesome of awesome cheers if we want to win the big game.

Claire: A) There isn't a game coming up. And B) The cheer doesn't determine the winning of the game….the uh…_players are kinda responsible for that_.

Peter and Matt are shocked.

Peter: Cheering has nothing to do with it?

Matt: Claire, I think Pete and I have a little more experience in this field than you.

Claire: WHAT! It's your first day! I've been doing this almost my entire life!

Matt: And you call yourself a Cheerleader….

Peter: TSK! TSK!

Claire: UGH! This can't get any worse…

Claire turns around to see _Samson _in a male cheerleaders outfit.

Samson: Hello, Krystal.

Claire: My name is Claire! _Who the hell is Krystal?_

Samson: I think that name suits you better. Anyway, I came to challenge your team to a cheer-off.

Claire: WHOA! Back up….why?...Just….why?...Why this?

Samson: I'm doing it to win back the heart of your Grandmother.

Claire: Gross. Anyway….forget it. I want nothing to do with you or your messed up family.

Samson: I think you'd be happy to oblige….or I'll tell everybody you're cheating on your boyfriend!

Claire: I don't have a boyfriend….wait….

Claire notices Samson holding a book, she swipes it.

Claire: You cut out a picture of my head and _taped it on the front of one of those crappy Harlequin Romance Novels_!

Samson: It's a book I'm passing around the school. It took forever to replace all of the main heroine's names with _Claire. _

Claire: Why didn't you just find a book where the main chick's name is _Claire_.

Samson: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

Claire: It's a common name….it wouldn't have been hard.

Samson: Not listening.

Claire: Hell, you could have _wrote_ your own book.

Samson: I'm…..(he looks off into the distance).

Claire: What….what are you doing?

Samson: …._I'll be back._

Claire: Oh my god! _Somebody rip out my tongue!_

Peter: I've tried that. _It just grows back_.

Matt: Neat!

Niki is still bored at the office.

Niki: So…Mohinder.

Mohinder: Why are you still talking, subordinate?

Niki: It's really neat working in an office in the big city like this.

Mohinder: You act like this is the first time we've done this job.

Niki: But we were agents back then. Now we're in the office living it up…..we're like those cool cats from _Mad Men_.

-Circa 1960-

Niki walks into the office.

Niki: Hello, Mohinder. Isn't is great living in the Swingin Sixties.

Mohinder: It sure is. Let's dance.

Niki and Mohinder get on their desks and start dancing.

Niki: I'm doing…_The Flapper!_

Mohinder: I'm doing…._The Charleston!_

Niki: I'm doing…._The One-Two Boogaloo!_

Mohinder: I'm doing…._The Electric Girdle! _

Niki: What is that?

Mohinder: I don't know!

-Present Day-

Mohinder: _You've never watched a single episode of Mad Men. Have you?_

Niki: I have not.

The door slams open. Noah, Elle, and Mohinder walk in….covered in black goop.

Mohinder: Oh my….

Niki: What the hell happened to you guys?

Noah: We had a run in with _Miss Herrera_.

Niki: Maya?

Elle: Yeah….Mohinder gave us a bogus address.

Mohinder: My mistake….so…um….._Did Maya ask about me?_

Noah: You're fired.

The three of them walk away.

Niki: Wow….Mohinder….you….are pathetic!

Mohinder: Don't judge me…..I'm your superior.

Niki: _You just got fired!_

Mohinder: That doesn't matter….

Back on the field.

Claire: Okay, girls. Now that those two are gone…..let's practice some cheers.

Claire picks up her pom poms.

Claire: _Who do we want? THE WILDCATS! Who do we want to win? THE WILDCATS! What's that team again? THE WILDCATS!_

Cheerleader: This school is the _Eagles_.

Other Cheerleader: Did you even go to this school?

Matt and Peter show up.

Matt: Thanks Claire, we'll take it from here.

Claire: I didn't ask for your help!

Matt: Okay, ladies. Peter and I have been practicing. And…..hit it!

Peter: You put your right hand in…..

Matt: You put your right hand out….

Claire: Oh lord.

Peter: You put your right hand in…..

Matt: And you shake it all about…..

Matt and Peter: _You do the Hokey Pokey then you_…..

Claire: ENOUGH!

Matt: Well, if you're going to have THAT attitude. I guess you won't be participating in the game we signed you up for.

Claire: You did what now?

Matt: Big game. Tonight!

Claire: Tonight! We haven't practiced.

Peter: That's okay….ladies just do everything Claire says. Matt and I have to go place our bets.

Claire: My head hurts.

Later….Noah, Elle, and The Haitian are at The Olive Garden Restaurant.

Elle: Well, Mr. B. I have to say this is very nice of you to take your top two agents out to a fancy meal.

Noah: Phhff! Yeah right. Buy your own food. I'm here on a mission.

Elle: HOW RUDE!

Noah: Micah was able to do a background check on Mr. Sprague and that he is currently employed at _this_ Olive Garden.

Elle: What makes you think he'll be our waiter?

Noah: I didn't think about that.

Waitress: Hello, welcome to Olive Garden, I'm your waitress, _Maya_.

The three look at Maya Herrera who is about to take their order.

Noah: Oh crap….

Maya: You are the ones who tried to kill me and blew up my car! AHHHHHH! _I'M SO STRESSED!_

She starts crying poison again.

Elle: AHH! NOT AGAIN!

Noah: I just had my suit dry cleaned….AHHHHH! OW! OW! OW!

The Haitian falls to the floor in pain. Noah and Elle do the same. The other customers sit there and watch…confused.

Elle, whose face is covered in black poison, manages to climb back to the table. She grabs a bread stick and falls back to the ground.

Meanwhile, at the big game. Claire, Matt and Peter are in the stands.

Claire: Did you guys _place your bets?_...Jerks.

Matt: Sure did. This school's team kinda sucks. So we're rooting for the _Wildcats!_

Claire: This school is the Wildcats!

Peter: No it's not, it's The Eagles…..

Matt: Yeah, Claire…._Did you even go to this school?_

Claire: Yeah!...I think….

Peter: We'll I'm sure all that training will pay off.

The Wildcats Cheerleaders get through cheerleading and run back. _Claire's Cheerleaders run out._

Claire: Oh…..oh no….

Cheerleaders: GO WILDCATS!

The fans look confused and start booing.

Matt: Tee hee! The fans are going to revolt and the team will forfeit. _We're gonna win by default_.

Peter: Woo hoo!

Peter and Matt jump up and down. Claire walks off. As she's walking home, she spots Samson looking inside her house.

Claire: What are you doing?

Samson: I'm giving Angela the exclusive copy of _my new book on love and romance._

Claire: Puke. Anyway…..let me see.

She swipes it out of his hands.

Claire: I can't believe you wrote a book starring _me. _That's disturbing!

Samson: Get over yourself. I wrote it starring my true love…._Angela Petrelli_.

Claire: That's even more disturbing.

Samson (swiping it back): I'm going to give it to her to convince her I'm her one true love.

Claire: Ugh….I've had about enough of this. I'm going home.

Samson: Where is she? She didn't release the hounds….maybe she's not home.

Back at The Olive Garden.

Angela: Oh, Nathan….it's so sweet that you wanted to take your dear old mother out to dinner.

Nathan: You threatened to kick me out if I didn't!

Noah, Elle, and The Haitian get wheeled out on stretchers by the paramedics.

Angela: This service is terrible…where is our waiter?...Waiter! Can we get some drinks?

_Ted _walks over to their table.

Ted (deadpan): Welcome to the Olive Garden. What do you want to drink?

Angela: I'll have a Mimosa.

Nathan: And I'll have a Diet Coke with Lime….but I don't want the lime in it. I just want you to take it and rub it around the rim of the glass so I can just taste a hint of lime….I don't like full blown lime in my drink….it tastes like bug spray. .

Ted: Two waters….thanks.

He closes his book and walks off.

Angela: Well….._he better bring us bread sticks. _

Nathan: Oh yeah, totally.

_To Be Continued_.


	15. Better Off Ted

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.15)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

Angela: _Previously on The Event…_

Niki: On the what?

Peter (to Claire on the phone): Claire! Where are you?

Claire: I'm teaching a cheerleading class!

Peter: I'm on my way!

-5 Minutes Earlier-

Peter: I think I'll call Claire and see what she's up to.

-1 year ago-

Clerk: Welcome to T-Mobile, can I help you?

Peter: I would like to get a cell phone.

Clerk: Sure, sign this contract.

The clerk pokes Peter's finger with a needle.

Peter: ….uh, ow.

Clerk: You have to sign the contract in blood.

-2 and a half years ago-

Nathan: Peter! I want you off my family plan! Get your own phone. You're racking up my bill.

-15 years ago-

Teenage Peter: But ma, I really want a cell phone!

Angela: NO!

-30 years ago-

Doctor: Congratulations, Mrs. Petrelli! It's a baby boy! _Somebody get this boy a cell phone!_

Angela: Over my dead body!

-40 years later-

Senior Peter (holding up his cell phone, which is the size of a Tic Tac): Why are these phones so _small?_

-Present Day-

Peter: Stupid big phones, why don't they make them smaller.

Niki: Oh my god, _get on with the story already!_

-1 week earlier-

Niki (watching The Event): …I'm so lost…..it's probably aliens.

Peter comes back to Angela's house, Nathan is on the roof.

Peter: Yo, Nate! What's up?

Nathan: I'm cleaning out the storm gutters….which I'm pretty sure was _your_ job.

Peter: Bro, I've spent all day teaching cheerleaders how to….cheer. Give me a break.

Nathan: Well, since you're standing there doing nothing. Why don't you deal with the whole 'world is going to end thing'?

Peter: Nate, we both have sat through enough seasons of this show to know….it's going to be okay.

Nathan: What?

Peter: It's going to be okay…..everything wraps up in the end.

-2 Weeks Later-

Peter and Nathan are sitting in a mound of rubble, the world has been destroyed.

Nathan (looking at Peter): ….

Peter: DON'T!

Nathan looks back.

Peter: Don't say anything.

Nathan: About how I told you to save the world and you blew it off.

Peter: Huh?...Oh THAT!...I thought you were going to point out the fact I haven't showered in days…..

Nathan: ….

Peter: …..

Nathan scoots away from Peter.

Peter: Awkward…..

T

T T

T E EV T

THE EV T

THE EVE T

THE EVENT

Niki: That's it! I quit!

_Claire Bennet  
The Bennet Home  
Haven't Done One Of These In A While_

Claire Bennet is brushing her teeth. In the sink it reads:

_Chapter Fifteen "Better Off Ted"_

Claire: Brush, Brush, Brush…Brush, Brush, Brush….

She leans down to spit….and freezes. She feels a warm sensation on the back of her head. Remaining still, her eyes shift to the left, a trail of toothpaste slowly slides down her left cheek. Confused, she starts to turn her head, upon seeing _Matt_ holding a toothbrush.

Claire: …..

Matt: …..

Claire: …..

Matt: …..

Claire: …..

Matt: …Hey there, roomie!

POW!

Matt walks out of the bathroom with a black eye. Claire is wiping herself off.

Claire: Dammit, Matt! That was totally gross! What the hell is wrong with you!

Matt: I had to spit!

Claire: Why are you here?

Matt: Well _excuse me_ for wanting to keep my oral hygiene up to snuff….

Claire: I'M TALKING ABOUT MY HOUSE!

Matt: I need a place to stay.

Claire: You've crashed here once already, probably twice….

Matt: You may be confusing me with Peter.

Claire: Whatever….wait….don't you have your own condo.

Matt: Who told you that?

Claire: I keep up with these things, Matt.

Matt: Well…it's new and I sure would hate to dirty it up.

Claire: I'm not doing this again. I know somebody who will take me in.

At Angela's House…

Angela: NOT ME!

Claire: I…haven't said anything yet. How did you know…..

Angela: I keep up with these things, Claire.

Claire: Please! I can't live with Matt…..He sucks!

Angela: I'm sorry. I already have my hands full with my worthless sons!

Nathan: _Worthless son within hearing distance_, _Ma_. Thanks!

Angela: You're going to have to go somewhere else. I hear they re-opened that hotel down the street, go there.

Claire: You want me to get murdered? That's why it _re-opened_….wait, that doesn't make sense.

Angela: Goodbye, Claire. Send my regards to Uncle Smitty.

Claire: But Uncle Smitty's dead!...

Angela closes the door.

Claire: Dammit!

Peter is walking down the street, he stops at a tv playing the news.

News Anchor: And the asteroid is still hurdling toward Earth. More at 11….

A man bumps into Peter.

Peter: RUDE!

He turns around and sees it is _Ted Sprague_.

Peter: Ted! Ted, is that you?

Ted: No.

Peter: Yes it is! Teddy! My man! What's happening? How've you been, buddy?

Ted: My life is a flushing toilet of pain, misery, and woe.

Peter: Oh come on, working at the _Olive Garden_ can't be _that bad._

Ted: I'm talking about my powers.

Peter: Oh right. So….listen, buddy…..I need you to use your powers.

Ted: What?

Peter: There's this asteroid….and we need to blow it up.

Ted: Won't I die if I use my power to blow it up.

Peter: Yes….but I'll get majority of the credit, the world will get saved, we'll get renewed for another season.

Ted: It doesn't work that way.

Peter: _Tell me about it_.

Ted: Why should I die? Just take my power and do it yourself!

Peter: But if _you _sacrifice yourself, we will have a celebration in your honor. Then every year we will hold a special conference remembering Ted. We shall call it '_The TED Conference'_.

Ted: uh…

Peter: What do you say?

Ted turns around and spots Noah and Elle….._wearing Noah Bennet and Elle Bishop masks._

Ted: This is a set up! I'm outta here!

Ted runs off.

Noah: I told you these masks were a stupid idea!

Elle: And yet you bought them, _so what does that say about you?_

Noah: Good point.

Peter: Ted, wait! We didn't get each others phone number!

Peter takes one step.

Peter: AHH! _Charlie Horse!_

Peter falls.

Ted runs into a parking garage, followed by Peter. Ted runs into a dead end.

Ted: Stay away from me, I'm going to explode!

Peter: Hey, there's no reason to get mad at me! I'm just trying to…..oh wait, you mean in the literal sense.

Ted: Uh, yeah.

Peter: Excellent! Now take that anger….while we blast you off into space.

Ted: I'm not falling for that asteroid ruse. I know you're working for The Company!

Peter: Did they drop the '_Deux'_ part? That was pretty stupid.

Ted: I'm not going back…..not after all the horrible tests they did to me…

-Years Ago-

Noah: Now, Ted. We are going to have to run some tests.

Ted: I hate tests.

Noah: This first one is called the _Rorschach Test_.

Ted: I'm sorry, I've never seen _Watchmen_.

Noah: Uh, no…..it's the ink blot thingy….

Ted: Oh, is that what that's called? Okay….

Noah shows Ted a picture of _Ted being tied up and enduruing endless tests._

Ted: That's a picture of me being tied up and enduring endless tests!

Noah: Ooh! Very descriptive.

Ted: No, it's obvious. That's a freaking drawing. I thought this was an ink test!

Noah: And I used my best pen….uh….I mean…..what?

Later…

Noah: This next test is word association.

Ted: Then can I go home?

Noah: Of course! Ready?

Ted: Yeah.

Noah: _YOU_.

Ted: ….Ted.

Noah: _ARE_.

Ted: ….like 'are' of the letter 'R'?

Noah: _GOING_.

Ted: Leaving.

Noah: _TO._

Ted: …..um, 'To' or the number '2'?

Noah: _BE_.

Ted: Sting.

Noah: _HERE_.

Ted: There.

Noah: _FOREVER_.

Ted: …..

Noah: …..

Ted: …..

Noah: ….Would you like a cup of _non-drugged tea?_

-Present-

Peter: Oh, big deal! That's better than the tests I had when I was there….

-Peter Testing-

Elle: Okay, to finish off celebrating _Cinco De Mayo_, we're going to hit a pinata for candy! Unfortunately, we don't have the budget for one so….Peter!

Peter walks out with pieces of paper mache glued on him. He takes out a Snickers bar and puts it in his mouth. Noah, Elle, The Haitian, Niki, Mohinder, and Matt run up and start wailing on him with baseball bats.

WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!

Peter: AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!

Peter spits out the candy bar, it lands near Niki's feet.

Noah: Congratulations, Niki! You won the candy.

Niki: We're we playing a game?

-Enough With The Flashbacks-

Claire is in a taxi, she gets on her cell phone. Back at The Bennets, Matt picks up the phone.

Matt: Bennet Residence!

Claire: Why are you still there?

Matt: Your mom loves me, so I'm getting the pamper treatment. Her and Muggles are giving me one of the cities best pedicures.

Claire: _Predicures?_

Matt: Yup. Hold on, I'm going to send you a picture of my _French Tips_.

Claire: UGH!

Claire throws her phone out the window.

WHACK!

Passerby: OW!

Noah and Elle are in pursuit, there is a giant bus in front of them.

Elle: Crap! A bus!

Noah: We can't lose Sprague now!

Elle: Okay….

Noah and Elle: _DRIVER! MOVE! THAT! BUS!_

The bus pulls away, and in front of them is a beautiful house. _Ty Pennington runs up_.

Ty: Hello, Stevenson Family! Welcome to your new home!

Elle: NEW HOME! YAY!

Noah: Uh, Elle…

Elle: It's….beautiful….-sniff-

Ty: Wait, you don't look like the Stevensons…

Elle: We had plastic surgery.

Ty: …and where are your 27 children?

Elle: They're at _Childrens School_. NOW LET ME SEE MY HOUSE!

Ty: Okay, follow me!

Elle: Yippie!

Noah: Elle?

They walk inside the house, Elle gasps.

Elle: Oh, Mr. B…It's everything I dreamed of.

Noah: You just stumbled upon this….how were you dreaming about it?

Elle runs into the kitchen.

Elle: A walk-in Refridgerator? A GPS enabled Microwave with DVD playback?

Noah: Elle, this is wrong…..so wrong. What we are doing is terrible….

Elle turns to Noah.

Elle: ….._REALLY?_

Noah: What?

Elle thinks for a second.

Elle: Hello, my name is _Kettle_. You must be the _Pot_…..catch my drift?

Noah: Say what?

Elle: Care to play a board game, Mr. B? My favorite is _Hungry Hungry Hippo-crites!_

Noah: I don't care for the word games, Elle.

Elle: Mr. B! You are a terrible person! You have done bad things all your life! Stealing a house from a family in need and defrauding a charitable television show which gets far more viewers than us is _pale in comparison_.

Noah: I guess I never thought of it that way…..

Elle: Think about it. You can move your family into one of the 27 childrens rooms. I get the master bedroom.

Noah: Why do you get the master bedroom?

Elle: Uh, DUH! I was the first one that noticed the bus!

Noah: Well…..yeah….that's true.

Claire walks into _The Slasher Motel_.

Claire: Where's that bell…..DING!

The Clerk walks up, looking very creepy.

Clerk: Hello….I've been expecting you.

Claire: My stupid Grandmother probably phoned ahead, that old prune!

Clerk: Let the Bellboy take your things.

The Clerk summons the Bellboy.

Bellboy: Hello….gawsh….you're purdy.

Claire: Uh, duh….take my things.

Bellboy: With pleasure, maam…..

Claire: Don't call me maam….

The Bellboy shows Claire to her room.

Bellboy: Sleep tight…..tee hee….

The Bellboy slowly closes the door.

Claire: It's like 3 in the afternoon! Why would I sleep? I could use a shower though.

Later, in the shower.

Claire: Okay, like….zero water pressure. Now for some shampoo.

Claire squirts some shampoo in her hand and starts scrubbing her hair. Meanwhile…_the bathroom door opens. _

Claire: What's that smell!

Claire looks at the bottle.

Claire: _Ranch Dressing!_ Oh great! Now I'm going to smell like a salad for the rest of my life!

Claire starts washing out the salad dressing. Someone whisks open the curtains.

Claire: Tee Hee!...Is that my boyfriend?….He is so bad….wait a minute…_I don't have a boyfriend! EEEK!_

A mystery hand holds up a knife. STAB! STAB! STAB!

Claire: OW! MY SKIN!

Claire covers herself with the curtian. The masked man is still weilding the knife.

Claire: Let's see who you are! If you're _Don Knotts_ I'm going to be so pissed!

She whisks off the mask. It is the bellboy.

Claire: Oh, it's you. _Did you bring up my bags like I told you to?_

Bellboy: Uh…..

Claire turns to look behind her, the stab wounds heal.

Claire: There, all better.

The Bellboy faints.

Claire: Well, there goes your tip!

Peter and Ted are walking.

Peter: We should totally hang out back at my place.

Ted: Whatever….

Peter gets on his phone.

Angela (on the line): WHAT!

Peter: Hi, ma! Can Ted come over?

Angela: Who the hell is Ted?

Peter: Radioactive Boom Powers. Olive Garden Waiter.

Angela: Well, smack him upside the head for not bringing me more breadsticks.

Peter smacks Ted.

Ted: AHH! What the hell….

Peter hangs up.

Peter: She says you can stay. Come along, we have business to discuss….

Ted: Business?

Peter: Yes…..we're going to save the world.

Ted: While you get the credit?

Peter: Now you're getting it!

Meanwhile, back at the Extremely Made-Over Home.

Elle (on the bed): This. Is. Living.

Noah: It sure is. How do you work this toaster?

Elle: It's voice activated.

Noah: …..(Looking at the machine)….TOAST!...TOAST!

Elle: Did you put bread in it?

Noah: Oh, no I didn't.

The doorbell rings.

Elle: I'll get it!

Elle opens the door to find a married couple and their _27 children_.

Man: Hello!

Elle: Sorry, pal, Halloween isn't until next week. Check back then.

Elle starts to close the door.

Man (stopping her): I don't think you understand…._we're The Stevenson_s.

Elle: Hey, that's great!

Elle slams the door.

Elle: MR. B! We're busted!

Noah takes the escalator down.

Noah: Is that the family!

Elle: Uh….maybe?

Noah: I told you this would happen!

Elle: And you went along with it! What does that say about you?

Noah: Stop doing that!

Elle: There's only one thing to do.

Elle takes out her gun and cocks it.

Noah: Oh my god, Elle! You're going to shoot them?

Elle: WHAT? No, I was going to give them the gun and tell them to live in the woods….you need protection out there. What kinda monster you think I am.

Noah: …

Elle: We should go.

Mr. Stevenson knocks on the door. He looks behind the house to see Noah and Elle running across the field.

Elle (running and shaking her fist): _Damn you, Ty Pennington!_

Meanwhile, back in the Hotel. Claire runs around a corner.

Claire: HELP! I can't find the ice machine….oh and there's someone after me.

Claire walks calmly down the hall while a masked man chases her with a chainsaw.

Claire: There's the ice machine!

The masked man runs up and holds the chainsaw near her face.

Claire: Excuse me….could you acutally aim below the neck? I'll need my head to grow back any body parts you lob off.

The masked man scratches his head.

Claire: And if I'm not mistaken….

Claire whips off the mask, it is the front desk clerk.

Claire: Ugh, this is why we're not a mystery series. And _Psycho and Texas Chainsaw Massacre all you got_?

Clerk: Yeah.

Claire: Well, I need some ice. Just hack off whatever body part you want. Like I said, it'll just grow back.

The Clerk slowly backs off.

Claire: They could have at least done _The Shining_….that was a really good one.

Meanwhile, back at the Condo. Mohinder walks in.

Matt: Hey, Mohinder.

Mohinder: Wow, this place is still in good shape.

Matt: Yeah, I've been crashing at The Bennets. But Claire taught me something very important….so I came back.

Mohinder: What did she teach you?

Matt: I don't remember. I was kinda hoping….you'd monologue the whole thing….tell the viewers the moral to the story….you know how it goes.

Mohinder: No time….I have to look for a new job since Micah fired me from The Company.

Matt: Weren't you only working there for like…a day?

Mohinder: Yes.

Matt: Well, I guess that means there's a free spot to put in my application. Me and Micah go way back. He'll hire me on the spot.

Mohinder: I'm sure.

Matt: Hey, wanna play with my fire truck?

Mohinder: …..Well….okay, I could use the break.

Matt: It's pretty realistic. Watch…..

-5 Minutes Later-

Matt and Mohinder are standing outside of the condo, which is up in flames.

Mohinder: You…..nevermind.

Matt: Okay…..um….where is the nearest fire hydrant so I can hook this bad boy up?

Mohinder: ….

Matt's phone begins to ring.

Janice's Voice: _MATT! I SWEAR I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!_

Mohinder: Uh….was that Janice?

Matt: Yes.

Mohinder: …..Is…Is _Janice yelling…your ringtone for Janice_?

Matt: Yes.

Mohinder: And you're not going to answer it?

Matt: ….No.

Mohinder: And….I'm going to assume….this all happened before Janice finalized the sale for the condo.

Matt: Yes.

Mohinder: ….Just making sure.

They continue to watch the condo burn.

_To Be Continued_.


	16. No Sex, Some Lies, And Videotape

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.16)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

Mohinder: _Previously on Heroes…_

Tracy (to Nathan): Sir, I'm afraid you've been impeached.

Nathan: Has this city lost it's mind?

Angela opens the door to Nathan.

Angela opens the door to Peter.

Angela opens the door to Claire….then slams it in her face.

Claire: You'll pay for this, you cow!

Samson: I must win back the heart of my true love, Angela Petrelli!

Jax: Why am I still helping you with these things!

Hiro stops the Tidal Wave by screwing up space time and the adjustment of Earth's rotation, it is in the oncoming path of an asteroid.

Micah: I just bought The Company. Mohinder, you're fired.

Mohinder: What a rip off….

Noah: We have to look for the only man who can stop the asteroid.

Noah throws down Ted Sprague's file.

Peter (running into Ted): We should totally hang out.

Elle (To Noah): Mr. B! Ty Pennington thinks we're the needy family from Extreme Home Makeover! We should totally take advantage of this!

Elle opens the door to The Stevensons. The real family.

Elle: RUN!

Claire checks into a motel. Not suspicious at all.

Claire gets stabbed in the shower.

Claire: Is this seriously the only storyline I have?

Matt: Janice is a realtor! She just got us a condo!

Matt and Mohinder stand in front of the condo, which is up in flames.

-DONE-

_Matt and Mohinder  
On a street corner in a seedy part of town.  
Don't listen to Grand Theft Auto; Prostitutes are people too!_

Matt (sweating): Oh man. Oh man. Oh man. Oh man. Oh man…..

Mohinder: What is your problem?

Matt: _What's my problem?...WHAT'S MY PROBLEM!_

Mohinder: Matt, calm down.

Matt: "_Calm down."_ He says. "_Everything's going to be okay."_ He says.

Mohinder: I actually didn't say that last part.

Matt: Mohinder. I am dealing with _Janice_. Hell hath no fury like an ex-wife scorned! She is going to kill me.

A car pulls up at the end of the alley, blocking them off.

Matt: Oh crap….it's her.

Mohinder: How do you know?

Matt: Run for your lives!

Matt takes off running. Mohinder sighs and runs after him. We pan out as Matt and Mohinder run down the alley. On the ground it reads:

_Chapter Sixteen "No Sex, Some Lies, and Videotape"_

_Elle and Niki  
Subway Restaurant  
Don't tell them they're in this story. Can't afford that lawsuit!_

Elle (to Niki): So then the real family showed up…..and me and Mr. B had to book it.

Niki: Fascinating. (Eye roll)

Elle: I thought about trying to…you know….fake my way to a new house. But the show kinda…banned me.

Niki: I bet.

Elle: My god, this line is long.

Clerk: Lady, it's been your turn for like, 10 minutes.

Elle: Fine, I'll just take a BLT.

Clerk: Anything for you, sweet cheeks.

Niki: _Sweet Cheeks_?

Elle: Niki, he was obviously talking to me.

Niki: Listen pal, you can't talk to us like that!

Elle: Uh, hello? He's talking to me!

Clerk: How about I give you this sandwich for free….for a date.

Niki: Whoa! Hello! We are not those kinda ladies!

Elle: He's talking to me!

Clerk: I mean, you're freaking hot!

Elle: You're totally right!

Niki: Grr….

Later, outside.

Elle: Look, Niki. _Free Sandwich_!

Niki: Hmph!

_Samson Grey and Jax the assisstant  
On a bus to Angela's House  
The Magic School Bus, that is._

Mrs. Frizzle: Okay, children. After we do a quick tour through Arthur's digestive tract, we'll stop by the gift shop then grab a slice of pizza at _Sbarro_!

Children: Hooray!

Samson: I hate public transportation.

Jax: Why are we on our way to Mrs. Petrelli's, sir…..and when did I start working for you? Where's Sylar?

Samson: Sylar will come into play momentarilly.

Jax: What's with the box? Is it a bomb?

Samson: Yes….a bomb….of love!

Jax: That doesn't make any sense.

Samson: Okay, it's not a bomb. It's some candy, bath things, and a copy of my book "_I Love You, Angela Petrelli"._

Jax: Subtle. (Eye roll)

Samson: She'll have to take me back after this one.

Jax: And…..Sylar?

Samson: Oh, that will be Plan B.

Jax: I would think by now you're on like….Plan K.

Samson: Hmph…..Anyway….just you wait. She will be mine.

Jax: Well, just as long as your not stalking her or anything. (Eye roll)

Samson: Sarcasm is a very ugly trait, you know.

Jax: Gee, what helpful advice….(Eye roll)….hmm…maybe I should stop that.

Mrs. Frizzle: Oh dear, it looks like we crashed into Arthur's pancreas. Okay, everyone, get out and push!

Children: Hooray!

Samson: Ugh…

_Peter and Ted Sprague  
Peter's Bedroom at Angela's House  
Character who managed to go the longest time without moving: The Bennets. _

Ted: So, why are you living here again?

Peter: Oh, you know….crazy things.

Ted: So, how am I supposed to stop this thing?

Peter: We need to get you into space….then blow it up.

Ted: That's all you got?

Peter: Pretty much.

Ted takes a drink of his chocolate milk….his head appears in the crosshairs of a sniper rifle.

**= = = HEROES = = = **

Niki bursts open the doors to the office. She storms up to Noah.

Niki: Noah, we need to have a discussion!

Noah: Take it up with Micah….he's the boss.

Niki: I can't talk to my son about this! It's….awkward.

Noah: Huh.

Niki: _Sexual Harassment!_

Noah: I beg your pardon?

Niki: Elle and I were at lunch at Subway and the guy was totally hitting on her!

Elle: And it got me a free sandwich! Awesome, huh?

Noah: _I want a free sandwich_.

Niki: I think this company needs to get some training on Sexual Harassment.

Noah: ….What does the guy at Subway hitting on Elle have to do with _us_ having a meeting over this?

Niki: To raise awareness. There are a ton of perverts out there.

Noah: Forgive me if I'm wrong, and I'm sure this may have been brought up a time of two….but didn't you used to be a stripper?

Niki: I don't see how that's relevant.

Noah: The Company does not have the correct credentials to cover this topic….either that or it was destroyed. If you want to do something about it, talk to _your boss_.

Niki: Uh….

Meanwhile, in the crosshairs of someone's sniper rifle aiming at Ted.

Peter: Hey, so, Ted….you ever think about seeing a Dermatologist?

Ted: Huh…why?

Peter: You got some huge zit on the side of your head…

Peter tries to pick at it.

Ted: What are you doing!

Peter: Oh, it's not a zit. It looks like a laser sight….probably one from a sniper rifle.

Ted: WHAT?

Ted flops to the ground as a bullet breaks through the window and shatters a vase.

Ted: What the?...What the hell?

Peter: This bullet must have come from a gun!

Ted: No kidding!

Matt and Mohinder are at a restaurant.

Matt: I sure am glad we escaped.

Mohinder: You can't run from her forever.

Matt: Sure I can. I've been avoiding her for several seasons now.

Mohinder: Uh huh.

Matt: Where is that ketchup?

Matt turns around, he reaches over to grab a bottle of ketchup from the table behind him. Upon turning back around, _Janice appears_.

Matt: EEP! JANICE!

Janice: Hello, Matthew.

Matt: What are you doing here? Where's Mohinder? Actually, you can have him. Just let me go. I'm too important to the plot to die.

Janice: I'm not going to kill you, Matt. Even though I pulled some strings to get you that condo and you burned it down before I had a chance to finalize the sale.

Matt: What are you doing to do to me?

Janice: _You're going to sell my next house_.

Matt: Oh, is that all? I got off pretty easy. With Mohinder helping me this will be a breeze…

Later…

Mohinder: _She was here?_

Matt: Uh…duh. Where have you been?

Mohinder: We have to sell her next house?...That seems oddly….merciful….and suspicious.

Matt: Hey she didn't kill us! That's a start.

Mohinder: We're not realtors, Matt. I'm an brilliant scientist and you….you….are…._you._

Matt: Aww, thanks.

Mohinder: What happens if we don't sell the house?

Matt: Then she kills us.

Mohinder: Meanwhile, we're still on the street.

Matt: I have a place we can stay….

At Angela's House…

Angela: NO! NO!...No way! No how! Not on your life! No! No! No! No! No!

Peter: Oh, come on!

Angela: Your friend Ted cannot stay here anymore, Peter. I'm not replacing any more windows. Now go away so I can turn down some more of your stupid friends trying to move in.

Angela opens the door to Matt and Mohinder.

Angela: NO!

She slams the door.

Matt: She never did like me.

Mohinder: You could always '_convince' _her to let us stay.

Matt: Come on, Mohinder, I'm not a miracle worker.

Mohinder: Ugh…

Niki is back in the office, sitting across from Micah.

Micah: Yes, mom….err….Niki?

Niki: You need to talk to us about _Sex_.

Micah: Uh…Mom, if I have to have this talk with you…._then we have a major problem here._

Niki: Sexual Harassment!

Micah: Who would sexually harass _you?_

Niki: …(_Glare)_

Micah: I mean….you would beat them up….and kill them…..I didn't mean like _that_….hmm….how about a raise?

Niki: I think it would be in the best interst of The Company if we discussed this topic.

Micah: Okay….dig up the video and have a meeting about it.

Niki: Noah says there wasn't any material. Figures.

Micah: Hmm….I know! You guys can make a movie….then we can use that for future new hires.

Elle bursts through the door.

Elle: I'm your woman! Movie making is my specialty!

Micah: I'm already starting to regret this.

Peter walks back into his room.

Ted: Who do you think tried to shoot me?

Peter: There's only one way to find out.

Peter holds up a magnifying glass.

Ted: Look for clues?

Peter: Nope. I'm going to pawn my mom's magnifying glass and put it towards a _gun_.

Ted: Hmm.

Niki, Noah, The Haitian are sitting in the conference room. Elle puts up a camera.

Elle: Okay, peeps! We are ready to film this movie.

Noah: This isn't about the whole 'getting hit on by the guy from Subway' thing, is it?

Niki: Yes it is.

Elle: Okay. Aaaaaaand….ACTION!

=Movie=

Elle: Good afternoon. My name is Elle Bishop. I'm here to talk about a very sensitive subject. _SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE WORKPLACE!_ This is a serious topic, and we are going to go over these topics to raise awareness and teach you what to do if you are being harassed. In this first scenario, Bob…

Noah walks in front of the camera.

Elle (To Noah): Psst…._You're 'Bob'._

Noah: I got that!

Elle: Bob here is going to make a pass at Gwen….played by me.

Noah: Aren't you the narrator?

Elle: Watch how I handle this scene.

Elle (To Noah): Oh…hello, Bob. Got something for me?

Noah (reading script): Yes, I do Gwen. Here are the reports on….the big report…(Noah looks off for a second)…anyway….

Elle: Great, can I have them?

Noah: I have a better idea….how about you….uhh…..how about you take off your shirt? _I can't believe I just said that…I feel so dirty._

Elle: As you can see, Mr. B…err…Bob…totally has the hots for me…not like I blame him or anything, I am pretty cute. The best thing to do in this situation is to _Stop. Drop. And Roll!_

Niki: WHAT?

Noah: That's if you're on _fire_, you idiot!

Elle: Oh, I probably got that mixed up.

Later…

Elle: Now, women aren't the only ones who are victims….men can be too! Watch as I hit on Bob.

Noah: I don't feel comfortable doing this….at all.

Elle: Just read the script!

Noah (reading): I brought you these reports, Gwen.

Elle: Thank you, Bob! Oops…I dropped my pen.

Elle picks up her pen and throws it across the room.

Noah: Really!

Elle: My pen!

Noah bends over to pick it up.

Elle: Nice buns, hot stuff….

Noah: Oh come on! Nobody talks like that!

Elle: Ugh….I feel sick now….

Niki (observing): This is the worst movie ever made….looks like I'm going to have to take over.

Peter and Ted are at the pawn shop. The owner hands him a gun.

Ted: You know how to use that thing right?

Peter: Sure do!

2 hours later, outside of the hospital. Ted is now in a arm sling.

Ted: Okay, now that the nice doctors took out the bullet, _are you sure you know how to use that thing?_

Peter: We might need to go to the gun range….nah, I'll be fine!

BANG!

Peter: Hmm…let's go back inside the hospital _THEN _to the gun range.

At the gun range, Ted is still in his sling _and now in crutches._

Ted: Funny, you're supposed to be protecting me from my gunman and yet _you're the only one successfully shooting me._

Peter: I'm just supposed to stop the asteroid….I don't know anything about this 'protecting' business.

Ted: Why are we here then?

Peter: To protect you from your killer. Somebody doesn't want you to….live anymore.

Ted: You think?

Peter picks up his paper target, he holds it in front of him and _fires at the paper point blank six times_. He then puts it on the rail above him and sends it down the range. Ted is confused.

Peter: I should have been a cop.

Ted: That's a loss for all of us.

Peter looks behind him, a mysterious man is holding a newspaper _with a hole cut out on it_.

Peter: It's the gunman! LOOK OUT!

Peter pulls Ted _in front of him_.

Ted: You are the worst bodyguard ever!

The gunman shoots and misses, shortly before running away. Peter chases after him.

Peter: Come back, you swine!

Peter continues to pursue the gunman through the gun range. The gunman busts out of the building and gets hit by a car. _Claire is driving the car_.

Claire: AHHHH! I hit a squirrel!

Claire hops out of the car, she sees Peter.

Claire: Peter! It was terrible! I killed an innocent….oh wait, that's a human….._oh god, that's worse!_

Peter: Calm down, Claire. This man tried to kill Ted!

Claire: Ted?...as in Sprague?

Peter: Yup.

Claire: I guess he's back now?

Peter: We have to stop the asteroid, and this man doesn't want us to. Let's just see who the mystery villain is.

Peter whips off the mask.

Peter: _It's Old Man…actually I don't know who this is._

The man gets up and dusts himself off.

Man: The name's Joe….it's short for _Josephine_….but don't call me that. It's just Joe.

Claire: You could have gotten away without telling us that second part.

Joe: I've come to kill Ted, you are about to make a huge mistake, Peter!

Claire: You know him, Peter.

Peter: Maybe….Fat Camp?

Joe: No.

Claire: Listen, I'm sorry I hit you, just don't…..(turning to Peter)….._Fat Camp?_

Peter: It was horrible, I remember like it was yesterday.

The screen starts to get blurry.

Claire: I'm not in the mood for a flashback. Why did you want to kill Ted….Joe, was it?

Joe: Yes…..Because you having Ted stop the asteroid will only make matters worse. Peter, all these disasters happening! Every time they are stopped a new one starts, all leading up to an event that will be unstoppable.

Peter: I still like to know how you know all this.

Joe: From this…..

Joe hands Peter a _comic book._

Peter: _Ninth Wonders?_

Claire: How is that still in print?

Peter flips to the end of the book.

Joe: What are you doing?

Peter: Seeing if I live…..which I do…..I always do…..excellent.

Joe: Give me that! You can change the course of history, just…don't use Ted to stop the asteroid! There must be another way.

Claire: If there's another way, wouldn't it be in the comic book?

Joe: Yes….if Peter takes my advice.

Claire: ….

Peter: …..

Ted (Showing up): What did I miss?

Peter: …I…understand.

Later, Joe is flipping through the comic book, to see that _nothing has changed_.

Joe: Well, I guess I know what that means.

The doorbell rings to Angela's house.

Angela: Dammit, _this house is not a hotel!_ If one more person…

She opens the door to find Samson and Jax.

Samson (To Jax): Didn't I tell you to hide?

Jax: No.

Angela: Samson? What are you doing here?

Samson: Angela, my darling! I can't spend another moment without you! I've come to take you back!

Angela: Uh…I dumped you.

Samson: Oh….then _I've come so you can take me back?_

Jax slaps his forehead.

Angela: I don't know….

Samson: It's another man, isn't it?

_Sylar appears next to her_.

Samson: You left me for my son?

Jax: Awkward…

Samson: Angela, why! He's more than half your age!

Jax: I think that would be _less than half_….

Angela: WHAT? No!

Sylar: If you must know why I'm here, I came to talk to Angela to convince her to take you back.

Samson: You…you did that?

Angela: Yes, and Sylar does have a point. Back then we were trying to use each other for financial gain.

Samson: I…don't think I was doing that. Right?

Jax shakes his head.

Angela: But, it wouldn't be so bad to give it another shot. Start clean. Leave this house before my stupid sons drive me crazy.

Samson: Let's start out with a drink.

Angela: That would be lovely.

Angela and Samson walk away.

Jax: Did that just happen?

Sylar: Yes.

Jax: Why the hell did you do that? I know you're good again.

Sylar looks at Jax.

Jax: Oh wait….you're not?

Sylar: Nope, I arranged this setup to get my father out of the picture since he's just been wasting time.

Jax: What are you going to do?

Sylar: What I do best, good assistant of mine.

Jax: _Knit?_

Sylar: Other than that…..

-Earlier-

Sylar is drinking at a bar. _Joe_, the comic book enthusiest comes up to him.

Joe: Sylar, right?

Sylar: Yeah….wait, how do you know me?

Joe: I want to help you.

Sylar: Get lost.

Joe: In my opinion, you just don't cut it as a good guy.

Sylar: ….how do you know I switched sides again?

Joe: Let's just say, I keep up.

Joe throws down a copy of _Ninth Wonders_.

Sylar: People still read that?...How…?

Joe: In 30 minutes, I'll be meeting Peter Petrelli at a gun range. I'm going to try and convince him to not take Ted Sprague into outer space to stop the asteroid.

Sylar: _Who what to the what now?_

Joe: Sylar, you're disappointing me. This comic sucks without you doing bad things!

Sylar: Not true! Just yesterday at the grocery store I ate _two grapes_…..then I got caught…..then I paid for them….using fake money….which I went back into the store and paid with real money…that I stole…from my checking account…

Joe: SEE!

Sylar: But I'm good now…I think.

Joe: No you're not, you're bad….you need to be evil again, and I can help you.

Sylar: I'm listening.

Joe: The only thing holding you back is your father. _Get him out of the way_, _then we'll talk_.

Sylar: You mean kill him? Cause that didn't work last time.

Joe: No….nothing like that. Give him _what he wants_.

Sylar: Hmm….

-End-

Joe: So….you're going to be a villain again?

Sylar: Yes…..and I know just where to start.

At the grocery store.

Sylar: Okay, go distract the guy by tipping over a shelf while I steal these grapes.

Jax: Ugh….

Meanwhile, at a nice looking house in the outskirts of the city. Mohinder walks into the living room to find Matt on the floor, chalk outlining his body.

Matt: Hey, Mohinder, look! The person who died here is the same size as me! This is more fun than comparing hand prints at _Grauman's Chinese Theater_!

Mohinder: Dammit, Matt! This is pointless! We'll never be able to sell this house! A billion murders happened here.

Matt: Maybe we can buy the house!

Mohinder: Uh….I don't feel comfortable doing that.

Matt: Aw, wat's wong, Mohinder? Did the wittle scawey murders scawe the swientist?

Mohinder: _Swientist?_

Matt: None of that stuff is real. You've seen _Paranormal Activity_.

Mohinder: Um…that's kinda unrelated. And don't talk to me about being scared at Paranormal Activity, you didn't have _dry pants for weeks_….ugh, why am I just now being bothered by that?

Matt: So there's ONE chalk line on the floor.

Matt opens a pantry and a body falls out.

Mohinder: !

Matt: So there's ONE corpse….

The doorbell rings.

Matt (walking away to answer it): Oh hello! What's this?...A house warming gift? That's so sweet! Thank you!...What's your name again…._Leatherface_, ooh that sounds exotic!

Mohinder: UHH….

Later…

Mohinder: Janice! We're not selling any houses! You'll just have to kill us!

Matt: _Leatherface_ was your breaking point but you'll happily be murdered by my ex? Where's the logic in that?

Janice: You have one week to get me my money.

Janice storms out.

Mohinder: Sheesh….

Matt: Well, I'm off to the Company to beg for my job back. You coming?

Mohinder: Did you forget I just got fired from there.

Matt: Maybe…..maybe…..I'll work there and give you a good reccomendation.

Mohinder: I hope that works since you're a terrible employee.

Matt: It usually does.

Meanwhile, in the car, driving.

Claire: Seriously, where the hell did he get that comic book?

Ted (To Peter): Now where are we going?

Peter: Well, my mom kicked us out…so I'm totally stealing her car.

Claire: Um, was there a reason why I had to go with you….I left my car back at the gun range.

Ted: You didn't answer my question, Peter.

Peter: We have to stop that asteroid, right?

Ted: …..

Peter: Right?

Ted: Right….sigh…

Peter: The only way to do that is to confront it head on.

Ted: Wait….you mean….

Peter: Yup….we're going into space.

Ted: I'm kinda glad it took me this long to come back to the show.

Claire: You don't know how lucky you've been…

The car continues down the road.

Meanwhile…

Niki walks into Noah's office.

Niki (dressed in some lingerie): Hello, Mr. Bennet.

Noah: Yes, Niki?

Niki walks up to Noah's desk.

Niki: You've been _bad_…..

Noah: Well, it's not my fault. I'm a good actor, it's just the horrible crap Elle gives me to work with.

Niki: Regardless, _you need to be punished_.

Noah: Say what now?

Niki hops on Noah's desk, it collapses, sending Niki to the floor.

Niki: OOF!

Noah: What in Wayne's World is going on here….are you….._are you filming this?_

Niki: Yes, your last bit was kinda short.

Noah: Unbelievble. I'm ending this….NOW!

Noah is walking across the office, The Haitian and Elle leave the women's restroom.

Elle: Now Haitian….we're going to try this take again….but make sure there's _film_ in the camera this time.

Haitian: Why can't we use the digital?

Noah: THAT IS IT! We are shutting this down!

Elle: What are you talking about?

Noah: This stupid movie has gone on long enough.

Elle: Well duh! We haven't edited it yet!

Noah: I meant….oh forget it!

He storms off.

Elle: Don't take my dreams away from me, Mr. B!

An hour later.

Noah walks in with a tape.

Elle: What is that?

Noah: I borrowed the sexual harassment training video from _Dunkin Donuts_.

Elle: Well, that's nice! But I can't find our video!

Niki walks in, eating a sandwich.

Elle: WHAT IS THAT!

Noah (standing next to her): Do you have to scream so loud! You damaged my cochlea!

Niki: It's a sandwich.

Elle: That's a subway sandwich…..from _Subway!_...

Noah: Didn't you swear them off because of the perverted guy working there?

Niki: I may have done something to that effect.

Elle: And we didn't get paid yet…..actually, I don't remember ever getting paid here.

Niki: I saved….money.

Haitian: She gave the guy the tape in exchange for free sandwhiches.

Niki: Uh….

Noah: You what?

Elle: My precious movie! My dreams….ruined! Somebody put me out of my misery.

The Haitian flicks a serum of poison, Niki pulls out a knife, Noah presses a remote which opens a cabinet full of pistols, shotguns, and grenade launchers.

Elle: HEY!

Niki: This was not a free sandwich….trust me.

=Earlier=

Clerk: How about I give you this sandwich for free….for a date.

Niki: Whoa! Hello! We are not those kinda ladies!

Elle: He's talking to me!

Clerk: I mean, you're freaking hot!

Elle: You're totally right!

Niki: Grr….

Elle takes the free sandwich and walks away.

Clerk (To Niki): You didn't think I forgot you, baby?

Niki: Forget it, scum! We don't have to take this harassment….you….you _man!_ If only _Lifetime we're here_ making a movie about this.

Clerk: A movie, eh…

Niki: …

Clerk: How about you make a movie with you two in it….

Niki: No way! I punch you now!

Clerk: And you'll get free sandwhiches….for life.

Niki: _For life?_

Clerk: For. Life.

Niki: Uh…..

Back at the office, to Noah…

Niki: I think this company needs to get some training on Sexual Harassment.

Noah: ….What does the guy at Subway hitting on Elle have to do with _us_ having a meeting over this?

Niki: To raise awareness. There are a ton of perverts out there.

Noah: Forgive me if I'm wrong, and I'm sure this may have been brought up a time or two or alot….but didn't you used to be a stripper?

Niki: I don't see how that's relevant.

Noah: The Company does not have the correct credentials to cover this topic….either that or it was destroyed. If you want to do something about it, talk to _your boss_.

Niki: Uh….

Niki opens a drawer and finds the tape:

_Sexual Harassment and You: A tape on what to do in case of Sexual Harassment, spontanious fires, and Bear attacks_.  
_Directed By: Daniel Linderman  
Screenplay By: Noah Bennet  
Starring: Kaito Nakamura and Angela Petrelli  
Special Guest Star: Pauly Shore  
Music By: Randy Newman_

Niki (shuddering): Ewww….

Niki burns the tape. She proceeds into Micah's office.

=End Flashback=

Elle: You skank! I had to go on a date with that guy to get my sandwhich!

Noah: Listen, I want in on that!

Elle: I don't think he's your type, Mr. B.

Noah: _I'M TALKING ABOUT THE SANDWICH!_

Niki: No! This is mine!

Noah: Sanders. I had to sit through that movie and sexually harass _Elle!_ Do you know how traumatizing that is?

Elle: Yeah, he had to sexually harass….wait….HEY!

Niki: You're not getting any of my free sandwiches.

Noah: You'll pay for this.

Niki: I doubt that.

Later that day…

Niki walks up to the Clerk.

Niki: One of your _finest free-est sandwiches please._

Clerk: Uh…you have to pay for it.

Niki: What? I gave you the video. Give me food!

Clerk: Is that where that movie came from?

Niki: WHAT! Yes, I gave you that movie for free sandwiches!

Clerk: I don't remember doing that….actually I don't remember doing much of anything recently.

Niki thinks for a minute.

Niki: GASP! _The Haitian!_

Niki runs out.

Niki (yelling): _You win this one, Bennet!_

Angela's car pulls up to the security gate of the New York Space Staton.

Ted: _The New York Space Station_….do we actually have one of those?

Guard: Name.

Peter: Petrelli, Peter.

Guard: Okay, you're cleared.

Claire: Excuse me?

Peter: Are you guys ready to save the world?

Claire and Ted: NO!

Peter: We're about to get some Astronaut Training.

Claire and Ted look at each other.

Ted: I'm starting to get angry…

Peter: GREAT! Save that for the trip!

Claire: I just had to complain about my storyline in the last episode….last time I open my fat mouth.

_To Be Continued._


	17. More Power, More Problems

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.17)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

Claire: _Previously on Heroes…_

Daphne: Stop the asteroid, save the world.

Peter: And the cheerleader?

Daphne: Nah, nobody cares about her anymore.

Claire: HEY!

Noah: There is only one man for the job.

Noah throws down a folder with a picture of _Ted Sprague_'s on it.

Peter chases after Ted.

Peter: You should totally stay at my place. It's my ma's house. The safest place on earth. Nobody ever gets shot there.

A sniper rifle aims at Ted's head.

Ted: Who would want to shoot me?

Joe: The name's Joe. I tried to kill Ted to stop you guys into going to space! Peter, if you continue with this it will only cause an unstoppable event that will destroy the world.

Peter: I understand…but disregarding all of it.

Matt: We got ourselves a condo! Thanks to Janice!

The condo burns down.

Janice: You are going to have to work for me now.

Mohinder: We're not selling any more houses.

Janice: You have one week to give me my money.

Samson: I must have Angela Petrelli!

Jax: By all means that is more important than doing something productive.

Angela: Sylar convinced me to give you another chance.

Samson: I'm not going to question his motives at all! Let's go!

Jax (To Sylar): Why did you do that?

Sylar: Let's say someone gave me a push in the right direction.

Joe (To Sylar): You are evil, and I can help you become what you once where.

Peter, Ted, and Claire arrive at the space station.

-End Previouslies-

Tick….Tock….

Matt: ….

Tick….Tock…..

Mohinder: …..

Tick…..Tock…..

Micah: …

Tick…..Tock…..

Matt: _Tick….Tock…._

Mohinder: Stop that!

_Matt, Mohinder, and Micah  
The Company  
Heroes is filmed live in front of The Big Bang Theory's studio audience._

Matt: Oh goody, I guess that means _I'm Sheldon_. Say…Mohinder…

Matt freezes.

Mohinder: Are you trying to think of something intelligent and witty to say?

_Blood starts trickling from Matt's nose._ The Big Bang Theory's audience is not amused.

Micah: So…what are you guys doing here?

Matt: I need a job to pay back my psycho ex-wife.

Mohinder: I need a job because I was fired from my last one.

Micah: You mean _this one?_

Mohinder: Yes.

Micah: Okay, we're shorthanded anyway. You'll be training with…

Later…

Niki: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Micah: Mom, I didn't even tell you what I needed yet.

Niki: I am happy with those two not being here. I swear I'll ground you for this.

Micah: Mom, we need the people. You need help with….whatever it is you do here.

Niki: I'm sad.

Micah: Look on the bright side….you will be training them. You are their _superior_.

Niki: Superior?

Micah: Superior. You _manage_ them.

Niki: I like the sound of that.

Micah: You can have them bring you coffee.

Niki: I really like the sound of that.

Micah: Great! Let's get started.

Matt and Mohinder walk up.

Niki: Let me guess, you burned down the new condo which wasn't paid for and you need money so Janice doesn't kill you.

Matt: She's good!

Mohinder: Shut up.

Niki: Where's my coffee?

Matt: Lackeys reporting for duty, maam!

Niki: Don't call me maam.

Matt: Lackeys reporting for duty, _Grandpa!_

Niki: Uh….nevermind….

Niki takes her drink.

Niki: It's empty!

Matt: I've taken the liberty of drinking your coffee first hand, sir, yes, sir!

Niki: I'm sad again.

_Peter, Claire, and Ted  
The New York Institute Of Science And Space Arts Recreation Of New York America Labs  
Or 'Space Station' for short._

Peter: I can't believe we're going into space! I can't wait.

Claire: What is with these outfits and their stupid logos?

Claire zips up her outfit, on the back reads:

_Chapter Seventeen "More Power, More Problems"_

Ted: Why do we have to go into space? Why can't we just wait until the asteroid comes here….like, freeze time or something THEN blow it up.

Peter: Ted, I don't have the power to do that.

Claire: Hiro does….where the hell has he been anyway?

Peter: Claire, if I could talk to Hiro, wherever he is, I'd take his power and save the day.

Claire: Or just have him do it, since he's more competent than you are.

Peter: Oh please, I have more _Hero_ in me than Hiro has in his entire name!

Claire: _What_?

Ted: So, what do we do first?

Peter: We have to test how we fare in low gravity situations. ACTIVATE LAUNCH!

A rocket blasts off into the sky.

Claire: Was that the rocket _we're supposed to be on!_

Peter: Oh crap, now we'll have to wait for the next one.

Claire: DAMMIT!

_Sylar  
An Abandoned Warehouse  
See The Abandoned Warehouse's impressive resume at IMDB. Who has guest starred on 24, CSI, NCIS, Cold Case, Medium, Without A Trace, Bones and…Designing Women!...uhhh…._

Sylar: Hello?...Anybody here?

Joe: Ah, Sylar, you're just in time.

Sylar: You better be going somewhere with this.

Joe: I am….Sylar; you are going to start getting your powers back. Come with me.

Sylar and Joe walk down a hallway and to a door with a window in it.

Sylar: What is this?

Joe: This man is here to _feed you_.

Sylar: I don't know, the last time I did this the power I got wasn't that great…..Got me a show though…

-Tv-

_He has the power to tell the history of an object just by touching it. PBS presents the mysterious SYLAR._

Sylar is at a desk. A woman comes up with a coo coo clock.

Sylar touches it.

Sylar: _Wal-mart._

A man comes up with a watch.

Sylar touches it.

Sylar: _Wal-mart._

A man comes up with an old leather jacket.

Sylar touches it.

Sylar: Ugh…._Wal-mart._

A woman comes up with a prescription bottle from The Wal-Mart Pharmacy.

Sylar: Get out.

A man comes up with a golf club.

Man: I just bought this from Wal-Mart; can you tell me where it came from?

Sylar: I'll do better than that…._I'll tell you where it's going to end up._

-Present Day, after the show got canceled-

Joe: Go on in….receive your first power.

Sylar looks in the window.

Sylar: _Is that Andy Dick!_

Andy Dick: Hi, can somebody give me some water? I'm really thirsty!

Sylar: What the hell kind of power does he have?

Joe: To be incredibly irritating.

Sylar: I don't want that power!

Joe: Ugh….picky….fine, come back tomorrow. I'll have someone new.

Sylar walks away. Joe gets on the phone.

Sylar (from outside): _And don't bring Gilbert Gottfried!_

Joe hangs up the phone.

**= = = HEROES = = = **

Peter walks into the bathroom, Ted is over the toilet.

Peter: Ahoy, Ted! How are thee?

Ted: Sick.

Claire (who was standing there): He's been puking for 20 minutes.

Peter: _You've been watching him puke?_ Gross!

Claire: I just got here! Shut up!

Ted: I can't do this.

Peter: You have to! If you don't save the world _I can't get credit for it_…

Claire shoots a look.

Peter: Err….I mean….for _you to get credit…heh, heh…_

Ted: That stupid spinning test just….err…BLEEEEEEECH!

Claire: Hmm.

Peter: Well, we have to continue these tests…and I know just who to call.

Ted looks at Claire, who shrugs.

Back at The Company…Matt is typing away at a computer. Mohinder looks across his desk.

Mohinder: What are you doing?

Matt: Looking for a new coffee maker…I broke the last one.

Mohinder: Niki is going to kill you if she catches you on her computer.

Matt: Nah, she loves me. She wouldn't cause me physical harm.

A laser sight appears in front of Matt and moves up to his forehead.

Matt: AHHH!

Matt ducks. Mohinder puts away his laser pointer.

Matt: Not funny!

Mohinder: Why don't you just go to the store and buy a new coffee maker.

Matt: And drive? Use gas? No way….the internet is the future. This is the way America orders things.

Mohinder: Whatever…

Matt: Let's see if Best Buy has some…UH!

Mohinder: What?

Matt: Man, Best Buy sure has…uh…..gotten a little….._not safe for work_.

Mohinder: What are you talking about?

Mohinder gets up and walks over to the desk.

Mohinder: Oh good lord! Why are there naked people on the screen!

Matt: I don't know….I just typed in the website…

Mohinder: Matt! You're at _!_

Matt: Oh, well that explains things.

Mohinder: Niki is going to murder you!

Matt: What do I do?

Mohinder: Click out! Close it! Go somewhere else!

Matt: AHHHH! _I accidentally signed up for their newsletter!_

Mohinder: What the hell is wrong with you?

At Angela's House, Nathan is asleep in his bed. His pillow starts moving out from under his head, which falls back and bangs into the headboard.

Nathan: Uh…OWWW! What the hell was that?

Nathan looks up to see a masked man. He takes off the pillow case and puts it over Nathan's head.

Nathan: What is this?

Voice: _Would you like to play a game?_

Nathan: No.

Voice: Come on!

Nathan: ….Peter….what do you want?

Peter rips off the pillow case.

Peter: I need your help. Ted has issues with gravity and I need you to help him conquer his fears and nausea so he can get into space so we can save the world!

Nathan: How the hell am I supposed to do that!

In the Space Station Parking Lot, Peter and Claire watch as _Nathan and Ted are tied to each other_.

Nathan: I guess I got my answer.

Claire: I'm no scientist…but how exactly is this going to work?

Peter: Simple. Nathan takes off into the air….Ted throws up…

Nathan: _Thanks for tying us face to face by the way_…

Peter: aaaand…..the rest kinda….ferrrderbrr(mumble)(mumble)

Claire: What was that?

Peter: Okay, Bro! Take off!

Nathan: I wasn't trying to be cute, is he going to puke on me?

Ted: I might.

Peter: Or get upset and blow up.

Nathan: _BLOW UP!_

Peter: But if you have to do that, just keep heading up and aim towards the asteroid. That would make my job _so _much easier.

Nathan: Here goes.

Ted: I'm not liking this.

Nathan jumps, him and Ted fly off upward.

Claire: Did you ever explain how flying with Nathan is going to prevent Ted from getting motion sickness?

Peter: Nope.

Claire: I see.

Nathan (up high): AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Claire: Why is Nathan screaming?

Peter: ….(Looks at Claire)

Claire: ….oh.

Sylar is banging his head on a desk in the abandoned warehouse.

Sylar: Okay, pal, you've showed me like….20 people with horrible abilities. You're like uneducated Mohinder!

At The Company…

Mohinder (eating lunch): …oooohhh….

Mohinder gets a chill, he smiles to himself.

Niki: What the hell are you doing?

Mohinder: Somewhere…..someone….._gave me a compliment_…..

Niki: I hate you.

Back at the warehouse.

Joe: No biggie, now remember, you don't have to kill anybody to get powers back.

Sylar: Uh…I was more worried about the fact that nobody you've given me had _anything useful_. I don't care about killing them.

Joe: Hmm….you don't need to kill anybody…..you just need the brain….._I can get you a brain!_

Sylar: …_JUST the brain?_

Joe: Yes.

Sylar: Doesn't….doesn't it need to be…._connected_…or something?

Joe: Nope. BRB!

Joe runs off.

Sylar: _Brb? Who talks like that?_

Joe comes back.

Joe: Better idea, you come with me!

Meanwhile…

Matt is walking down the hall, carrying some papers….he passes by a copy machine. He grins.

Matt: Hmm….But I have all this paperwork.

Matt tosses them in a trash can.

Matt: DONE!

Matt runs over to the copy machine….he looks around.

Mohinder and Niki were walking down the hall.

Niki: How is Matt going to pay back his ex? This job doesn't pay _that great_.

Mohinder: I don't know. He'll find a way. I really appreciate being hired back though.

Niki: Just don't get fired.

They walk by the copy room, they step back. Matt is sitting on the copy machine….._sans pants_.

Mohinder: I guess I'm not worried about getting fired.

Matt: Hey….you guys…..what's up?

Niki: Okay, I didn't need to see any of that. Mohinder, you sanitize the copy machine….

Mohinder: WHAT?

Niki: …if you need me I'll be jumping out that window over there.

She leaves. Mohinder looks at Matt.

Matt: May I interest you in a copy?

Mohinder: uh, NO!

Matt: Ah….okay…..

Mohinder: …

Matt: …Well, I guess I'll let you get to work.

Matt hops off the copy machine, puts his pants back on, and walks out.

Mohinder: ….

Elsewhere….

Peter: Okay Ted, how do you feel?

Ted: Not so hot…..but I think I'll manage.

Peter: Good, because we can't keep having _Nathan's suits dry cleaned._ We'll go broke!

Nathan, wearing some gym shorts and a t-shirt reading '_Bun In The Oven'_.

Nathan: Where did this shirt come from?

Peter: I thought I was pregnant last week so I did some clothes shopping.

Nathan: Pete? _Do we need to have that talk again?_

Peter: Probably.

Claire: ANYWAY! Can we get on the stupid space ship now?

Peter: Yeah, they should be ready for us.

Peter walks up to the clerk.

Peter: Hi, we're supposed to go into space.

Clerk: Name?

Peter: Petrelli, Peter.

Clerk: Ah, I see your appointment got pushed. Okay, go ahead and get ready.

Claire: I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be this easy.

Peter: It's 2010, Claire! Get with the times.

Claire: Hmm.

Nathan: I'll see you later.

Peter: You have to come with us!

Nathan: WHY!

Peter: To coach Ted, what if he has a meltdown. You're supposed to cheer him on.

Nathan: All I did was ask him not to throw up on me…._and we all know how that turned out_.

Peter: But, do you really want to go home wearing that….ma's gonna ask about the suit she bought you for Christmas.

Nathan: Hand me a space suit.

Meanwhile….at the…

Sylar: _Why are we at a morgue?_

Joe: To get you a brain! There's got to be one lying around here somewhere!

Sylar: That's disgusting!

Joe: Oh, come now….you've done much worse.

Sylar: Yeah, in like…Season One…..but then I repented….then reverted….then repented….then reverted….then repented….I think I'm on reverted again.

Joe: You sure are! Now get digging!

Sylar pulls out a body from one of the shelves.

Sylar: Uh….am I supposed to cut…..or something?

Joe: Just reach in there and get it.

Sylar: Okay….here goes.

The dead guy's nose lights up. BZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Joe: Aw, _you touched the sides!_

Sylar: Dammit! Give me a real person, you fool!

Joe: You're no fun. Here.

Joe pulls out another person.

Sylar: How am I supposed to know if they have powers?

Joe: You….don't.

Sylar: Wait, aren't you the one spouting off our futures with that _stupid comic book_? Throw me a freaking bone here!

Joe: All I can tell you is that whatever we're doing is probably not going to work or is going to be thwarted in the long run.

Sylar: _Well duh! Even I knew that!_

Sylar takes a scalpel and cuts open someone.

Joe: Ew!

Sylar: EW! You're getting grossed out? This was your idea!

Joe: I know….I just….nevermind, just finish.

Sylar starts feeling around the brain.

Sylar: I would think they need to be alive in order for this to work.

Joe: Nah….keep digging.

Sylar: …..I'm telling you it's…oh!...what is this?

Joe: What?

Sylar: I…..I sense something….something….sinister…..I like it.

Joe: What is it?

Sylar: It's a power…..locked away by the fact that this guy is dead….but….I feel it…_I feel the power_.

Joe: Okay, _He-Man._

Sylar: He-man says '_I have the power'_, get it right, bub!

Joe: No he didn't!

Sylar: Yes he did! Shut up! I know more about cartoons than you.

Joe: No way!

Sylar takes the brain out and throws it at Joe.

Joe: UGH! WHAT THE!

Sylar squints.

Joe squints.

Both: _BODY PART FIGHT!_

They both reach inside and grab random organs and slinging them at each other.

**Attention: The FCC has deemed the show 'Heroes' to graphically violent to continue airing on network television. From this scene forth, the show will now air on 'Showtime'**_**.**_

Sylar: Can they do that?

Joe: ….maybe?

Sylar: Does that mean we can keep going?

Joe: ….yes?

They start slinging parts at each other.

Sylar: Whoa! You almost got me with that kidney!

They laugh.

Okay, enough of that…..

Joe (to Sylar): So….you have a power?

Sylar: …yes…..I have the power…..see, _now I'm quoting He-man_.

Joe: WHATEVER!

Sylar: It's time to be bad…..

Sylar turns and walks away.

Mohinder and Matt walk into Micah's office….Niki is at his desk, on a computer.

Niki: Okay _drones_….Micah, Noah, Elle and The Haitian had to go on a quick business meeting across town, so I'm in charge.

Mohinder: Okay.

Matt: That copy machine hurt my butt….

Niki: And since I'm in charge, I'll be using the Company Credit Card to buy us a new copy machine…_because somebody broke it._

Matt: Mohinder!

Mohinder: It wasn't me!

Niki (looking at her e-mail): Now, I hope that the two of you can hold down the fort while I'm….(pause)….._What in the world is ''?_

Matt: UH….

Mohinder: I have a better idea…

Matt: Mohinder's right!

Mohinder: I…I didn't say anything yet!

Matt: You should give _us_ the card and we can go buy the new copier!

Niki: Wow…_what a horrible idea!_

Mohinder: I guess he has a point…you are in charge…but don't give him the card.

Niki: Well, duh…hmm…..I am in charge….okay. Go buy the copier and _NOTHING ELSE_….and come back here and _NOWHERE ELSE_.

Matt: You can trust us, Niki….._we're good little employees_.

The choir angels sing as a halo appears over Matt's head….the light burns out and the halo falls to the ground.

Matt: …bad sign?

Mohinder: ….bad sign.

Niki opens the job listings in the paper.

Outside…

Matt: MOHINDER!

Mohinder: AHH! Why are you yelling?

Matt: This is the answer to all our problems!

Mohinder: What?

Matt: We'll use the company credit card to buy something _so nice_, Janice will let us off the hook.

Mohinder: That does solve all your problems!

Matt: Yuppers!

Mohinder: Except for your newfound problems of being in debt with the company and _Niki_ killing you.

Matt: Not worried about Niki, she tries to kill me every day….being in debt to the company wouldn't look good on my employee record.

Mohinder: You think?

Matt: I'll play it by ear….

_At Best Buy_…

Matt: Hey! There's no butts here!

Mohinder: Ugh….let's just go to the clerk.

Clerk: Can I help you?

Matt: Your most expensive _iTunes gift card, please!_

Mohinder: UGH!...NO!...I need…(looks around)…...a washer and dryer….

Matt: AHEM!

Mohinder: ….and a TV….

Matt: I burned down the _full condo_…

Mohinder: …._a huge tv…_

Matt: …..and the iTunes gift card….

Mohinder (gritting): …._and the iTunes gift card…_

Matt: …._and an iPod so she can play music from iTunes_….

Mohinder: …groan…

Later, Claire, Nathan, Peter, and Ted are on the Rocket.

Claire: Am I the only one feeling like we didn't get enough training?

Nathan: Speak for yourself! I didn't get any training!

_Preparing For Liftoff: T Minus 10 seconds…_

_9…_

_8…_

_7…_

_6…_

_5…_

_4…_

_3…_

_2…_

_1…_

_LIFTOFF!_

Claire: ….

Nathan: ….

Peter: …..

Ted: …

Nathan: ….

Claire: …um…._Why aren't we moving!_

_Announcer: Sorry, the launch guy was at lunch._

Peter: I think _he was at 'launch'_! Get it?

Ted: Groan….

Claire: Someone please punch him.

Nathan punches Peter in the thigh.

Peter: Ow!

Launch Guy: Sorry, guys! I'm back!

Peter: Hey, how was your _launch?_

Launch Guy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Peter: See, he liked the joke.

Claire: _SOMEBODY LAUNCH THE DAMN ROCKET BEFORE I KILL SOMEONE!_

Launch Guy: Launching!

_Preparing for launch: T minus 10 seconds_…

_9…_

_8…_

_7…_

_6…_

_5…_

_4…_

_3…_

Claire: …..

Nathan: …..

Peter: ….Did anyone catch _House_ last week?

Ted: Yeah, it was the one where they get the diagnosis wrong _three times_ before finally getting it right on the _fourth time_.

Peter: Oh, I've seen that one!

Claire (crying): WHY WON'T THIS THING GO! WAAAAAAAH!

Launch Guy: Okay, we're back in business. Are you guys ready?

Everyone starts screaming.

Launch Guy: That's a YES! Okay, let's get this puppy going…In 5…4…3…2…1….

_To Be Continued_.


	18. Spaced

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.18)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

Hiro: _Previously on Heroes_….

Daphne: The next disaster is The Tidal Wave.

Hiro appears on top of the hotel and shifts time and space, altering the moon, preventing the tidal wave.

Niki and Tracy stand there as Hiro lies unconscious.

News Anchor: Scientists are baffled about the altered state of the moon….but don't care enough to look into it. So we'll just continue on with our lives.

In Hiro's hospital room…

Ando: So…let me make sure I have this. You were fighting Dimitri back at the warehouse….then a_ mountain lion_ comes in and tells you something. You then head off to this place called _Bongo Island_ and manipulate time and space to alter the position of the moon for some undisclosed reason.

Hiro: ….yes?

Ando: I've heard crazier things.

Peter: It's up to us to stop the asteroid!

Peter, Claire, and Ted go through some tests.

Claire: This isn't working.

Peter: I know who can help us!

Nathan: NO!

Joe, the comic book enthusiast, approaches Sylar.

Joe: I can help you get your powers back.

Joe shows Sylar a body at the morgue.

Sylar: I'm pretty sure the guy has to be alive….right?

Joe: I don't see why….

Sylar: I….I sense something…..A power I've never felt before.

Joe: Care to share it with the rest of the class?

Sylar: No.

Joe: Well, okay then.

Matt and Mohinder burn down the condo.

Mohinder: WRONG! All Matt! I had nothing to do with this…

Matt: Snitch!

Janice: Get me the money for that condo….or ELSE!

Micah (to Niki): I need you to supervise Matt and Mohinder.

Niki: Yippie!

Matt breaks the copy machine.

Niki: I can't believe I'm doing this….take the company credit card and go get a new one.

Matt (to Mohinder): We can buy Janice's forgiveness with this! Then we can quit this job!

Niki: Uh, Matt, _you were supposed to tell that to Mohinder 'outside'. I can totally hear you!_

Matt: OOPS!

Outside…

Matt (to Mohinder): We can buy Janice's forgiveness with this!

Mohinder: Okay, shut up already!

Peter, Claire, Ted, and Nathan are in the rocket, the countdown has begun.

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…..

_Peter and Company  
In the rocket  
HEROES! IN! SPAAACE!_

Peter opens his eyes, he feels weightless. He stands up, realizing he's above the others. He bends his legs and jumps forward, floating past…

_Chapter Eighteen 'Spaced'_

Peter: Claire! Grab my hand!

Claire: Busy. Can't help you.

Peter collides against the ground.

Claire: Why is it so hard to make a hot dog?

Claire grabs the ketchup bottle and squeezes; a stream of ketchup floats into the air. The hot dog weenie floats out of the bun and into the air.

Claire: Space sucks!

_Sylar and Joe The Comic Book Enthusiast _  
_Somewhere in the hills  
The hills are alive with the sound of villainy!_

Sylar is walking through the fields, Joe is following.

Joe: Hey, stop! Where are you going?

Sylar: I'm about to show you my power!

Above the hill is a small town.

Sylar: Watch the destruction!

Sylar lifts his hands…

Joe: …

Sylar: …

Joe: …Hmm.

Sylar: …I…thought I had a power.

Joe pulls out his comic book.

Joe: Hmm…..oh! I get it.

Sylar: If you know all the answers _why are you so clueless?_

Joe: You have the ability to…._manipulate tattoos in a form of clairvoyance._

Sylar: ….wait….I'm pretty sure I had that one already…a while back.

Joe: No, this is a little different.

Later, Sylar has the back of his shirt lifted up; _Joe is applying a temporary tattoo from a Cracker Jack box_ onto his back.

Joe: Okay, lets dampen it a bit…..pressing down…waiting…..and….

He rips the paper off.

Joe: _It's a Zebra!_...I think….

Sylar: ….I can never win…..

**= = =HEROES= = =**

Nathan is trying to sleep. Peter floats over to him; trying to poke him with his finger, he misses and jabs Nathan in the eye.

Nathan: uh…OW!

Peter: Sorry bro, I can't sleep.

Nathan: Imagine that! _Neither can I._

Peter: Being in space, huh? Pretty crazy!

Nathan: Did NASA or whatever actually approve of you using their multi-million dollar equipment to blow up the asteroid?

Peter: Why does it always have to be about you, bro? Why can't we talk about my problems?

Nathan: What? _This is totally your problem._

Peter: We'll get to you in a minute….sheesh!

Nathan: Where's the air lock on this thing?

_Janice  
Janice's Office  
Let's get this over quick, we have to shoot 'Undercovers' in here in 20 minutes….oh, we don't? WHEW! Sucks to be them!_

Mohinder: That's so wrong…

Janice makes her way to her office to find the door already opened.

Janice: Huh?

She opens it, Matt and Mohinder jump from behind the desk.

Matt: TA-DA!

Janice: ….

Janice looks around the office to see a brand new desk, computer, chandelier, chair, television, washer and dryer, carpet, jewelry, and a _wallet sized photo of a brand new car!_

Matt (looking at the picture): _I'm not THAT stupid_.

Mohinder: I'm shocked Best Buy had this crap.

Janice: What the hell is all this?

Matt: Our apology….to you….

Janice: Are you bribing me?

Matt: ….yes.

Janice: I don't take bribes, Matt!

She pauses.

Janice (pointing at a box): What is that?

Matt: Oh nothing…_just a box of puppies!_

Matt opens the box.

Puppies: YIP! YIP!

Janice: …._I love puppies_!

Matt: See, Mohinder? All we needed was the puppies. Their cuteness almost makes up for the _700,000 dollars we racked up on the company credit card._

Mohinder: Unbelievable…..

Back at The Company.

Niki (screaming): _YOU WHAT!_

Clerk (on the phone): I'm sorry, we don't have _The Never Ending Pasta Bowl_.

Niki: Because you suck! That's why! Never again will I eat at _The Olive Garden_!

Clerk (on phone): Lady, for the last time we're _Pizza Hut!_

CLICK!

Matt and Mohinder walk in.

Niki: I need to yell at you two.

Matt: What now?

Niki picks up an envelope that is stuffed to the max.

Niki: I got a credit card statement in the mail and normally these things aren't that big. This one from the company that finances _us _looks like someone packed a handful of birds in it. Care to explain, _Parkman?_

Matt (to Mohinder): We just used that card _today_; how does she have the statement already!

Niki pops the envelope with a letter opener, papers go flying. She catches one.

Niki: Lots of purchases from Best Buy….

She looks over Matt's shoulder.

Niki: And judging by the fact that none of these luxurious items are _in your possession_. They were used to pay off your wife. So, for that, I congratulate you.

Matt: Niki actually approves of something _I did?_

Mohinder: I am shocked and appalled.

Niki: Now…how are you going to pay back _The Company_ before Micah fires all of us?

Matt and Mohinder look at each other.

Sylar and Joe are driving back.

Sylar: I am very disappointed in all of this.

Joe: Well….we'll get back and try harder.

Sylar picks up Joe's cell phone which is vibrating.

Sylar (looking at the phone): _Who is Lilith?_

Joe snags the phone away from him.

Joe: Don't worry about it.

Joe starts sweating.

Sylar: Uh….are you okay?

Joe: No….I failed. It's over.

Sylar: Well, you did fail…._massively. _But we can just go back to the morgue and….

Joe: We weren't supposed to go to the morgue.

Sylar: Say what now?

Joe: Sigh…she's someone who I'm working for.

Sylar: This _Lilith_ woman?

Joe: Yes. She wants Peter to succeed in blowing up the asteroid.

Sylar: So…she's good?

Joe: Only because, like I warned him….his victory is only leading up to an even bigger disaster. One he won't be able to stop.

Sylar: So….she's bad?

Joe: I thought the only way I could stop Peter from using Ted was to kill him, because Peter letting the asteroid hit would have been the lesser of two evils. Lilith wouldn't have prevailed.

Sylar: So….you're good?

Joe: But then she hired me to get you back into the villain business and kill Peter. Because he is the only one that can use _her own power against her_.

Sylar: Well…and me.

Joe: No, he just needs to be near a person…you need to perform brain surgery. He wins when it comes to speed.

Sylar: It's not a race, pal.

Joe: But I've been creating a diversion, trying to prevent you from kill Peter. Because he needs her power to beat her at her own game.

Sylar (intrigued): And…what power would that be?

Joe slams on the breaks.

Joe: She's been watching us….this entire time.

Sylar: Uh…creepy.

Joe: This is the end.

Sylar: I'm lost. Why did you work for her if she's bad?

Joe: I didn't have a choice.

Sylar looks ahead; _a large bear blocks their path_.

Joe: Take this.

Joe hands Sylar the comic book.

Sylar: No thanks. I only read _Betty And Veronica Digest_…_Did I just say that out loud?_

Joe (hands gripped on the wheel): Turn to Page 78.

Sylar: Uh, okay….I don't see what the big deal….oh….(looking at the page)….There's me….and you….are….whoa, something bad is about to happen to….

The driver's side door rips off. The bear grabs Joe and slings him out of the car.

Sylar (looking at the book): Yup….that's pretty accurate. Oh wait….

Sylar gets out.

Sylar: HEY! Stupid bear. Pick on someone your own size…..not me of course.

Sylar runs around to help Joe. The bear slings his paw into Sylar, sending him flying into the car.

Sylar: OOF!...ow…..that stung…..

The bear saunters off, Joe is lying on the ground in a pool of blood. Sylar limps toward him.

Sylar: Not good, not good. Joe! Speak to me!

Sylar flips through the comic book.

Sylar: What's up with the blank pages after 78?

Joe: …Sylar….you must….._take my power_.

Sylar: You have a power? And you were holding out on me….rude.

Joe: That may be a ninth wonders comic….._but I have been drawing in them_.

Sylar: _I knew these didn't come from Isaac Mendez_…

Joe: You will have to see….._what the future holds_.

Sylar: Oh come on! _Everybody on the show has had that power_! I don't want _pre-cognitive artwork_! It's boring….especially when the future looks bad for me.

Joe: Help Peter….stop Lilith…..and….Max…..

Joe: …..

Sylar: …..

Joe: …

Sylar: _WHO THE HELL IS MAX?_

Matt and Mohinder burst through Niki's door.

Matt: Hey, Niki! We…(pauses)…..Do you work in here now?

Niki: I told you. Micah, Bennet, and the rest are at a business meeting. I'm in charge…..what do you want?

Matt: We found a way to win back all the money to pay off the card.

Niki: That's good.

Matt: It directly involves you.

Niki: That's not good.

Matt: No….get this. You heard of the show _Hollywood Squares_?

Niki: I am familiar with that program….and the fact that it's no longer on the air.

Matt: No, but they are filming a special in New York. You can get on there and win us money.

Niki: You want me to be a contestant.

Matt: Oh, heavens no…_You are going to be in the square._ Mohinder and I will be celebrities.

Niki: I'm not a celebrity…..well, except for that whole _internet strip_….nevermind.

Matt: Oh no…you are going as this woman.

Matt holds up a picture of actress _Ali Larter_.

Niki: What? I don't look anything like her.

Matt: What are you talking about? You could be sisters! Since you have like _20 different identical twins running around the city_.

Niki: I'm not posing as a celebrity, nobody will fall for it.

Matt: Heh, heh….about that.

Niki: I don't like the sound of that '_heh, heh'_.

Matt: They kinda…already did…..fall for it.

Niki: Huh?

Matt: Mohinder and I are set to be contestants. You will be the top center square…._Miss Larter_.

Niki: You buffoon! How are you planning to get anything out of this!

Matt: Mohinder and I are competing…but on the same side, we'll take our money and pay off the card.

Niki: ….so…why do I need to be there?

Matt: Well, the celebrities don't just go on there for free. I'm sure they are paid handsomely for their appearance.

Niki: I doubt it.

Matt: Not only that, you can help us win.

Niki: Great idea! (eye roll)…Are the other 8 squares going to help you win?

Matt: You leave the other 8 squares to me.

Niki looks at Mohinder….he nods. Matt leaves.

Mohinder: I'm starting to notice a pattern of you going along with Matt's schemes…_what's wrong with you_?

Niki: We've known each other for a while now….I'm just a nice person.

Mohinder: …

Niki: …okay, I'm not a nice person; I just want to see Matt make an idiot of himself.

Mohinder: I'll keep that in mind, _Miss Larter_.

Mohinder leaves.

Niki: ….idiot.

Meanwhile…IN SPACE!

Peter: _Captain's Log…Star date…24601…_We are in space. In a sea of stars. You can say this is a _Trek _through the _Stars_. I am now assisting Claire in braiding her hair.

Claire: You're what?

Peter: It's a huge mess…I have failed my mission. End Captain's Log.

Claire: Peter, did you just take a chunk of my hair _and tie it in a knot?_

Peter: Uh, duh! It's called _braiding_.

Claire: AHHHH! You did! There's a huge knot in my hair!

Nathan: Why do you think _I cut my hair so short_?

Claire: That….I can't imagine.

Nathan: It was 10 years ago.

-_10 years ago-_

A damsel in distress is lying down in the middle of a field…distressing.

Damsel: Won't somebody save me?

Nathan comes riding up on a horse; his long, _golden blonde_ _hair_ _flowing in the summer breeze like a handful of spaghetti in a wind tunnel_.

Claire and Ted are on the field.

Claire: _What the hell kind of metaphor is that?_

Ted: And why are you riding a horse when you can fly?

Nathan: SHUT UP! Anyway….

Nathan rides up.

Nathan: Good day, damsel! May I offer my services?

Claire: EW! I don't want to hear this!

Nathan (screaming at Claire): _Would you let me finish the freaking story! UGH!_

Nathan (to damsel): I've come to rescue you!

Damsel: What are your credentials?

Nathan: Oh I don't know….how about this?

Nathan rips off his shirt to reveal his _30 pack abs_.

Ted: _Holy crap! _(Turning his head) You look like you just swallowed a ton of baseballs.

Claire: You do realize that's anatomically impossible. Just saying.

Nathan: If you two don't stop interrupting my story I'm blowing up the ship!

Claire and Ted walk away.

Ted: Well, excuse us…

Claire: Just offering some constructive criticism. Jerk!

Nathan: Come with me, Damsel!

The Damsel hops on the horse and they ride away.

Damsel: Oh Sir Nathan, brave noble knight. Where do you come from?

Nathan: I come from _The Land…Of…The…Lord Of The Rings?_

Claire: You mean _Middle-Earth?_

Nathan: OH MY GOD! SHUT UP!

Claire (to Ted): He's making us listen to this stupid story but we're not allowed to talk.

Ted: So rude.

Claire: Totally rude!

Nathan: Let us ride into the sunset while we eat our '_I can't believe it's not butter!'_

Damsel: I'll grab the royal bagels!

_And they lived happily ever after for about 20 seconds_.

Damsel: What is this?

The Damsel lifts up Nathan's hair…._which is tied in a knot_!

Damsel: Wow, this makes you look pretty stupid. BYE!

The Damsel hops off the horse. Some goblins run up and take her away to make her into a fine _Damsel stew_.

Nathan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Back on the ship.

Claire: Are you done?

Nathan: Yes.

Ted: That was the worst story I have ever heard.

Peter: I wasn't even in it! _I played the pivotal role of tying his hair in a knot_.

Claire: Why did you do that?

Peter: Because he looked stupid with it! I was saving the world….sort of.

Ted: I don't think they had '_I can't believe it's not butter' _in Medieval Times.

Nathan: THAT'S IT! I'm blowing up the ship!

Nathan floats to the front of the rocket, out the window; he sees the asteroid headed straight towards them.

Nathan: Hmm….not good.

Meanwhile, at a tv studio downtown.

Niki is walking around backstage. She approaches the craft services table.

Niki: Oh wow…this looks amazing!

Niki picks up an entire turkey and is about to bite into it.

Producer: Miss Larter?

Niki spits out the turkey, throwing the cooked bird behind her, knocking out a stage hand.

Niki: Yes?

Producer: I'm so glad you could make it to the show. We had to make last minute arrangements to fill in for Pee Wee Herman.

Niki (to herself): _How did Mohinder and Matt know that Ali Larter was going to be a replacement…what the hell did they do with Pee Wee Herman?_

_IT'S TIME FOR HOLLYWOOD SQUARES!_

Host: That's right! It's time to play most people's favorite game show! These are our contestants, Matt Parkman and Mohinder…

Mohinder: DOCTOR!

Host: Ugh…._Doctor Mohinder Suresh_.

Mohinder: Extraordinary Scientist.

Host: I'm not saying that. Okay, Matt you won the imaginary coin toss. You can start.

Matt: I'll take _Niki for the block_.

Host: There has to be other filled in squares to block, and who is Niki?

Matt: ….

Mohinder (wide eyed), looks at Matt.

Matt: My….pet name…..for….Ali Larter?

Host: ….._Okay, I'll buy that. _This question for Ali Larter!

Niki bangs her head on the desk. Mohinder's heart rate goes back down.

Host: Okay, Ali, _The Nile River is the longest river in the world, following in second is The Amazon River._ _What is the name of the third largest river, which is also the largest river in Asia?_

Niki: Hmm…

Matt: _You're supposed to make a witty rebuttal! _

Host: Stop talking.

Niki: I'm going to say the _Yangtze River_.

Host: Matt?

Matt: There's no way she could know that.

Host: That's nice, can you answer now?

Matt: I get my game shows mixed up. Is this the show with the _lifelines, vowels, or Whammy's?_

Host: Neither!

Matt: Well, crap a duck…

Host: How did you get through contestant auditions?

Matt: I'm charming?

The host takes a breath.

Host (gritting): _Do you agree or disagree with her answer!_

Matt: ….I'll…disagree.

Niki glares, muttering something.

Host: Okay, circle gets the square.

Matt: Sweet.

Host: You are X. You're losing.

Matt: Aw…

Back in space…

Claire: We're going to run directly into it!

Nathan: Looks like it?

Claire: By the way, Peter, what was your plan to ditch this thing?

Peter: Well….Ted would use his blow up power….and take the asteroid with it.

Ted: So….I die then?

Peter: Um….well, if you put it like _that _it sounds bad but…..

Claire: …

Peter: I know, you can use this vial of Claire's blood to heal yourself, I think everyone on the show has had that done to them at least once.

Claire: _When and where did you get that?_

Peter: Not important.

Ted: I have a feeling that's not going to work.

Claire: Well, we need to think of something before we all die….except for me.

Peter: Yeah, we get it, you can't die…..

Ted: No….this is to save the world. You three get on the escape pod.

Nathan: We actually have one of those?

Claire: Get out! Really? If I knew that I would have escaped hours ago.

Ted: I will blow up the ship and the asteroid…..Like that comic book guy said, a greater evil awaits….

Peter: Oh, you were actually listening to him?

Ted: Go, there's no time.

Claire: There's got to be another way!

Peter: You can stay here with him.

Claire: …._There's got to be another way!_

Ted: I'll be fine. Go!

Nathan floats over to the escape pod door.

Nathan: I still can't believe I missed this.

Claire: Goodbye, Ted. If you happen to float back to Earth, I can heal you.

Peter: Or just use this. (He hands Ted the vial of Claire's blood.)

Claire: You're not just handing those out to everybody are you.

Peter (shifts eyes): Nooo….

Claire: Hmm.

The three of them get inside the pod.

Nathan: Good luck!

Nathan hits a button. The pod releases from the rocket and aims back towards Earth. Ted walks up to the front and stares out the window, he looks at the vial in his hand. Then back out into space. Claire looks at the rocket, which explodes. A large radioactive cloud of dust fizzles into space as shrapnel and pieces of the asteroid are sent into different directions.

Peter: The asteroid….has been _de-steroid._

Nathan and Claire look at Peter.

Peter: Okay, that was stupid….

Claire (to Nathan): See? He's learning.

Nathan: They grow up so fast.

Peter: What the hell are you two talking about?

Back at The Squares!

Host: Okay, Mohinder, you won by default since Matt got _all his questions wrong._

Matt (from backstage, yelling): _I did it for us, Mohinder!_

Host and Mohinder: SHUT UP!

Host: Okay, choose a celebrity for your final question.

Mohinder: Ali Larter.

Niki: Yay….

Host: Okay, Mohinder, get this right, and you will win an incredible vacation!

Mohinder: Ooh….wait….Can't we just have money?

Host: Nope. Vacation. Okay, Niki….

_Brad Garrett, _in the square next to Niki, stands up.

Brad Garret: I got something to say! (pointing at Niki) _That woman is an imposter_!

The audience gasps.

Host: Say what?

Brad Garrett: I'm actually following Ali Larter on _Twitter_ and she just tweeted that she's filming a movie _RIGHT NOW_.

The audience gasps.

Niki: Uh…

Host: I quit.

Audience Voices: _You violated the sanctity of the Squares! She's an imposter! What the hell did she do with Pee Wee Herman?_

Niki: Dammit, Brad Garrett! You see, _this is why Everybody Loves Raymond_!

Niki runs for it.

Whoopi Goldberg: Seize her!

Martin Mull: She's getting away.

Siegfried and Roy: We'll stop her!

They unleash a Tiger.

Betty White: Break her legs!

Niki: You must be joking! You guys are psychos!

Matt runs on stage.

Matt: I got them! I got the vacation passes!

Mohinder: What are we going to do about the credit card!

Matt: Phh! Who cares about that? We're going on a vacation!

Niki runs past them, being chased by a Tiger, and a slew of celebrities.

Matt: Gotta go get packed and buy some things for the trip. I think there's some money left of the card I can rack up.

Mohinder: What just happened….?

Matt: I'll tell you what happened. We're going to….

Sylar: …_Disney World?_

Sylar is sitting next to the car, and next to Joe's dead body. Looking at the comic book.

Sylar: Okay, Joe….I know you're dead and all but you're kinda left me in a bind.

Sylar is drawing in the blank pages of the comic book.

Sylar: You just had to have a boring power….hmm?

Sylar flips back a few pages to Joe purchasing airplane tickets. Sylar reaches in Joe's pocket and takes them.

Sylar: _Florida, huh?_

Sylar draws something else.

Sylar: Ooh….That's interesting…..I might get the power to do _that?_ Okay, I'm sold.

Sylar lays Joe on the ground, he hops in the car.

Sylar: I'll send someone to pick you up, Joe. In the meantime…I'm going to….

Mayor Of New York: _Walt Disney World!_

Back in the city, Peter, Claire, and Nathan are at an award ceremony.

Claire: I beg your pardon.

Mayor: I present you, Peter Petrelli…Claire Bennet…and Former Mayor Nathan Petrelli….

Nathan: Grr…

Mayor: These honorary 'I saved the world' ribbons.

Claire: Weak!

Mayor: That's not all….As a big 'Thank You' from the city….You three are also being sent to _the happiest place on Earth!_

Nathan: _My old job_?

Claire: _High School popularity_?

Peter: IHOP?

Mayor: Uh…no…..We're sending you to….

Noah: _Disney World_?

Micah: Yup.

Micah, Noah, Elle, and The Haitian are eating lunch.

Elle: EEEEEE! Really! I love Disney World!

Micah: Yeah, we're going to go there.

Noah: I thought this was a business meeting?

Micah: It kinda is….you see….._Disney bought us out_.

Noah: WHAT!

Micah: One of their guys contacted me and wanted to merge with us. So nothing much will change…except that we'll have to start going by _Disney's The Company._

Noah: That's worse than _The Company Deux_!

Micah: Did I mention we'll all get raises?

Noah: ….you…did not.

Micah: Well…we'll all get raises.

Noah: So, what happens now?

Micah: We book our flight. We're leaving for their corporate offices in Disney World tomorrow.

Noah looks at The Haitian. The Haitian looks at Elle who is already wearing _Mickey Mouse Ears_.

Elle: Here we come…

Daphne: _Disney. World._

Ando: Huh?

Daphne: Can you believe I was able to pull this off? Hiro was been stuck in the hospital for 2 weeks, I convinced one of those '_Make A Wish'_ thingies to send Hiro and us to Disney World.

Ando: I can't believe you lied to a charitable organization.

Daphne: It's not technically a lie….Hiro's sick….-ish…..

Ando: I suppose we can go tell him.

Daphne: We sure will.

They start walking.

Ando: Why did you go through this much trouble for Disney World?….Can't you just run there in like…4 seconds?

Daphne: Uh…I still have to get in, Ando. They have pretty tight security. I can't speed through all the rides!

Ando: I guess that makes sense.

They walk up to the doctor.

Daphne: Excuse us. We need to see Hiro.

Doctor: I'm afraid that's not possible.

The doctor turns around…_it is Daniel Linderman_.

Linderman: _Hiro Nakamura is dead_.

Daphne: …

Ando: ….

Daphne: ….

Ando: …..

Linderman: ….

Daphne: ….No he's not.

Linderman: Yes he is….sorry about that….good day.

Linderman steps into Hiro's room and closes the door.

Daphne: Yeah, we're going to have to look into this.

Ando: Looks like saving the world is up to me!

Daphne: As if! You're _my_ sidekick.

Ando: WHAT? I was here before you!

Daphne: But I have powers. You don't.

Ando: Once I figure out what happened to my red lightning…oooh….you'll see.

Daphne: Uh huh….Let's go.

Linderman walks up to Hiro, who is asleep. His eyes open.

Hiro: Oh my goodness! It's _Donald Sutherland!_

Linderman: _I AM NOT DONALD SUTHERLAND!_ Why does everybody keep saying that? We don't look anything alike!

Hiro: I'm such a big fan, Mr. Sutherland. OOH! Can you introduce me to Kiefer? He's my favorite actor!

Linderman: I'll see if he's busy….wait….I'M NOT….you know what, forget it. Listen Hiro, _you are dead_.

Hiro: Geez, all I wanted was to meet Kiefer Sutherland!

Linderman (getting angry): Your friends think you're dead. And it needs to stay that way.

Hiro: Why?

Linderman: Because….I need your help.

Hiro: ….

Miles away, in the middle of an air field. A hole is in the ground. An arm comes up from the hole and grabs onto the ground. _Ted rises from the hole in the ground. _He looks at the empty blood vial in his hand.

Ted: Well, I'll be damned.

Much later, in _Walt Disney World_. Lilith is standing in the middle of a crowd of people. She gets on her phone.

Lilith (on the phone): Yes….Joe is dead, he is of no more use to me. No…I didn't kill Sylar. He should be on his way here now…..I'll be waiting for him.

Lilith gets off the phone and walks away. Disappearing into the crowd of people.

_To Be Continued_…


	19. The Fine Print

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.19)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

A door opens to Peter's apartment. Peter comes into view as he walks up to the five portraits. The first three have been three are now burned up, with the latest one burned thanks to Peter saving the world from the asteroid. Well, it was more like Ted saving everyone…

Peter: Oh come on! I helped!

He looks at the next picture, which shows people running for their lives at an amusement park.

Peter: Man, I wish I knew where this was. Oh well, better get my bags packed for _Disney World_.

Voice: It is at Disney World, you dolt!

Daphne appears.

Peter: Daphne! Do not worry. I will finish stopping this prophecy…whatever it is. I will avenge your death!

Daphne: Uh, I'm not dead. I'm…right here.

Peter: So…what are you doing here?

Daphne: I've come to wish you good luck. I have a feeling you winning the Disney World trip is leading into a trap.

Peter: Thank you for your concern….hey, where's Hiro?

Daphne: Oh, yeah, I need to get back to that. Bye!

Daphne swooshes away; the force of her speed makes stuff tumble out of the closet, as well as plates flying out of the kitchen cupboards, crashing onto the floor.

Peter: Well, I'm not picking that up.

Daphne swooshes into Hiro's hospital room, the force of her speed makes Hiro's food tray flies off his lap.

Hiro: My jello cup!

Daphne: Hiro, what happened? What did that creepy man say? He told me and Ando….(turns to him)…Ando.

Ando: Daphne.

Daphne: ….he told us that you were dead!

Hiro: Well, he still wanted you to think that, but then he left. So if he asks…tell him you still think I'm dead.

Daphne: Why?

Hiro: He just wanted my help, that's all.

Daphne: With what?

Hiro: I cannot say.

Ando: Hmm. Anyway, we can introduce you with your surprise.

Hiro: My surprise?

Daphne: Oh right! Totally forgot about that.

Daphne reaches into her pocket.

Daphne: Here you go, Hiro!

Hiro looks at what appears to be a ticket.

Hiro: These are tickets to…._Disney World?_

Ando: Yup!

Daphne: We got in touch with the '_Make A Wish…Grant a Wish'_….whatever it's called, and got you these tickets because they feel bad for whatever it is that's wrong with you.

Hiro: Wow….they gave enough tickets for all of us.

Daphne and Ando have their bags sitting next to them.

Daphne: We should probably get going.

Meanwhile, at The Bennet's…

Noah: So, yeah, that's pretty much it.

Sandra: Oh, I don't know, Noah. I would love nothing more than a vacation for the family. But Muggles has been so stressed out from the weekend.

Mr. Muggles is lying on his back, cucumber slices over his eyes.

Muggles: WOOF!

Noah: I'll pretend I didn't see that.

Claire comes down the stairs.

Claire: What's going on?

Noah: We're taking a family trip to _Disney World_.

Claire: Oh, too bad. I already have plans….wait…..did you just say Disney World?

Noah: Yes.

Claire: UH!

Back in Claire's room.

Claire: This is terrible! I'm going to Disney World too! My family is totally going to embarrass me. Especially my dorky brother.

A ladder props up against Claire's open window. A man comes in with the sound of a guitar riff.

Claire: Oh, hey Sam!

Sam: Hey, _Claire-issa_! I just stopped by to pick up my book of _'Pointless 90's TV references.'_

Claire: Sure.

Sam leaves.

Claire (back to the camera): What? Okay, apparently that guy fell from the ladder going into some other girls home and now he thinks I'm her….aaand…._I'm okay with that. _Does that make me a bad person?

The camera swivels up and down.

Claire: Oh shut up! Who asked you?

Miles away, in a hallway, Micah, The Haitian, and Elle are walking.

Elle: Hey, I totally just realized this, but where's Mr. B?

Micah: He'll be travelling with his family so he'll meet us here.

The three of them enter a conference room.

Man: Have a seat, Mr. Sanders.

Micah sits down across from the man.

Man: Okay, let's get the initial paperwork started. We here at Disney are going to buy rights to _The Primatech Paper Company_….

Elle: Oh wow! _That company?_ I thought you meant _The Company 'The Company'_.

Micah (whispering to Elle): Well, duh….why the hell would I tell Disney about _the other thing_?

Elle: I don't know, you were kinda vague about the whole thing.

Man: Mr. Sanders?

Micah: I'm sorry, I'll go ahead and sign.

Man: There will be no major changes in your staff. It'll be mostly cosmetic.

Micah: Cosmetic?

Man: Yes, like when the scene switches back to you guys, it will be referred to as _Disney's The Company_.

Haitian: Hmm.

Elle: I like the sound of that.

Micah: Yeah, that doesn't sound too bad. Okay, where do I sign?

Man: Here.

The man points to a line, right next to…

_Chapter Nineteen 'The Fine Print'_

Micah signs his name.

Man: Pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Sanders.

Elle: Why do I get the feeling Noah should have been here for this?

The man disappears in the shadows.

Elle (To Micah): Did he actually go anywhere?

The man coughs.

Micah: …no.

Elle: I'm leaving.

Micah: Yeah, we should.

**= = = HEROES = = =**

_Claire and Nathan  
Peter's Apartment  
Famous for its M.C Escher inspired staircase._

Claire: How the hell do we climb this stupid thing!

Nathan, having floating up to the top door, goes through it.

Claire: uh..HELLO!

Later..

Claire and Nathan are walking down the hallway.

Claire: He better be ready to go.

Nathan: You know he's not. Peter is never ready for anything. Our cousin Bruce and his wife are still holding a grudge…

Years ago…

Peter (suited up in a tux, giving a toast): I just wanted to say…to my dear cousin Bruce…_I'm very sorry for your loss._

Nathan (sitting next to him): You DO realize this is a _wedding. Right? _Not a funeral?

Bruce and his newlywed wife Bernice, are not looking too happy.

Peter: Oh!...Um….._Ashes to ashes, dust to dust._

Nathan: Still funeral.

Peter: Now let us all now sing _Amazing Grace._

Nathan: STILL FUNERAL!

Claire and Nathan knock on Peter's door. It opens by itself.

Nathan: Hmm.

Claire and Nathan walk in on Peter, who is looking ill.

Claire: What is wrong with you?

Peter: I was so excited about going to Disney World….I was eating this candy….

Nathan: You ate too much candy…

Peter: It was from when _the park opened. _It was special edition candy.

Claire: That was almost 40 years ago!

Nathan: Where in the hell did you get 40 year old Disney chocolate?

Peter: Ebay.

Claire: And you ate it?

Peter: Uh..duh!...oooh…stomach….turning….inside out.

Nathan: Here, I have some antacids.

Peter pops some in his mouth.

Peter: Urh…..I feel even worse.

Nathan (looking at the bottle): Uh oh, these antacids were also _from the Disney World opening 40 years ago._

Peter: Oh the humanity!

Claire: What the hell is wrong with you people?

_Mohinder and Friends  
Matt's New House  
Bought with the life insurance money Matt received from the death of the McRib._

Matt: I deal with it one day at a time.

Niki: You got a life insurance policy _on a sandwich?_

Niki looks at Mohinder.

Niki: Can he do that?

Mohinder: I guess….which is stupid because it always comes back after 2 or 3 months…

Matt: Which is why we'll always have money!

Niki: Well, your insurance fraud sounds fascinating and all, but I have to get ready for a trip.

Niki walks into her room, she comes back out.

Niki: Matt. Where are my clothes?

Matt: On you….._for once!_...HA!

Niki: GRR!

Three broken fingers later.

Matt: _My phalanges!_

Niki: Now seriously, where are my clothes?

Matt: I don't know!

Niki: I put them in a sack and placed them next to the sack of toys you were supposed to give…to….the….Salvation Army.

Matt: ….

Niki looks a sack near the door.

Niki: …..That's full of toys, isn't it?

Matt (looking it it): Yup!

Mohinder: Okay, Niki, we both know that was pretty stupid of you.

Niki: NEVERMIND! We still have time before the flight. Let's go to the mall, get clothes, then finish packing.

Matt: Why do we need to get clothes? Only your clothes are…

Niki throws a match into Matt's dresser.

Matt: ….Okay….Dammit….

Claire, Nathan, and Peter are sitting on the plane.

Claire: I hope this doesn't last for long. I don't need another _Bongo Island_ fiasco.

Nathan: What are you complaining about? You weren't even on the plane then….didn't you come by boat or something?

Claire: Hey, you're right! That was awful….

Claire feels someone kicking her chair. She turns around to see _Lyle_, along with the other Bennets.

Lyle: Hey, can I use your headphones?

Claire: No!...and stop kicking my chair!

Claire turns back around. Nathan turns around this time.

Nathan: Noah.

Noah: Nathan.

They go back to their business. Peter turns around.

Peter: Muggles.

Muggles: WOOF!

Claire rolls her eyes.

_Sylar  
Driving down the street  
Without a care in the world….well, maybe one….that he's about to hit someone._

Sylar: AHHH!

Sylar swerves the car to avoid hitting the couple. They run up to the window, it is _Maya and her brother Alejandro._

Sylar: Oh crap….

Maya: Sir! You must help us! You…don't I know you from somewhere?

Sylar: No.

Maya: Yes I do! I remember you! _You killed my brother!_

Sylar: Uh…_he's standing right there…_

Maya: You have to get him to a hospital! He's sick.

Sylar: No way! Your power sucks! It kills everyone…including me! What's the fun in that?

Maya: Thank you! Thank you, sir!

Her and Alejandro get in the car.

Sylar: I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD GET IN!

Maya: Hurry! Or else you'll be responsible for _killing my brother! WAAH!_

Black goop seeps from her eyes.

Sylar (crying goop): AHHHH! DAMMIT! _This is exactly what I was talking about!_

_Ando  
Disney World  
Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me. O-S-C-A-R M-A-Y-E-R….wait a minute…._

Ando: We're here! I can't wait!

Daphne zooms up, carrying Hiro.

Daphne: I don't see why I had to carry you!

Hiro: I'm sick, remember?

Daphne: Uh huh….

Hiro: So we just need to unpack our bags and….don't we have bags.

Daphne: If I have to do that, I better get some money first.

Hiro: Uh….it's in my piggy bank….at my house.

Daphne: Okay.

Daphne zooms off.

Hiro: Let's go, Ando!

Hiro and Ando take a step. Daphne zooms back.

Daphne: No there's not….hey! Where are you two going!

Ando: She's onto us! RUN!

Hiro and Ando take another step. Daphne grabs them.

Ando: You really need to start using your powers again.

Hiro: I know.

Meanwhile, at the mall.

Clerk (To Niki): That will be 455.23.

Niki: Hmm….take off the stick of gum.

Clerk: That will be 454.02.

Niki: Great! Here's my card.

Mohinder: Seriously?

They walk out of the department store and into the mall.

Niki: Okay, Mohinder. Hold my things. I have to run to the little girl's room.

Matt: _Aren't you old_?

Niki (gritting teeth): _It's a figure of speech, you moron!_ Don't make me break your other fingers.

Niki walks off. Mohinder shifts a little.

Mohinder: Uh oh….I better go too. Here, Matt, hold these.

Matt: Do you have to go _to the little girl's room too?_

Mohinder: Just hold the freaking bags! I'll be back in a second.

Mohinder leaves.

Later….

Mohinder comes back. Matt is holding an empty bag.

Mohinder: UH!

Niki: Okay, I'm ready, let's…..Matt….where are my clothes?

Niki looks over at The Salvation Army Santa ringing his bell. _The sleeve of a sweater sticking out of the money bucket_.

Niki: DAMMIT PARKMAN!

Mohinder: I'm actually impressed that you were able to stuff over 400 dollars worth of clothes in that tiny bucket.

Matt: I didn't have any money, I felt bad…

Niki: Well, that's just great! Now I'm out of money.

Mohinder: You have enough left for that stick of gum.

Niki: Hmm…good point. Okay let's get that.

They head back in the department store.

At the hospital.

Maya: I hope Alejandro is okay!

Sylar: Yeah, whatever. Listen, I'm going to go.

Maya: You can't! What if I get lost?

Sylar: _In the hospital!_

Maya: You'll help us, won't you?

Sylar: NO! I have plans, I'm supposed to go to Disney World!

Maya: Can we come?

Sylar: No, this is my storyline, I'm leaving you here.

The doctor comes up.

Doctor: Miss Hererra?

Maya: How is my brother, Doctor?

Doctor: Nothing serious, but he is going to need a new liver.

Maya: _A liver?_

Doctor: They have one at the other hospital. If you can make it there in time you might be able to get the last one.

Sylar: There are so many things wrong with that sentence.

Maya: We have to go!

Sylar: Oh, come on! Doc, don't you have a….person who does this professionally?

Doctor: Nope.

Sylar: …..you sure?

Doctor: Yup.

Sylar: Hmm….

Maya: Let us go, so we can save my brother.

Sylar: Why me….

Hiro, Ando, and Daphne are checking in. Daphne looks up.

Ando: Something wrong?

Daphne: You get the feeling we're being watched?

Hiro: Yes, _Donald Duck is standing right behind you._

Daphne turns around, Donald is right in her face.

Daphne: EEK!

Daphne punches him in the stomach.

Donald: QUACK!

Donald drops to the ground.

Hiro: You just punched Donald Duck!

Daphne: It was an accident!

Ando: An _accident? _

Daphne: Okay, it wasn't an accident…but he was standing so close…I panicked.

Hiro: You can't assault the Disney characters, Daphne! _You'll go to Disney Jail!_

Daphne: Oh, please….there's no such thing as….

Daphne is sitting in a jail.

Mickey Mouse: Ho! Ho!...Now, you spend some time in here and think about what you've done.

Daphne: Uh….I know what I did! Don't have to think about it!

Hiro: See, Daphne….you can't hit the characters.

Daphne: Hmph!

Claire, Nathan, Peter, and The Bennets are getting off the plane. Mickey Mouse greets them. Claire looks around and feels like she's being watched. Lyle bumps into her.

Claire: Dammit! Lyle, you totally ruined the dramatic look I was going for.

Claire feels like she's being watched….

Claire: Nah, I lost it.

Sylar and Maya are driving to the next hospital.

Maya: I appreciate you helping my brother.

Sylar: That's nice.

The car suddenly breaks down.

Sylar: Oh great….now what?

Sylar and Maya get out. Sylar pops open the hood.

Sylar: No oil….well, wonderful…

He looks at Maya.

Sylar: Um….is that stuff that comes out of your eyes….

Maya: No it's not.

Sylar: Okay, just checking.

Meanwhile, back in Disney World. Hiro and Ando are on the small world ride.

Hiro: FUN!

Ando: Shouldn't we be breaking Daphne out?

Hiro: Ando, I can't use my powers. She'll be out in 10 minutes.

Ando: Really?

Hiro: Oh yeah, they don't keep you in there for long. No reason why we can't have fun in the meantime.

Ando: True.

The child in front of them is having a blast.

Hiro: Ando, look at that kid. So energetic and carefree. He reminds me of me when I was little.

Kid (holding his hands up): YATTA!

The kid turns around, it is _a ten year old Hiro._ Hiro's face turns white.

Young Hiro: I've always wanted to come to Disney World.

Ando: This is awkward…..

Ando hops out of the boat and punches _Captain Hook_….the guard whisk him away to Disney Jail.

The two Hiro's look at each other.

_To Be Continued_…


	20. Hiro's Parody Project

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.20)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

_Daphne Millbrook  
Disney Jail  
She fought the law and the law won._

Daphne is sitting in the Disney World jail. The doors open and Ando gets thrown in there.

Daphne: Wow, Ando. I applaud your valiant effort in getting me out of here.

Ando: We have a problem; Hiro ran into his younger self….from the past.

Daphne: That's nice….How did you end up in here?

Ando: Well, we were on the Small World ride and we ran into younger Hiro and it felt awkward so in an act of desperation I punched Captain Hook.

Daphne: …..uh huh…..so, you're supposed to save me and your two are riding rides?

Ando: Let me rephrase that…

_Hiro  
The Small World Ride  
He should have went on that one ride where Bill Nye The Science Guy helps Ellen DeGeneres beat Jamie Lee Curtis and Albert Einstein at Jeopardy. (A REAL RIDE)_

Meanwhile, on The Small World ride, on the side of Hiro's boat reads:

_Chapter Twenty 'Hiro's Parody Project'_

Hiro: I don't understand; why are you here?

Young Hiro: Um…it's Disney World.

Hiro: But….but you're my younger self! Shouldn't the Universe blow up or something?

Young Hiro: Beats me.

Hiro: Hmm….

Outside of the ride, _Niki is dressed like Ariel The Mermaid and Mohinder is dressed like Snow White._

Niki: This is stupid….(she looks at Mohinder)….and you look ridiculous!

Mohinder: You're just jealous.

Niki: Well, that's nice that we won the trip but we have no money for food and clothes so we have to work here so we won't starve.

Mohinder: Um…I knew that, why are you telling me this?

Niki: I was telling the….oh forget it.

Matt, _dressed as Captain Hook_, stumbles out of the ride.

Matt: _Dude, Ando just punched me in the stomach!_

Niki: Ando's here?...Hiro probably is too.

Mohinder: What were you doing in the Small World ride?

Matt: I was trying to jump on a boat.

Niki: You know, maybe these costumes aren't so bad. We can just wear these as our clothes.

Mohinder: I'm down for that.

Niki: Ariel was always my favorite Disney Princess. Life is always better _under the seeeaaaa!_

A fish comes flying out of nowhere and smacks Niki in the face.

Niki: _OW! WHO THE HELL THREW THAT!_

A nearby fish vendor takes off running.

Niki: Get back here!

Niki starts chasing after him.

_Sylar and Maya  
In the middle of nowhere  
Hanging out, down the street, the same old thing, we did last week…_

Sylar and Maya are pushing the car.

Sylar: Stupid prophetic comic book! Why didn't I see this coming…?

Sylar opens the book, the pages of Sylar using new powers have been replaced by him pushing the car, a conversation bubble above his head reading:

Sylar: _DAMMIT!_

Maya: I really hope we get to the hospital on time and save my brother.

Sylar: Yeah, whatever….hey, look!

A car drives up, a family is inside.

The Dad: Well, howdy strangers!

Sylar: Uh….hi.

The Mom: You guys look like you're in a pickle! Need a lift?

Sylar: That's awfully nice of you….(_who just randomly picks up hitch hikers?)_

Maya: We need to get to the hospital! I have to save my brother!

The Mom: Well hop on in! We'll happily take you there.

Sylar: I don't like the sound of this….

Sylar realizes he's already in the car.

Sylar: Probably should have been more skeptical before I got in the car.

Sylar and Maya are sitting between a boy and girl.

Boy: Hello, friend!

Girl: We're _the children._

Maya: Nice to meet you.

Sylar: Not. Creepy. At all…

The car continues to drive away.

_To Be Continued_…

Sylar: Seriously?

**= = =HEROES= = =**

Both of the Hiro's are walking around the park.

Hiro: So…you used your ability to travel here?

Young Hiro: Sure did!

Hiro: Hmm….but I didn't get my ability until…uh…..The Eclipse!...Well, maybe it was the Eclipse. Maybe I was born with it. _Maybe it's Maybelline!_

Hiro looks around. Young Hiro is missing.

Hiro: Oh crap!

Noah, looking through the contract Micah signed, is in his hotel room.

Noah: Did you even read this thing?

Micah: Of course I did!

Noah: Well, it's bad enough that we have to start calling ourselves _Disney's The Company_.

Elle: Which I LOVE!

Noah: But declaring the Princesses' Birthdays as national holidays, having to work here part time during the Summer, being paid only in _Disney Dollars_!

Micah: I don't see a problem with it.

Elle: Me neither.

Noah looks at The Haitian. Who shrugs.

Noah: Hmm…

Niki gets thrown in prison.

Ando: Internet Stripper!

Niki: Oh my god, _stop calling me that!_

Daphne: Let me guess, you hit someone.

Niki: Fish Vendor.

Daphne: Ah….

Niki: We need to think of a way to get out of here!

Ando: Hiro's too busy chasing after his younger self…so we're on our own.

Niki: I got it all under control. Mohinder and Matt will save us.

Daphne: Matt Parkman!

Niki: Uh, yeah.

Daphne: Hmm.

Ando: What's wrong?

Daphne: Oh nothing, we just had a rough falling out….

Years ago….

Matt is standing alone. Daphne approaches him. Matt notices her. She pulls out a sword.

Daphne: Matt Parkman. _My name is Daphne Millbrook_. _You killed my father. Prepare to die!_

Daphne and Matt start clashing swords.

Ando scratches his head.

Daphne: Oh wait, that was from _The Princess Bride_….okay, I don't remember how we fell out, but we did.

Niki: Anyway….

Niki thinks to herself.

Niki (in thought): Matt….Matt….Matt, can you hear me? I'm in the Disney Prison. You have to come help us.

Matt and Mohinder grab a hot dog. Matt stops dead in his tracks.

Matt (screaming): Mohinder!

Mohinder: OW, ear drums!

Matt: We have to go back!..._I forgot the ketchup!_

Matt and Mohinder head back to the Hog Dog Vendor.

Niki: I hate that man.

Meanwhile, at the…

The Dad: _The Thompson Residence_. My casa is your casa so make yourself at casa…HAA HAA!

The Mom: Oh honey, that joke never gets old.

Sylar: That was a joke?

Maya: We appreciate your hospitality, but we must get to the hospital.

The Mom: But don't you want some dinner?

Sylar: Well, some dinner sounds okay.

The Dad: The mom made her delicious _Death By Pot Roast_.

Sylar: Wait…you call her _'The Mom'_….wait….._Death By Pot Roast!_

The Dad: Oh, don't be worried. We just call it that because it's so good you'll just want to die, that's all.

Sylar (sarcastic): Well, that sounds much better.

The Children: The Mom, is the dinner ready yet?

The Mom: It sure is The Children!

Sylar (To Maya): What the hell is wrong with these people?

Meanwhile, Noah is still looking through the contract. Sandra comes up.

Sandra: Noah, we've been here for several hours and Muggles and I are bored! Why can't you take us to get milk shakes or something?

Noah: Sandra, this is a business trip. I really have to make sure Micah didn't sign off to something important.

Sandra: Fine, we'll just watch television. How does that sound, my little muggy wuggy?

Muggles: WOOF!

Sandra turns on the Tv.

Sandra: Oh, look, Mr. Muggles, it's _Saved By The Bell…_

Noah: Hmm?

Sandra: _…The College Years._

Noah: That's it!

Elle opens her door to find Noah.

Elle: Mr. B? What are you doing here?

Noah: I need you to do me a favor.

Elle: Anything for you, Mr. B!

Noah: Here's some money.

Elle (taking it): Thanks!

Elle slams the door.

Noah: I WASN'T FINISHED!

Elle opens the door.

Noah: Sandra is bugging the snot out of me. I need you to keep her busy.

Elle: Why can't you have The Haitian forget she's bored or something?

Noah: I would, but after all the years of The Haitian making her forget stuff, her brain is probably the consistency of mashed potatoes.

Elle: I…think I can imagine that.

Noah: Just take her for….I don't know….

Elle (excited): A girl's night out?

Noah: Sure, whatever, just keep her busy.

Elle: You got it!

Elle slams her door. Later, Sandra opens hers.

Elle: Mrs. Bennet!

Sandra: Yes?

Elle: You and I are going out!

Sandra: Sure! Let me grab Muggles….

Elle: Oh right, forgot about the dog…

Hiro runs up to the jail.

Daphne: There you are!

Hiro: Ando, Daphne, _Internet Stripper_.

Niki: One more time, I swear….

Hiro: I lost Hiro!

Ando: Your younger self?

Hiro: Yes, what if he gets lost and killed? Then I'll vanish!

Ando: I'm sure he can take care of himself.

Niki: That and that whole thing was done _Volumes ago_….Not like the writers would do that thing again…..right?

The others look around.

Daphne: Hiro, if you want our help, you'll have to get us out of here.

Hiro: Okay, I'll do it.

Hiro closes his eyes very tight. He opens them.

Hiro: There.

He looks in the prison cell to see _three skeletons_.

Hiro: EEK! Okay, going back. Going back!

Back in the present.

Daphne: Where did you go?

Hiro: Uh…nowhere. Okay, let's get you out.

Hiro closes his eyes again. He disappears, shortly before reappearing _inside the cell_.

Niki: Uh….

Hiro: Hey it….didn't….work.

Daphne: Actually, we can just grab onto Hiro, we'll all teleport out, end of story.

Hiro: I need a minute.

Niki: Groan…

Meanwhile…

Sandra: What are we going to do on our Girl's Night Out?

Elle: Get some dates.

Sandra: But….wouldn't that defeat the purpose of it being a _girl's _night out?

Elle: I don't know, maybe.

Elle knocks on the door, _Nathan answers it_.

Nathan: Elle.

Elle: Nathan, my man! What's happening?

Nathan: Uh…nothing.

Elle: Listen, me and Mrs. Bennet want to go out for a night on the town. And who better to accompany us then some fine gents like yourself.

Nathan: Who what to the what now?

Peter comes up.

Peter: Sandra!

Sandra: Hello, Peter. Have you been eating your vegetables?

Peter: Yes, Mrs. Bennet.

Nathan looks at them, shakes his head, then turns his attention back on Elle.

Nathan: So…what do you want?

Elle: Go on a date! With us!

Nathan: I don't think that's a good idea.

Elle: Oh come on, Peter and I will be a couple and you can go out with Mrs. Bennet! It'll be a double date!

Nathan: I don't think that's a good idea.

Elle: Yeah, whatever, you said that already. Listen, it's just dinner and maybe a few rides. Come on, it'll be fun.

Nathan turns to Peter.

Nathan: What do you think, Peter?

Nathan realizes he's outside walking with him, Sandra and Elle.

Peter: I think you probably should have been more skeptical before you walked out of the hotel.

Nathan: Yeah, probably.

Sylar is in the guest bed of the guest bedroom. Maya walks in and comes up to him.

Maya: Gabriel?...Gabriel?

Sylar: Just Sylar will be fine.

Maya: Do you get the feeling that something is terribly wrong?

Sylar: Uh..DUH! That's what I've been saying the entire time we've been in this creep fest.

Maya: Their bathroom _doesn't have any hand soap! None of the bathrooms do!_

Sylar: Ooh! I hate that!...Wait….oh never mind. Listen, we need to get out of here!

Sylar and Maya are walking down the hallway. The Children are standing in their way.

The Son: Where are you going?

The Daughter: You're not leaving, are you?

Sylar: Uh….

The Son: Sorry about the hand soap. Here's some!

The son hands Maya some soap.

Maya: Oh good! Thanks!

Maya returns to the bathroom.

Sylar: I'd be an idiot not to leave her here….

The Daughter: What about you?

Sylar: I'm getting out of this place. It's just….weird.

The Son: You're not going anywhere.

Sylar: Say what now?

The Daughter: You have to stay….you're our guests.

Sylar turns around; the parents are standing behind him.

The Dad: They are right? Won't you stay with us?

The Mom: I made more pot roast. (She holds it up)

Sylar: STAND BACK!

Sylar gets in a corner, he holds up his finger.

Sylar: Don't make me use this!

The family stands there.

Sylar: ….okay, you called that bluff…..

He pulls out the comic book.

Sylar: Don't make me use….oh what's the point, this power blows!

The family starts to move in.

Sylar: What are you doing? Stay back! Get away! Maya, would appreciate your services over here!

Maya: Washing my hands!

Sylar: Totally worthless….

Meanwhile, in the Disney Castle. Peter, Nathan, Elle and Sandra are eating dinner.

Elle: Dates are fun!

Nathan: Uh…yeah.

Sandra: So, Nathan is it?

Nathan: You know who I am, Sandra.

Sandra: Muggles is concerned that you haven't been spending enough time with Claire. I know she lives with us, but it wouldn't kill you to call every once in a while….

Nathan: What the hell are you talking about? I'm always visiting Claire; we're always getting stuck in these stupid adventures…

Elle: So Peter…

Peter: Yes?

Elle: How long have you and Nathan known each other.

Peter: For a while.

Nathan: Ugh…

Over in the kitchen, Matt and Mohinder are grabbing trays of food.

Mohinder: This vacation is pointless. Dare I say…_un-extraordinary!_ All we've been doing is working!...and where is Niki?

Matt: Disney Jail. Come on, _whistle while you work!_ Right, dwarves?

Grumpy: Get back to work! (Cracks whip)

Matt: AHH!

Mohinder: Surely you can't talk to me like that! I'm Snow White…._I own all 7 of you!_

Grumpy: Get moving, Princess! (CRACK!)

Mohinder: EEEK!

Matt and Mohinder scurry out into the dining hall.

Matt: See, this wouldn't have happened if Doc didn't put him in charge of the kitchen.

Mohinder: Shut up.

Matt drops his tray of food.

Mohinder: What the hell are you doing?

Matt: Mohinder, look! It's Peter….and the rest!

Mohinder: You're right! Well, I can't have them see me looking like this.

Mohinder rips off his stained Snow White clothes to reveal the lab coat he was wearing underneath.

Matt: Uh….

Mohinder walks up.

Peter: Mohinder! Long time no see!

Mohinder: Good evening all!

Peter: Are you here to take our order?

Mohinder: WHAT? No….I….I'm in my lab coat….I'm doing science-y things….

Peter: I'll take the chicken ala king.

Nathan: Prime Rib.

Elle: Chicken salad.

Sandra: Fajitas.

Mohinder: Ugh…will this be together or on separate checks?

Mohinder rips off his lab coat to reveal another set of stained Snow White clothes.

Hiro and the others are in prison.

Daphne (to Hiro): Are you ready yet?

Hiro: Almost.

Suddenly, Young Hiro walks up.

Hiro: SEE! LOOK! It's him! He's real!

Niki: We never said we doubted you; we just want you to get us out of here!

Hiro: Younger me! Get us out of here! I know your powers work because you got here and they're not broke yet.

Young Hiro: I cannot do that, Hiro. You see….I've been lying to you.

Niki: I knew it…..Well, I haven't been paying attention to this storyline but somehow…I always knew.

Young Hiro: It was all a trap…..

Walking into the room are Max and Lilith.

Niki: _WHO!_

Max pats 'Young Hiro' on the head.

Max: Good work _son_.

Ando: SON!

Ando, Daphne and Niki slowly look at Hiro.

Hiro: What?...He said '_Yatta'_….that's usually a dead giveaway.

Ando, Daphne and Niki: …..

Hiro: What are you staring at?

Max: As you can see, I'm trying to do away with all you people and your abilities.

Ando: Um….I don't have any abilities….can I go?

Daphne: I will hunt you down if that happens.

Max looks confused. He flips through some papers.

Max: You don't have the red lightning and charging thing?

Ando: Nope.

Max: Hmm…okay then, never mind. Regardless you will still have to die. All of you.

Daphne: Why?

Max: Because of….._Matt Parkman_.

Niki: I KNEW IT! Even though I haven't spent that much time with him on this vacation but somehow….I always knew.

Hiro: Why do you want Matt Parkman?

Max: Because….he took something away from me. He needs to pay dearly…..all I want is _retri_-….

Niki: I seriously long for the day we don't have a 'revenge' story arc.

Max: You all are associated with Matt Parkman. He is here. Your job is done. You all can die now.

Niki: Wait! You can have him!

Daphne, Ando and Hiro nod and agree.

Niki: I will tell you his exact location if you let us go. Matt is totally irreplaceable. We'll manage. We'll get the next best thing!

Niki turns to the others.

Niki: One of you get _Brad Grunberg_ on the phone.

Max: Enough! You've done your job….

Daphne: What did we do exactly? Me, Ando and Niki just punched someone and you tricked Hiro with an actor…..What job did we do?

Max: Did you hear that, Lilith. She said _actor._ That boy of mine is going places.

Lilith clears her throat.

Max: Oh right….well, that's not important. Have a nice death.

Max flips a switch on the wall before walking out.

Niki: That doesn't sound good.

A cloud of green gas starts seeping out of the vents.

Daphne: Oh goody, it's just noxious gas!

Niki: Now would be a good time to get those powers working again, Hiro….

Hiro: …

Meanwhile, back in the hotel, _Claire is walking down the hall_.

Claire: Well, finally giving me some lines, I see….that's nice…..

She is stopped in the hallway by Lyle.

Claire: You again?

Lyle: What's up, sis?

Claire: Move it, cretin. I have to go practice some cheers so I don't get rusty.

Lyle: Someone got murdered!

Claire: Say what?

Lyle: There's a dead guy in that room down there.

Claire: You didn't call…the Disney Police…or whatever.

Lyle: I did, come look at it!

Claire: Okay, morbid.

Claire and Lyle walk into the room to see a guy in a _Goofy_ costume on the ground.

Lyle (sniffing): I can't believe they killed Goofy!

Claire: This is definitely bad. But Lyle, that's not really Goofy. See, there's a Goofy down the hall greeting guests…

Goofy: _Gawrsh!_

Claire: There's a Goofy tending the bar.

Goofy (flipping bottles): _Gawrsh!_

Claire: There's a Goofy escaping out the window with the murder weapon…

Goofy (jumping): !

Claire and Lyle look at each other before running to the window.

Lyle: Looks like we have a mystery to solve.

Claire: And chase after the killer! That's dangerous!

Lyle: Don't worry; I can use you as a human shield.

Claire: Not a hit with the ladies, are you?

Lyle: It's usually hit and miss.

Claire: I bet…..

_To Be Continued_….


	21. Gabriel Gray's Anatomy

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.21)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

Claire: _Previously on Heroes…_

Matt: We got our free tickets to Disney World. Thanks _Hollywood Squares!_

Niki: Matt! You threw away all my clothes. Now what are we going to do?

Matt (dressed as Captain Hook), Niki (dressed as Ariel), and Mohinder (dressed as Snow White) are working at Disney World so they can at least pay for food.

Niki (to Matt): What's wrong with you?

Matt: _Ando just punched me!_

Ando punches Captain Hook (Matt) and runs for it.

Hiro is confronted by his younger self.

Daphne and Niki are thrown in Disney Jail for assault. Hiro runs up.

Hiro: I've lost the younger version of me.

Max and Lilith, the mysterious couple, show up. Max thanks his son 'Young Hiro', who was able to trap them.

Niki: Weak!

Max: I'm looking for Matt Parkman, he took everything from me.

Niki: Take him, please!

Max releases a noxious gas upon the heroes.

Micah signs the contract, letting Disney buy out The Company.

Noah (to Elle): Listen, keep Sandra busy. I have to look over these things.

Elle (to Sandra): We're going on a girl's night out….but first we need dates.

Sylar is in the middle of nowhere with Maya.

Maya: _You killed my brother!_

Sylar: Stop saying that!

A creepy family pulls up.

The Dad: Can we give you guys a ride.

Later, at The House.

The Children: You're not going anywhere.

Sylar: Holy crap!

The family moves in on Sylar.

Claire, finally getting a scene, is stopped by Lyle.

Lyle: Someone was murdered.

They find a guy in a Goofy costume dead in a hotel room, another man in a Goofy costume escapes out the window.

Lyle: Looks like we have a mystery on our hands!

Claire: Let's call _Grissom_! He'll know what to do….

Lyle: He's not on that show anymore.

Claire: I don't care.

_Sylar  
Tied up in the basement  
When Jigsaw asks you if you'd like to play a game, always say 'no', because it never ends up good._

Sylar wakes up; he realizes that he is bound to the wall. Next to him reads:

_Chapter Twenty One 'Gabriel Gray's Anatomy'_

Sylar: Uh…

The family is sitting on the couch in front of him.

The Dad: You have woken up, that is good.

Sylar: Okay, the creepy family thing…I don't want to know what your problem is, but you better let me go!

The Daughter: We cannot do that.

Sylar: Listen, there are people out there that I know…they'll realize that I'm gone….and they'll…..well, hopefully they'll look for me.

Maya walks in.

Sylar: Maya! You have to untie me! These people are nuts.

Maya: I'll never help you…._you killed my brother!_

Sylar (pissed): I DID NOT KILL YOUR BROTHER, YOU MORON! He's at the hospital, waiting on a new liver! We have to get it to him, how do you keep forgetting this!

Maya: You're….you're right…..

Sylar: So….how about you make with the…..you know….killing goop?

Maya: I can't, I'm not stressed out.

Sylar sighs.

Sylar: I killed your brother.

Maya: YOU WHAT! AHHH!

Goop starts running down her eyes, as does the eyes of the creepy family.

Sylar (gooped): Okay, untie me now!

Maya: I can't! I'm too upset!

Sylar: Unbelievable.

Later, Sylar and Maya run out of the house.

Sylar: I got their car keys, run! Run!

They run to the family car and hop in. Sylar peels out of the driveway and speeds off towards the hospital.

**= = =HEROES= = =**

_Niki, Hiro, Ando and Daphne  
Disney Jail  
Luckily Niki is here to recap what happened last time…_

Niki: _Previously on Heroes_…we're all about to die!

Hiro: Niki, I think you are overreacting.

The noxious gas continues to fill up the room.

Niki: Can't you do something? Anything?

Hiro: Okay, I'll try this again.

Hiro squints…nothing happens. Niki, Ando and Daphne look away.

Hiro: What happened? Did we….

Hiro realizes he's not wearing any clothes.

Hiro: AHHHHHHH! It's just like in my nightmare!

Niki: _Ours too_!

Daphne: Wouldn't you be in front of your school or something in this situation?

Hiro: No, it was just like this! Pretty weird, huh?

Niki: Groan.

Hiro: ….

Niki: ….

Hiro: ….

Niki: …Uh…you plan on getting those clothes back any time soon?

Hiro: OH! Sorry….

_Peter, Elle, Nathan and Sandra  
In line for the Pirates of The Caribbean ride.  
Come for the pillaging, stay for the scurvy._

Nathan: Ugh, how long is the line to this ride?

Peter: Oh, come on bro! It's only been…_3 hours?_ Yeah, that is a long time.

Elle: Would you two stop whining? You're totally ruining our dates.

Sandra: Ooh! I want that one!

Nathan: What are you talking about?

Sandra: I would love that adorable pirate hat for Muggles.

Nathan: Well, that's the gift shop, we'll have to wait until….wait….what line are we in?

Man in front of Nathan: _This is the line to The Gift Shop. _The Pirates ride is over there.

Nathan: _CRAAAAAP!_

3 Hours Later…

Nathan: My legs feel like peanut butter….

The gang loads up onto the boat. It enters the ride.

Elle: OOH! Look! It's _Jack Sparrow_. You know, for them basing the movie off of this ride it's so weird that they happened to model Jack after _Johnny Depp_. Isn't that so weird?

Nathan rolls his eyes.

The boat starts shaking.

Peter: What was that?

Elle: Oh, I hope the boat doesn't capsize. I'd hate to drown in this water.

Nathan: It's only like…3 feet deep, Elle. I wouldn't worry about it.

Elle looks over the edge of the boat; _a skeleton floats up to the surface._

Elle: EEK!

Sylar and Maya arrive at the hospital.

Sylar: Finally!

They get out and walk in.

Sylar: Hello, I'm here to pick up a liver.

Clerk: Name?

Sylar: Herrera. (To Maya) It's Herrera, right?

She nods.

Clerk: Okay, here you go…hmm….that's strange…I could have sworn it was right here.

Sylar: _On your desk!_

Clerk: I'll go see where it went.

She leaves.

Sylar: Very odd….

She runs back, panicked.

Sylar: That can't be good.

Clerk: Your liver was accidentally installed in another patient!

Sylar: _Installed?_

Clerk: We have to get it out, but the only doctor here just passed out from low blood sugar!

Sylar: WHAT?

Clerk: If you want your kidney…

Sylar: Liver.

Clerk: Pancreas. If you want it back….(she hands him a scalpel)…you'll have to get it yourself.

Sylar: Well, that's a little unprofessional, _don't you think!_

Maya: Please, Gabriel! You must save my brother…or else you'll kill him!

Sylar: Well, DUH!

_Claire and Lyle  
The murder scene  
They're going to be doing hard time for this…_

Claire: HEY! We didn't do anything!

Lyle: What about the killer?

Claire: You're right! Let's go chase after him instead of notifying the proper authorities.

They take off. Later, outside….

Claire: Hmm…These bloody footprints look suspicious.

Lyle: Indeed.

Lyle puffs on his corncob pipe.

Lyle: Elementary.

Claire: Where did you get that? I want one of those…

Lyle: Oh, Claire…you're much too young to smoke.

Claire: _I'm two years older than you!_

They see Goofy running off in the distance.

Lyle: There goes to culprit!

Claire: You sure? Like I said before, there are a lot of Goofy's running around.

A scream is heard.

Lyle: What do you think about that, Nancy Drew?

Claire: Oh shut up.

Hiro, Niki, Daphne and Ando walk back into the park, finally escaping the Disney Prison.

Niki: Yes, finally!

Hiro: We have to find that strange man. For some reason he wants Matt Parkman.

Niki: That alone baffles me.

Daphne: Forget that! We need to worry more about the disaster!

Niki: Disaster?

Daphne: The fourth disaster! It's going to take place here. It was foretold in those pictures Peter painted.

Hiro: What are you talking about?

Daphne: Seriously! Zombie invasion, Tidal Wave, Meteor? Did you all forget about this?

Hiro: I seriously have no idea what she's talking about.

Niki and Ando shrug.

Daphne: No worries, I know of a place where we can plan our strategy to stop the incoming terror.

Announcer: _Meanwhile…at The Hall Of Justice!_

Daphne: Okay, we'll plan our course…here!

Wonder Woman: _DO YOU MIND?_

Daphne: Geez…sorry…..tch…Super Heroes…(eye roll)

Announcer: _Meanwhile…At Applebee's!_

Niki: Ugh…

Meanwhile…at the hospital!

Sylar is scrubbed up and ready for surgery.

Sylar: Uh…I know I used to do this sort of thing for….recreational purposes…but….now….I just don't know.

Maya (in scrubs): You have to do this Gabriel!

Sylar: Fine, fine….let's see. Maya! Scalpel!

Maya: What happened to the one the nurse lent you?

Sylar: I dropped it. Just give me another one!

Maya hands it to him.

Sylar: These are scissors! I can't cut with these.

Maya hands the scalpel to him.

Sylar: This is a _stethoscope!_ Have you never watched a medical show!

Maya: No.

Sylar: Ugh….

Sylar grabs the scalpel.

Sylar: OKAY! _Who wants a corner piece?_ HA HA HA!

The nurses exchange looks.

Sylar: Ha…ha….it's…a birthday cake joke…you know….

Maya: …..

The nurses look at Sylar with serious looks on their faces.

Sylar: What?...I wasn't going to eat him! It's just….oh forget it, you people suck!

Sylar makes the cut; blood shoots up and hits him in the face. Maya grabs a towel and _wipes her own forehead_.

Sylar: Is it supposed to do that? BLEH!

The nurses look at each other and shrug.

Sylar: _WHY ARE YOU SHRUGGING! _Is this even a real hospital?

Maya: Doctor! This patient is in grave danger! _His vital lines are all zig zagged!_

Sylar: UGH! (To Maya) YOU! Go watch a medical show. And you two nurses come help me save this patient!

Maya runs off, Sylar cuts into the patient and opens him up.

Sylar: Uh….

Sylar looks inside the man…then turns and looks at his '_Body Parts Guide'_…then back at the patient.

Sylar: I…only count _1 liver._

Another nurse walks in.

Nurse: _The guy with the two livers is prepped for surgery!_

Sylar (pissed): _FISH PASTE!_

Peter and Co. are still floating down the river on the Pirates ride. The boat stops suddenly.

Elle: Now what?

Animatronic Pirates (singing): Yo! Ho! Yo! Ho! A Pirates life for me!

Peter: Bro, the boat is stuck. Get out and push.

Nathan: No, I'll mess up my suit!

Elle: The same suit you've been wearing since _Season 1?_

Peter: Dude, you should invest in some new clothes. You should probably stop with the suits…since…

Nathan: Why, since I'm not the mayor anymore?

Peter: That…is…kinda a good reason not to wear suits all the time.

Animatronic Pirates: Yo! Ho! Yo! Ho! A Pirates life for me!

Elle: You guys, we're really stuck….we're probably caught on a corpse!

Peter: You don't have to get in the water, just….float and push.

Nathan: I'm not doing that.

Peter: Come on!

Nathan: No….

Animatronic Pirate: Yo! Ho! Yo! Ho! A Pirates life for me!

Elle: We're going to die here, aren't we?

Sandra: Yes, dear…we are.

Meanwhile, back in the hospital.

Claire and Lyle are walking around Epcot Center.

Claire: Okay, there have been 3 murders. We have not caught the killer yet…so….I think we're doing pretty good. Next stop, that place with the Soda Pops of the World! I think I read only 1 out of 10 flavors is actually drinkable…..

A gunshot is heard. Claire looks down to see a bullet wound in her chest. Lyle looks over.

Lyle: Holy crap!

Claire: Uh….OW!

Claire falls to the ground. Lyle kneels down.

Lyle: Claire!

Claire: Yes…dear brother….

Lyle: If you're gonna croak can I have your iPhone?

Claire: JERK!

Goofy walks up.

Lyle: EEP!

Goofy: Say your prayers…._Barbie_.

Lyle: Barbie?

Claire: Oh, you got to be kidding me…._Doyle?_

Lyle: The guy from the restaurant?

Goofy rips his head off to reveal Puppet Master Eric Doyle.

Doyle: Don't remind me! Once I found out you were here I had to exact my revenge.

Claire: Weren't you arrested? Why are you here?

Doyle: Community Service.

Lyle: _They sent you to work at Disney World for Community Service?_

Meanwhile, hundreds of Disney Lawyers flock to their Lawyer-Mobiles!

Claire: There goes next season…

Doyle: You ruined me, Barbie. And thus….I must ruin you.

Claire: Okay, how did you know I was here…and why did you kill 3 people…and try to kill me? It doesn't make sense.

Doyle: I was framed! I didn't kill those other people.

Lyle: Uh, dude? You just shot an unarmed girl in the chest in broad daylight in front of thousands of people at the happiest place on Earth! Why should we believe you?

Doyle: I….think I understand your logic. But you have to prove my innocence! Or else they'll make me work at Disney forever!

The Disney Lawyers smash down on their gas pedals.

Claire: WHY DID YOU SHOOT ME!

Doyle: I panicked….I saw you in the hotel room and ran.

Lyle: I'm surprised you didn't use your puppet powers…you could have easily stopped us.

Doyle: I'm trying to remain on your good side; I want us to be on the same team.

Lyle: You were just trying to kill Claire! How can you want to be on our side?

Doyle: Oh, I was just joking about that…I know she can't die. So…what do you say? We team up?

Claire: Uh…I don't think that's a great idea.

Doyle: You have to believe me, I didn't kill those people!

Lyle: Well, if you didn't kill those people, then who did.

Voice: That would be me.

_Max walks up to the group._

Max: Good afternoon.

Claire: Who are you?

Max: You will find out in due time.

Lyle: Claire, this guy's a villain. Only the villains make us wait in due time before revealing themselves.

Claire: You're right!

Max: I wanted to thank you for bringing us all together, Doyle.

Claire and Lyle shoot a look toward Doyle.

Claire: YOU RAT!

Doyle: I seriously have no idea who this guy is…

Max: He doesn't…but he will….as will the both of you….in due time.

Lyle: Oh yeah, I don't trust him.

Max: I'm looking for Matt Parkman…

Claire: Uh…none of us are him so…..sorry?

Max: No, I need you three. Come with me.

Claire: And what if we refuse?

Max pulls out a small gun and shoots something into Doyle's neck. He collapses.

Claire: That's all?

Max reaches behind him and pulls out a shotgun; he holds it near Claire's head.

Max: You won't survive this one.

Claire: Not true! If you go inside and remove the bullet I'll wake up totally refreshed!..._Did I just say that out loud? DAMN!_

Max: Get moving…and you, boy, carry Goofy.

Lyle: Good going threatening to refuse, Claire!

Claire: Oh, shut up! This is all your fault! I'm telling mom!

Lyle: I'm telling mom!

Claire: But seriously, there are tons of people around and nobody is noticing _any of this?_

Sylar and Maya are on their way back.

Sylar: Well, that's almost over. We can get back to the hospital and get this liver transplanted and all will be good…then I can finally go to Disney World….

Maya: That sounds like fun!

Sylar looks at Maya, regretting what he just said.

Maya: Wish we could go, but Alejandro and I have other plans.

Sylar: WHEW!...

Maya looks at him.

Sylar: Uh….I meant…..I meant to say…_Whew!_

Sylar pulls up in the hospital parking lot. They get out.

Maya: I can't wait to give Alejandro his new liver! He'll be so happy!

Sylar: Yeah, whatever. Listen, I'm probably gonna just drop this off and run. I can't really stay since I have….

The front doors shatter in front of Sylar and Maya, as a large explosion sends them flying into the wind shield of their car.

Sylar: ow….that stung….

Maya: oohhhh….

Sylar looks up; they watch _Alejandro exit the building_.

Maya: Alejandro?

He walks forward, he lifts up his arm.

Sylar: Oh, that's not good. Move, move, move!

The two of them roll off the hood of the car and dive out of the way as the car goes up in a fiery explosion. Maya is unconscious.

Sylar: Uh…do you want your liver?...HEY!...

Alejandro walks away.

Sylar looks at Maya, then Alejandro, then the hospital.

Sylar: Well, damn….

Voice: Someone stop that guy, he has my liver!

Sylar turns to find _Ted Sprague _next to him, in a hospital gown. Ted looks at Sylar.

Ted: Actually, I'll just wait for the next guy.

Sylar: So much for Disney World….

_To Be Continued…_


	22. Moonlighting

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.22)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

Peter: _Previously on Heroes…_

Claire: There's been a murder!

Claire and Lyle follow the clues, leading up to Claire being shot by Goofy.

Claire: OW! _My skin!_

Lyle: Can I have your iPhone now?

Claire: For the last time no!

Goofy reveals himself to be _Eric Doyle, the puppet master_.

Claire: That's impossible!

Doyle: Right here, Barbie. In the flesh.

Claire: No seriously, how did you fit in that costume?

Doyle: RUDE!

Lyle: You killed those other people.

Doyle: No I didn't….

Max (approaching): That would be me. I need you three to come with me. I have plans for Matt Parkman.

Claire: Do any of us look like Matt Parkman to you?

Elle: Double Date time!

Peter, Elle, Nathan and Mrs. Bennet stand in line for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

Elle: The boat is stuck.

Peter: Bro, get out and push!

Nathan: No way!

Sylar is performing surgery, he finally gets the liver.

Sylar: Hooray!

Sylar and Maya make it back to the hospital where Alejandro is waiting on a new liver, the hospital explodes. Alejandro exits and flees the scene. Sylar is stunned.

Voice: Stop that man, he has my liver!

_Ted Sprague runs up_.

Sylar: Oh crap….

_Sylar and Ted  
Hospital Tycoon Memorial Hospital  
We put the 'Practice' in 'Malpractice'_

The doctors wheel in Maya, who is unconscious from the attack.

Sylar: What the hell happened here?

Ted: Well, it's a long story…

Sylar: Skip to the end.

Ted: It all started when…

Sylar: Groan…

Much later, after Ted explains what happened during the space mission. Sylar dusts off the cobwebs from his face.

Ted: I was found and presumed dead. The hospital wanted to harvest my organs and they took out my liver and gave it to that guy. Well, since I have a power and he has a power, our combined blood must have made a negative chemical reaction that overloaded his power.

Sylar: Yeah, that makes _zero sense_…but I don't care about that. _This hospital had a liver handy and they made me drive all the way to the other hospital to get it._ Do you know what I had to go through to get that? I got kidnapped by some creepy family, I had to perform surgery, it's been hell!

Ted dusts the cobwebs from his face.

Ted: Well, enough about that! We have to track him down fast! I don't have long to go without a liver!

Sylar: Well, here…just take the one we got from the guy from the other hospital.

Ted: We don't have the same blood type.

Sylar: Wait….how….but we just…..he was going to get….uh…you know what? Forget it. Let's just go.

Ted: How are we going to find that Alejandro guy?

Sylar: You leave that to me…

_Claire, Lyle, and Doyle  
An abandoned warehouse  
Apparently Disney is filled with them._

Claire: Okay, creep! What do you want?

Max: I told you before. I want Matt Parkman.

Claire: Why do you want him so bad? Did he do something?

Max: Oh yes….he did…._35 years ago_.

Claire: Wow….that's….a really long time….

Lyle: Yeah, talk about holding a grudge.

Max: You just don't know what he did…..I will get my revenge.

Claire: Okay, I'm getting tired of telling you villains that you missed the _revenge train_ when we did the _Retribution_ story arc last year. Geez, _let it go already!_

Max: I need Matt Parkman here…._and you are going to bring him to me._

Claire: Why me?

Max: Because he'll trust you.

Claire: Uh….maybe?

==3 Years Ago==

Claire knocks on the door to Mohinder's apartment. Matt answers.

Matt: Claire! It's been so long! _How's little Micah?_

Claire: Uh, that's Niki's son, Matt…and I'm only like _5 years older than him_. Seriously, there are only like…_3 main women on the show_, you should know these things.

Matt: What can I do for you?

Claire: I'm selling candy to raise money for new pom-poms for the Cheerleader squad!

Matt: SOLD! What do you got?

Claire (shuffling around): I got…M&M's, Twix, Snickers, Butterfingers…._Funyuns?_ How did those get in there? That isn't candy!

Matt: M&M's!

Claire: Here you go.

Matt: Thanks!

Matt slams the door in her face.

Claire: HEY!

Claire walks into the apartment.

Niki: Oh, hey, Claire! What brings you here?

Claire: Selling candy.

Niki: Cool.

Matt: Blargh! AAACK!

Matt grabs his throat and flops around on the ground.

Niki: What's wrong with you?

Mohinder: Niki, I think he's going through Anaphylactic shock.

Matt: I'm….allergic….to….peanuts.

Claire: Then _why the hell did you buy peanut M&M's?_

Mohinder: Don't worry, I have an EpiPen!

Mohinder grabs his Epipen and plunges it into Matt's neck.

Mohinder: Oh wait…._this is an actual pen_.

Matt: BLECK!

Matt clasps his neck while it starts bleeding.

Niki (to Claire): What can I get for 2 dollars?

==Present Day==

Claire realizes she's outside of the abandoned warehouse. Max slams the door shut.

Claire: When did I get out here?

= = =**HEROES= = = **

Claire is walking around the park. A cell phone rings in her pocket.

Claire (answering it): What?

Max (On the line): Now, Matt Parkman isn't that far away from you. Get him to come here.

Claire: If you know where he is all the time, why can't you do it?

Max: It's part of my plan….do it….or else!

Claire thinks about it.

Claire: Or else….what?

Max: _Your brother dies_.

Claire thinks about it…she starts to daydream.

==Claire's Dream==

Claire is skipping down the hallway in her house. She goes inside her room.

Claire (on a walkie talkie): Okay boys, let er' rip!

A wrecking ball crashes through Lyle's wall. Claire runs in, for it has been transformed into a giant walk in shoe closet!

Claire: Look at all these shoes! It's…._paradise!_

Claire spreads her arms and starts spinning. A giant steel toed boot comes flying out of nowhere and smacks her in the head.

Claire (snapping out of it): OW!...Oh….hmm….

Max (on the phone): You still there?

Claire: Yes…I'll do your dirty work….you won't get away with this!

Max: This isn't _Batman_; of course I'll get away with this. Now do your job!

Claire: Fine! (She hangs up the phone).

Claire walks around the corner to find Matt and Mohinder.

Mohinder: Oh look, it's Claire! Hello, Claire!

Matt: HISS!

Claire: Hey, don't be mad at me…you were the one that bought that candy. Anyway….um….can you guys help me out with something?

Mohinder: I guess so.

Claire: I need some help….um….carrying something back at the hotel!

Mohinder: We can help with that! Follow us; we'll give you a ride back.

Claire: You guys have a car?

Mohinder: We managed to rent one with what little money we had.

Claire, Mohinder and Matt are walking up to the car. They see a bird on a telephone wire, looking at them.

Matt: Mohinder, I don't like that bird looking at us. It looks suspicious.

Mohinder: It's harmless…

The three approach the rental car, for it appears that the bird 'relieved itself' on the windshield. It just so happens to spell out:

_Chapter 22 'Moonlighting'_

Matt: WOW! That's what I call talent!

Claire: GROSS!

_Noah and The Haitian  
The Disney Castle  
Eating Dinner_

Noah: Listen, I needed to talk to you.

Haitian: About?

Noah: Micah….I think he's gone mad with power. This whole Disney merger thing is a huge disaster.

Haitian: I…don't think I agree. I mean…the benefits alone…

Noah: You have to make Micah forget about all this….and if you're not going to do that you need to make the entire Disney staff to forget about this….

Haitian: And….what if I refuse to do both?

Noah: ….I'll have to take matters into my own hands.

Fairy Godmother: Hello! And welcome to the Magic Castle! We hope you enjoy your stay. Now, if you believe in magic, take your napkin and wave it in the air!

Everybody starts doing so…except for Noah.

Haitian: Uh…I'd listen to her if I were you.

Noah: Oh please….

Fairy Godmother: SOMEONE ISN'T WAVING THEIR NAPKIN!...(To Noah)…._You! Sir!_ I order you to believe in the magic.

Noah: Oh _stuff it, grandma!_ Can't you see we're trying to talk business here!

Fairy Godmother: WHAT?...WHAAAT?

Haitian: That wasn't smart.

Noah: What is she going to do….turn me into a squash?

Haitian: It was a pumpkin. Everybody knows that….

The Fairy Godmother hikes up and dress and sprints toward Noah.

Noah: WHAT THE!

The Fairy Godmother slams into Noah, tackling him out of his chair, they both fall on the ground. The Haitian scoots his chair over to the family dining next to them.

Haitian: Don't mind me.

Outside…Noah is bruised and bandaged.

Noah: Man, that Fairy Godmother sure does pack a whollop! _I think she broke all my ribs!_

Haitian: I told you not to screw with her!

Peter, Nathan, Elle and Mrs. Bennet walk up, completely soaked….except for Mrs. Bennet.

Sandra: Which reminds me, thank you Nathan for carrying me.

Nathan: Uh huh.

Noah: What the hell happened to you guys?

Elle (Trance): YO! HO! YO! HO! A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME!

Noah: Uh….okay….what happened to the rest of you?

Nathan: Don't ask.

Peter: We were stranded….trapped….marooned…..

Sandra: Oh my god, Noah! What happened to you?

Noah: I got the living crap beat out of me from The Fairy Godmother.

Sandra: _I told you not to screw with her_! Did you wave your napkin?

Noah: No.

Sandra: Well, I'm glad you learned your lesson.

Noah: Yeah, I'm slowly dying here….so…I'm going to go to the clinic. But when I get back….all of us, including Elle….

Elle (Trance): YO! HO! YO! HO! A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME!

Noah: Or not….We need to stop this Disney merger.

Nathan: How do you plan on doing that…..and why should we care? We don't work for you!

Noah: Oh….you'll want in on this…(coughs up blood)…okay, I'm leaving….don't move!

Noah waddles away….Peter, Nathan, Sandra and The Haitian look at each other then walk away in different directions, leaving Elle there.

Elle (Still in a trance): YO! HO! YO! HO!...

Meanwhile, Sylar and Ted make their way to a pay phone. Sylar puts in some money and dials a phone number.

Across the country…._Molly answers the phone_.

Molly: Hello?

Sylar: Hey, Molly….._what's up, girlfriend?_

Molly: Who is this?

Sylar: It's…..uh…..

Sylar puts the phone down.

Sylar (To Ted): Should I tell her it's me?

Ted: Does she know you?

Sylar (On the phone): What if I told you it was Sylar….

Molly: The psycho who tried to kill me in Season 1? I'd scream and hang up…._then question how he got my phone number_….then scream some more.

Sylar: Gotcha…hold please.

Sylar puts the phone down.

Sylar (To Ted): Oh yeah, she remembers me.

Ted: Just pass yourself off as a family member or something.

Sylar: Hmm…..

He gets back on the phone.

Sylar (in a British Accent): This is _Mohinder Suresh_….I must speak to you for this is critical to my research! (He gives a 'thumbs up' to Ted)

Molly: You're Mohinder, huh?...Okay….._What is 'pi'?_

Sylar: ….(He takes a deep breath)…_Hold please._

Sylar puts the phone back down.

Sylar: Any other people you can think of?

Ted: Oh, give me that!

Ted takes the phone.

Ted: Hi, Molly, my name is Ted. We really need your help. You see, me and Sylar….oh, crap…

Molly: _Sylar! AAAAHHHHH!_

Molly hangs up the phone.

Molly: Wait, how did he get my number?..._AAAAAAAHHHHH!_

Ted: Well, that bombed.

Sylar: Nevermind, I have a new idea.

Sylar gets back on the phone and dials.

Back in Disney World, in his Hotel Room, Hiro picks up his cell phone.

Hiro: Hello?

Sylar: Hiro!..._What's up, girlfriend?_

Hiro: Is this Sylar?

Sylar: Uh…sure, why not?

Hiro: I don't talk to you! You're a villain!

Sylar: Oh geez….we need your help. I'm good…again….right now….today…

Hiro: Need my help with what?

Sylar: We need to find Alejandro Herrera, he has Ted Sprague's kidney, and his powers are all out of whack. If you don't help me, Ted will die, millions of people will die, and I will die from waiting to go to Disney World.

Hiro: Well, my powers aren't working that well either….it will be a big risk that I cannot take.

Sylar: Well, that's just great!

Hiro: I'm only doing this because it is for the greater good. But I can give you Molly's home address.

Sylar: Well, I was kinda hoping you'd _take _us there….but since we don't know where it is that's a start.

Ted: He just randomly has Molly's address on hand?

Sylar (to Hiro): Yeah, what's up with that?

Hiro: Her information is logged in the _Hero Online Database_!

Sylar: Interesting….(To Ted)…remind me to look into that when I turn evil again.

Hiro (on the phone): I can still hear you!

Sylar: Anyway, let's hear that address!

Back in the lobby of the hotel, Peter and Nathan have dried off. Sandra and The Haitian are playing Chess. Noah walks in.

Noah: Okay, now that I'm no longer on the verge of death. What we need is….a plan.

Nathan: What is it?

Noah: _A string of words formed together verbally, mentally, or visually in the form of an elaborate scheme or method of action. But enough about that…_

Nathan (dumbfounded): WHAT?

Noah: Look at this.

Noah spreads blueprints on the bed.

Peter: What is it?

Noah: Our own…._amusement park._

Nathan: I'm out.

Noah: This is the only way we are going to stop the Disney Merger!

Haitian: I think you hit your head during that Fairy Godmother attack.

Noah: Nonsense. This plan will succeed with flying colors. With our own amusement park we'll run Disney out of business. That'll really stick it in her craw!

Haitian: _Her?_

Noah: _It…them…..whatever_.

Nathan: I don't think that will run them out of business. They have movies and television to fall back on.

Noah: That will be next. We start production on _Bennet World_ immediately.

Nathan: _Bennet World!_ Who the hell would go to that?

Peter: …_I'd go to Bennet World_.

Claire is in the car with Mohinder and Matt. She gets a text message. Claire looks at the phone.

Message: _Don't even try to tell them the truth or scream for help. The car is bugged._

Claire: Of course it is.

Mohinder: Hmm?

Claire: Oh, nothing….say….let's play a game.

Matt: I like games!

Claire: Good….Okay….what number am I thinking of?

Claire starts mentally telling herself about the situation, hoping Matt will catch on it.

Matt: That's a stupid game.

Claire: GUH!

Matt: Okay, let's play this game….'_Things You Bring To A Picnic'_…..In alphabetical order…Okay…..I'll start.

(CLAP!) (CLAP!)

Matt: APPLE!

Mohinder: …..

Matt: It's your turn, Mohinder.

Mohinder: I'm driving!

Matt: Come on!

Mohinder: Fine….

(CLAP!) (CLAP!)

Mohinder: BANANA!

Matt: Claire?

(CLAP!) (CLAP!)

Claire: _CAPTURED!_

Matt: What the…(turns around)….._you don't bring that to a picnic!_

Claire: Groan…..

(CLAP!) (CLAP!)

Matt: DONUTS!

(CLAP!) (CLAP!)

Mohinder: EGGPLANT!

Matt: Ooh, good one. Claire?

(CLAP!) (CLAP!)

Claire: _FALLING INTO A TRAP!_

Matt: You know what Claire, if you're not going to be serious about this then you can't play.

Claire: DAMMIT!

Nathan is walking outside of his hotel; he looks over to see a Roller Coaster.

Nathan: Where the hell did this come from?

Peter: Bro! Look! Bennet World is open for business!

Nathan: That….was quick.

Noah (approaching Nathan): You know, Nathan, it wouldn't kill you to be more enthusiastic about these things like your brother.

Peter: WOO!

Noah: Unlike you, he is serious about joining me in my cause to take a stand against Disney.

Nathan: Your amusement park consists of _one ride_ and you build it _INSIDE DISNEY WORLD!_ How is that taking a stand?

Noah: Such the pessimist. Okay, Peter, let the maiden voyage of Bennet World's famous roller coaster take off.

Peter presses a button to make the ride start up. The cars tip over and fall off the rails, crashing into the ground below, catching on fire.

Noah: Hmm….

Nathan: Disney-1. Bennet-0.

Nathan starts to walk away; he turns his head to see two other fires off in the distance.

Nathan: Correction. _Disney-3. Bennet-0._

The car pulls up to the warehouse. Claire, Matt, and Mohinder get out.

Mohinder: This isn't your hotel, is it…..because it's much nicer than ours.

Claire: Come inside.

The three of them walk in. Matt and Mohinder see Lyle and Doyle tied up, and Max on a platform ahead of them.

Max: Ah….Matt Parkman….it's been too long. I must say Claire, you did an impeccable job of bringing him to me.

Claire: I didn't really do anything.

Mohinder: What's going on, here?

Max walks down and approaches Matt.

Max: Let's ask Mr. Parkman here…what…..are you doing here?

Matt: ….

Mohinder: ….

Claire: …..

Lyle: …..

Doyle: …..

Max: …..

Matt: …_Do I know you?_

Claire: Seriously?

Max: Yes, Matt….you do…..you just have to remember….35 years ago.

Matt: Yeeesh! 35? That's a long time…..I mean, if I did something to you that's a long time to hold a grudge.

Claire: Thank you!

Sylar and Ted hop into a car.

Sylar: Looks like it's going to be a long trip. Uh….are you going to even make it there.

Ted: Yeah, the Hospital gave me this. It'll keep me running for now.

Ted pulls up an electronic box and plugs it into the cigarette lighter connection.

Sylar: Um…..okay….I was kinda hoping to plug in my mp3 player…..

Ted: …In exchange of me dying?

Sylar: …..Only for a little bit.

Sylar drives off.

Sylar: Gotta hand it to you for using one of the hospital staff's cars for the trip.

Ted: Yeah, didn't even need the keys. I can start cars with my radiation.

Sylar: Yeah, that doesn't make any sense.

Back at the warehouse.

Max: It was 1976….you and I were students, of a very special school for children with…._abilities_.

Lyle: Like X-Men!

Max: No, not like X-Men….

Claire: That sounds a lot like X-Men….

Max: Well, it's not. Anyway, Matt, you and I were both under the tutelage of a _Professor Xavier._

Lyle: THAT IS X-MEN!

Max: No, it's not!

Doyle: Professor Charles Xavier? Yeah, that's straight from X-Men. Bald guy, wheelchair?

Claire: Yeah, I remember him.

Max: Our professor's name was _Milton Xavier_, totally different thing. Now shut up, all of you!

He turns back to Matt.

Max: We both had abilities….yours being telepathy. Many years ago, we both had a thing for the same girl in our class.

Claire: Oh puke…it's one of _those stories_.

Max: ZIP IT!...We got into a huge fight and you used your power….to make me forget about mine.

Matt: Wow! I have the power to do that? _Then why do we have The Haitian on the show?_

Claire: Because unlike you, The Haitian actually uses his powers! Like when somebody drops hints about an upcoming trap!

Matt: I was wondering why you were so terrible at the picnic game.

Max: Do to me losing my abilities; I was expelled from the campus. They sent me back home. I had to go to _Public School_….you know how horrible that is?

Matt: Uh….

Max: But…you have a chance to redeem yourself….

Mohinder: If I may add something, Matt didn't even realize he had his ability until after the Eclipse, along with everyone else….except for the previous generation of Heroes…in which case….um…..you know what, I'm not even going to bother opening that can of worms again.

Max: I heard you felt terrible about what you did; you made yourself forget what happened.

Matt: I guess….that's not enough of an apology.

Max: No.

Matt: Well, sorry man, I really don't remember you.

Max: That's a shame.

Max gets on his phone.

Max (on the phone): Lilith?….proceed.

Claire: Now if I may add something….would you care to enlighten us what _Disney World and those other stupid disasters has to do with all this?_

Max: …In due time.

Max walks away. Meanwhile, outside of the park. Lilith stands at the gates with a Hawk on her arm. She points her other arm towards the inside of the park.

Lilith: …Go!

The Hawk takes off, as a horde of various animals storm around Lilith and into the park. People start running away and screaming. A mountain lion stops next to her. She climbs on top of it and rides it inside.

_To Be Continued_…


	23. Tragic Kingdom

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.23)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

**Author Note: Sorry for the delay again. One vacation and the flu later (yuck!), we're back in business. Enjoy!**

Noah: _Previously on Heroes_…

Matt: We got our tickets to Disney World!

Niki, Daphne, Hiro and Ando were trapped in Disney Jail.

Niki: You plan on getting us out of here soon, Hiro?

Hiro tries to teleport, losing his clothes in the process.

Hiro: AHH!

Sylar: We have to stop Disney from taking over The Company….oh wait, that's Noah Bennet's storyline. _What the hell where we doing again?_

Ted: Stopping Alejandro Herrera from destroying the world with his newfound powers….and my liver.

Sylar: I liked the first one better.

Meanwhile!

Claire: There's been a murder.

Doyle shows up.

Claire: I knew it! It was you all along. Thanks to my expert sleuthing skills.

She holds up a magnifying glass to her eye.

Claire: This magnifying glass doesn't have a _glass_ in it. (She pokes her finger through it) What the hell!

Max, the story arc's big bad, shows up.

Claire: Nice. (Eye roll)

Later, in a Warehouse.

Claire: What do you want?

Max: I want Matt Parkman.

Claire brings Matt and Mohinder to the Warehouse.

Max: Matt, do you remember 35 years ago. We were a part of a school for people with abilities like ours. You stole the love of my life, but even worse….you stole my powers.

Claire: BORING!

Matt: Yeah, I don't remember any of that.

Max: That's too bad. (He gets on the phone) Lilith. You may proceed.

Lilith, standing at the gates to Disney World, releases an armada of vicious animals onto the park.

At the gates, which read:

_Chapter Twenty Three 'Tragic Kingdom'_

Animals are running amok, people scream and try to hide. Meanwhile, in the warehouse, Claire, Matt, Mohinder, Lyle and Doyle are watching the tragedy on the television.

Matt (jumping up): TOUCHDOWN!

They all get up and jump, cheering at the football game playing on the tv.

Claire: Okay, enough of that. Let's change it back to the Disney Security Cameras.

Mohinder switches it back. People are running for their lives.

Claire: Oh my god, those people are in danger!

Max: Uh, DUH! They have been for like 45 minutes! You people just sat there watching tv.

Claire: But the game was on!

Meanwhile, at Molly's House. Sylar and Ted stand outside….of Molly's House.

Ted: _Stellar Narration._

Sylar: This is it. The girl lives here. She will tell us where Alejandro is.

Ted: Super.

Sylar and Ted walk up. Sylar knocks on the door.

Sylar: ….

Ted: ….

Sylar knocks again. Molly finally opens.

Molly: What do you want, Sylar?

Sylar: We need your help.

Molly: No, I don't help villains. Goodbye!

Slam!

Sylar: Listen, if you don't let us in we'll _force_ ourselves in….er….I mean…_'please'?_

Molly: No!

Ted: _We'll_ _huff and we'll puff and_ then find a window to break and then just crawl in.

Sylar (turning to him): _It's 'or I'll blow your house in.' _Read a book!

Ted: I'm sorry, do you have _super breath_? By all means, blow this house down.

Sylar takes a sharp breath.

Ted: ….

Sylar exhales.

Sylar: Oh, shut up.

He storms off. Ted looks up in the sky.

Ted: Huh….look at that.

The camera zooms away from Ted and into space, we pan back to see Earth as it forms the title sequence!

**= = =HEROES= = =**

In a café, in Downtown Disney World, Nathan is sipping a cup of hot tea.

Nathan: This tea…..isn't very good….oh wait, there's no tea bag. No wonder. Haha….

Peter slams into his chair behind him.

Peter: BRO!

Nathan spills his tea in his lap.

Nathan: _SON OF A PREACHER MAN!_

One pair of pants and a packet of burn gel later.

Nathan: Much better. Peter, what do you want?

Peter: I have….the most brilliant idea.

Nathan: Not interested.

Peter: It will save all our skins.

Nathan: What?

Peter: I know how we can stop Disney from taking over The Company.

Nathan: Where's Noah, and why should we care? None of us work at The Company.

Peter: He has to clean up his mess when he tried to build a rival Amusement Park. But this plan….is just….too good. You see, I'm….kind of a lawyer.

Nathan: …NO YOU'RE NOT!

Peter: Yes I am, bro. A long time ago I represented Claire when she got framed for the murder of her teacher…..remember?

Nathan: Uh, no.

Peter: Well, I've been practicing law on the side. And I've been taking a look at this here contract…just follow my lead.

Nathan: What am I supposed to do?

Peter: Look pretty and let me do all the talking.

Nathan: Ugh….

Meanwhile, in the warehouse. _A Grizzly Bear breaks down the doors_.

Bear: RAWR!

Claire: Oh my god! The park's been overrun by animals.

Max: _How many times are you going to realize this?_ Seriously, do all your villains have to put up with this?

Doyle: Yes!

Max: I've had enough. Ta! Ta!

Max runs off.

Claire: And what is with the villains always running off? Like we're going to give chase.

Matt: I'll stop him!

Matt takes a step.

Matt: AHHH! _Charley Horse!_

Matt falls to the ground.

Meanwhile, back at Molly's. Sylar and Ted look through a window.

Ted: Uh…..what the hell kind of house is this? There are like….traps and weapons and things.

Sylar: Oh great, she must have seen the new _Home Alone Movie_.

Ted: _They still make those?_

=Home Alone 18: Nursing Home Alone=

Orderly: John, have you seen Mr. McCallister?

John: Oh no! I must have left him in his room….ALONE!

Kevin McCallister, Age 80, looks in the mirror.

Kevin: AHHHHHH!

He slaps his cheeks, _making his dentures fly out._

Ted: Oh yeah, I saw that one. _That bird lady from the second one was his roommate_. Which would make her at least 120. It was just weird.

Sylar (turning to him): Are you quite finished.

Ted: Maybe.

Sylar turns around to see Molly staring at him.

Sylar: AHHH!

Molly: You're not getting in here.

Ted: Quick question, are those actual traps or do you like giving off the impression that you're a serial killer.

Sylar: Yeah, _because you're doing it wrong!_

Ted: Uh….yeah.

Molly: It's for my protection. You're not getting in here.

Sylar: All you have to do is answer one question! SHEESH!

Meanwhile, back in the café.

Peter: Now, Nathan….repeat after me….OBJECTION!

Nathan: We're not going to court…..right?

Peter: We're lawyers. We need to learn the lingo. Now, repeat after me….._Ruth Bader Ginsburg._

Nathan: Seriously?

Claire runs outside. She turns as a cougar lunges toward her. She screams as the animal freezes in mid-air, inches from her face.

Claire: Huh?...What?

She notices a hand on her shoulder. A hand belonging to _Hiro_.

Claire: Hiro! I'm glad to see you.

Hiro: You almost became a _'Claire-Sandwich'_.

Claire: Haha….uh….what?

Hiro: We're here to stop the attack.

Behind Hiro are Niki, Daphne and Ando with guns.

Claire: Holy crap, you're going to shoot them!

Hiro: No, of course not. They're tranquilizers.

Claire: Oh, whew.

Hiro: We'll save Disney Land!

Claire: World.

Hiro: Whatever!

Claire: I noticed your powers seem to be working again.

Hiro: I got some help….from a friend.

Hiro nods at Niki, who waves.

Hiro teleports away.

Daphne: Now where did he go?

Claire (to Niki): How did you fix him?

Niki: I threatened to beat the living crap out of him if he didn't get his crap together. Seriously, it took us like, 5 hours to get back here. And he kept teleporting clothes. It was when I eventually lost _my clothes where I just snapped._

Claire: Huh…..okay then.

Niki cocks her tranquilizer gun.

Niki: Where's Matt and Mohinder? I need to test this baby out.

Claire: In the warehouse.

Niki runs in.

SHOONK!

Mohinder: AHH! I feel faint!

CRASH!

Niki: Yay! It works!

Upstairs, Max is running away. Matt is limping after him.

Matt: Oh, come on! I haven't worked out my cramp yet. Come on! At least slow down and give me a chance!

Back at Molly's. Ted walks by the back door. He notices a doggie door entrance.

Ted: Well, that HAS to work.

Ted walks up and sticks his head in. Molly is standing there.

Ted: Hello.

Molly: Have you met my foot?

Ted: Listen! We…..we're quite alike, you and I.

Molly: How so?

Ted: We like the same things.

Molly: Really, you watch tv?

Ted: Of course, I love tv!

Molly: You watch _iCarly_?

Ted: Is that the one with _Spongebob Squarepants?_

Molly: Wrong answer!

Molly puts her foot on his head.

Ted: Wait, wait, wait. Listen, let us have a serious chat. Complete stranger to girl.

Molly: I'm listening.

Ted: We don't mean any harm. We just really need to know the whereabouts of a dangerous man is. Thousands of lives are at stake, and he has my liver, which I need really badly to live. So….what do you say?

Molly: Well, I guess that's a good excuse. He's at The North Park Mall.

Ted: Man, that sure is a cool ability.

Molly: Oh, I didn't even have to use my ability on that one. _It's been on the news all morning_.

Ted: Uh…huh.

Sylar, climbing through a window in the bathroom, his foot stuck in the toilet.

Sylar (screaming): What did she just say?

Back at the warehouse, Max makes his way to a suspended catwalk. He hops on it, Matt follows.

Matt: Listen man, I know we didn't know each other for long…..

Max: I know who you are, Parkman. I've known you for 35 long, painful years. I've waited for this day to seek vengeance.

Matt: Man, you villains and your vengeance. Why can't you guys just rob banks anymore?

Max: Have at you!

Max takes a swing at Matt, punching him dead on in the jaw. Matt tumbles.

Matt: Oh, god, that….hurt! Man, you're a jerk! Whatever I did you probably deserved it!

Max: Die!

He kicks Matt a few times.

Matt: OOF! OOF!...Errgh…..

Matt grabs his foot and twists it, making Max fall on the platform. He rolls over and falls off the edge, holding on with one hand.

Matt: Grab my hand!

Max: I'd rather die than be saved by you?

Matt: Come on, that fight lasted only 10 seconds. We have to do better than that.

Max: Well….okay.

Matt helps him up. Max jabs him in the stomach.

Matt: OOF!...Oh….not fair….

Peter and Nathan are in a conference room with the Disney Execs.

Main Exec: I do not understand why you're wasting your time here.

Peter: Well, it's pretty clear. The contract that both parties signed appears to be breached….by the one party….you.

Main Exec: I…

Peter: Objection!

Main Exec: …..

Peter (to Nathan): See, told you that works.

Nathan: Yes, because randomly shouting '_Ruth Bader Ginsburg'_ only made you look like an idiot.

Peter: That only works in Civil Court.

Noah bursts in.

Noah: Sorry I'm late. I've…..(gasping for breath)….been….tearing down my failed park.

He sees Peter wearing glasses.

Noah: Oh crap, is Peter trying to be a lawyer?

Nathan: You missed it when we were shouting out Ginsburg's name.

Noah: That only works in Civil Court.

Nathan: WHAT?

Noah: Gentlemen, I'm sorry if this man caused any trouble.

Peter: I did cause trouble, Mr. Bennet. Trouble….for these guys.

Main Exec: How so?

Peter: According to this contract that you signed on behalf of Disney. All employees' meals are to come with a breakfast, lunch, dinner, and 2 snacks. Those snacks were not supplied by the appropriate snack time. Thus, you breached your side of the contract.

Nathan: You can't possibly think that they're going to fall for…

Main Exec: Well, _he's got us._

Nathan (face palm): Oh my god….

Main Exec: Fine, we'll relinquish the company from its contract. Please sign here.

Peter signs the paper.

Nathan: What did you just….

Main Exec: But we'll be watching….and waiting…..

Peter: For…what?

The Execs leave the room.

Peter: Man, I'm in the wrong line of work.

Noah: What did you just sign?

Peter: Um…..blah, blah, blah…..'We here at Disney relinquish rights of The Company to its rightful owner.' Blah, blah, blah…..Oh….this is weird. Looks like I just inherited The Company.

Noah: Um….what?

Peter: Wow! My own business!

Nathan (looking at the document): Yeah….the line he signed forwarded ownership to Peter.

Peter: Awesome.

Noah: What about Micah? What happens to him?

Peter: He can be my Vice President.

Nathan: Oh, that's nice. Your brother is out of a job and all.

Peter: You're my secretary.

Nathan: Oh, nice. (Eye roll)

Peter: Actually, who is that stunning woman who looks like Niki but isn't anywhere as mean and violent.

Nathan: Uh….Tracy?

Peter: Yes…._she will by my secretary_…you can be _her_ secretary.

Nathan: Even better.

Peter: Well, I'm off. I have an empire to run.

Noah: Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

Nathan: ….

Noah: You're right. There's no frying pan.

Nathan: Just fire.

Meanwhile, at The North Park Mall, a car crashes through the front glass window.

Ted: There was like, _six parking spaces up front._

Sylar: There he is!

They get out of the car and run behind a fountain.

Alejandro is blowing things up.

Ted: Quick nitpick, why do you people insist on hiding your powers when there are _criminals running around blatantly using their powers in the public eye_?

Sylar: We leave that to the media. Right now they're dubbing it as '_Super Flu!'_

Ted: Wonderful.

Sylar: We have to do something.

Alejandro: Everyone in this mall will die if they don't tell me where my sister is!

Ted: _Did he just say that?_ She was at the hospital he blew up before he ran off with my liver! How can he say that?...Man, _this show, I swear._

Sylar: Hold on, I have an idea.

Back in the park. Daphne zooms up. An elephant is charging up to her, she shoots it with a tranquilizer dart to subdue it. Six more elephants run up.

Daphne: Oh, geez.

She speeds off. She runs to the top of a building where Ando is looking at Lilith.

Daphne (whispering): Uh…what are you doing?

Ando: Trying to think of what to do next.

Daphne: Duh, she's a bad guy! Shoot her!

Ando raises his gun and fires. A bird swoops down and takes the dart for her.

Daphne: Cheating!

Lilith turns around.

Lilith: I'm sorry, was that for me?

Daphne: I already don't like this broad.

Lilith: Max will be dead soon. I should probably hide out for a while.

Daphne: Huh?

Lilith: I'll be back when it's over.

Lilith raises her arms. Two eagles swoop down and pick her up by her shoulders.

Daphne: Because _that's scientifically possible_.

Ando: Stop her! You're fast!

Daphne: I can't run through air, you doofus!

The two of them stand there on the roof.

Back in the mall.

Ted: I. Look. Ridiculous.

Sylar: No…you…..you…..yeah, you look stupid. But it's the only plan I got.

Ted walks out, wearing a long, black wig.

Ted: How the hell is this going to convince him that I'm his sister?

Sylar: Beats me. Hope you've boned up on your Spanish. Later!

Sylar pushes Ted into the food court.

Ted: OOF!

Ted lands in front of Alejandro….who squints at him.

Ted: Alejandro! It's me….your sister….uh…..uhhh…..uhhhhhh…Okay, let's try this. _You tell me 'my' name._

CRASH!

Ted goes sliding back to Sylar.

Sylar: Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Ted: Well, excuse me! I didn't know the woman's name!

Sylar: I'm pretty sure it's come up in conversation. Her name's Maya….all she does is squawk about how I killed her brother.

Ted (looking back): …_Isn't he right there?_

Sylar: Don't get me started.

Ted: Hmm.

Sylar: Okay, go back. I have a different idea.

Ted: What?

Sylar: It'll work this time. Go! Go!

Ted: Hmph! It better work.

Ted gets up and runs back into the food court. Sylar takes off.

Ted: Alejandro! It is I, your sister! You shall not….defy me again….or I'm telling mom, or something.

Alejandro: You are not my sister. You don't even have the same hair.

Ted feels his head.

Ted (screaming): SYLAR! My wig? What the hell, man?

Sylar (from across the mall): _Getting my money back, keep stalling!_

Ted: Dammit!

Alejandro: You will die if you do not tell me where my sister is.

Ted: Dude, she's at the hospital. You were just there! You blew it up; you have my liver, which I would like to have back, please.

Alejandro: That's not good enough.

Ted: ….uh….Room 2B?...I don't know what you want from me, pal.

Alejandro: DIE!

Alejandro grabs Ted.

BANG!

Alejandro drops Ted shortly before slumping to the ground. Behind him, Sylar is holding a pistol.

Ted: Oh my god, you killed her brother!

Sylar: Don't you start with that, now.

Ted: And what store in a public mall sells both _wigs and guns?_

Sylar: That's not important. We saved the day! I feel pretty good inside…..kinda sucks. I think I'll go back to being a villain tomorrow.

Ted: That's nice, can you get my liver out now.

Sylar: Here!

Ted: I can't make it to the hospital. There's a surgical outlet store over there. Just get a scalpel and whatever and put it back.

Sylar: Well…..fine, just this once.

They walk off into the Outlet Store.

Max and Matt are still fighting. Matt grabs the railing with both hands and jumps, kicking Max in the stomach. He falls off the edge, holding by his hand.

Matt: I can't believe I pulled that off!...Oh, man…I'm going to be hurting tomorrow.

Matt runs to Max.

Matt: Grab my hand!

Max: Never!

Matt: Listen, Max. I'm sorry whatever it was I did to you! But it's not too late! We can fix it. You don't have to die. Here….

Matt grabs a tiny glass bottle from his pocket.

Matt: Drink this eternal life juice from '_Death Becomes Her'_ so you'll survive the fall. Yeah, you'll never die and _Bruce Willis will have to keep putting you back together once your skin starts to peel_. But we can fix that. We can just give it to him….or we can just fix each other up. But we'll just need to avoid stairs or we'll both be screwed.

Max: You don't get it, do you?

Matt: Actually, no. I don't think any of us do…you've been kinda vague about this whole thing.

Max: This was a part of the plan….for it is coming…..

Matt: Huh?

Max: The _prophecy….has been fulfilled_.

Max lets go and falls to his death.

Matt: Um….well, if you change your mind…..here you go.

Matt drops the bottle.

The catwalk shakes.

Matt: Uh…..that's not good.

The catwalk collapses.

Matt: WAAAAAAAAHHHH! I SHOULD HAVE DRANK THAT BOTTTTLLLLLLEEEE!

CRAAAASH!

Back at the hospital, Sylar and Ted walk out.

Ted: How could you screw up installing a liver? Good thing I didn't croak on the way back.

Sylar: How many times do I have to tell you people I'm not a doctor?

Maya: Gabriel! You saved my brother….though someone shot him. I will never rest until I find the shooter.

Sylar: Well, you have fun with that. Bye now!

Sylar walks off. Ted follows.

Sylar: What are you doing?

Ted: I don't know, where are you going?

Sylar: To Disney World….where I was meant to go.

Sylar pulls out the comic book….all the pages are blank.

Sylar: Well, I guess I missed my chance…ah, screw it. I'm still going. You coming?

Ted: Sure, I just had major surgery and all. Why not?

They start to walk off.

Sylar: This car looks good, let's steal it. You can still do that sort of thing, right?

Ted looks up at the sky.

Ted: Sure can.

An eclipse is forming.

Ted: _It's coming….again_.

Sylar (in the distance): NO CD PLAYER! Okay, we'll blow up this car….and we'll try _this car_…..okay, I'm ready to go.

_To Be Continued_.


	24. Identity Crisis

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.24)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

Mohinder: _Previously on Heroes…_

Max: I've gathered you all here because I want Matt Parkman.

Max and Matt have a final showdown on a suspended catwalk.

Matt: Of all places, you couldn't just use steady ground?

Max falls to his death.

Lilith is standing on the rooftop. Daphne and Ando behind her.

Lilith: Max will die soon; I better lie low until things return to normal.

Lilith makes her escape when two eagles carry her away.

Daphne: I still don't know how she did that.

Peter: I have the perfect plan to help The Company get out of the Disney Merger.

Nathan: It will never work.

Main Exec: We give up!

Peter: Hey, it worked!

Nathan: Excuse me?

Peter: What did I just sign…..hey! Looks like I'm the owner of The Company now!

Noah: I feel faint.

Ted: Will you please tell us where Alejandro is.

Molly: The mall.

Sylar shoots Alejandro before he kills Ted.

Sylar: The day is saved…..thanks to me, of course.

Maya: You saved my brother. Though I will find his killer.

Sylar: No one cares. Bye now!

Ted: We're off to Disney World! Hope it hasn't been ravaged by random animal attacks!

Sylar: I second that.

Ted looks up as an eclipse starts to form.

Ticking is heard, as we pan by Peter's desk. Peter Petrelli…owner of _The Company_.

Peter: Ooooh, that gives me tingles!

In the break room.

Noah: I just threw up a little.

Elle: Uh…EW!

Back in Peter's office. He grabs some papers; he looks around and pretends to shuffle them. On the front page reads:

_Chapter Twenty Four 'Identity Crisis'_

Peter: Man, this job is boring.

Micah walks in.

Peter: Hey, Micah! Sorry for taking your job and all.

Micah: That's okay. I'm actually relieved. I mean I can only miss so much school.

Peter: Then everybody wins! And by everybody I mean especially….

Tracy: Nathan?

Outside of the office, Tracy is at her secretary desk. Nathan has a box.

Tracy: Are….you…..working….here?

Nathan: Yes….I'm the secretary.

Tracy: Oh! You must be my assistant.

Nathan: Fantastic.

Peter and Micah walk outside.

Micah: Later guys! Good luck with the company, Peter!

Peter: Thanks! Okay, bro! You're here!

Nathan: Uh-huh.

Peter: Okay, well Micah is out. So I'm going to need a new Vice President! There is only one person from the job, a man who I trust completely. An honest to goodness man who I have known for my entire life. My brother, Nathan….

Nathan: Thank you, Peter.

Peter: _Would you be a pal and go fetch Noah for me so I can promote him to Vice President?_

Nathan: GRR!...Wait, you haven't known Noah your entire life.

Peter: Yeah, that last part was kind of misleading.

Nathan: Ugh!

Back in the break room.

Peter (to Noah): How would you. Noah Bennet. Like to be. My. Vice. President?

Noah: No thanks.

Peter: What? Why not? What if I croak? Who would continue my legacy?

Noah: What legacy? You've only had ownership for a day!

Peter: But…but…but….

Noah: Besides, I've donated enough of my time into this place. I should be spending more time with my family…

Sandra's voice appears in Noah's head.

Sandra: _It's time for Mr. Muggles' dance recital!_

Noah: …to an extent, of course.

Peter: Hmm….Family, huh?

Claire is putting something up in her locker at school. She slams the door closed as Peter appears behind it.

Claire: AHHHH!

Peter: Hello, Claire.

Claire: Peter, what are you doing here?

Peter: Actually, what are _you_doing here? Isn't this a high school and aren't you, like, 25, or something?

Claire: I'm 21….and I told you, I teach the future cheerleaders of the world here.

Peter: Aaaand….you get your own locker?

Claire: Yes…..Now if you'd excuse me. I have lives to shape…that doesn't sound right ….lives to….form?...I'm changing lives…..

The principal walks by.

Principal: The football season's been cancelled. You're fired.

Claire: GAH! But….Are you even going to explain why?

Peter: Excellent. Now you can be my Vice President!

Claire: VP Of The Company?…._and boss around my dad and Elle_ _all day?_…Yeah, I can get behind that.

Peter: Wonderful, come in whenever you can for your interview.

Claire: Uh…you came to me. I still have to give an interview?

Peter: Of course, this is a professional place; and I am a professional person….in fact you should start calling me '_The Professor'_.

Claire: I'm not calling you 'The Professor'.

Peter: I like you, kid. You've got moxie. You can start tomorrow.

Claire: Uh….okay.

Peter: Get your shoes shined while you're at it, kid!

Peter flicks a quarter at Claire, hitting her in the eye.

Claire: OW!

Meanwhile, at The Hospital!

Niki and Mohinder are standing at Matt's bedside. He is unconscious.

Niki: Seriously, can't anybody on this show go one episode without falling into a coma?

Mohinder: The doctor said he'd be fine. He just hit his head when he fell from that catwalk.

Niki (eating Matt's Jell-O): So….do we have to stay here or what?

Mohinder: Niki! I'm surprised at you! Matt may be a dunderhead but he is still our friend and we should stick together!

Niki: Did you just say _dunderhead?_

Mohinder: We should stay by his side, through thick and thin. Frankly, you should be ashamed.

Doctor (walking in): Looks like you guys can go home.

Mohinder: Oh _thank god, I hate this place!_ Let's go, Niki.

Doctor: Um….you can take your friend too.

Mohinder: But he's still unconscious!

Doctor: He'll be up in a few hours. All his tests came back okay, so….we can get a wheelchair for you.

Mohinder: Nonsense! Matt may be a big guy, but surely the strength of two men should be more than sufficient. Come on, Niki!

Niki (crushing the Jell-O cup): _Did you just call me a man?_

Back at The Company. Claire (wearing an eye patch) walks up to Peter's Office.

Tracy: Hi, Claire! Do you have an appointment with The President?

Claire: Uh….yeah. I'm here for the interview for the VP.

Tracy: Congratulations.

Claire: Yeah, apparently Peter told me I had an interview, than I got the job, now I have to do a post-hire interview…which is stupid!

Claire looks at the other desk, which Nathan is sitting at.

Claire (to Nathan): _You're working here, too!_

Nathan: Yes, I'm the assistant to the secretary. See the badge?

Nathan shows Claire a badge that is in the shape of an ice cream cone.

Nathan: One scoop means I'm a trainee.

Claire: How cute! And it has a cherry on it! Awww…

Nathan: You're making this experience much worse than it needs to be.

Claire: Sorry.

Nathan: So…eye patch?

Claire: Peter flicked a quarter in my eye, slicing my cornea.

Nathan: You're lucky, last summer he used a silver dollar on me. I'm still waiting on my replacement eye. This one's glass. (Tink! Tink!)

Claire: Gross.

Peter (opening the door): Claire! You're here! Come in.

Claire walks in.

Peter (To Nathan): Bro, I just want to say you're doing an excellent job. Keep this up and you could be promoted to _two scoops_.

Nathan (sarcastic): _Oh my stars! REALLY!_

Peter: You bet….keep up the good work, buddy!

Peter closes the door.

Nathan (to Tracy): So, where's your badge?

Tracy: Haha…._ I don't have to wear one of those._ I mean come on….they're ridiculous.

Nathan: Uh….huh…..

= = =**Heroes= = = **

Peter is writing something down. Claire is sitting across from him.

Claire: So….

Peter: Allright….so Claire, where do you see yourself in 50 years.

Claire: 50? That's….kinda far. What a weird question to ask.

Peter: Hmm…I was looking for 'Here, of course'.

Claire: I'm not going to work here for 50 years!

Peter: What are your strengths?

Claire: I can't die.

Peter: Weaknesses?

Claire: Back of the head. Then I die….until it gets removed….then I'm alive again.

Peter: That's usually the typical answer.

Claire: Huh?

Peter: Let's talk about how much we can start you out with.

Claire: Cool.

Peter: Let's see…..I can start you out at 10.

Claire: _10 dollars an hour_. Wow, I'll take it.

Peter: Hahaha….no, no…..10 hours a day.

Claire: Excuse me?

Peter: You would have to work…10 hours a day.

Claire: Yeah….that's negotiable. But….the money I would be making is….

Peter: Oh, there's no money. You get paid with _hours_. You will be paid _10 hours of work daily_.

Claire: That doesn't make any sense….I mean, _who the hell does that? _You have to give me money for work….that's how life works.

Peter: No, I'm pretty sure you work today, and you get paid 10 hours, which you use to work tomorrow.

Claire: IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!

Peter: Okay…..11 hours. But I'll go no higher.

Claire: Haven't you ever had a job? You work, you get paid.

Peter: Hmm…pretty sure you're wrong.

Claire: Okay, okay. When you were a nurse, you didn't get paid money?

Peter: Nope….Just more hours. I didn't want the money. I only did it just for the fun of the craft.

Claire: …..

Peter: …..

Claire: That's. Bull. Crap.

Peter: …..okay, I can start you at 10 dollars an hour.

Claire: Great!

Claire walks out of the office.

Claire: Getting paid 10 bucks an hour to boss around _both of my dads_, I'm in heaven!

Nathan: One of those dads can hear you, just sayin…

Later, at Tracy's house.

Mohinder and Niki burst through the door, holding Matt by his arms and legs.

Mohinder: Where are we?

Niki: Well….since we can't go five seconds without losing our house, Tracy said we can stay here for a while.

Mohinder: That's good….okay….ready….

Niki: Ready!

They drop Matt on the floor….next to the couch.

Niki: Break time!

Niki and Mohinder plop on the couch, resting their feet on Matt.

Mohinder: Now what?

Niki: Now we watch some tv.

Niki reaches for the remote.

Niki: Um…Mohinder?

Mohinder: Yes?

Niki: Where's Matt?

Matt jumps over the back of the couch and between Mohinder and Niki, dressed in pajamas.

Matt: I was hoping mommy or daddy could read me a bedtime story!

Niki: _EXCUSE ME!_

Matt with teddy bear in hand, hands Mohinder a book.

Mohinder: '_War and Peace'_, that's not a very good children's book. Which reminds me, _where the hell have Micah and Molly been this entire time?_

Matt: I'll wait for you guys. Night, mom and dad!

Mohinder: _Don't forget to give your mom a kiss, son_!

Matt: Right!

Matt kisses Niki on the cheek, she freezes in terror.

Mohinder (laughing): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm sorry….I'm sorry…..(covering his mouth)…..I couldn't resist.

Niki (suspiciously calm): That's okay, Mohinder…..I like jokes. Jokes are fun.

Mohinder: So, he's obviously suffering from some sort of neurological disorder.

Niki: We should get to the hospital.

Mohinder: That's a great idea!

2 hours later, Niki wheels Mohinder (who now has a broken leg and arm) out of the hospital.

Mohinder: You weren't thinking about Matt, were you?

Niki: Nope!

Mohinder: Yeah…oh and by the way…..seriously, _leg AND arm?….Overkill much?_

Meanwhile, back in the break room.

Noah (eating): ….What? So I like to take breaks! It's not like we're doing anything.

Claire (sitting down): Hello, Mr. Bennet.

Noah: Claire Bear. We've been over this. You can't go to the rock concert. So you can go ahead and stop passive aggressively calling me by my last name.

Claire: I'm the VP.

Noah: He didn't!

Claire: He. Did.

Noah: Dammit!

Claire: Oh, and there is no swearing in the office.

Claire holds up a '_Swear Jar'_.

Noah: You totally stole that from the house!

Claire: Did not!

Noah: Did to!

Claire: Did not!

Noah storms into Peter's office.

Peter: Yes?

Noah: You can't make Claire the Vice President she's only…..

Peter: 21?

Noah: Okay, I can't use that one….um….Conflict of Interest!

Peter: Nathan's my brother, she's my Niece, and you and Nathan are her two dads. We kinda threw the 'conflict of interest' thing out the window. Besides, is anybody really keeping score around here?

Noah: But….um…..You won't get away with this!

Noah walks out of the room.

Peter: Nobody talks to the President like that. _I'm going to remove one of his scoops!_

Noah walks up to Nathan.

Nathan: Yes?

Noah: We need to do something. We can't have Claire be the Vice President!

Nathan: You mean because she only has high school and cheerleading experience and I was a _Senator_…..and a _Mayor_…I guess those should be switched around.

Noah: No, this job is far too dangerous. You remember what happened the _last time we had an attack?_

Noah runs up, he is in the middle of a carnival.

Noah (pointing his gun): Freeze, scumbag!

Samuel Sullivan: You caught me, but before you take me in. Can I interest you in a funnel cake?

Noah: I'd love one! Thanks!

Samuel hands Noah the funnel cake.

Noah: Hey! This funnel cake is stale!

Samuel: I know! HAHAHAHAHA!

Noah turns around and realizes that Samuel, and the Carnival, has vanished.

Noah drops the funnel cake.

Noah (fists raised): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Nathan: What the _hell_ did that have to do with Claire working here?

Noah: Um….lots?

Nathan: Listen, I deserve the position more than Claire. But if you want, I will help you.

Noah: What are you saying? That Claire can't do it?

Nathan: What?

Noah: You're saying she doesn't have it in her! Well, you're wrong, pal!

Nathan: Uh…you came to me with this problem. You're the one who wanted to get rid of her.

Noah: Oh yeah….okay, we'll do that. Meet me back up here tonight.

Nathan: Okay, just wait outside for me. I don't get level 3 clearance until my fifth scoop.

Noah: _Fifth scoop of what?_

Nathan: The badge…

Noah: …

Nathan: ….

Noah: …(shrug)

Nathan: Oh, to hell with this!

Nathan rips his badge off.

Back at Tracy's.

Niki opens the door, she looks around.

Niki: All clear.

Mohinder: Fantastic, now wheel me in.

Niki: Oh yeah, forgot about that.

Niki wheels Mohinder inside the house.

Niki: I don't see Matt anywhere….sooo….we're good.

Matt: Hey guys! What's up?

Niki: Okay, that was just a phase. Good.

Mohinder: And he's dressed like an adult. That is good.

Matt: Allow me to introduce myself. _I'm Troy Mcclure. You may remember me from such other informational documentaries such as 'Skittles: The Silent Killer' and 'Mommy, if the Stork delivers the baby, who delivers the Stork's baby?'_

Niki: Wow, Matt, that's….informative. Excuse me for one moment.

She turns to Mohinder.

Niki: Mohinder, he has lost it! We need to do something drastic.

Mohinder: Let's kill him!

Niki: Or we could ki…wait, that was going to be my idea! What gives?

Mohinder: I can't have him gallivanting about with all these personas. The _League Of Scientists _will be here next week to monitor my….

Niki: Oh my god, _no one cares._ We need to deal with this now before he changes into something else.

Matt appears from the shadows.

Matt: Hello, Mrs. Sanders. Mr. Suresh….._My name is Chris Hansen, and you are on 'To Catch A Predator'_.

Niki: To catch a WHAT?

Mohinder: Oh…no, no, no, no, no, no…..Niki, we need to get the hell out of here….NOW!

Niki: What is he talking about? Who is he supposed to be?

Mohinder: Have you never seen that show!

Niki: No.

Mohinder waves her over, she leans down as he whispers in her ear.

Niki: Oh please…..none of that stuff is real.

Police sirens start to shine through the window.

Niki: Okay, bye now.

Niki spins Mohinder around and rams him into the door.

Mohinder: MY FOOT!

Niki: Open the door!

Mohinder: OW! FOOT! AGAIN!

Back at the office.

Back at the High School.

Claire: I demand to know why the season's been cancelled!

Principal: Several players are out sick.

Claire: You cancel a whole season because of that?

Principal: Well, if you can think of any people off the top of your head that can fill their shoes….jerseys….yeah, that's better. Then we'll renew the season. Anybody will do, Family, Friends, _Subordinates from your Uncle's company_.

Claire: Hmm….._Friends, huh_?

Claire is weeping in her pillow at home, Lyle is there.

Claire (sobbing): I have no friends! WAAAH!

Lyle: What about on Facebook?

Claire: Those friends suck!

Claire (on computer): Oooh! It's Natalie! I haven't talked to her since High School!

-On Facebook-

_Claire Bennet: Hi Natalie! Long time, no see!_

_Natalie Jones: Claire! How are you?_

_Claire: Great!_

_Natalie: We should totally hang out!_

_Claire: We SHOULD totally hang out._

_Natalie: Definitely, we'll hang out soon. Very, very, soon._

_Claire: When do you want to hang out?_

_Natalie: What?_

_Claire: Hang out…with me? We just talked about it._

_Natalie: Oh, I wasn't serious about that._

Lyle: Weren't you the head cheerleader? How does that happen?

Claire: You're right. In order to make new friends, I have to get the football team back into play.

Lyle: Um…..okay?

Claire: I know just who to talk to.

Back at The Company.

Claire: Attention, everyone! Please report to the break room.

Nathan: We're _in_ the break room.

Claire: Oh….how long has this break room been here?

Noah: We've been wondering that ourselves.

Elle (to Noah): Have you even left the break room yet?

Noah: Nope.

Claire: Listen, we have a real crisis on our hands….I…..I have no friends.

Elle: HELLO! I've been wanting to be your friend for like….forever, Claire! All you have to do is call me and we'd hang out!

Claire: Really? Okay, we'll hang out.

Elle: _Oh, I wasn't serious about that_.

Claire (pissed): ANYWAY!…..You all are replacing the sick football players for the High School I work for.

Noah: Aaaand, this is why I stay in the break room all the time.

The next morning….

Niki wakes up in the driver's seat of her car. Mohinder is in the back seat.

Niki: Where the hell is Tracy? This is her house…..I think.

Mohinder: Oh…..shall we try it again?

Niki: Sure!

Niki and Mohinder open the front door.

Niki: Matt…you in here?...

Mohinder: Matt?

Niki: ….Maybe he's unconscious again.

Mohinder: We can only hope.

They walk inside the house. An explosion goes off in the living room.

Niki: WAAAH!

Mohinder: What the?

Matt dives out through the smoke, out of the bedroom. He gets on his cell phone.

Matt (on the phone): Dammit, Chloe! I need those schematics! Get me through to the president!

Mohinder: Oh good, he's Jack Bauer from 24. That's….better?

Niki: Ugh….I hope he knows that _anybody who hasn't watched that show isn't going to get these references._

Mohinder: So um….Matt, if you could keep the spoilers down to a minimum, I've only finished Season Three of the DVD.

Matt stands up, he stares at Niki and Mohinder.

Niki: Uh…..

Matt (on the phone): Nevermind, Chloe…..I found the target. I'm taking them out.

Matt reaches into his coat and pulls out two machine guns. He starts firing aimlessly.

Niki: OH MY GOD! _HOW DID HE GET THOSE!_

RATATATATATATATATATATATATA!

Mohinder: I feel sorry for Tracy's house! She's totally going to hate you for this!

Niki: Hate me? This wasn't my fault! You've been nothing but a hindrance!

Mohinder: Well, maybe I'd be more help if you didn't break my arm and leg over a harmless prank, _you she-beast!_

Niki: That's it! Your wheelchair! Gimme!

Mohinder: No way!

Bullets spray across the counter of the kitchen. A Tupperware bowl falls next to Niki.

Niki: Well, whatever was in here is ruined.

Mohinder: _My vegetable medley!_

Niki: Will you give me the damn wheelchair already!

Mohinder: Fine, do what you must.

Niki dumps Mohinder onto the floor.

Mohinder: Waaaah!

Niki stands up and hurls the wheelchair across the room, hitting Matt.

Niki: Is he dead?

Mohinder (face down on the floor): Couldn't tell you.

Niki: He's…..unconscious! Hooray! Let's get his ass back to the hospital before he changes again. You get the legs!

Mohinder: Kinda disposed at the moment.

The office.

Peter (banging his fists on the table): FOOTBALL! YOU'RE TAKING THE ENTIRE COMPANY TO A FOOTBALL GAME!

Claire: …yes?

Peter: Because I love the idea! I hope there's room for your good ol' Uncle Pete!

Claire: Sure….you can be…..the….Gatorade….bringer….

Peter: Awesome, okay, I'll go get the van.

Claire: When did we get a van?

Back at the hospital.

Niki pokes her head into Matt's room.

Matt: Hey, guys! What's up?

Niki: What's your name?

Matt: ….Matt?

Niki: Okay, good.

Her and Mohinder come in.

Matt: Mohinder, what happened to you?

Niki: Tell him you fell down some stairs.

Matt: Nevermind, I got it. So….what's with the hospital?

Niki: You were fighting that weird guy at Disney World, fell off the catwalk, and spent the entirety of this episode acting like Hiro did during the '_Villains' _arc when he got turned into a 5 year old or something.

Matt: Yeah, Arthur just took his powers, never got how it made him mentally younger.

Niki: Yeah, we're not getting into that. Anyway, so, you feel okay, then?

Matt: Yeah, I feel fine. Just getting ready for the Eclipse.

Niki: The what?

Matt: The Eclipse. Here….I drew this.

Matt shows a picture to Niki.

Niki (nervous): This….this…._this is…..this is a…_a blank sheet of paper! What gives?

Matt: Oh, sorry. Here's the drawing.

Niki: It's…..of an Eclipse. Well, that's pretty self explanatory.

Matt: It's coming, you know…again.

Niki and Mohinder look at each other.

Meanwhile, pushing a car in the middle of nowhere.

Sylar: What's coming again?

Ted: The eclipse! The one that takes away your powers.

Sylar: I am….familiar with its work.

Ted: What are you going to do?

Sylar: Me? What are _you_ going to do? I don't have powers. Or better yet, I can't seem to keep powers for more than 5 minutes.

Ted: Hmm….

Ted stands there and looks back up towards the forming Eclipse.

Sylar: Hey, totally pushing the car by myself here…..just sayin….

_To Be Continued_…


	25. It's Coming, Again!

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.25)**

**Disclaimer: **_**Heroes**_** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

**Author Note**: Sorry again on the delay. Got a lot of stuff going on right now (work, school, working on new story projects) and trying hard to finish these final few chapters of Book 3. Forgive my lack of updates, I haven't given up on the story I'm just trying to squeeze in time to wrap this up so I can start prepping Book 4. Alright, here we go. Enjoy!

Hiro: _Previously on Heroes!_

Daphne (To Peter): These five drawings depict natural disasters that we must stop. The first is a zombie invasion, the second is a tidal wave, the third is a meteor crashing towards Earth, and the fourth is of an animal attack on an amusement park. The fifth is a mystery, which I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.

20 or so chapters later…

Disney Big Wigs: Peter Petrelli, we're signing the company over to you through an elaborate process of transferring property rights that we really don't feel like explaining right now.

Peter: Sweet!

Noah faints.

Peter: I need a new VP. Noah?

Noah: Pass.

At Claire's school.

Peter: Claire?

Claire: Sure, why not?

Earlier…

Claire: I'm the Cheerleading Coach! Nothing can bring me down!

Principal: You're fired.

Claire: Ow, _my feelings!_

At the hospital.

Niki: What's wrong with Matt?

Doctor: He bumped his head…during a fight I presume. There may be adverse side effects.

Quick flashbacks to Matt being 5 years old, Troy Mcclure, Jack Bauer, and Chris Hansen from Dateline's 'To Catch A Predator'.

Mohinder: Don't remind us.

Noah walks up to Nathan's desk.

Noah: We need to get Claire out of here.

Nathan: How do you suppose we do that?

Noah: Meet me up here later tonight. We'll be fine just as long as no other arbitrary plot lines wedge their way in….

Claire: I have no friends! WAAAH!

Principal: Get some people to fill in as football players and we'll start the season back up. Use anybody you want….

Claire: Hmm.

Matt recovers.

Niki and Mohinder: Hooray!

Tracy: What the hell happened to my house!

Niki: Save it for when we're done with the recap.

Matt draws an Eclipse.

Niki: Since when can you draw stuff?

Meanwhile, on the road. Sylar and Ted are driving.

_Chapter Twenty Five…_

Ted:_ 'It's Coming….Again.'_

Sylar (driving, looking down): What is up with this car's speedometer? There aren't any numbers, just the words _'Slow' and 'Fast'_. That's just stupid!

In Disney World, Hiro has a tranquilizer gun. He peers around the corner.

Hiro: Okay, Hiro….stay calm. They're just animals.

Hiro gets on his walkie talkie.

Hiro: Hiro to Daphne….come in, Daphne.

Daphne (on the com): What?

Hiro: I think everything is clear.

Daphne: Yeah, that weird chick was controlling the animals but she got away. So now we have a bunch of animals roaming around the park. We better get them out of here before Disney opens up a zoo.

Hiro: AHHH! A RABID GRIZZLY!

Daphne: Okay, you totally didn't listen to a word I just said.

Hiro: Please! Don't eat me! I'm high in sodium…and I'm not very tender!

Daphne: Okay, Hiro…bye now.

Daphne hangs up.

Ando: What are we going to do now?

Daphne: We clean this place up….now that the fourth disaster….um…kinda resolved itself; we have bigger fish to fry.

Ando: I like fish!

Daphne: -Groan-….Just come with me, I have the portraits back at my place.

At Daphne's, 3 burnt portraits are spread across her living room. The portrait of the animals catches on fire and starts to burn slowly. The fifth portrait, which was blacked out, starts to form an image.

Meanwhile, we cut to Peter, arms crossed, deep in thought. His eyes roll to the left….then to the right…..then to the left….then to the right…..then to the left again….

Peter: I've made my decision!

He bends down and picks up a pack of the Blue Gatorade.

Peter: Claire's trust is well placed. Good thing I took this money out of her purse to pay for this!

Meanwhile, Matt Parkman is back at home, in bed. He sits up and his looking around.

Matt: Where is it?

Matt shuffles through the covers, he gives up.

Matt: NIIIIIIIKIIIIII!

Niki: WHAT!

Matt: Do you know where my bell is so I can summon you?

Niki storms in.

Matt: I can't find it.

Niki: _I have a feeling where it's going to end up_.

Matt: Ah! Here it is!

DINGALINGALINGALINGALING!

Niki: What…..(takes a deep breath)…..do you want?

Matt: I just wanted to say thanks for being a pal and taking care of me…..

Niki: I'm only doing it because we don't have health insurance and we've been banned from the hospital….oddly enough most of the main cast is…

Matt: And thanks for my sandwich.

Niki: I didn't bring you a sandwich.

Matt: I was thanking you in advance…..so…about that sandwich.

Niki: Make it yourself, you walking bedsore!

Mohinder rushes in.

Mohinder: We have a problem!

Niki: I've been telling you this for years….but….(motions towards Matt).

Mohinder: Close. It's the picture he drew. Of the _you-know-what._

Niki: I know what….what?

Mohinder: The Eclipse!

Matt: Not my best work.

Niki: What about it?

Mohinder: Do you remember the last time we had an eclipse? Not the first time when we realized we had powers but they ended up being hereditary, the second time….when we _lost_ them.

Niki and Matt look at each other and laugh.

Matt: Oh Mohinder, my good man. You must be confused….you….kinda don't have powers.

Niki: Hehehe…..which is good because when you DID have powers that one time, it wasn't good for anyone….

=Flashback=

In the apartment, Mohinder, Matt, and Niki are in partially formed cocoons on the wall.

Niki: So….what is this again?

Mohinder: I beg your pardon?

Niki: This….power of yours.

Mohinder: Well….I have enhanced strength, stamina, and whatnot. I also secrete a weird substance that lets me form cocoons and climb walls.

Niki: Gross.

Matt: Do you think we'll become butterflies from this?

Mohinder: No.

Matt: Because that would be cool.

Mohinder: No…it wouldn't.

Matt: Kinda reminds me of a song…

Niki: Don't!

Matt: ….(singing)…._Butterfly in the skyyyy_….

Niki: Matt!

Matt: …_I can go twice as hiiiigh_…

Niki: Parkman!

Matt: _Take a look, it's in a book. A READING RAINBOW!_

Niki: I swear…I am going to beat the living crap out of you when we get out of these things.

Mohinder: But something seems off….this Eclipse seems…..different.

Niki and Matt have already left the room.

Mohinder: I hate those two sometimes.

Back at Daphne's, her and Ando enter. Hiro is waiting there.

Daphne: Hiro?

Hiro: You two left me at Disney World!

Daphne: Oh….uh….I was going to come back and….oh forget it, yeah, totally forgot about you.

Ando: How did you even know we were coming here?

Hiro: I was so alone!

Daphne: That's nice, move it!

She shoves him out of the way.

Daphne picks up the final portrait, the image has become clear.

Daphne: What the?

The image shows _downtown New York, people flying through the air. Different people on the ground shooting fire and lightning at each other, a man holding a bus over his head, the Eclipse in the background_.

Daphne looks at Hiro and Ando.

Daphne: Uh oh.

**= = = HEROES = = =**

Claire blows her whistle. _PFFFFFFFFFFFFF!_

Claire: Okay, team! Let's do this!

Noah, Nathan, Elle and The Haitian are suited up in football uniforms, sitting in the middle of the field.

Nathan: This…is….ridiculous!

Noah: A day in the life at The Company.

Claire: Any questions?

Elle (raising her hand): Is there going to be snacks?

Claire: Any _good_ questions?

Elle: Hey, that was a good question!

Noah: Yes, Claire Bear?

Claire: Bennet, on the field you refer to me as _Captain Claire Bear_.

Noah (eye roll): Ugh…what is the meaning of this?

Claire: I told you, it turns out that I have no friends. The only way I can make friends is through my cheerleading class. The only was there can be cheerleading class is to have a football game. The only way to have the football game is to have players. We don't have players; this is where _you _come in.

Noah: Uh…huh.

Elle: Can I sit this out?…I can't play football. I have a note from my doctor.

Noah: We left straight from work to the football field, how the hell do you have a doctor's note?

Elle: It's called '_The Internet'_.

Claire (looking at the note): Your doctor's name is _Doctor WebMD?_

Elle: He's one of the most respected doctors on the board.

Claire: Aaaand, this is your handwriting. You're playing!

Elle: You can't! I….I never told anyone this….but I have…..

Elle whispers in Claire's ear.

Elle: _I have 'Bird Bone Disease'_.

Claire: …..WHAT?

Elle: It's a real thing….and I have it. The slightest breeze can make me shatter like a ton of bricks.

Claire: Bricks don't shatter you dimwit! Now, _PLAY BALL!_...oh wait, that's baseball….nah, it can still apply here.

Claire throws the football, it pelts Elle in the leg.

Elle: _Ow, my bird bones!_

Meanwhile, in Disney World!

Sylar: Um…

Ted: Man, when did Disney World get so animal friendly?

Sylar: There are animals everywhere!

Elsewhere,

Ando: We DID take care of those animals, right?

Daphne: I thought you called animal control.

Ando: No.

Daphne: Ah, screw it.

Sylar (to a clerk): We'd like to go on the Tower of Terror, please.

Clerk: We can't. All the rides are shut down due to the animal flood.

Ted: That just sounds disturbing.

Sylar: Dammit! I drove all this way and I want to ride the Tower of Terror! Now let me on or I will fill your life with endless misery and woe!

Clerk: I do double time here, when I leave this ride I have to clean up this mess. _You know what mess I'm talking about_.

Ted: The _actual animal flood_….yup, still gross.

Sylar: Hmm…guess I can't do any worse to you then. Well….I'm still not happy!

In the car.

Sylar: Do you see how unhappy I am?

Ted: Oh damn, I forgot to get a frozen lemonade.

Sylar: Disney hasn't heard the last of me.

Ted: Pretty sure they did.

Sylar: When I get my powers back….._Disney will get a taste of my vengeance_.

Ted: Well, good luck with that.

Mohinder is writing down some formulas on the chalkboard.

Niki: Where the hell did this giant chalk board come from?

Mohinder: Oh no….it is just as I had feared.

Niki: That you wasted your money on this eye sore when you could have bought a dry erase board from Wal-Mart for like, 10 bucks?

Mohinder turns around and dramatically takes off his glasses.

Niki: You know those don't have lenses in them, right?

Mohinder: It's _a Solar Eclipse_.

Niki: Oh….okay, we kinda knew that.

Mohinder: No, Niki! It is NOT okay. The first solar eclipse came, everyone's powers were granted.

Niki: Not really, we kinda had powers before that but whatever.

Mohinder: The second one came; all our powers got taken away.

Niki: I…kinda wasn't around for that.

Mohinder: This eclipse….The Third Eclipse. It swaps…everything.

Matt: NIIIIIKIII!

Niki: Oh my god, Matt I will cram that bell down your throat! What do you want?

Matt: I'm choking on my bell….grrrk!

Niki: Well, then we're all happy.

She turns back to Mohinder.

Niki: What do you mean, it swaps everything?

Mohinder: Everybody on Earth. People who don't have powers _GET _powers, and people with powers lose them.

Niki: This is terrible!

Mohinder: I know, right?

Niki: That means that _you're going to be the only one with powers_. That sucks!

Mohinder: I…was kinda thinking about the destruction of the world, but whatever.

Claire: HUSTLE! HUSTLE! HUSTLE!

Claire and Peter open their Gatorade bottles and clang them together.

Claire and Peter: Cheers!

Noah: Why doesn't he have to run?

Claire: He's my boss.

Peter: That and I have really bad _corns_. Seriously, my whole foot is one giant blister.

Noah: Ew.

Back at Tracy's.

Mohinder: I've gathered you all here today to talk about the forthcoming eclipse.

Matt, Niki and Tracy are sitting in front of him. Next to Tracy is a picture of the rest of the Heroes at the Christmas Party.

Niki: You seriously couldn't get a hold of anybody?

Tracy: Are we ever going to talk about how you guys destroyed my house?

Niki: We were kinda hoping you wouldn't be home from work yet.

Tracy: Yeah, my work is doing some stupid football game. And….I'm….just…no.

Mohinder: This third Solar Eclipse will strike tomorrow at Noon and last for _five hours_. During this time anybody on Earth who doesn't have abilities will have them, and vice versa.

Tracy: There are billions of people who don't have abilities. There aren't enough different powers for each person.

Niki: Oh no, there will be duplicates, we done it before.

Tracy: Hmm.

Mohinder: All I can suggest is that we stay enclosed as much as possible and away from people.

Niki: I…don't think that will work, really.

Matt clears his throat; Niki slugs him in the shoulder.

Matt: OWW! What did you do that for?

Niki: You just bug me.

Matt: That really hurt. You shouldn't hit me; don't you know I have _Bird Bone Disease_?

Niki: Not a real thing.

Football Field.

Elle: …Yes it is! I'm not playing anymore.

Claire: Uh, you kinda have to. I'm your boss.

Elle: Ugh, you're just going to quit the second your stupid Cheerleading thing starts.

Claire: Your point?

Nathan is running, he catches up to Noah.

Nathan: We've been running for hours! She knows we haven't practiced any actual football, does she?

Noah: Don't worry, I have it all under control. I had to play….._My Donald Trump Card_.

Nathan: What the hell is that!

Noah: It…involves a little under the table stuff.

Nathan: Like.

Noah: Breaking and entering, forged documents, stuff like that.

Nathan: I don't understand.

Noah: I had someone pull the company rug out from under Peter and Claire.

Nathan: Wow….that's….kinda rough. Even for you.

Noah: Nathan, we work at a business. A business that does business-ey things. We have more important things to do than play football and watch my daughter and your brother drink Gatorade and not _offer us one drop!_

Nathan: So….this is about the Gatorade?

Noah: NO! This is about Claire!

Nathan: I'm so confused.

Noah: Though, it wasn't the best move. I couldn't let Claire let this job get in the way of….whatever it is she usually does. I'm doing my fatherly duty.

Nathan: So, somebody else owns The Company.

Noah: Yes, our new boss is right over there.

Nathan shields his eyes from the sun as he looks over on the bleachers to see…

Nathan: Oh, good lord….

.._Angela Petrelli_, with umbrella in hand. Nathan plops down next to her.

Nathan: And just where the _hell _have you been!

Angela: Don't talk to you mother like that!

Nathan: What is going on here?

Angela: I have a ton of investments into The Company, and I cannot have Peter squander it away. So, I'm taking the control.

Nathan: Wow, pulling a fast one on your golden child? That's pretty bold, _even for you._ So this is this what Bennet's _Donald Trump card is_.

Angela: Yes, and as my first act as the new manager is _90 percent layoffs!_ Toodles!

She gets up.

Nathan: HEY! Wait a damn minute. _We're fired?_

Angela: Yes, that's why Noah called it the _Donald Trump Card_. Because he does that on his show….or something. I didn't think it was funny either.

Nathan: But what about me, and Tracy, and The Haitian!

Angela: And Elle?

Nathan: Yeah, whatever.

Angela: Enjoy the indefinite weekend!

Nathan: You never answered my question! Where have you been?

Angela: Hmm? Oh, me and _Samson _had a secret wedding in the Bahamas.

Nathan: You went ahead and married Sylar's dad?

Angela: I have a good feeling about him. He's trying to take control of an oil tycoon for which I'll then divorce him and take half his money. Which would be great for the company, that's why I'm such a good manager.

Nathan: You're freaking nuts!

Noah manages to find a cup and fill it up with water. Nathan slaps him in the back of the head, making Noah drop the cup.

Noah: What the hell?

Nathan: You boob! You just got all of us fired!

Elle (off in the distance, stretching): What did he just say?

Noah: It had to be done. Claire's well being comes first.

Claire: Boob!

Claire and Peter storm up.

Claire: Angela just posted on _Twitter_ that she's taking over The Company and firing everyone (to Noah), except _you._

Noah: What the hell is a _Twitter?_

Peter: I didn't even get to host the company pot luck! I had some really good recipes too.

Nathan: Blame captain wonderful, here.

Peter: Where has mom been anyway?

Nathan: Oh, she ran off and married Sylar's dad. You know, the one _that half a season ago we flew to that stupid island to go to their wedding!_

Noah: Actually it was Peter and Caitlin's wedding. Your mother just tried to steal Peter's thunder.

Nathan: That's right.

Peter: I think I remember that. Matt did a very good job with the decorations.

Claire: …He did, didn't he?

Peter: Man, those finger sandwiches were amazing.

Claire: There wasn't any sandwiches.

Peter: There wasn't? Well, I thought he did a horrible job anyway.

Claire: Well, now that we don't work at The Company anymore, I lose all my chances of getting friends!

Noah: Claire, your birthday is right around the corner. We'll buy you some new friends.

Claire: I can handle that. However, the new takeover doesn't happen until midnight. So, in the meantime, _we have a football game to play_.

The next day at _Noon_, on the football field.

Claire: GO TEAM!

Football Player: Ten, Fourty Two…..Ten, Fourty Two…HUT!

Elle: We're ready for some football! YEAH!…..…..oh crap! _We don't know how to play! AHHH!_

Noah: Run!

Elle, The Haitian, Noah and Nathan take off running the other direction.

Claire: WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS GOING!

Elle: We're getting fired anyway! Laters!

Claire: DAMMIT!

Peter is sitting in the bleachers. Angela plops down next to him.

Angela: Hello, Peter.

Peter: Mother.

Angela: Oh don't look so sour. You're not destined to lead the company. You, Peter, are meant for great things. Those great things being wherever I put you.

Peter: Feh!

Angela: I decided that you quit your calling too soon. You remember how you used to be a Nurse?

Peter: I guess.

Angela: Well, your back into the field of Nursing! I have for you a very important client.

Peter: Really?

Angela: You'll be helping people again. Because there are so many problems with the world today.

The guy sitting next to Angela is pointing at the sky.

Guy: Hey, look! It's an _Eclipse!_

The guy immediately flies upward out of his seat and into the sky.

Guy: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! I'M FLYING! AAAAHHHH!

Angela slowly gets up and turns around, another man is rubbing his fingers together, producing _electricity._

Random Girl: Wow! I just realized I have a photographic memory!

Claire and Nathan run up.

Nathan: Did you guys see that?

Claire: We have a problem! I just cut myself and it's not healing! IT'S NOT HEALING!

Angela: Claire! Calm down!

Angela slaps Nathan.

Nathan: OW! What the hell, ma!

Angela: Okay, this is a problem. But, we'll deal with it later. You, Peter, have bigger things to do. So go meet your new client.

Nathan: Uh, Hello? This isn't a problem now? (To Claire) How is this not a problem?

Claire: I'm catching every disease in the book as we speak.

Back at Tracy's.

Niki opens Matt's door.

Niki: Oh, _what the hell is this?_

Matt lowers the comic book he is reading. _Peter, fully dressed in Nurse's scrubs, is rubbing his feet._

Peter: It's Two O'Clock, _Mr. Parkman_.

Matt: _Sponge Bath Time!_

Niki: GROSS!

Niki slams the door shut.

Niki: Mohinder! Did you know that Peter is Matt's live in _Nurse_? What the hell is wrong with these people?

Mohinder's head is down on his desk.

Niki: Mohinder?

Mohinder: It happened. The Eclipse.

Niki: Uh…..

Mohinder: Your powers are gone…..or are they?

Niki: Oh, the whole _Jessica _thing? Well, um….I don't know.

Mohinder: I have powers.

Niki: OOH! Do they suck?

Mohinder: Give me the name of a person or business.

Niki: What?

Mohinder: Just name a person or business.

Niki: Um….._Uncle Tony's Pizza on Main Street?_

Mohinder: _555-3434_

Niki: …..

Mohinder: Do another one.

Niki: …_Pierce Brosnan._

Mohinder: _555-3801_

Niki: Are you…..Are you a…._human telephone book?_

Mohinder: Yes.

Niki: That's a…_really stupid power_.

Mohinder: It is.

Niki: But it's very convenient. I mean, the power to know the phone number to everybody in the world is pretty amazing. I mean _you could put the internet out of business!_

Mohinder: You think so?

Niki: Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Now, order a pizza. We'll celebrate!

Mohinder: Sure, have you seen the phone?

Niki: You…._you can't….'make' calls_. You know….using your mind?

Mohinder: No…..

Niki: Oh. Yeah, _you got robbed._

Mohinder: Hmph!

Hiro and Ando are on a train, heading into the city.

Hiro: I can't believe I lost my powers again right when I got them working again, sort of.

Ando: Okay, Daphne just texted me.

Hiro: Why is she texting you?

Ando: Because we're friends!

Hiro: I'm her friend too!

Ando: Well, we're together, that would be stupid to text _both of us_. Oh, forget it.

_Daphne's Text: I know what the picture means. You two need to get back here asap!_

A man hops up from his seat.

Man: This is a stick up! I want everybody to give me their money, now!

_Daphne's Text: We're losing our powers, and other people are gaining them_. _Just saw a guy at the store who could melt things, it was weird!_

A guy tries to tackle the robber. He holds out his hand and sends the man flying across the train car. People start screaming.

Man: What the hell is this?

The train starts to shake violently.

Hiro: Okay, teleporting or time freezing could come in handy right about now.

The train tips over off of the track and continues to roll, Hiro and Ando get thrown to the roof of the car, then back to the ground.

Hiro: How about now?

Back at Angela's mansion, she bursts through her door and heads into the study. She gets on the phone and dials a number.

Angela (on the phone): Hello?...

Voice: Hey, how are things going?

Angela: Not good. How is everything on your end?

Voice: They could be better.

Angela: Did you lose your powers?

Voice: I did.

Angela: Well, to be frank you never had any to begin with.

Voice: I do to!

Angela: Well, you did but it wasn't anything special.

Voice: Hmph. And yours?

Angela: Yes, I lost mine. With the way things are going now I had no choice but to take over The Company…..

Sylar and Ted go into Sylar's place.

Sylar: Well, this is the place I'm living at now.

Ted: What a dump!

Sylar: HEY! I don't see the point of cleaning cause I'm constantly on the road.

Ted: Doing what?

Sylar: That's not important.

Sylar goes into his kitchen to see _Samson _at the table.

Sylar: Oh, god! What are _you doing here?_

Samson: I thought I would come see my son, now that the woman of my dreams has left me in the dirt.

Sylar: I don't care. Get out, creeper!

Samson: She left me, and took all my money.

Ted (looking at his phone): According to _Twitter, _you got married to Angela Petrelli. Congratulations!...But seriously, I don't mean that, that lady is a total nutcase.

Sylar: I thought that wedding got cancelled.

Samson: We ended up marrying secretly in the Bahamas. Then I become the owner of an oil tycoon and she took almost everything.

Ted: Ooh, should've signed that prenup, _girlfriend_.

Sylar: Shut up.

Samson: But, as my son, you will avenge your father.

Sylar: No I won't.

Samson: Oh, I think you'll want to. Especially with the information that I have.

Sylar: Information?

Samson: What if I told you that you'll have new powers within _a matter of minutes_?

Sylar: I….would like that.

Samson: Wouldn't you want to use that power toward bad people like Angela Petrelli?

Sylar: ….maybe.

Samson: Then go! Go explore your new power.

Sylar: YES!

Sylar storms out of the building. Ted sits across from Samson.

Ted: ….Wanna talk about it, Champ?

Angela is still on the phone.

Angela: We had it wrong the entire time. The zombie invasion happened due to that Caitlin woman getting stuck in the apocalyptic future by Peter. Finding this out, he rescues her and they end up getting married which led us to that stupid Bongo Island place and the Tidal Wave disaster. Hiro altering the phase of the moon and stopping the Tidal Wave put us in the path of the oncoming asteroid that Peter, Claire and Nathan took care of which won them trips to Disney World where there was an animal attack led on by a woman working with a man, both former employees at _Pinehearst_, who had a grudge against Matt Parkman for some reason I really don't care about.

Voice: And the fifth portrait? The one that was blacked out?

Angela (scoffs): That wasn't the fifth portrait. Those were only four…_out of two hundred._

Voice: Two hundred?

Angela: Peter draws up a few new ones each night he is asleep, and I have people break in and take them before he wakes the following morning. Each one a different disaster that forms when the previous one gets resolved; one by one. The mystery portrait is what happens when we give in. It's a message: To stop preventing the attacks and let his prophecy be fulfilled.

Voice: Whose?

Angela: Who else?..._My husband's_. The man who wanted the world to have powers.

Samson (on the phone): Did you forget that I'm your husband now?

Angela: Not you, my ex-husband. Who is supposed to be dead but…well…isn't.

Samson: I see.

Angela: He wants a war, and we'll give it to him. We just need to start with the only man within our circle that has power now.

Samson: …._Suresh?_

Angela: Oh, god, no…his power is terrible. I heard he's a human telephone book!

Samson: That's not a very good power. I mean convenient, but not actually useful in battle.

Angela: No, I'm referring to your son.

Samson looks out the window to see Sylar and Ted walking up.

Samson: Looks like he just showed up.

(Overheard)

Sylar: Well, this is the place I'm living at now.

Ted: What a dump!

Angela: Butter him up, tell him he's getting a power soon, which he will be. Then send him my way. _The Company will be waiting for him._

_-Click-_

_To Be Continued_.


	26. Solar

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.26)**

**Disclaimer: ****_Heroes_**** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

**Author Note**: Sorry for the delay (again, I know, I'm terrible at getting these things out on time). This was originally going to be the final chapter but the ending was rushed a bit and there was a lot of things that were left out of the final draft so I'm switching around some things and making the final part of the Volume into a 3 parter. Enjoy!

Noah: _Previously on…The Barefoot Contessa?_

Matt walks into the kitchen wearing a black wig.

Matt: Hello, viewers! _Ina Garten_ here; cooking delicious meals for all my wonderful friends.

Niki: Help! He's tied us to these chairs and won't let us leave! I've had to pee for like an hour!

Mohinder: These handcuffs are starting to break my skin.

Matt: First up is my delectable Tuna Tar Tar with a blueberry hollandaise sauce. Nothing says good friendship like good food. EAT!

Niki: This tastes like crap. (Spit!)

Matt (fists shaking): YOU'RE GOING TO EAT IT AND LIKE IT!

Matt hears the sound of glass clanging in the kitchen. He rushes in there to find bottles of alcohol everywhere.

Matt: _Where the hell did all this booze come from!_

Peter (in a blonde wig): COCKTAIL TIME!

Matt: WHAT!

Peter (flipping his wig): Sandra Lee here; and we're about to make some semi-homemade meals!

Matt: Like hell you are! Get out of my kitchen!

Peter: Sorry Ina, it's my show now.

Matt: That's it! _When Jeffrey gets home I'm going to have him kick you in the shins!_

Elle (in a brunette wig): Did somebody say '_30 minute meals?'_

Matt and Peter: NO!

Elle: You guys are jerks.

Matt (to Peter): Prepare to die! For I shall switch to my final form.

Matt switches wigs.

Matt: For I am now _Paula Deen, yall_!

Matt takes a bite out of a stick of butter….then throws up.

Matt: HORF! Ugh…..gross…..

Peter: En Guarde!

Matt and Peter start going to each other's throats. They cross the dining room.

Mohinder: Don't we have a show to do?

Niki: I guess…

Noah: Are you morons done? _Previously on Heroes…_

Claire: I have no friends!

On the football field.

Claire: Now that the football game is back on, so is the cheerleading program. Which means I have a job again.

All the laid off Company Employees who were subbing as football players.

Elle: Oh crap! We don't know how to play!

Nathan: Run for it!

But earlier…

Noah: Everybody from the company is getting fired….except for me.

Elle: WEAK!

But Sylar and Ted were….

Ted: Talking to Sylar's estranged father!

Samson: You have a power due to this eclipse and I know where you need to go now.

But earlier…

Angela (On the phone with Samson): Sylar will come to you. Send him my way. He's the only one who can help us.

And Matt was…

Matt: Recovering from an accident from the anti-climactic showdown at Disney World! Followed by some identity issues.

But not before long Peter….

Peter: Just got fired from the Company. Now I'm your nurse!

Matt: You'll never take me alive, Sandra Lee!

Peter: Dude, no, that….we're done with that. It's the show now.

Matt: Oh…..Yay, Peter's my nurse!

Mohinder: I too have obtained an ability!

Niki: Is it awesome or what?

Mohinder: I'm a human phone book….

Niki: Wow! What a stupid power!

Elsewhere…

Daphne (on the phone with Ando): People who don't have powers are getting them, and people who do have them are going to lose them. But only during the next few hours of the eclipse. Good thing none of us have regenerative capabilities where in the event of a 'power' outage could totally not be good for someone without an immune system. But luckily nobody on the main cast has that kind of handicap.

Claire: GURK! (collapse)

Hiro and Ando are on a train, a civilian uses telekinetic energy to derail the car.

-

Noah walks into the living room; Claire is in a plastic bubble.

Claire: Isn't this just a little ridiculous?

Sandra: Not for our little girl who is having a bad case of the '_I lost my regenerating body parts' _syndrome.

Claire: Can I at least get a magazine to read?

Sandra: I'm afraid not, dear. We're also trying to find a way to get actual food in there since we can't open your bubble in the event you might get contaminated. All we could come up with is this small tube big enough for M&M's. Oh! That reminds me, it's time for your feeding!

Sandra opens the tube and pours the bag of M&M's into Claire's bubble.

Sandra: Now you better finish your dinner or you don't get any dessert….which is more M&M's. (Shakes the bag)

Claire: This sucks. Can I at least get some Skittles or something?

Sandra: Claire, you eat your meal at once! There are starving children in Ethiopia who don't even get M&M's!

Claire: UGH!

Sylar wakes up; he is strapped to a table.

Sylar: How the hell did I get here? I was just talking to that old coot of a father of mine.

Angela: Hello Gabriel.

Sylar: Oh, lord, not this again.

Angela: You are capable of great things, Gabriel. For you are….

Sylar: I'm not your son.

Angela: Hm? Oh, right….well, you have a power now thanks to the power swapping Eclipse. So, I'm going to send someone in here for you to feed on.

Sylar: What's my power?

Angela: I don't know that, yet!

An intern walks into the room.

Intern: It's my first day.

Sylar: I don't have my 'usual power' so I won't be doing any feeding….and stop calling it that, it's weird. Anyway, I'm just going to kill him.

Angela (walking out the door): Call it whatever you want! BYE!

Door slams, writing on the surface reads:

_Chapter Twenty Six 'Eclipse Part One: Solar'_

Back at Tracy's, Niki is watching tv.

-On Tv-

Narrator: In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as chefs at a five star restaurant. If you're hungry, have no ideas on what to bring to the company pot luck, or if it's your son's bar mitzvah. If no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The Filet Team!

B.A Baracus: I pity the foo who don't like my chicken risotto!

Hannibal: I love it when a _flan _comes together.

Niki: UGH! AWFUL!

Niki shuts the tv off and tosses the remote. Peter is rubbing Matt's feet next to her.

Niki: And what the hell is this?

Matt: It's my corns…they're causing me great woe.

Niki: Gross. Peter, I hope you're getting paid a lot for putting yourself through this. You couldn't pay me to touch Matt's nasty feet.

Peter looks blankly off in the distance.

Niki: You don't know if you're getting paid, do you?

Peter: I have to make a call.

Niki: You do that.

Matt rotates his body, propping his feet in Niki's lap.

Matt: You're more than welcome to take over.

Niki: And he was peg legged ever since….the end.

-SNAP-

Matt: YEAAAAOWWWCH!

Meanwhile, Hiro and Ando crawl out of the train that is now upside down.

Hiro: Ugh…what happened?

Ando: I think _that's what happened?_

Hiro, after noticing he was wearing his glasses upside down, flips them over to see a man walking away, flinging his hands, making random people and cars fly everywhere.

Hiro: We're going to have problems explaining this one.

Back at Tracy's, Mohinder storms in.

Mohinder: It's just like I feared. Everybody in the city is getting powers.

Niki: We know Mohinder, and yours just happens to be the worst one.

Mohinder: This is bad…especially for someone like Claire! I have to go visit her at once.

Mohinder grabs his briefcase and starts packing.

Niki: What are you going to do?

Mohinder: I am a doctor, Niki. I must do anything I can.

Niki looks over.

Niki: That suitcase is filled with _post-it-notes!_

Mohinder: Yes, I must do research! It's the only way to save her. I'll be back in a few days.

Mohinder stops to see both of Matt's broken feet propped up on the table.

Matt: She broke my foots.

Mohinder: Niki….Anger Management…..Try it sometime.

Niki: I _AM _in anger management! My teacher told me to direct my anger towards a source that's not pissing me off all the time.

Flashback to last week.

Niki is busy at the sewing machine. She takes off her glasses.

Niki: Finished!

She holds up a _Matt Parkman plush doll_.

Niki: Perfect….

Niki starts wailing on it.

Niki: TAKE THAT! (PUNCH!) AND THAT! (PUNCH!)

Present Day.

Niki: I misplaced my doll….so….

Matt: Actually, I have it. (He holds it up). It's soooo cute!

Niki: GRR!

Mohinder: Well, you two have fun now.

Peter walks back in.

Peter: She's not paying me.

Matt: Oooh, that sucks. Say, since you're back on the clock, can you snap my feet back into place?

Peter: Not this time…

Matt: ….

Niki: …..

Peter: Matthew, can I see you in the restroom for a moment.

Niki: UH….why?

Peter: Just for a minute.

Matt: Sure….

Matt hops up.

Matt: Oh, my feet aren't broken, just sprained. Okay, let's go Pete!

They walk into the bathroom.

Niki: …

CLANG! BASH! CRASH! SLAM! CRASH!

Niki: Oh my god!...I'm missing _Hoarders!_

She turns the tv back on.

_Narrator: You're watching A&E, from the channel that brings you 'Intervention'….it's 'Hoarders!'_

Woman: My mother…she has a hoarding problem.

Pauline: My name's Pauline…._and I like to hoard people with drug abuse problems_.

The camera crew walk inside and see people stacked up to the ceiling.

Host: Oh my!

Niki (giddy): Oh, _this is gonna be a good one_.

Peter: Nicole, can you see me in the bathroom?

Niki: _Who the hell calls me 'Nicole'!_. No, I don't feel like getting up.

Peter: But Matthew has fallen, I need you to make sure his fingers don't get smashed in the toilet seat.

Niki: Well, I'm sold.

Niki runs into the bathroom, Matt is sitting on the ground.

Niki: What's this? I was going to smash your fingers…

The door slams behind her and locks.

Niki: What…what just?...

Peter locks the door and props up a chair. Niki is banging on the door.

Niki: Peter! Let us out!

Peter: She used me….for reasons that were not only vague, but unclear and difficult to understand.

Niki: Your mother tricked you! _Punish her, dammit!_

Peter: I have to go visit mother.

Peter walks off.

Niki: _Well, Angela's dead!_ (She looks at Matt) And why are you just sitting there? What was all that racket? Did he beat you up or something?

Matt: No, I slipped on the floor mat and fell.

Niki: Hmph.

Matt: Well, we're stuck in here….so…here's the thing…..Do you mind….if I….._go?_

Niki: YES I MIND!

Matt: Awww…..

Meanwhile, in a dark room somewhere, Nathan walks in. He makes his way toward the light and flicks it on. Elle, The Haitian, and Tracy are sitting there.

Nathan: AHH! Were all of you just sitting in the dark?

Elle: We're very mysterious.

Nathan: Okay, we're calling together our little rebel group. We were fired from The Company.

Tracy: Even me! I can't believe it. I thought I was doing so well.

Nathan: Well, you weren't. Noah and Angela…

Elle: Nathan's mother.

Nathan: We kinda already knew that, but thanks anyway, Elle.

Elle: No prob, Chief!

Nathan: Noah and Angela have gone mad with power. Our mission, one I stayed up all night thinking about. Is to start our own paper company, and put _The Company_, out of business.

Elle: Two things wrong with that, sir, yes, sir!

Nathan: What?

Elle: First off sir, they did that on _The Office, _sir!

Nathan: I am aware of that and it actually worked, though I couldn't remember what season it happened in so I had to start watching the DVD's from episode 1 which is why I was up all night. But anyway, that's what I'm basing this entire operation off of.

Elle: Second thing, sir!..._You do know that it's not an actual paper company, it's just a front for doing suspicious things to people with powers_.

Nathan: …..Then we'll do that.

Tracy: You want to run an operation that kidnaps people with abilities and do studies on them? Kinda hypocritical, don't you think? _Seeing as how we all have powers_.

Nathan: No, it'll be perfect. The fact that we DO have powers will enable us to secure common ground with other people. They can join us….and together, we'll take down The Company once and for all!

Elle: Ugh, we just got through taking down The Company when it was owned by Disney, I want a break!

Nathan: No breaks! We start this new group, we shall be called….

Elle: AHEM! I'll take this one, Chief!

Nathan: Oh, no you won't! You'll name us something stupid!

Elle: It's in my contract. Get over it.

Nathan: Ugh, fine. Just a small request, we already had the _Company Deux_, so don't continue the tradition with _The Company Thrice, or Three Company's Too _or something equally stupid.

Elle: Don't worry, I've got the perfect name. I came up with it ever since my first day at work in the event something like this happened.

Nathan: That's….weird.

Elle: Attention Ex-Company Employees! We are strong! We will fight! We are warriors! That is why I have come up with a name that will not only inject fear into the hearts of our enemies. But also into the hearts of the enemies who don't even _know _that they're our enemies yet.

Nathan: Uh….

Elle: That's why from this day forward we'll be known as _The First Wives Club_.

Nathan: Oh my god, _are you freaking kidding me?_

Elle: Well, I lied about holding that name since I started working here. I wanted to use it but couldn't remember the name of the movie, so I stayed up all last night watching my entire DVD collection. _You're not the only one who doesn't have anything better to do with their free time._

Haitian: Why did you have to _watch _every movie?

Tracy: Yeah, couldn't you just _look_ at the cover?

Elle: Yeah, I like movies.

Nathan: Hmph!

Back at The Bennets, Claire is trying to go downstairs in her bubble.

Claire: Okay, Claire, you got this. You so got this.

Lyle: Hey, move it, Humpty Dumpty.

Claire: Shut up, Lyle! I'd kill you if it weren't for this bubble.

Lyle: But, you can't…..so, mind if I give you a little push? You're blocking the stairs.

Claire: AHH! Stop it, Lyle! I'm going to roll down, you jerk!

Lyle: Well, it's actually kind of a game I made up. _In case you were wondering why there are bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs_.

Claire: That's it!

Claire pushes out her hands, stretching her bubble, around Lyle's neck.

Lyle: grrrk! Mom, Claire's trying to strangle me!

Claire: Lyle's trying to pop my decontamination bubble!

Sandra: You kids play nice!

POP!

Lyle: …..

Claire: …

Lyle: _Smooth move, ex lax_.

Claire: Mom's gonna kill you.

Sandra: AHHHH! Claire, your bubble! That's okay; I know exactly what to do in this kind of situation.

Later, Lyle walks into the barn to find Claire in a decontaminated cage.

Lyle: _When did we get a barn?_

Claire: You're not going to ask the obvious question, _why am I in an oversized hamster cage?_

Lyle: No, I stand by my first question. Was this barn always here?

Claire: I mean, seriously? I could have dealt with _just the cage_. But the wheel, that's just insulting. (Changing her voice to high pitched) '_It's for your health, Claire-Bear!'_

Lyle: Was _that _supposed to be mom just now?

Claire: It was Muggles….as done by…well, you know mom.

Lyle: Yeah, that was pretty dead on.

Niki pounds on the door.

Niki: Peter, if you're out there, open this damn door! I promise I won't break all your bones.

Matt: She's lying!

Niki: You're not helping.

Matt: Oh, I'm so hungry….we're going to starve down here.

Niki: _We're not in a well, Parkman_; we're just trapped in the bathroom. And we've only been in here for 10 minutes, so calm down.

Matt: Niki, look!

Matt takes the vent off the wall.

Matt: I can crawl through this vent and get help.

Matt starts to crawl in.

Niki: Matt, wait!

Niki stops as Matt looks at her. She thinks for a second as she brainstorms two possible scenarios:

-Niki's Head-

A cartoon is shown as an animated Niki climbs into the vent and out of the apartment. The word 'Success!' drops down as she jumps for joy while being covered with balloons and confetti.

-OR-

A cartoon Matt climbs in and gets stuck, he squirms around trying to get free…

Niki: Well, _of course I'm going to go with the second one._ Okay, Matt, you're good to…

Matt is already stuck in the vent.

Niki: Dammit, Matt! You…oh, wait….okay, we're good.

Angela opens the door to find Sylar and The Intern talking.

Angela: What in the steaming hell is this!

Sylar: We're….talking…?

Angela: You're supposed to take his power!

Sylar: Uh…huh….and what power was that again?

Angela: I don't know. Just get it and be done with it. I need you…

Sylar: For what?

Angela: Listen, Gabriel. There is a war coming between me and a very, very bad man. And it is up to you to stop it.

Sylar: Why? I'm a villain again.

Angela: No, you're not.

Sylar: Yes, I am.

Angela: No, you're not.

Sylar: Yes, I am.

Angela: NO! YOU'RE NOT!

Sylar: Yes, I am! Stop telling me I'm not.

Angela: Hmph!

Angela walks out, joining Ted who is watching the scene from the window.

Ted: Wanna talk about it, champ?

Angela: Sylar is holding out on me. But so is that intern, he must give Sylar his power before the eclipse ends.

Ted: Then the intern will lose his power.

Angela: Right.

Ted: And Sylar loses his power.

Angela: Right.

Ted: And any powers he happens to obtain from interns.

Angela: Ri…(Stop)

Angela looks at Ted.

Angela: Oh, shut up.

Ted: What?

Angela storms back inside and grabs the intern.

Angela: What is your power? I have learned that you have an ability and I must know what it is.

Intern: Absolutely! I know _magic!_

Ted: This should be good.

Angela: Well, show us!

Later….The Intern is sitting at a table with cards in front of him.

Angela: What is this?

Intern: It's called _Magic: The Gathering!_

Angela: What!

Intern: You see, these cards are called _Land Cards_, you turn them sideways, called '_Tapping'_ to tap '_Mana'_ to cast spells. Oooh! I just summoned a Goblin Warlord! Be careful, Mrs. Petrelli. It's probably going to _eat your face off!_

Angela: WHAAAAT!

10 minutes later.

Angela: Well, _I just had that intern gunned down by my personal firing squad_. Now, I'm back to square one. DAMMIT!

Sylar: Can I go now?

Angela: Ugh, fine….get out of here. I have to resort to Plan B….or….W….or whatever, oh this day has been just a waste. Where are my cucumbers? My eyes are feeling extra puffy!

Ted: Can I have his cards?….They're like…._right there._

In front of The Company Headquarters, a van pulls up. Nathan hops out.

Nathan: Okay, team.

Elle: You have to use our name!

Nathan: Ugh….._First Wives Club, form up!_

Elle: This is so exciting! It's like a field trip!...Though I didn't go on too many when I was a kid…

-Flashback to Elle's Childhood-

Elle's teacher enters the room.

_Mrs. Frizzle: _Okay, class! Where should we take the _Magic School Bus _today?

Elle shoots her hand in the air.

Elle: My vote is that we go adventure through Arnold's colon again!

Mrs. Frizzle: That's an excellent idea, Elle! Okay, class. _Grab your spelunking equipment! _

Classmates: Hooray!

Arnold: OH NO, NOT AGAIN!

-Present Day-

Nathan: I'm surprised you had friends.

Elle: _Speaking of 'No Friends'…_

Claire (in her cage): Can someone refill my water bottle! I'm starting to get dry mouth…..

She looks at her food bowl.

Claire: And why am I still being fed M&M's?

Nathan: What happened with that?

Elle: She got friends, I guess….who cares, she has bigger fish to fry now.

Nathan: Good point. Okay, now onto the plan.

Elle: Are we going to write bad things about Mr. B? OOOH, I just thought of something good!

Nathan: I can think of something better.

The building catches on fire and continues to burn as smoke looms into the air.

Tracy: Well, are you going to tell us the plan, or just sit there and watch _Backdraft!_

Nathan: Oh, sorry.

Nathan closes his dvd player.

Nathan: Okay, we sneak in…..and…shred all of Noah's important documents.

Noah: You're going to need the passcode.

Nathan: And what would that be, mister '_I'm Noah Bennet and I'm standing right behind…'_, oh wait, that's exactly who you are.

Noah: What the hell is going on here?

Nathan: Abort the mission!

Elle: I locked the keys in the van.

Nathan: Call the locksmith!

Elle (To Noah): You may have won this round, big head!

Noah: My head's not big….

Elle: But nobody crosses _The First Wives Club! NOBODY!_

Noah: That was the name you picked?

Meanwhile, Hiro and Ando turn a corner to find the train attacker.

Man: I'm getting tired of you two following me.

With the swoop of a hand, Hiro and Ando go flying backward, crashing into some garbage.

Hiro: OOF!

Man: I'm just going to have to take care of you.

He walks over, a lead pipe hovering over his hand.

Hiro: Now really, you can't just hold that?

The man starts to make a swiping motion, Ando holds out his hands as _red electricity fires off, blasting the man across the alley_.

Ando: Hiro! I got my lightning power back! We're saved. I can supercharge your…

Hiro: You can't supercharge _anything, _Ando. I have nothing right now.

Ando: Oh right….

Claire wakes up, she feels strange. She sits up, realizing her body is covered from head to toe in _Post-It-Notes_.

Claire: What the hell is this!

She spots Mohinder sitting outside her cage.

Claire: Mohinder? What are you doing here?

Mohinder: I have come to the conclusion that your lack of abilities will make you weaker.

Claire: Uh, duh. And by the way, what kind of scientist are you? All these Post-It-Notes just have the word '_RESEARCH' written on all of them_.

Mohinder: It's critical to my…..research. (He writes something down)

Claire: Are you doing _a crossword puzzle!_

Mohinder: Okay, time for a break. I'll be back after dinner. Your mother is making the most delicious meal.

He starts to walk off.

Claire: Can you have her…

Mohinder: Yeah, yeah, M&M's….got it.

Claire: NO, DAMMIT! ARGH!

Later, Noah is walking down a hallway he stop at what appears to be a prison cell. This prison cell contains Nathan, Elle, Tracy and The Haitian.

Elle: How could you turn us in, Mr. B? We didn't want to hurt anybody, just your business.

Noah: I didn't turn anybody in. _You hit a cop car_….._while speeding_….._through a red light_…_in a school zone_…_without a driver's license or insurance_….._in what I think was a stolen van_.

Elle: Oh, that's not that bad.

Noah: I've come to tell you that I've talked it over with Angela and she was kinda…..over her head when she made the decision to fire you. We would really like to have you back when you get out of prison.

Nathan: Thanks, buddy.

Noah makes his way out of the prison.

Nathan: Yeah, after the Eclipse ends we're busting out of here.

Claire is walking around her cage; someone comes up behind her and throws a bag over her head.

Claire: ACK!

Later, in a vehicle.

Claire: What's going on? Where am I! You're not going to make a pass at me or anything are you?

Mohinder: Don't be ridiculous, Claire.

Claire: Wh…Mohinder! What is going on?

Mohinder: I'm not getting the answers I need. So…

Claire: You kidnapped me!

Mohinder: '_Removing you from your decontaminated environment for my selfish needs at the expense of your health' _is a little harsh…._let's just say I kidnapped you_.

Claire: And you honestly think I'm protected by a plastic bag over my head?

Mohinder: Sure!

Claire: Hmph…..

Meanwhile, at Angela's.

Angela (searching through her desk): Pointless, pointless…I have to take matters into my own hands, AS USUAL.

The door to her office swings open, _Peter_ stands in the doorway.

Peter: Hello, _mother dearest_….

Angela: Peter? What are you doing here? Why aren't you being Matt Parkman's personal servant? You know what, I don't care. Just close that door, birds are always flying loose around here.

A pigeon swoops down and makes off with Angela's checkbook.

Angela: DAMN THIEVING BIRDS!

Peter (in a trance): _All work and no pay makes Peter a dull boy_….

Angela: What are you doing?

Peter pulls out a knife.

Angela: WHAT THE!

Peter sits down and uses the knife to open the cardboard box on the floor; he pulls out a _bathroom plunger._

Angela: Oh, well, that's far less intimidating.

Peter holds the plunger with both hands.

Angela: Peter, you've clearly gone insane. So, there's only one thing that can save you.

Angela opens a drawer and pulls out a Bible…..she opens the bible to a hollowed out section holding a gun. She whips it out and shoots at Peter, who dives out of the way. Angela takes off running. Peter follows her out of the hall swiping things left and right with the plunger, breaking glass vases and knocking pictures off the wall.

Angela: What is with the plunger?….and _stop breaking my things, young man!_

Niki is lying on the bathroom floor; Matt is still stuck in the vent.

Matt: Probably not a good time to bring this up….still need to _go_.

Niki: You're right….it's not a good time to bring it up.

Meanwhile, Noah is driving down the road.

Noah (On the phone): Sandra, will you calm down?

Sandra (on the phone): That quacky doctor took Claire! You have to find her before she dies of everything in the book.

Noah: That Mohinder…..don't worry. I'll track him down.

Sandra: Just hurry, okay?...Noah?...Noah?

Noah's cell phone is lying in the driver's seat, with Noah nowhere to be found.

_To Be Continued_.


	27. Mad World

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.27)**

**Disclaimer: ****_Heroes_**** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

**Author Note**: Part 2 of 3 of the Eclipse Storyline.

Niki walks down the hallway of an insane asylum. She reaches the door at the far end of the hall. She peeps through the window to see Matt, in the fetal position, rocking back and forth. She walks inside his cell.

Niki: So, what's all this then?

Matt (sobbing): It's over, Niki...I can't believe...it's over.

Niki: Well, Matt, you knew it had to end sometime.

Matt: I just can't believe...it was like it _just _started...and now it's over. Forever.

Niki: Well, _The Harry Potter movies_ were all fun and good, but those children had to grow up sometime. So can we get out of here already? The guard keeps whistling at me, and he doesn't have any lips!

Matt: I know, it's just...it's just that it means that it's the end of my childhood! WAAAAAAH!

Niki: While I can't agree more that you, Matt Parkman, are in fact _a child_, those movies started coming out well into your thirties. So get over it and let's go!

Matt: Fine, but I will have to keep the spirit of Harry Potter alive when we get home.

Niki: Whatever!

Matt: Will you be Hermione?

Niki: Yes, can we just go already!

Matt: No...I'll let Mohinder be Hermione. _You can be Snape...Put on this wig_.

Niki: That's it. You can just rot in here. Later!

Niki slams the door on her way out.

Matt (fluffing the wig): Hmph! And she says she's never read the books.

Elle: _Previously, on Heroes..._

Claire (to Mohinder): _You kidnapped me?_

Mohinder: Taking you away from your decontaminated environment for my own selfish agendas sounds a little harsh...let's just say I kidnapped you.

Peter (to Angela): You're making me take care of Matt for free. I go crazy now!

Peter grabs a plunger.

Angela: AHHHH! PETER!

-DING-

Angela: AHHHH! MY CAKE!

-AUDIENCE CLAPPING-

Angela: AHHHH! I'M MISSING ELLEN!

Niki and Matt are stuck in the bathroom.

Matt: Do you have a Jack of Clubs?

Niki: Nope. Go fish.

Matt: Oooh ha ha! I'm about to own this game!

Niki: This is just sad, we don't even have any cards.

A man is about to attack Hiro and Ando. Ando fires a bolt of red electricity at him.

Ando: Hiro! I have my powers back!

Hiro: Where did they go?

Ando: Uh...

Nathan, Elle, The Haitian and Tracy get thrown in prison.

Elle: That's _The First Wives Club to you!_

Nathan: We're not calling ourselves that!

Sandra (panicked): Noah! Claire is missing! There's no doubt in my mind that Dr. Suresh took her...Noah?...Noah?

Noah, originally in the car, mysteriously disappears. All that is left in the seat is his cell phone.

Peter is slowly walking down the hallway, plunger in hand. Angela peeks around the corner to take a look.

Angela: Oh, this is just so rude! He better not think he's going to be grounded after this!

Angela spots a telephone.

Angela: That may be my only chance.

In the bathroom at Tracy's house. Niki is sitting down, propped up against the wall, asleep. Matt is asleep next to her, his head on her shoulder. The sound of a door slamming wakes her up.

Niki: What was that?

She notices Matt.

Niki: And WHAT IS THIS!

She shoves him off, he falls face first into the door.

Matt: Uh...OW!

Niki: Matt, did you hear that?

Matt (face planted against the door): You mean the cracking of my nose bones penetrating the surface of my brain?

Niki: No. I think Mohinder's home!

Matt: Yay!

Niki: Hurry, let's try to bang on the door to get his attention.

Mohinder and Claire walk into the living room. The front of Claire's shirt is pulled up over her mouth.

Claire: I'm catching diseases as we speak!

Mohinder: Oh, no you're not! Pull your shirt back down, you look ridiculous!

Claire: Fine!

Mohinder: Okay, I'm going to run some quick tests here that I couldn't run so well at your place. I'll be able to finish my research with no problems.

Claire: Yes, because if anybody can finish their research without any problems, it's you.

Mohinder: Thank you, Claire!

Claire: Being sarcastic.

Mohinder: COUGH!

Claire: AHHH! What was that?

Mohinder: Something in my throat...ACHOOO!

Claire: EEK!

Mohinder: Oh, would you please calm down? I had something in my nose. Now give me your hand so I can take some blood.

Claire: Fine...What is that on your arm?

Mohinder: Oh _this? _Just a nasty rash that I caught from a homeless man that I bumped into on the subway. I can't believe how contagious it is!

Claire: AHHH!

Hiro and Ando are walking down the street.

Hiro: So, you have powers? That's just great! I'm so happy for you!

Ando: I can't tell if you're being serious or sarcastic.

Hiro: Whoa. Check that out.

Off in the distance, they see a car smashed through the front window of a Subway Restaurant.

Ando: Talk about _using the drive through!_

Hiro: That's really funny Ando.

Ando: Again, I can't tell if you're being serious or sarcastic!

Up above them, on the ledge of one of the tallest buildings in the area. _Noah Bennet_ is draped over the ledge, his body hanging halfway over. He wakes up.

Noah: WAHH! What the!

He scrambles up to his feet. Becoming dizzy, he loses his balance and falls off the building.

Ando: Hiro, look! A man just jumped from that building!

Hiro: We have to catch him!

Hiro and Ando scramble around.

Hiro: Call 911!

Ando: That's not going to do any good _now!_

Hiro: I got him! I got him!

Noah vanishes into thin air upon reaching Hiro on the ground.

Hiro: ...I...don't got him?

Ando: Nice catch.

Hiro: Ok, now that was sarcastic.

**= = = HEROES = = = **

At the Subway, Noah manages to find his way back. He sees his car through the shattered window.

Noah: Oh...no, this is bad.

He makes his way to the front door. He crawls in and grabs his phone.

Sandra rushes toward the phone and answers it.

Sandra: Noah! Where did you go?

Noah: I can't explain right now. I have to tell you something when I get home. Stay there.

Sandra: Wait! What about Claire? Noah!...HEY!

Noah lifts his head up and notices that the police are starting to show up. He hops out and runs out the back door, across the parking lot reads:

_Chapter Twenty Seven: Mad World_

A police officer comes up to investigate the crash.

Cop: What the hell happened here?

Behind him, Noah falls from the sky and lands on the officer's car. He falls off onto the ground.

Sandra is back at home, she is tapping her fingers nervously on the table.

Sandra: Oh, where could he be? I hope Claire's okay.

Mr. Muggles hops up on the table.

Muggles: _Relax. I'm sure they are both fine. _

Sandra: You're right...

Her eyes widen back on Mr. Muggles.

Sandra: Did...what did...um...what?

Muggles: _They're fine. Don't worry about it._

Sandra: Oh, okie dokie then. Excuse me for a moment.

Sandra runs out of the kitchen screaming, she faints at the bottom of the stairs.

Lyle runs down the stairs, stepping over Sandra's body.

Lyle: Bye mom, I'm off to school.

Lyle gets halfway out of the house when he remembers something.

Lyle: Crap! Forgot my lunch.

He turns around when _a clone of Lyle walks up to him._

Lyle 2: Here you go, man!

Lyle 2 hands Lyle 1 his lunch, and heads back inside.

Lyle: What...just happened? Do I have a clone?...AWESOME! Man, I wished I had another one so I don't have to go to...

Lyle 3: Got it taken care of!

Lyle 3 gets on the bus.

Lyle: ...school?

Angela (on the phone with Samson Grey): Well, I couldn't care less if you're watching _Hell's Kitchen. _I'm dealing with a real crisis here!

Samson: It's _Kitchen Nightmares!_

Angela: Oh, same thing.

Samson: NO IT'S NOT! TAKE THAT BACK!

Angela: Okay, fine, whatever...just get over here and help me.

Samson: Okay. I'm on my way...

He hangs up.

Samson: After Hell's Kitchen...or was it Kitchen Nightmares...oh crap, I already forgot.

Angela peeks back out...Peter is sitting on the ground.

Angela: Peter?

Peter: Yes, ma?

Angela: Are you still crazy?

Peter: No...I think I calmed down. I can't even remember why I was even mad.

Angela: Fabulous! Here...

Angela hands him a folder.

Angela: This is Mr. Wilson, he weighs approximately 2 tons. I need you to clean him at once. And _Get. __U__nder. Every. Flap. _Payment starts at nothing but with hard work, dedication, sucking up, and assuming you haven't collapsed and died from exhaustion I will reward you with this handful of _magic beans_. And by magic beans, I just mean regular beans, and by regular beans, I just mean nothing. See? Empty hands.

Peter clutches his plunger.

Angela: Oh drat.

Back at Tracy's. Claire is hooked up to a machine.

Claire: Okay, Mohinder, I'm only saying this as your friend. From one friend to another. Which is saying a lot since I don't consider us friends. I've think you've lost it.

Mohinder: What are you talking about?

Claire: Okay, you're being vague about these stupid tests. You can't even tell me what they're about. I swear the device I'm hooked up to is a printer.

Mohinder: This program is going to tell me what I need to know.

Claire: _You're playing Minesweeper!_

Mohinder: Claire, listen. It is absolutely imperative that I complete these tests so I can get to the root of...oh crap, I hit another mine! I hate this game. I'm just going to play Free Cell...wow, this looks really confusing, going back to Minesweeper.

Claire: UGH!

In the bathroom. Niki and Matt are lying on the floor.

Matt: Niki?

Niki: Yes, Matt.

Matt: Are we going to die here?

Niki: Yes, Matt, we are.

Matt: Golly, that sure is swell.

Niki: It is.

Matt: Hey, Niki. I think the pizza's ready.

Niki rolls over and pulls the pizza out of the oven in the bathtub.

Matt: This pizza is amazing.

Niki: It is!

Matt: Can I get a drink?

Niki: Sure.

Niki grabs a glass and turns on the sink, filling the glass with root beer. She opens the vanity mirror.

Niki: Matt! Guess what? I just found a million dollars!

Matt: Let's buy crap with it!

Niki: Let's!

Noah is at a diner down the street. He is trying not to disappear again.

Noah: Okay, Noah. Calm down. Nothing to be alarmed about. Nobody knows it's you.

He turns to see Hiro and Ando's faces pressed up against the window.

Hiro: HIIIIIIIIII!

Noah: Nobody important.

Sandra makes it upstairs.

Sandra: I must not be well. I'm going to lay down for a bit.

She walks down the hall, passing Lyle.

Lyle: Hi mom.

Sandra: Hello, honey.

She passes by Lyle.

Lyle: Hi mom.

Sandra: Uh...hello?

She passes by another Lyle.

Lyle: Hi mom.

Sandra: Okay, not freaking out.

She runs into Claire's room.

Claire's pet hamster sits up in it's cage.

Hamster: _What's shakin', Mrs. B?_

Sandra: AHH! Talking hamster!

She opens the door, then slams it shut.

Sandra: Odd, it sounds like _Elle_...AHHHH!

She reopens the door and runs past a room of 4 Lyle's playing poker.

Meanwhile, in prison.

Guard: Phone call for Mr. Petrelli.

Elle: I got it.

Nathan: No, you don't!

Nathan leaves. Elle turns to Tracy.

Elle: Do I sound like a hamster?

Tracy: Kinda.

Nathan walks over and picks up the phone.

Nathan: Peter? Claire? Matt? Niki? Mohinder? Please, anybody but...

Angela: Nathan, it's your mother.

Nathan: DAMMIT!

Angela: I need your help! Peter's gone insane and is trying to kill me!

Nathan (eyeroll): Oh noes...

Angela: Get over here, or you're going to be in so much trouble!

Nathan: If you didn't sack us from the Company, we wouldn't be in this mess!

Angela: That's your own fault.

Nathan: Goodbye, ma.

Angela: Oooh, that boy!

Peter: Broke another vase!

-CRASH!-

Angela: Peter! You can keep trying to kill me must I must ask you don't touch the vases.

Peter: Sorry, ma.

Back at Tracy's. Mohinder finally goes to the restroom. He opens the door, Niki is standing in the shower, wearing the curtain as a dress and toilet paper as a wig. Matt is sitting on the toilet with a homemade scepter and a beard made out of toilet paper.

Matt: Who dares enter my kingdom?

Mohinder: What the hell is going on in here?

Claire (coming up): What the hell IS going on in here?

Niki: Boris, look! It's _crazy Moose and Squirrel!_

Matt: I see that, Natasha..._Let's kill them!_

Claire: Did she just call me a moose?

Mohinder: You're probably the squirrel.

Claire: Oh...wait, hey!

Mohinder: Okay, you two just go crazy in here...we're just going to close the door now. Bye.

Mohinder closes the door.

Niki: What just happened? Did he just open the door?

Matt: Who cares?

Niki runs over and tries to open it, for it is locked.

Niki: Nooooooo!

Mohinder is typing something on his computer, Claire is sprawled in her chair.

Mohinder: Done!

Claire: Finally.

Mohinder: I know what I must do.

Claire: And what would that be.

Mohinder sticks Claire with a needle.

Claire: OW! What was that for?

Mohinder: I just injected you with every known disease in the history of modern medicine.

Claire: YOU WHAT?

Mohinder: Now, we wait.

Claire: ….

Mohinder: …

Claire: Wait for what?

Meanwhile, back at the lab, Sylar and Ted are playing chess.

Ted: Where did your mom go?

Sylar: She's not my mother.

Ted: Hmm...Your turn.

Sylar moves. Then Ted moves.

Ted: Check.

Sylar: I don't know. Probably off trying to ruin someone else's life.

Sylar moves. Then Ted moves.

Ted: Check.

Sylar: I should have powers. I don't know why I shouldn't. The eclipse will be over soon. It doesn't make sense. Why am I even here?

Ted: Hey, that's great. Go.

Sylar moves. Ted moves.

Ted: Checkmate.

Sylar: Ah, good game...wait...

He looks over the board.

Sylar: _How the hell do you have five Queens!_

Ted: I play by the rules.

Sylar: I didn't even get to move my back row! That's impossible.

Ted: Don't be a sore loser. Play again?

Sylar: Yeah.

Noah is walking down the street, being followed by Hiro and Ando.

Hiro: I thought that guy falling looked like you! You have a power! That's great!

Ando: Hey! How come you didn't act that excited about my power?

Hiro: Because you've had it before, this is different.

Noah: I don't want to know anymore about it, I just want it gone. I have to talk to the family.

Hiro: To the family room!

Noah: Uh huh...

Noah is in the living room of the Bennet Home. Sandra and Lyle(s) are there.

Noah: Okay, family, we...

Sandra: Oh, Noah! I'm so glad you're not dead!

Noah: Um, thank you, dear. Anyway...

He spots the six Lyle's in the room, he shakes his head.

Noah: It appears that the eclipse has caused adverse effects on this family. I have obtained the ability to teleport, Lyle can...multiply himself?

Lyle: Sounds about right.

Noah: And Sandra...can talk to animals.

Sandra: Now people won't think I'm crazy!

Noah: That's swell, dear. Anyway, you know the drill, _only use these powers for good, evil is bad, _all that stuff.

Noah turns to Hiro and Ando who are watching from the kitchen.

Noah: Does that about cover it?

Hiro and Ando whisper to each other.

Hiro: Good enough.

Noah: Now, let's go find Claire. Then, we can go save people!

Lyle: But everybody in the world _has powers_. Who are we going to save?

Noah: Um...the people who did have powers...but now they don't. Like Claire...

Hiro: And me!

Lyle: That's stupid!

Hiro: To the family Dodge Caravan!

Back at Angela's, Peter is still going crazy.

Angela (hiding behind a desk): Oh, this is just awful. I swear, I'm going to disown him if he makes me miss Oprah.

Samson (sitting next to her): You _do realize_ her show ended already, right?

Angela: What the? _When the hell did you get here!_

Samson: About ten minutes ago.

Angela: Well, isn't that nice? I need you to stop Peter before he destroys my house.

Samson: I'll see what I can do. But if I _do _do this...you owe me.

Angela: …..owe you...what?

Samson: A date!

Angela: We're already married, you old fool!

Samson: I thought that was a lie?

Angela: I...was it? I can't keep up.

Samson: Then let's get married for real!

Angela: Fine whatever, just stop him!

10 minutes later.

Angela peeks out of hiding to see Peter and Samson shaking hands.

Angela: Oh, thank heavens! He's calmed down. What did you do?

Samson: Well, for starters, I _offered to pay him_.

Angela: YOU WHAT?

Samson: You weren't honestly expecting your own son to scrub the feet of a moron for _free_, were you?

Angela: Yes! Yes, I was. And you had to ruin everything! There better not be any benefits.

Samson: Maybe a _tiny _Dental Plan.

Angela: That's it, we're getting a divorce.

Samson: I thought we weren't married...or were we? I can't keep up with your lies, woman!

Angela: Then we'll get married..._that way I can divorce you_.

Samson: That seems like the logical thing to do. (Eyeroll)

Back at Tracy's, Claire has a thermometer in her mouth.

Mohinder: Claire, how are you feeling?

Claire: You mean other then how a normal person feels when they've been infected with every disease in the world? I'm feeling wonderful!

Mohinder: I'm worried.

Claire: Is it starting to hit you that you did something stupid?

Mohinder: No, that thermometer is broken and probably leaking mercury into your mouth.

Claire: Oh, well that's just great!

Mohinder looks over at Matt and Niki who are on the couch.

Mohinder: And are you two quite finished?

Matt: My head...it hurst.

Niki: Why am I wearing a shower curtain?

Matt: Being in the bathroom for that long can drive someone crazy...

Niki: How did we get out of there?

Matt: Apparently the bathroom doorknob only turns one way.

Mohinder (to Claire): They were only in there for like, an hour. Those two are such drama queens.

Claire: So am I gonna die or what?

Back at the mansion, Angela is sweeping up Peter's mess.

Angela: Which HE should be doing...

Samson comes up.

Samson just gets off the phone.

Samson: It's happening.

Angela: It couldn't be stopped...

Samson: Well, maybe if you weren't dilly dallying with this whole Peter mess.

Angela: Samson, that has nothing to do with it. This is just...oh _why did you have to pay him! _Oh nevermind, you sweep now!

Samson: But I hate sweeping!

Miles across town, at a cemetery outside of the city, in a car parked outside of the gates, _Jax the assistant_ has his hand on the wheel. He takes a deep breath and gets out of the car. He opens the back seat and grabs a shovel.

Jax: Well, this is it. The eclipse will be over soon. Better get started.

Jax props the shovel behind his back and heads inside the cemetery.

_-To Be Continued_-

Next time...

Angela stands at the window. She is on the phone.

Angela (on the phone): You don't have to do this...Please reconsider.

Jax is digging in a grave.

Downtown, _Lilith turns around to face Sandra_.

Lilith: It turns out that you have a few new tricks up your sleeve.

Hiro: The eclipse isn't over! How do you have powers?

Lilith: I have a few tricks myself.

She kneels down as a Mountain Lion jumps over her.

A van speeds down a road in the middle of the desert.

Nathan (To Elle): How does it look back there?

Elle: He's gaining on us!

The car behind them closes in, a man holds a gun out the window and aims for the tires.

Peter (looking out of the window): Uh oh, people are rioting in the streets.

Mohinder: We have to get out of here!

Matt: But I haven't finished my Bagel Bites!

Claire gets backed up in a corner, Noah teleports in, grabbing her, then disappearing.

_Linderman _turns around in a office chair.

Linderman (to Hiro): I believe we have some unfinished business to attend to.

Sylar and Ted run out of the lab, a car pulls up with _Molly Walker _at the wheel.

Molly: Get in!

Sylar: I'm pretty positive she's not old enough to drive.

Ted: Shotgun!

Sylar tries to open the back door, but it's locked.

Molly: Try it now.

Sylar: Nothing.

Molly: Now.

Sylar: Nothing.

Molly: Now.

Sylar: Are you hitting the right button?

Molly: Stop pulling the handle.

Sylar: I'm not.

Molly: Try it now!

Sylar pulls the handle.

Molly: You just pulled the handle!

Sylar: You told me to!

Molly: Try it again!

Sylar: Hit the unlock, then I'll pull the handle.

Molly: Okay...

Sylar pulls the handle.

Molly: You pulled it too quick.

Sylar: UGH!

Peter: Here they come!

Rioters break through the window.

Tracy climbs on top of the van as it speeds down the road. She aims a gun at the car chasing them.

Angela: Everything has led up to this.

Samson: Why am I still sweeping!

Samson and Angela run down the corridor of the mansion, they stop as parts of the mansion start to collapse.

Jax finishes digging and opens a casket.

_-The Season/Volume finale coming soon-_


	28. Prophecy Fulfilled

**The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.28)**

**Disclaimer: ****_Heroes_**** is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.**

**Author Note**: Part 3 of the Eclipse Storyline and the Final Chapter of Volume 7.

Mohinder: _Previously on Heroes..._

The Eclipse happens.

Random Civilian: We have powers!

Claire: And we lost ours! URK! (Collapse)

Mohinder: This is my chance to get to the bottom of this.

Mohinder hops on his computer to play 'Family Feud'.

Announcer: Okay, Mohinder '_Other than Skis, name something you bring with you to a ski resort'_.

Mohinder: OOH! (Typing)….'Warm Clothing'.

Announcer: Wrong! The number one answer is….._A Ski lift!_

Mohinder: _HOW THE HELL DO YOU BRING A SKI LIFT TO A RESORT?_!

Mohinder shoves the computer off the desk.

Later, Mohinder takes Claire back to Tracy's house.

Mohinder: Here, I just injected you with every disease in the world.

Claire: That's great.

Niki and Matt get trapped in the bathroom.

Niki and Matt: HELP!

Peter goes insane.

Peter (chasing Angela): Redrum! REDRUM!

Angela: I don't know what that means! AHHH!

Nathan and friends are still in prison.

Nathan: Yeah, thanks for not addressing us in the last episode, jerks!

Elle plops down next to Nathan; she has a tattoo of a tear drop under her eye and is wearing a bandana.

Elle: Hey Mac, what are you in for?

Nathan: Oh, shut up, Elle!

Elle: Don't smack talk me, man! I whittled a shank out of this bar of soap and I will cut you!

She stabs Nathan.

Nathan (Bleeding): AAAH!

Tracy: OH MY GOD!

Elle: Wow, I didn't think it would actually cut skin…..man, am I talented or what?

Sylar (To Ted): So…

Meanwhile, Angela was.

Sylar: HEY, our story is important too!

Ted: Are you going to roll or what!

Sylar rolls the dice on the _Monopoly board_. He moves his piece.

Ted: Sweet, you owe me 5000 dollars!

Sylar: WHAT!

Sylar looks at the board.

Sylar: How do you have a hotel already!

Ted: I have all of them, thanks to this card.

Sylar looks at the Community Chest card which depicts the Monopoly Man giving the Heimlich Maneuver to Donald Trump.

_You save Donald Trump's life after he was choking on some cauliflower! You two are now best friends! Place a Hotel on every property in the game (which you now own)._

Sylar: Dammit, I hate that card!

Peter: REDRUM!

Samson: I solved your problem with Peter, Angela.

Angela: You're an angel! What did you do?

Samson: I….paid….him?

Angela: Get out of my house!

Meanwhile, in the actual plot. Jax the assistant heads toward the graveyard with a shovel. And now the Season Finale of Heroes!

Peter: REDRUM!

Matt and Niki are sitting on the couch in Tracy's house.

Matt: So, Niki. We sure did have some crazy times in that bathroom.

Niki: We went insane. We managed to get out. All is good in the world.

Niki looks over to see Matt wearing a black latex body suit covered in pink question marks.

Niki: And what the hell are you wearing?

Matt: MTV is hosting a casting call for a music video. I'm going to try out to be one of Lady Gaga's backup dancers….or if I'm lucky Lady Gaga herself!

Niki: You look like the _Riddler's Grandmother!_ Take that stupid thing off.

Matt: Stop killing my dreams, you cow!

Niki pushes Matt to the floor.

Matt: Ahh! Mohinder, help!

Mohinder, who isn't helping, goes over to Claire who is in the kitchen on her deathbed.

Mohinder: The kitchen table….we eat on that, just saying.

Claire: Mohinder….will…..you…..write out my will?

Mohinder: Do I get all your possessions?

Claire: Uh, NO!

Mohinder: Then I'm not writing out your will. Here, take these vitamins.

Claire: No way! I'm tired of being your guinea pig. You've done enough.

Niki: God, was this painted on_?_

Matt: …uh.

Niki: …..ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Matt: I'm joking, it's not paint…..it's just very tight…..is my face turning purple?

Niki: Yes.

Matt: That's nice. Hey, Niki, is it normal to _see sounds and hear colors?_

Niki: Ugh, I'll get you the scissors.

Meanwhile, in prison, Elle is picking the lock on the door.

Nathan: What are you doing?

Elle: Picking this lock. I almost got it…..

Tracy: Since when do they keep padlocks on prison doors?

Elle: Aaaaaaand…GOT IT!

The lock breaks off and falls to the floor.

Elle: We can escape now!

Nathan, Tracy and The Haitian exchange looks. Soon after, the four of them are running down the hallway.

On the other side of town. Noah, Sandra, Lyle, Hiro and Ando are driving in a RV, speeding down the highway.

Sandra: Um, dear? Why are we driving so fast?

Noah: We have to protect the others.

Noah notices his cell phone ringing. He answers it.

Noah: Bennet.

Nathan: Petrelli.

Noah: Nathan? How did you escape prison?

Nathan: How did you know that?

Noah: I just got a text alert on my phone.

Nathan: We got tired of being cooped up for no reason. So we escaped.

Elle: With my help!

Noah: I can't let this slide. I'm going to have to stop you since I have powers and all.

Nathan: How?….oh right, the eclipse.

Noah: But I'm busy saving lives….so I got someone else on the job.

Nathan: Who?

Outside of an office downtown. A man is standing next to his car. He takes off his sunglasses to reveal himself as expert fugitive hunter _Emile Danko_. He raises his gun and tests his laser sight. The laser points at the wall which reads:

_Chapter Twenty Eight 'Prophecy Fulfilled'_

He turns around to get into his car but can't open the door.

Danko: Oh….this isn't my car.

Danko walks to the car in front of it and gets in. He adjusts his rear view mirror which has an air freshener that is in the shape of the planet Earth. The air freshener turns into a view of the _actual planet Earth _as we initiate the opening credits!

**= = =HEROES= = = **

Nathan: An air freshener!

Elle: Yes! I don't think you realize this Nathan, but this getaway van stinks….literally. Like someone just died in here. I'm going to put this up.

Nathan: UGH! It smells terrible.

Elle: It's supposed to smell like the 'Cleanest Bathroom Ever!'. It combines the scents of Tilex, Febreeze, Windex, Comet, Scrubbing Bubbles, and Toilet Duck all in one package.

Nathan: Toilet Duck!

Elle takes a huge whiff of it.

Elle: OH WOW! (Cough! Cough!)….aaaaand….I just forgot the alphabet….Wanna smell?

Nathan: No, throw that thing out.

Nathan hot wires the van and speeds out of the parking lot of the prison.

Tracy: You would think this prison would be better guarded and not the building that used to be a Taco King.

Haitian: Hey, that did used to be a Taco King!

Tracy: I know, right?

Back at Angela's. Peter and Samson are helping Angela pick up the mess Peter made.

Peter: Sorry about going crazy, ma. I don't know what came over me.

Angela: Well, you're getting paid now….and that's great…just great….great, great, great.

Peter: It is great. I feel like my mind is fully recovered.

Peter's phone rings.

Peter: Hello?...Oh, hey Claire! Long time no talk. What's up? Man, I'm telling you. This eclipse is just nuts. I lost my powers. You lost yours too? Oh man, that bites. Is everything okay? HAHAHAHA! Tell me about it. Hey, we should do lunch sometime! How about that new Bistro off Main Street? Great! I'll pick you up around 12:30.

At Tracy's…

Mohinder (To Claire): Is that Peter on the phone?

Claire: Yeah, _I haven't said anything yet_. He's having the entire conversation by himself. I think he's gone bonkers!

Mohinder: Oh.

Claire: PETER!

Peter: Oh, hold on Claire, I have another call.

He hangs up on her.

Claire: DAMMIT!

She calls him back.

Peter: Yello!

Claire: Peter!

Peter: Oh, hey Claire! Long time no talk. What's up? Man, I'm telling….

Claire: Would you shut up for a second? I need you to meet me at Tracy Strauss' house. _On the triple_!

Peter: Well….I AM kinda busy….and I DID kinda destroy ma's house. I can be there in a few hours.

Claire (bouncing up and down, whining): _But I need you to help me with my problems noooow!_

Peter: Okay, I'll be there in a sec.

Peter tosses the Faberge Egg he was holding. It shatters into a million pieces.

Angela: HEY! I JUST SWEPT THERE!

Peter: Ma, I gotta go! Tracy Strauss is in trouble!

Angela: WHO! Oh, wait, I know who that is….fine, whatever, go. You're making too many messes anyway. Just leave your old mother to rot! I'll just stick my head in the nearest oven!

Peter (Walking out the door): Thanks for understanding! Bye ma!

SLAM!

Angela: Ingrate….That's it! Nathan's not getting any presents for Christmas this year!

Nathan: Not any!

In the van.

Elle: Not a one. _All the radio stations are shot_.

Tracy: Does anybody know any good songs to sing…..who CAN sing? Just wanted to throw that in there.

Elle: That would be me! I'm an expert singer you know. MTV just offered me the role in the new Lady Gaga video. I play Lady Gaga _and all the backup dancers_.

Back at Tracy's. Matt is at the kitchen table sobbing.

Niki (eating lunch): What are you crying about, you wuss?

Matt: Oh, _some tramp got the part in the music video_. Guess I should go return the suit I rented…..they probably won't like how I had to cut myself out of it.

Niki: Yeah, you've also been crying in my salad so why don't you make yourself useful and go fetch me another one?

Claire walks in.

Claire: Peter is on his way. Have you guys looked outside? It looks rough.

The four of them look out the window to see people rioting in the streets. One man shoots lighting at another. A woman waves her arm and makes a group of people go flying.

Claire: Stupid eclipse. See, this is why normal people shouldn't have powers. They belong to the people who know how to use their abilities responsibly and with the utmost professionalism and class.

_Flashback to Claire chopping her toe off with a pair of scissors. The toe soars carelessly through the living room. It grows back._

Claire: Hey, that was a science experiment!

Peter walks in.

Peter: Hey guys! You know you have an angry mob outside, right?

Mohinder: All these people have abilities and they're going mad. We're afraid they may move in on us.

Peter: Why?

Mohinder: With this newfound power they think they're gods. They can do whatever they want. They can just….

The television floats past them and out the window.

Mohinder: ….take Tracy's television.

Niki: That's it! We need to take a stand and show those people with powers who's boss!

Matt: Yeah!

Claire: Yeah!

Peter: Yeah!

Mohinder: The eclipse will be over in like 20 minutes. We could just wait.

Niki: No. Now is the time for action! For we are now….**Anti-Heroes.** Cue the new opening credits!

As the world turns, the Eclipse is already happening (though it'll be over in less than 20 minutes)

= = =**ANTI-HEROES= = =**

Claire: Doesn't that just make us _Villains?_

The van zooms by.

Elle (with headphones, singing): _I don't wanna wait….for our liiives to be over….and somethin…somethin….where have all the cowboys goooone?_

Nathan: Would you turn that racket off!

Elle: I'm listening to headphones!

Nathan: I'm talking about your voice.

Elle: Well, I'm sorry. I'm just watching this new remake of _Dawson's Creek _starring me. Can you believe they hired me to play all the parts?

Matt slams the phone.

Matt: DAMMIT! I'm never going to get any work.

Tracy: Uh…guys? We're being followed.

Nathan leans out the window and sees the reflection of a car speeding up on them.

Nathan: Who the hell is that?

In the pursuing car, Danko answers his phone.

Noah: Danko! Hi, it's Noah. Now I know it's weird that you're working for me now. But I wanted to remind you that I just need you to apprehend the criminals. Not kill them.

Danko: Uh huh….

Noah: If Elle gives you any trouble just give her some paper clips to play with. Tracy might give you some trouble since she can turn into water…and The Haitian erases your memory…..and Nathan….well, I forget what he does. I think he manipulates glucose levels or something…

Danko: Aren't they powerless?

Noah: Well….yes….for at least another (checks watch)…..19 minutes. Good luck.

On the street, Noah hangs up his phone and notices groups of people trying to tip over the RV.

Noah: That's not good.

Danko: Not to worry. I have my own ways of taking them down.

Danko closes his eyes. His car careens off the side of the bridge and crashes into a passing boat.

KA-BOOM!

Danko opens his eyes. He is in a room filled with white. Before him is a white staircase, leading up to a throne. Sitting on the throne is _Sandra Bennet and Mr. Muggles_. Both of them wearing Halos.

Sandra (booming): Emiiiile Daaaankoooo!

Danko: What is this? Am I dead?

Sandra: Emile Danko! I have received a message from the heavens….that you are dead.

Danko: WHAT!

Back at Tracy's, Claire walks into the bedroom. She notices someone pressed up against the window.

Claire: EEW! CREEPER!

The stranger busts the window.

Claire: ACK!

Claire runs out of the room.

Claire: Uh…they're in the house now.

Niki: What?

Mohinder: We need to get out of here.

Niki: What about taking a stand? UNITED WE….

The refrigerator lights up on fire.

Niki: Oh, screw that!

Peter: Let's take my car! I have to get gas anyway!

Niki: Somehow I don't feel safer.

Later, Claire, Niki, Matt and Mohinder are pushing the car.

Niki: Yeah, I don't feel safer doing this….ugh, Peter, would you get out of the car!

Peter: I have to steer it.

Niki: Don't be ridiculous! You're weighing down the car! Now get out here!

Peter hops out of the car and helps push. The car veers left; it goes off the road and into a trench. Everybody looks at Niki.

Niki: …..Okay, I was wrong…..but I'm still only taking one fifth of the responsibility here.

Elsewhere, Sylar and Ted walk out of the lab.

Sylar: Where the hell did everybody go? I get sent here because I was supposed to get a power. And I've been here forever playing stupid board games with you. And for the record, you are the biggest cheater ever!

Ted: I'm not into the whole 'honor' thing.

Sylar: We need to get back to the city, fast!

A car pulls up in front of them.

Sylar: Uh….that works.

The passenger side window rolls down, and behind the wheel is _Molly_ _Walker._

Sylar: Hey, you're not old enough to drive a car! What gives!

Molly: Get in! Everybody is in trouble!

Sylar: You know we're the bad guys, right?

Ted (already in the car): Speak for yourself! (To Molly) Step on it!

Molly: Just get in the car!

Sylar tries to open the back door, but it's locked.

Sylar: It's locked.

Molly: Try it now.

Sylar: Nothing.

Molly: Now.

Sylar: Still locked.

Molly: Now.

Sylar: Are you hitting the right button?

Molly: Stop pulling the handle.

Sylar: I'm not pulling the handle.

Molly: Try it now!

Sylar pulls the handle.

Molly: You just pulled the handle!

Sylar: You told me to!

Molly: Try it again!

Sylar: Hit the unlock, then I'll pull the handle.

Molly: Okay...

Sylar pulls the handle.

Molly: You pulled it too quick.

Ted: Let me try. Sylar, buddy, I need you to pull the handle.

Sylar: ….

Ted: ….

Sylar: ….aren't you going to unlock the car first?

Ted: What are you talking about?

Sylar: Ugh, just hit the unlock button then I will pull the handle.

Molly: Okay.

Sylar pulls the handle.

Molly: I didn't hit the unlock button yet, I was just confirming.

Sylar: HIT. THE. UNLOCK. BUTTON. NOW.

Molly: Okay….(The door unlocks)

Sylar pulls the handle, nothing happens.

Sylar: WHAT THE CRAP!

Molly: Just get in on my side. That door hardly works anyway.

Sylar closes his eyes, puffing out his cheeks in frustration.

Ted: Dude. Not an attractive look. Just sayin.

Meanwhile, Sandra looks outside while rioters run around them. The RV starts to tip.

Sandra: I hope Noah isn't long. I wonder if we should look for him.

Lyle: I can't do anything, every clone I send out keeps getting distracted and running into the arcade.

Hiro: He will be back, Mrs. Bennet. Noah is our hero! He will save the day.

Lyle: But he just teleports….and not very well. He could be stuck in a wall or something.

Hiro: Hey, you're right.

Hiro looks back to Ando.

Hiro: You have red lightning now. Why don't you save us?

Ando: That's right! I can save us. Step aside.

Ando makes his way to the door.

Ando: My name is Ando. And I am going to save the day with my power! FOR HONOR!

Ando opens the door; a glass vase comes flying out of nowhere and crashes over his head. He collapses.

Hiro: That wasn't very honorable.

Meanwhile, in _Heaven_.

Danko: What do you mean I'm dead?

Sandra (booming): EMIIIIILE DAAAANKOOO!

Danko: STOP DOING THAT!

Sandra (on her throne): Sorry. Ahem! Do not worry, all is not lost. There is still hope for you, my child. You will be able to go back but only if you lived a good life without sin. (Looking at his file) Oh, wow! You totally didn't do that!

Danko: What are you talking about? Of course I lived a good life. Yeah, I'm a trained assassin for hire, but a fourth of my paychecks go to _The United Way_!

Sandra: This photo shows you, Emile Danko, wearing _socks WITH flip flops_. A crime punishable by spending an eternity in Hell. Bye now!

Sandra pulls a rope; Danko falls through a trap door.

Danko: WAAAH!

Danko ends up in a place that is very fiery and hot. Before him, sitting on a throne, is Sandra Bennet and Mr. Muggles. Both are wearing devil horns.

Danko: Really?

Sandra: Hello!

Danko: What is this?

Sandra: Emile Danko. Welcome to _Hell._ You're going to be spending a LOT of time down here….wait a minute.

Sandra looks at his file.

Sandra: Is this a picture of you letting your dog do _number two_ on your neighbor's lawn!

Danko: Well I wasn't going to let him do it on mine. I'm in the _Parade Of Homes!_

Sandra: I'm sorry; this place isn't good enough of a punishment for you. I'm going to have to send you to _Super Hell!_

Danko: _Super Hell_!

Sandra: It's like this place but slightly hotter. Bye now!

Sandra pulls a rope. Danko falls through the trap door.

Danko: WAAAAH!

Danko wakes up. He is in his car and still tailing Nathan and the others.

Danko: Ugh, last time I drink decaf.

Danko pours his coffee out. He turns his attention back on the van. He concentrates. Nathan, who is driving, spaces out for a second.

Elle: Nathan, what's wrong? You look like you ate something bad. This box of crayons say they're non toxic. Though they all taste like wax and not the flavors they're listed as. (Elle eats one)….See, this doesn't taste like grape at….oh wait, there it is….ooh, maybe I ate too many of these. Would anybody be grossed out if a puked up a _rainbow?_

Tracy and Haitian: _Yes_!

Nathan: We're pulling over.

Elle: It's okay! I can horf out the window! Honest!

Tracy: We're being chased and you want to pull over?

Nathan: It's wrong to run from fugitive hunters. Even if they are very handsome.

Tracy: How do you know that we're being chased by fugitive hunters?

Nathan: Uhh….

Elle: Nathan's been possessed by a ghost!

Elle constantly slugs him in the stomach.

Elle: Die! Ghost! Die! Punch! Punch! Punch!

Nathan: Ahh! OOF! OW!

Nathan zones out and comes back.

Nathan: What the….ow, my stomach.

Tracy: What was that all about?

Nathan: I don't know, I think for a second I was driving the car behind us.

Elle: Obviously the work of ghosts.

Nathan: I was…..I was Emile Danko.

Elle: The Soccer Player?

Nathan: No, stupid! The fugitive hunter. I used to work with him…but we won't get into that. He's chasing us!

Elle: Haitian! Make him forget how to drive a car!

Haitian: Yeah, still powerless.

Elle: Okay, then we are going to have to do things like they do back home. Tracy, I nominate you to get on top of the van and blow his tires out with this shotgun I found under the seat.

Tracy: What? Why me? You should do it, Elle!

Nathan thinks for a second.

-Nathan's Mind-

Elle: _DERP! _Okay, guys! I'm going to get on the roof of the car now. Wish me luck!

Elle opens the car door and falls out. The van bounces over a '_speed bump'_.

-Snapping out of it-

Nathan: UH, Tracy, you should probably go ahead and do what she says.

Back downtown, Noah tries to teleport back into the RV with no avail. He appears in an alley somewhere.

Noah: Well, crap. Now where am I?

He spots at the end of the alley Claire, Matt, Niki, Mohinder and Peter.

Noah: Huh? Is that Claire! What is she doing out of her bubble?

The five of them are running, being chased by the mob.

Peter: We're surrounded! We need to split up!

Claire: Where do we go?

Claire notices everyone is gone.

Claire: Oh, real nice, jerks.

Claire runs down an alley which has a dead end.

Claire: Uh oh.

She turns around to the mob, making their way toward her.

Claire: Oooh, not good. Not good.

Noah teleports in from behind Claire. He grabs her and teleports away. At a nearby Subway restaurant, Noah and Claire come crashing through the window.

Subway Manager: HEY! We just fixed that window!

Noah: Claire! Are you alright?

Claire: Yeah, I'm a peach. (Spits out glass)

Noah: What are you doing out of your bubble?

Claire: It seems I can live outside of it and not catch any diseases. Though Mohinder infected me with every disease in the book. Seriously, is that guy even a real scientist?

Noah: We sometimes wonder that. Come on, we need to get you back to the RV which is much safer.

The RV, which is now upside down.

Sandra: I have a bad feeling about this.

Hiro: Ando, wake up! You're being very rude.

Sandra: I have an idea. Mr. Muggles!

Muggles: _Yes, Sandra?_

Sandra: I need you to go get help. Normally I wouldn't put you in this situation but desperate times call for desperate measures. Only you can save us now!

Muggles: _I will get help!_

Sandra: Good Mr. Muggles!

Lyle and Hiro exchange nervous looks.

Meanwhile, in a car driven by someone who is underage.

Sylar: We get it. The eclipse happened, we lost our powers…though I never have any to begin with…and people who didn't have powers now have them. The eclipse will be over in 10 minutes and peace will be restored to the world. Big whoop.

Molly: Not likely. Earlier today I was on the phone with _Micah_. Even though he doesn't have his power, he can still hack into computers. Everybody who is on The Company Payroll has their DNA tagged using a special software. If their blood carries traces of DNA that alters genetics like us. It shows it. The only two people the software flagged that are on the payroll and play an initial role to the main cast are Noah Bennet and _Jackson Mercer, or Jax The Assistant for short._

Ted (turning around): Your assistant is on The Company Payroll?

Sylar: My assistant has a full name!

Molly: An unusual amount of phone records ties Jax to Angela Petrelli. She is trying to get him to do something terrible.

Ted: What's that?

Molly: Were hoping to find out. Jax's last known location was a cemetery. We also have receipts of him buying a shovel only an hour ago, so he's obviously doing some digging. We have to get to Angela's and find out what she knows about this!

Sylar: So, Ted. We have to get to Angela's and stop my former assistant from doing something terrible.

Ted: Uh, I kinda heard her already say that.

Sylar: Yes, but I'm going to pretend I said everything she just did and the idea was mine.

Molly: Why?

Sylar: Because you don't get to be absent almost the entire season and just pop up in the finale and go '_Oh hey guys, the solution is right under our noses_!'. We don't get to do that, neither should you. So if we stop Jax, I'm taking all the credit.

Molly: Whatever.

Sylar: Yeah, whatever…

Ted: Are ya bitter there, champ?

Sylar: I mean seriously, she has been gone this entire time. It's not fair.

Ted: Don't worry; you won't be around much for next season.

Sylar: Think so?

Ted: How the hell should I know?

Sylar: Hmph.

Claire and Noah are looking at the RV which is upside down.

Claire: That wouldn't happen to be the RV that is really safe, would it?

Noah runs over.

Noah: Sandra! Lyle! Where did everyone go?

Sandra: NOAH! OVER HERE!

They run over to Sandra and Lyle. Noah watches as a Lyle clone holds one of the rioters as another punches him. Sandra puts a bag over Claire's head.

Claire: ACK!

Sandra: Claire, I'm glad you're safe. But you should really be more careful. Noah, Mr. Muggles rescued us!

Noah: Riiiight….(Eyeroll)

Sandra: It was amazing. I told Muggles to get help. A herd of Elephants chased away the rioters.

Noah: Rioters…as in the ones with powers?…That's impressive, I think.

Sandra: We're waiting for Ando to recover; he got hit in the head with a vase.

Ando: Grandma, is that you?

Sandra: Yes, dear. Let's get a new car and go home.

Voice: Not so fast.

Coming down the sidewalk is Lilith.

Hiro: It's you!

Lilith: It's nice that you survived Disney World.

Hiro: Which reminds me. I somehow got stuck with the bill for that mess. So, here you go.

Hiro hands her the bill, which she doesn't take.

Hiro: Come on….take it.

Lilith: It doesn't matter anymore, soon the Eclipse will be over, our Master will be resurrected, and you will all die.

Hiro looks behind Lilith to see a Mountain Lion stand behind her.

Hiro: You can't control animals! How do you have powers?

Lilith: I have a few tricks up my sleeve. (Shouting) KILL THEM!

Lilith ducks as the Mountain Lion jumps over her.

Noah: Everyone, grab my arm! I'll try not to teleport us into the path of that oncoming bus.

Sandra takes a step back.

Sandra (shouting): STOP HER!

A Grizzly Bear tramples out from the alley and swats the Mountain Lion in the head. The two animals go at it.

Lilith: Impossible….you have the same power?

Sandra: That's right. (Pointing) TAKE HER AWAY!

An enormous swarm of birds start rushing past the group.

Claire: AHHH! BIRDS!

Noah: Geez! It's endless.

The birds attach onto Lilith.

Lilith: NO! STOP! GET AWAY! I ORDER YOU! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

The swarm circles around Lilith who takes off running. The Mountain Lion runs off as well.

Sandra: We won! Yippie! Good job, Mr. Muggles!

Mr. Muggles: WOOF!

Lyle looks around to see his clones start to disappear.

Lyle: Aw, that sucks.

Claire (To Noah): The eclipse is over. I'm sure you'll miss teleporting, Dad.

Noah: Huh?

Claire: Teleporting? You sucked at it, but you did save me. And for that, I may actually clean my room…..okay, I won't. But I'm still grateful.

Noah looks confused.

Hiro: Let's get Ando to the hospital.

Ando: Are you all my Grandmother?

Sandra: Yes, dear.

Noah: Why do you keep telling him that?

The van zooms by. Tracy is balancing on it, she holds up a shotgun toward the car.

Danko: She's going to try to shoot my car? Is she nuts?

The windshield of Danko's car gets shot out.

Danko: HOLY CRAP!

Tracy: I got it! I got it!

The car veers a bit then continues to chase. Danko shoots out a tire.

Tracy: Whoa…AHH!

Tracy falls off the van. In slow motion, she falls toward Danko's car. Upon hitting the pavement, her body explodes into a huge splash of water.

Danko: What the?

Nathan (sticking his head out the window): Tracy! You still up there?

Nathan starts to notice it beginning to rain.

Nathan: Elle, get Tracy back in here!

Elle (body out the window): Yeah, she fell off.

Nathan: SHE WHAT?

Nathan's window is opened a crack, a loose rain drop flies in forms into the shape of a body. The body turns back into Tracy.

Haitian: UH?

Elle: WOW! Amazing! How are you not dead?

Tracy: I almost was. Good thing our powers are coming back.

Nathan: I'm glad you're okay….but really, how did you do that?

Tracy: I felt my power come back right before I fell off. A part of me stayed on the roof of the van while the majority of my body splashed off. Man I didn't think I was going to be able to shift from a tiny raindrop to me again.

Nathan: Well, with our powers back we can pretty much stop and take care of….

The other rear tire gets blown out; Nathan loses control of the van as it tips over. It slides off the sharp turn off a cliff. As the van tumbles downhill, Danko slams on his breaks….

Angel Sandra Bennet: Remember kids; don't slam on your breaks in the midst of a rain storm. The fresh grease that forms on the roads is extra hazardous to people who slam on their breaks. Like Mr. Danko here.

**THE MORE YOU KNOW!**

NBC Peacock: CA-CAW

Angel Sandra: Hey, where's that shooting star?

Sandra looks as she spots Danko's car flying off the cliff.

Sandra: Eh, close enough.

**THE MORE YOU KNOW! (Danko's Car)**

NBC Peacock: CA-CAW!

CA-CRASH!

Molly's car pulls up to a house. She honks. Ted gets in the back.

Sylar: What are you doing back here?

Ted: Molly asked me kindly if I'd sit in the back. I appreciate the power of '_please'_.

Sylar: I say 'please'.

Ted: Well, I just don't like you.

Sylar: Hmph.

The passenger side door opens and _Micah Sanders_ hops in.

Micah: Hey, Molly!

Molly: Hi, Micah! You got everything?

Micah: Sure do. Let's confront Angela Petrelli and end this!

Sylar: WHAT?

Micah looks in the back seat.

Micah: Why is Sylar and Ted Sprague in your back seat?

Molly: Without my powers, they were the only ones I could find on such short notice.

Sylar: Oh, REAL NICE!

Micah: Okay, well, good to see you two again. Let's go!

Sylar (To Ted): They have BOTH been gone all season and they somehow have all the answers! What the hell?

Ted: Yeah, I'm should start hanging out with them. Seriously, you're awful at this. You and your "_I'm Sylar! What I lack in powers I make up for with daddy issues!"_

Sylar: Oh yeah! Well "_I'm Ted and…I have a stupid looking hat!"_

Ted: That was terrible.

Sylar (sobbing): I know…..

At the Hospital.

Ando wakes up to find Hiro, Peter, Niki, Mohinder, Matt and The Bennets at his bedside.

Ando: Am I dead?

Hiro: Nope! The doctor says you're going to make a speedy recovery. Glass Vase traumas are oddly common in this part of the city.

Ando: Is the Eclipse over?

Hiro: Yeah. I have my powers back.

Hiro teleports to the other side of the room.

Hiro: And they're not screwed up!

Ando: That's great!

Hiro: Really? Don't you miss your powers?

Ando: When did I have powers?

Hiro: You had your red lightning?

Ando: I did? When?

Hiro: That vase must have hit you harder than I thought.

Ando: I guess. I wished I could remember having powers. Oh well, there's always next time.

Hiro: There always is, buddy. There always is.

Everybody starts laughing. Niki stops.

Niki: Wait…that wasn't funny. Why are we even here? I'm leaving.

Niki leaves, Matt and Mohinder follow.

Matt: Looks like Tracy's house is destroyed.

Niki: Thanks to you two.

Mohinder: Now where are we going to stay. I must finish…

Niki: Yeah, yeah, your research, no one cares.

Back in the room.

Peter: Well, I better head off too. I gotta finish moving into my new apartment. Place is huge! And Nice! With a lot of rooms. It's just me though. Oh well. Later!

Peter heads out of the room and to the right. Niki, Matt and Mohinder follow Peter.

Noah: Well, I'm happy that our family is back to normal too.

Claire takes an ink pen and stabs her hand. The wound heals.

Claire: It sure is, Dad. It sure is.

Everybody laughs.

Claire: God, that is annoying. Let's just go.

The Bennets leave as Hiro turns his attention back to Ando.

Hiro: Alright, Ando. You rest up. I'm going to go talk to the doctor.

Ando: Sounds good.

Hiro leaves. He knocks on the doctor's office door.

Hiro: Hello, Doctor?

The chair swivels around, _Daniel Linderman_ reveals himself.

Hiro: Gasp!

Linderman: Hello, Hiro. It's good to see you….Actually it is nice to see you at the hospital not as a patient.

Hiro: That makes two of us!

Linderman: Close the door, Mr. Nakamura. We have important matters to discuss.

Hiro turns around and slowly shuts the door.

Molly's car pulls up to Angela's House.

Molly: Let's go.

Micah: Let's end this.

Sylar: I'm sorry, that really bugs me.

Ted: Let it go, man.

The four of them walk in. Angela and Samson are still cleaning up.

Angela: What is this?

Molly: Angela…you….

Sylar: I got this, Molly. (To Angela) Listen, toots!

Angela: _Toots!_

Sylar: My former assistant is working for you. Where is he?

Molly (to Sylar): He went to the cemetery.

Sylar: Well, why?

Molly: To dig up someone. I already told you this!

Sylar: Well….I guess you did, now didn't you?

_Crickets_….

Molly: …Yes. Yes, I did.

Sylar: Oh, screw it. Fine, continue.

Molly: Who is Jax digging up?

Jax, standing in the rain. Looks up, on his side of town the Eclipse will be over in a matter of seconds. He opens the casket to see the corpse of _Arthur Petrelli_.

Sylar: Your husband?

Samson: Ahem!

Angela: Not you! Yes….Arthur Petrelli. My husband.

Sylar: I killed him.

Ted: Congratulations?

Angela: Many years ago he had an intern at Pinehurst. His name was Jackson Mercer….'Jax The Assistant' for short. Arthur had a vision of his death and of the Eclipse. He told Jax that after his death to go work for Sylar to spy on him. And when the eclipse happens, to use his new power to resurrect him at the _last possible second_ before it ends.

Micah: Why the last second?

Angela: The funny thing about this certain eclipse is that if you have any activated abilities during it, after it is over, you lose the power forever. _Along with any memory of you having it_. Jax gained the power of telekinesis, something that he needed to remove the bullet from Arthur's head that was keeping him dead. All he needed to do is revive him during the eclipse. When it ended, Jax would lose his powers and the blood in Arthur (as well as the removed bullet in his brain) would revive him.

Sylar: So….what does this have to do with you?

Angela: I never told anybody, but _Jax was really working for me_. I also saw the eclipse in my dream. I had Jax go work for Arthur at Pinehurst with the intention on snagging the last vial of the serum that gave abilities to people. _A former employee took one of them_ and Jax took the other. The plan was to revive Arthur during the eclipse and inject him with the serum. When the eclipse ended, Arthur's powers would be gone completely. I know we could have just left him for dead but that bullet would have disintegrated eventually and we'd be back at square one.

Micah: So….what's the problem? Is Jax going to succeed?

Angela: Sort of. I just got off the phone with Jax…..I found out he was _really working for Arthur the entire time_.

Ted: What a twist!..._Well, not really_.

Sylar: So….that makes him a _Quadruple Agent_? Well, isn't that great?

Angela: Arthur sent Jax to me knowing I would dream of the eclipse and send him back. Now with the eclipse happening, he deliberately gave himself powers with the last vial of serum, knowing he would only lose them temporarily during the course of the Eclipse. He is going to resurrect him when the Eclipse ends.

Micah: Which it did….5 minutes ago.

The phone rings. Angela picks it up.

Angela: H…hello?

Arthur: _Hello, Angela._

Angela: Arthur? You're alive! This is a total surprise!

Sylar: Is she serious?

Arthur: I called to tell you that Jax is dead.

Angela: You killed Jax?

Sylar: That bastard!

Arthur: Yeah, it was a bummer. But he knew what he signed up for. Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to get together some time.

Angela: Oh, if I had a dollar for every time you came back from the dead and asked me out on a date.

Sylar: What the hell is going on?

Arthur: Jax was a very good assistant. I already had telekinesis but I took his power anyway just for the heck of it. He was a very good assistant indeed. He accomplished his final task with flying colors.

Angela: Reviving you, I guess?

Arthur: Well, second to final task.

Angela: That would be?

Arthur: _Rigging your mansion with explosives_.

Angela: GUH!

Arthur: If you survive this….and leave that on and off again side husband of yours…..call me. _I'll be waiting_.

Angela: Oh, if I had a dollar for every time you threatened to blow up my house…

He presses a button on the console of his car.

KA-BOOM!

Back inside, Samson and Angela start running down the hallway, avoiding falling debris. Sylar, Ted, Micah and Molly are running down a different hallway.

Molly: It's a dead end! We're trapped!

Sylar: And this is the second time in a row I've been blown up in a _Season Finale! _This sucks!

Arthur watches the mansion collapse as the sun sets in the horizon. He is enjoying the opera music in his car. The music finishes.

Arthur: _What a beautiful end to Volume Seven_.

Arthur takes the CD out and puts it back in the case. He pulls out the next one.

_Volume Eight 'Genesis Redux'_

Arthur: Hmm. This should be good.

Arthur puts the CD in his player, backs his car out and drives away from the wreckage.

_End_.

Author Note: I want to thank the readers for continuing to read the fic and posting reviews. I cannot appreciate it enough. I really hope you enjoyed this third season; I'll be working hard on the fourth as well as other stories which will all be premiering in late October, early November. Thanks again for reading!


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